Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Horror

12+ Violence

Run till it catches up

by ka67


Get away!” my mind screamed at me, though in reality it was just a whisper. My thoughts were roaming, paranoia infecting every thought like a cancer. I tried to focus on where to put my feet but I just kept falling. My jeans were ripped and stained at the knees, my exposed skin black from soil and red from the torn skin.

“He’s here, he is here…”

The whispers couldn't shut up at all, and I was so nervous. Maybe that was why I kept falling? I’m not sure in all honesty. All I do know is that terror was mixed with my survival instinct, which had a sprinkle of confusion. Haha, my brain was like soup, a complicated, confusing soup.

I can hear it breathing and, oh, I fell again. My lips parted and I wanted to scream but instead I sobbed. What? No, crying helped nothing, especially not in such an awful situation, which was a mystery.

Okay, focus me. What was chasing me? I can’t remember, maybe it stole that too. Oh, white…it was white, like bleached bone. Yea and it….stank, like something old and earthy and bad. It smelled, I think my mistake was the eyes….yea, the eyes, I stared into them at the last second.

I had stopped, trying to focus on what I was doing and running from. Then it touched me. It wasn't slimy or rough, like a texture most people were frightened by. It was smooth, sliding off the fabric of my shirt and not just that but the feeling…it felt like a vacuum and it wanted to suck me into oblivion…

I screamed, like you wouldn't believe and I darted forward so fast that I tripped. I tumbled forward, turning and rolling on my side before rapidly getting back to my feet and then I continued to run. I couldn't stop, I knew it otherwise it wouldn't let me go this time.

I guess most people would go "please God, save me.” in such a situation but I am agnostic and I didn't feel anything but alone in such a moment. No divine intervention was going to save me. Nothing was going to save me.

My legs were so tired and worn from running for so long. I wanted to collapse in tears and fall into a warm bed or pool and relax. My body was just so tired and desperate to stumble upon a place where I didn't have to do anything.

How and when did I even start running? Where was I at the time? It felt like a never-ending forest of ferns and trees I was running through. All the trees were so high I couldn't see the top of them. I wanted to get out of here and just forget all this ever happened. Yet I doubted there was a way out of here.

In the beginning I tested myself to see if I was dreaming but I wasn't and then I had to run. It was such a sudden and irrational fear that I trusted it. Oh, I wished it was a dream but even my most realistic dreams felt nothing like this.

“escape. Escape. ESCAPE.”

I heard it begin behind me, starting as a chanting breath, then a raspy whisper that quickly escalated into a scream so loud it hurt my ears. I wanted to put my hands over my ears but suddenly something happened.

Well, multiple things happened all at once. The screaming chant turned into a cheer, the fear faded away and I stumbled onto a road. I fell to my knees, sobbing in relief even though I wasn't actually tearing up. My whole body collapsed on solid asphalt, everything burning in relief. I turned over, staring up to the sky with a smile.

Then something wrapped around my ankles, yanking me up into the air as another….tentacle I believe, wrapped around my arms and pinned them together above my head. I squirmed of course, mostly because I knew I was going to die and I did not want to. It had its face right on mine, breathing that foul smell all over me. I was staring into its eyes when the tentacles started tugging…

Tugging me in half.

I could feel my muscles straining to hold together but my screams of agony and best effort of struggling did nothing. My squirming was nothing to this monster. It kept slowly pulling until, with a wet pop! and spray of blood, as well as other bodily fluids, multiple snapping and a single, haunting crack! It dropped me on the pavement...in two pieces.

All my innards dropped and the pain was indescribable. I was staring at my separated body, horror in my face. I could still feel, and could completely see my stomach pulse, my organs twitch in the sudden release. There was much more room than they normally had.

I was completely ignoring the thing that did it till it leaned down and placed a hand on my dropping…well, where my lower abdomen had been. The feeling, that vacuum and awful feeling, began and this time I just could not fight it.

My whole existence disappeared into that thing.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 548
Reviews: 26

Donate
Sun Jun 08, 2014 11:21 pm
IDontKnowMaybeSo wrote a review...



Not bad :D There are a few issues -many have already been mentioned, but I may touch on them anyway...

Lack of commas:

-"I tried to focus on where to put my feet but I just kept falling."
There should be one between "feet" and "but."

-"My lips parted and I wanted to scream but instead I sobbed."
One is needed between "scream" and "but."

^_^ I think you get the idea, so I won't dwell.

Unnecessary Words and Awkward Phrasing:

- "The whispers couldn't shut up at all.."
"at all" isn't really needed. Also, "couldn't" might make more sense as "wouldn't." The word "couldn't" implies that the whispers weren't able to "shut up" where as "wouldn't," gives the impression that it was more of a refusal to do so.

- "I’m not sure in all honesty."
Honestly, I'm not sure. (?) -Same meaning, different wording. (Only a suggestion though, you can go about this in another way) If you don't want to change this sentence, you can delete it. The previous one ("Maybe that was why I kept falling?") suggests that the character doesn't know.

Oh, sorry! It doesn't look like I have time to finish. I'll continue my review later... Danka!




User avatar
508 Reviews


Points: 36791
Reviews: 508

Donate
Sun Jun 08, 2014 2:20 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:

paranoia infecting every thought like a cancer

Minor thing, but I'd advise dropping the "a" in front of cancer. It flows just a little bit better without it.

He’s here, he is here…

I'm not entirely sure why you didn't use a contraction on the second one. When people banter hysterically, they typically pick a phrase and repeat it exactly, over and over. So changing it to "he is here" made it feel like it's missing something (like "he is in here"). Maybe consider making both of them the same to give better realism.

The whispers couldn't shut up at all

I know these are really minor things, but why did you choose "couldn't"? Are the whispers in the MC's head? Then why isn't it "I couldn't shut the whispers up"? Or if they're outside, then why not "The whispers wouldn't shut up"? The couldn't implies that the MC has some control over the whispers. (And I keep wanting to say the MC's a girl, even though at this point the story's given no indication one way or the other.)

I’m not sure in all honesty.

This could do with a stylistic comma in between "sure" and "in" to give a more natural mental pause.

Haha, my brain was like soup, a complicated, confusing soup.

That middle comma could better be either a dash or colon, or as a period and make the latter half a stylistic fragment. I think the fragment would feel better, but try all the options out and see what you like.

I can hear it breathing

Verb tense shift. That can should be could (or change can hear to heard).

No, crying helped nothing, especially not in such an awful situation, which was a mystery.

That's a pretty long sentence that felt out of place. You could ditch "which was a..." to the end of the sentence completely, have the sentence mean the exact same thing, and be a lot stronger.

I can’t remember

Another verb tense shift. I'm wondering if you're doing that intentionally, but it doesn't seem to be serving a purpose to the story right now.

I screamed, like you wouldn't believe and I darted forward so fast that I tripped.

Shift the comma to after "believe," and drop the "I" in front of darted. Try that out and see how the reading flows.

I knew it otherwise it wouldn't let me go this time.

There's an extra "it," in front of otherwise, and you kind of smashed that next sentence into this one. You could either stop, or add a comma/semi-colon, after "knew."

I wanted to collapse in tears

Haha, that created a funny mental image. When you used "in" instead of "into," I got this split-second picture of this girl literally dissolving into a puddle of tears out of fear. Not the effect you were going for, and not exactly justified from the writing, but that illustrates the power of one word. :)

All the trees were so high I couldn't see the top of them.

Minor typo. "top" should be "tops."

I was staring at my separated body, horror in my face.

I'm sorry, but that last part was extremely cheesy. How in the world would the MC know what their face looked like? And saying "horror" in a horror piece is almost like uncouthly breaking the fourth wall in fiction. It's not something I'd recommend.

There was much more room than they normally had.

Um, what is that sentence supposed to mean? And the "There was" weakens the sentence. I think it's distracting you from what you're trying to communicate. Toss out the "there was" and then rework the sentence to say exactly what you want it to mean.

Overall I think you did a decent job conveying the estranged wonder of what the creature was and was trying to do. There were just a few minor little bumps that need attention, but on the whole you did a pretty good job.

Hope this helps!




User avatar


Points: 290
Reviews: 0

Donate
Sat Jun 07, 2014 3:58 am
SophiaReichelt says...



Really interesting. Quite dark and twisted,but it kept me as the reader on the edge of my seat. Keep up the good work.




User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 4169
Reviews: 42

Donate
Thu Jun 05, 2014 6:36 pm
malachitear says...



-deleted-




User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 4169
Reviews: 42

Donate
Thu Jun 05, 2014 6:36 pm
malachitear wrote a review...



One question. Who's writing this, if you've been swallowed up? :D

Hey there! It's Malachitear here for a review!

I like what you tried to do here, a real gory, horrific little piece.

However there were a few things I felt that really let down the piece. First of all, your dialogue should never run into your narration as it does here - but while we're talking about narration, you could probably afford to narrate a little less, and instead try to show what is happening by describing the sensations around you (the protagonist) rather than simply stating what you're feeling at the moment.

Also, the snarky deviations from the point of the story shouldn't distract the reader from the main point of the story. For example, here:

in such a situation but I am agnostic and I didn't feel anything but alone in such a moment. No divine intervention was going to save me. Nothing was going to save me.


You were probably going for some humor here, but I feel that it doesn't really have a place in this piece and it could have been better used to describe the gripping sense of loneliness that the protagonist feels, as if she most felt the absence of a higher power in the face of this fear.

There's also a kind of inconsistency in the plot, and the way everything is written haphazardly makes it difficult to follow. You could try to focus on one aspect of the story, e.g. setting, mood, (especially at the start) and then mesh it together as you develop the story. The way it is right now, you really can't develop any suspense or tension of any kind when you pretty much focus on the one idea of it coming after you without taking into account the scenery around the character and the things that the protagonist feels rather that what she is thinking at the time.

It wasn't slimy or rough, like a texture most people were frightened by. It was smooth, sliding off the fabric of my shirt and not just that but the feeling…it felt like a vacuum and it wanted to suck me into oblivion


Take this, for example. You have tried to describe one of the 5 senses, but you didn't accompany the physical sensation with an emotional one, which is what you need in order to grip the reader. You could try something that associated that 'vacuum' being something that scared you because... instead of comparing it with something that most people could be afraid of. As a sidenote, how can something feel like a vacuum? Does it feel like humming bulk of plastic that can suck up dirt? If you meant the feeling of void, or the ease at which the protagonist's hand passed through the creature, then you should say so! Precision in language goes a long way.

On the whole, I didn't feel particularly engaged with the story because of its lack of atmosphere, but if you work on that (and fix your plot a little bit) you could have a suspenseful, creepy little scene.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Keep writing!
~Binder





Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.
— Helen Keller