Young Writers Society

For some reason I feel like this is my life, if that makes sense...

The last line "The world will turn", is a bit like my book. In my book the girl has a tattoo of a circle behind on ear and a snowflake behind the other. The circle stands for life. That life will move on no matter what happens, and the snowflake for difference. but your case the circle is more like the world turning. I don't no if it is just me, but that line means something more then the world just turning. I do believe that is what you intended.

Good job!

Hey,

I'd like to start out with saying that I'm not one for the poetical in sentence structure unless it serves a specific purpose. I like my poems to read smoothly like sentences in prose, but I want it to have deep enough vivid language that the connotations and vocalization of the poem is elegant and poetic. It's not a double standard, just a high one. That being said, this is not my favorite style of poetry, but I do recognize that it is a style and your choice.

I think you have some really good ideas in here, like "Speak poetry/We can absorb" which to me says that we need to write poetry clearly so that we can actually understand the meaning without much difficulty, which works in that case. I don't really agree with "but don't make sense" because poetry should make sense. We're supposed to be able to understand poetry. Everything doesn't need to be a haiku where you have to figure out how the two parts relate.

I don't think the words make enough sense when you say "Wrongly trusted/We listen mutely/I'm holding to traitors" because what happened to the others? How are 'you' holding to them? This doesn't really follow a chronological series of events, or at lest, it doesn't seem to. Someone is trusting other people when they shouldn't, and they listen without talking up, then they're holding the traitors to what? Where did that word even come from? Who was the traitor? Was it the other side of the we? Then why were we both listening silently instead of just "you" while I am the traitor "you" are talking about?

I also think you need some work with your diction in the second stanza's last line "our please" just doesn't really make sense unless you were going to go with something like our "please" to ignorance, like asking ignorance for something, please? It's kind of odd.

I'd say you have some other places that sound odd to me too, like the declarative sentence "but don't make sense" but I don't really think I need to point it out again.

Overall I think the poem is alright. It's not my style, so I can't really say that much about the style of it, or the flow. I would say that I don't mind your choice to go without most punctuation. You might want to try going without caps too, just see how it looks, and then probably put them back.

I really like the last stanza, The message behind it is strong and clear. The others, well I'm not sure XD
That's all I really have for you, sorry.

Aley

Hi, J.C. here for a review!

I must say, I think the title of this poem is the best part. Seriously, though, if everyone stopped and thought about it, and applied it, life would be so much better.

Jumping right into the review now, I think I'll spice it up and take each stanza one at a time.

Just minds
Trying for fairness
But we're just minds

Sight Deciphers
Without which is
Our please to ignorance

Wrongly trusted
We listen mutely
I'm holding to traitors

Speak Poetry
We can absorb
But don't make sense

Truth stands
Our slightly need
Devours all of temperament

To understand
You'd need eyes
Or a seeing mind

Uncover injustice
Commit no evil
The world will turn