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18+ Language

The eternal quest

by Alchemist


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

This is autobiographic. xD Also inspired by a short story book I once read, the few-line stories.

Hello there. I am watching you.

Every step you make, my dear old friend, I will be following carefully. I know what you're up to. I know you want to hurt me. You are constantly trying to find an opening, a careless moment to spill my blood. Well; I've got bad news for you. You shall never succeed.

I never thought you would be like that. All around, people wear fake faces and then bang, stab, shoot, and their so called best friend suffer. I thought you were different.

Do you remember all the times we spent together? All the fun and secrets we shared? How could such an evil, disgusting plan come up to you, after all we've been through? I never hurt you that way.

No, my dear, old friend.

I will never let you burn me with that god damn cigar.

It will be an eternal quest of yours.


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Sun Jun 29, 2014 4:01 pm
ScarletDreams14 wrote a review...



Why is it rated 18+ for language? There's no bad-language in there.
Also why's it in the Humor section?

I didn't really find this funny, frankly I didn't really understand it.

I hope I didn't offend you or anything, but it's a little off place. The drama section is fine for this, but I wouldn't recommend Comedy.

The good news is, there's not really any spelling or punctuation issues that need fixing, so your good on that. Just because I didn't really like this doesn't mean that your work is bad. I just state my opinion as it's originally given. Keep it up and keep writing!

Also:

-If this is to stay in the humor section, maybe add a little humor?

-It shouldn't be 18+ there isn't any real language besides the word damn. That's not bad.

That's about it, sorry for the short review.


Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14; Member of Salsa Verde


Writer, Artist, Student and Reader




Alchemist says...


Short reply:

This is a story about how my friend tries to burn me with a cigar when we hang out. Intention is to make such a joke dramatic, I thought it would be funny but it obviously isn't/people don't seem to understand it. Well since from my perspective this is a humorous story and not a dramatic, it will stay in the humor section. :P

And yeah, the only 18 is "god damn", i didn't label it at first but someone got angry becouse I didn't so later on I changed it.

Thanks for reading, you didn't offend me! :)





I don't see how they would find it offensive by using damn... at least it should be rated 13 not 18. Maybe the fact that it is a personal story of yours is why no one gets the humor. Try explaining the story before the story.



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Thu Jun 05, 2014 7:06 pm
malachitear wrote a review...



I decided to ignore the bit about it being an autobiographic piece, and ended up feeling like this was some sort of riddle, after which I tried to think metaphorically and got myself nowhere :'( /heartbroken/

FYI, some of my guesses included a fly, and then tobacco itself, both of which seem entirely plausible.

So its Binder here for a short review!

I like how the last three lines really convey this complex mix of betrayal and expectation that really ended off the story nicely! However, I feel like the plot itself was missing something, or that it was being uncomfortably bland. With something this short, to try and encompass a big idea in it needs to involve some kind of technique with imagery so that there's more to take from the story than these lines by itself.

I never thought you would be like that. All around, people wear fake faces and then bang, stab, shoot, and their so called best friend suffer. I thought you were different.

Do you remember all the times we spent together? All the fun and secrets we shared? How could such an evil, disgusting plan come up to you, after all we've been through? I never hurt you that way.


For example, these two paragraphs seem really pointless. They don't add anything to the story, nor do they take away, because you are simply stating some expectation that this friend had, without attaching any complex emotion, to show some personal reason for feeling betrayed which can engage the reader a lot more.

This applies to the second sentence of the example above the most, because it truly has no information to give, and could have been added as an afterthought. Something you could go by is to try excluding something and re-read it and see if it gives you anything different in terms of understanding.

After reading everything I think I get a little of the humor, where this disgruntled, betrayed guy harps on about his feelings when he can't even get burnt by that cigar (apparently).
However, I think you could try to make it more apparent by including more characterization of the person narrating. That, I think, might give the story the kick it needs.

Other than all that, it's pretty okay. Just try to add more depth.

If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

Keep Writing!
~Binder




Alchemist says...


It seems like people don't understand my story. xD Maybe it is cultural differences, I don't know. Let me explain.

This is a story about my friend, who literally tries to burn my skin with a cigar every time we hang out. xD If you watch really carefully, no sentence specifies how is he trying to hurt me. And it is also something people around here tend to do, thats how they make fun of their friends.

Do you get the humour now? I made it seem like he is something terrible, but I actually talked only about how I won't let him burn me with the cigar. Meh, its my first try to write something funny, but still, people doensn's seem to understand. xD

Anyway, it was written just for fun, so im not very concerned. Thanks for review anyway! :D



malachitear says...


Man. Oh man. Yeah, I do now!

After I so seriously flirted with the idea of it being a fly too...

You're welcome for the review though! Hope it helped anyway.



Alchemist says...


actually threre are three mosquitos im hunting, maybe you are on to something! XD



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Wed Jun 04, 2014 10:38 pm
r4p17 wrote a review...



It is interesting that you chose to write this first person. This is only the third work in all of my writing and reading years that has been written from the first person POV.

Now to the actual review. Why do you call the person you are writing about a dear old friend if this person wants to kill you? I know this is a short story but you should at least provide some reason for why a friend would want to kill you. I am not sure if this is supposed to be in a letter format or not.

Finally a dissaprove of the bad language; and there is no way you could be burned by a cigar. This work was also not very humorous at all. You should show the drama and or humor rather than tell it.




Alchemist says...


Hm, the point of that story is, he literally wants to burn me with the cigar, thats what it's all about. Not burn me to death! :)




But if he hadn't said that, Bear Thompson wouldn't have been himself.
— CaptainJack