Hello Writing Wolf,
First of all I'd like to say that I like what you're doing with the Memorial poems. I think it's a good way to work towards writing epics or other longer poetic works, and I think we need more of that in today's day and age, even though there's not really a market for it.
For this particular poem, I really like your message, to remember those who are still fighting now, or who have come home to try to live as civilians. This particular poem doesn't just seem like a poem about veterans though. You have a deeper touch to it because of the second stanza. I'd like to look at that with you.
While it takes strength
to lay down your life for another
it also take strength of a different kind
to remember the one who died for you.
When I first read that, I wasn't exactly sure who you were talking to as "you" because the soldiers didn't just die for each other, but for the lives of those they were protecting, us, the civilians. I didn't really catch on that this was directed at them until I got to the fourth stanza. It's because of the last two lines. I think you could make this section of the poem clearer by breaking up the one long sentence into shorter sentences so we don't get so many ideas at once. Either that or use some commas. You could also use "before" or "in front of" or "your friends" or "your allies in arms" because having "the ones" seems rather impersonal if we're talking to soldiers.
However, this also gives it a nice juxtaposition because you could be talking about someone who's lived through cancer, a car crash, or some other traumatic event while others did not.
I think you also need to work on making this less of a personal thanking you, and more of a universal thanking you. To me it just sounded like an individual breaking down in emotions as they got beyond the third and fourth stanza, but they forgot to take me with them! If you try to imbed more of the "us" and "we" aspect of this, then we'll be along for the ride. Either that, or rewrite it to do more showing of how we can help them, or what will make them feel better in your opinion, like write this from the soldier who came home's point of view.
Anyway, that's my two cents. I hope it's helpful!
Aley
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Reviews: 806
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