z

Young Writers Society


Violence

Breathe The Poison

by TimmyJake


Author's note: This is the short story that I have submitted for the YWS Hunger Games, Fan Fiction event. It is about the one thing that bugs me the most about the series. About Mockingjay. Finnick dies. So I changed it, warping his death scene into one of life. :)

The air I breathe is like poison, the foul stench creeping into my body. I hold back the convulsions and try to breathe through my mouth. At least then I will be able to function properly enough to concentrate at the enemies facing me. Sneaks behind me. Surfaces below me. Falls above me. Corners me.

There seems to be no escape.

The mutts pour from the pipe like sewage water, filth taking form in the shape of savage animals. Cruel reptilian faces curve upwards in snarls, saliva dripping from catlike fangs. Their leathery skin is white, almost as if to mock us. Like the Capitol is trying to tell us that these are innocent creatures, pure as snow.

But behind those tawny muscles lay the Capitol’s corrupt soul and mind. Behind those muscles, lay pure evil.

Bring your foul faces closer to me so I can rip them apart.

Finnick, we have to go now!” Katniss screams at me, already being pulled away herself by Gale’s powerful arms. Fingers fumble with her bow, she tries to put an arrow on the string even as she is pushed to a ladder that is set against a grey building. Tries to pull the bow back even as she starts to climb.

I hesitate. Destroying the mutts means that they can’t follow us. If we kill them all, we won’t have to run. But Katniss is right. Gale is right. If I stay for a moment longer, or if anyone stays longer, then the mutts will overtake and kill us all--leaving no one to complete the mission.

The mission.

I know what our real mission is—kill Snow. Katniss hasn’t spoken her plans to us, but remains secret about them, pulling inside herself. But everyone can sense what the group has turned into. Not a stage group meant to take photos for the rebellion. Not a team meant to rally the districts. That might be what District 13 thinks of us, but that is not what we have become. Stamped with this title or not, we are the squad that will bring President Snow down once and for all.

I only hope I live long enough to see it.

Finnick! NOW!”

I try to pull myself together. Now is not the time for drifting thoughts. Now is not even the time to destroy everything that belongs to the Capitol—with the mutts first. Now is only the time to escape.

Escape.

I hate that word. It means surrender. It means giving in. My hand itches to draw back the trident once more, that sleek tri-bladed weapon that has already skewered several mutts in the preceding moments. But something stops me.

Perhaps it is an image. Annie watching me from District 13. Our wedding. Her small hands releasing mine as I went away to this foul Capitol. The only person I truly care about lies far off in a different world, separated from me by the bonds of war.

I leap over a mutt’s body—pierced by both arrow shafts and countless bullets—and run towards the ladder, somehow finding my grip on the slippery ladder rungs. The rungs that are slippery with both the mutt’s blood, and that of my friends, mingling with my own as I pull myself up.

So far to climb.

They roar below me, no longer contained by the cutting edges of my trident. No longer contained by my fighting rage.

Red eyes dilating, they leap up as high as they can, teeth snapping down over air. Crashing into the ladder—jostling me around precariously—before tumbling back down to the ground. One mutt comes high enough and lunges forward to take a bite from my leg. But before it can, my free hand snaps forward, slashing the beast across the snout with the blade of my trident.

It falls, slamming heavily into the black ground.

I reach up for another rung to climb higher than the monsters, and feel a searing sensation in my leg. The teeth of a mutt sinking deep into me—past the Rebellion uniform, ripping into the flesh beneath.

I hold back the scream. Hold back the river of agony that washes over me, drowning out all other senses. Leaving nothing for my anger.

But once the initial shock is over, the constant pain, the consistent throb that travels up my spine, is enough to bring me back. To realize that the mutt is holding onto my leg, its weight pulling me down into the infernal abyss of death that I had just climbed out of.

I try shaking it off, wringing my leg in a feeble attempt. The effort causes the mutt’s hold to move about, ripping different parts of my calf.

Let’s spread the pain around, shall we?

With my free hand, I dash the trident down. The spear points glance off the mutt’s skull, and the trident drops. Falls down into the pack of mutts, where it lands harmlessly on the ground—out of my reach.

My hand fumbles for my only remaining weapon. One that I never use because of its awkward feeling, and whimsy appearance. The trident always serves me better, anyway. But more than that. I leave it inside its holster because it is the kind of weapon that the Peacekeepers use. Used against me, against my friends—anyone in their path.

I yank the pistol out of its holster and point it at the mutt, not bothering to aim. Pull the trigger one time. Two. Three. Four. Five times the deafening gunshot echoes around, and the bullets tear huge holes in the mutt’s face. Yet it still hangs on.

On the seventh shot, the mutt finally releases a whine. A high-pitched squeal so unlike the roar it emitted earlier that I almost release my grip on the ladder in surprise. And then it falls, toppling down to the ground. Never moves again.

Finnick, take my hand!” Gale reaches down for me, his arm hanging down as far as he can. Fingers extend to grasp mine, but they are still too far away.

Each rung was like torture. The agonizing sensation crawling up my spine like fire, scorching pain igniting every nerve in my body. A faint moan escapes my lips, but I clamp them shut.

Never show weakness. Never show pain.

Gale’s hand finally touches mine. A faint remembrance that I am not alone in this dark hellhole. Not left on my own to escape the mutts, who still snarl below me.

My hand grasps tightly to Gale’s, and he lifts me up. Pulling me up till I am on the same level with them, collapsing on the balcony alongside them.

You okay?” he asks.

My calf is torn to shreds, the pieces of flesh hanging from bone like gruesome tentacles, leaving my leg useless. My trident lays beneath the feet of those raging monsters, far below me now. I can barely move from exhaustion, and my hands and arms are cramped, refusing to move from their grip around the ladder rungs.

“Never been better,” I say.


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Sun Jun 29, 2014 6:36 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hey Timmy! Here as requested. Apologies for the delay.

I adored this! It was really good; flawlessly written, in my opinion.

I liked seeing things from Finnick's point of view and how you aligned this with the book. As far as I remember, minus his survival, this is how it went down. I liked the description of the mutts, although I think you could've done better with describing their appearance. And the smell; I believe it was only Katniss who smelt the roses but it would've been cool, had the rest of the group smelt it too. But really, I was more focused on the mutts. I wanted to see how they looked when chasing them or when dying, so I could get a better visual in my mind's eye.

Another thing you should've mentioned was the baby. If I remember correctly, Annie was pregnant prior to their departure, so Finnick would've known. Even if he didn't, it's better that you use the baby to fuel his decision to retreat. Better he stay alive and see his kid than die for nothing.

I can see why he had to die but I was still SO mad at Suzanne Collins for killing him off. Thanks for giving me the alternate ending I wanted. I enjoyed reading this very much!

~Iggy




timmyjake says...


Thank you for the review, Iggy! Ohhhh... yuss! I should have put the baby in there. Editing is always an option. :D



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Sun Jun 08, 2014 1:30 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hai Timmy!

Yeah it's me again. The person you cannot get rid of. I hope the part where Finnick dies was not the only part of MockingJay that bothered you. There were so many things that I would've changed if I had gotten a chance. But this isn't too bad a thing to choose. I think you did a great job of showing us Finnick's thoughts, and I love that you included Annie in there as well. Good job :D I really don't have anything I would change when it comes to the story, but more so just something things I would change when it comes to writing style.

At least then I will be able to function properly to concentrate at the problem facing me.


It should either be function properly enough to concentrate, or the to needs to be an and.

Sneaks behind me. Surfaces below me. Falls above me. Corners me.


When you put this, I didn't know what you were referring to. What was cornering him, coming at him from all sides? This definitely needs to be more clarified, because I didn't understand it at all.

Tries to pull the bow back even as she starts to climb.


A subject needs to be given before this verb. So, either Katniss or she or something.

Leaving no one to complete the mission


You have quite a few sentences like this, which are suddenly cut off the rest. They could easily become joined on to the other sentences, or they need to become full sentences on their own not fragments, because it seems weird to have such a fragment where you've included them. I would suggest you either turn them into questions (Who would complete the mission?) or make them full (There would be no one left to complete the mission.)

It falls down to the ground, slamming heavily into the black ground.


This is just some repetition I found. I would just make it, It falls, slamming... etc.

Pulling me up till I am on the same level with them. Collapsing on the balcony alongside them.


My suggestion here would be to join those two sentences together, and make them full sentences. He pulls me up till I am on the same level as them, and I collapse on to the balcony.

Other than this, not a thing to change. You wrote it brilliantly :D

Deanie x




timmyjake says...


Thank youuu for the review, Livvy!
I will fix those nitpicks straight away. :)
Mockingjay wasn't as good as the other books. :P



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Sun Jun 08, 2014 4:12 am
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CesareBorgia wrote a review...



Hello, CessyB here for a review,

I'm to lazy to say my full name, but whatever. I liked this very much, it was a change in what really happened, because I adored Finnick, and I cried when he died, even though he was a fictional character.

There are many(some, sorry for the exaggeration) nitpicks with this story, here they are:

The trident always serves me better, anyway. But more than that. I leave it inside its holster because it is the kind of weapon that the Peacekeepers use.


It should be,

The trident always serves me better, anyway, but more than that, I leave it inside its holster because it is the kind of weapon that the Peacekeepers use.


A faint moan escapes my lips, but I clamp them shut.


There's nothing wrong with this, but it can be changed too;

A faint moan escapes my lips, but I stifle my cries of pain.


That's all I have to say. This is the first time I reviewed any of your works, and I have to say that I am impressed, please tell me when you post more of them.

Best of luck in writing,
CesareBorgia,
signing out.




timmyjake says...


Thank you for your review! :D
Loved it. ;)



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Sun Jun 08, 2014 3:19 am
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Sylar wrote a review...



Hello, icannothearthings here for a review!

This was an . . . interesting piece. I had a few nitpicks and some issues with the piece itself, but we’ll start with nitpicks:

“ . . . filth taking form in the shape of savage animals.” I get that you have a very serious voice in this piece, but I think this is a little too cliched. Try something else that’s not overly descriptive and overly poetic.

“Behind those muscles, lay pure evil.” again, this is SO cliched.

“Tries to pull the bow back even as she starts to climb.” This isn’t a full sentence, and it doesn’t work right with the piece, even if it was. Your piece should focus more on the details, not meaningless action.

“I know what our real mission is—kill Snow.” Can you take out the dash and just make it: “I know our real mission is to kill Snow.” It just flows better.

““Finnick! NOW!”” Who’s saying this? I don’t understand.

“Escape.
I hate that word.” Again with the cliched! Please take my advice on my first nitpick.

“Red eyes dilating, they leap up as high as they can, teeth snapping down over air.” I’m confused, again. Who’s eyes?

“It falls down to the ground, slamming heavily into the black ground.” You say “ground” twice in one sentence, change one to a synonym.

“Let’s spread the pain around, shall we?” AHHHH CLICHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“One that I never use because of its awkward feeling, and whimsy appearance.” This is a detail we don’t need in a short story.

“Never show weakness. Never show pain.” Why not? That’s totally fine, though.

“the pieces of flesh hanging from bone like gruesome tentacles,” You know what I’m going to say about this, don’t you? Cliched.

Aside from that, it was okay. The thing is, this isn’t at all Finnick’s voice. He has to have some sense of humor or playboy attitude. Instead, he was really angry and serious. Try to make this more of his playful voice instead of what it is. Good job!

Alex out!




timmyjake says...


Thanks for your review. Will work on cliche. ;)







There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare