Was it an animal?
z
That Monday morning
the topic of discussion was the
way his heart had broken.
They were desperate to know about the girl
in Grenwich who'd left him in pieces,
about the flowers he’d taken three days
before on that train and left tucked between
the wooden slats of a bench in the station;
here lies
in memorium
The dark moons around his eyes and the
slowness of his smile and the smoothness
of his chin. They all wanted to know
about the girl in Grenwich that had broken
his heart and all I could think about
were those whiskers, lying on the floor
forgotten,
only to be swept away.
Wanna try help me get better at poetry, YWS?
The dark moons around his eyes and the
slowness of his smile and the smoothness
of his chin.
Nice imagery! I would leave a review, but everything I wanted to say was already said! You definitely got a like out of me.
Tinny! <3
It feels like my brain went into the direction of thinking it went back to the flowers there at the end that were forgotten/swept away, like I wanted to think 'whiskers' was like a type of flower, but I couldn't find anything on that, so literal whiskers, then?
This sort of makes me question back my reading: as I was first reading through it, I liked how the first stanza pulled me right into the "conversation" of these two people who've broken up, and I can feel the curiosity in this line "They were desperate to know about the girl". I would echo another reviewer that the second stanza really has this "photograph" effect there with the imagery. The only thing I'd have for suggestions to that is to cut some of those needless prepositions, like there's a lot of "betweens, ofs, in, before" I almost want to keep it super plain/streamlined. Do we really need to know about the three days?
They were desperate to know about the girl
in Grenwich who'd left him in pieces,
about the flowers he’dtaken three daysleft tucked between
before on that train and
the wooden slats ofa bench in the station(on a station bench)
Hi tinny,
Nice to meet you.
You actually don't need that much help in terms of writing poetry it seems. This is a good poem. You have taken something that's ordinary and made it unique by addressing it as a series of images that we can relate to. So basically I'm going to point out what you could still improve and what you've done well so that you know why I say this is a good poem and you have the blunt "I'm good at this" feeling you should have.
You started this poem out really strong. Not only is it "That" day, but you draw us into the discussion as a part of the spectators asking questions and that's a very good hook to have. You have good structure for the lines with just a few nitpicks.
Line breaks! This is something that a lot of people have more trouble with than you do. I like the majority of your line breaks but try to leave important words at the end instead of the beginning of phrases. Seeing as you've been on here since 2006, have 4 stars and 186 reviews of your own, I'm going to just loosely say don't break up phrases and you'll probably know what I mean. If you're not sure, then I'll give you some examples.
That Monday morning
the topic of discussion was the
way his heart had broken.
about the flowers he’d taken three days
before on that train and left tucked between
the wooden slats of a bench in the station;
were those whiskers, lying on the floor
forgotten,
only to be swept away.
This is really good. I do have a few nitpicks, of course. But only a few.
That Monday morning
the topic of discussion was the
way his heart had broken.
Hello!
I'd love to help you get better!
So this was pretty wonderful. I loved the beautiful images, and the little details that you narrowed in on. I like hearing the story about the train, and imagining flowers resting between wooden slats. It was all very beautiful!
I think one thing that takes away from this poem is the line breaks. They interrupt the flow of speaking/reading. I think if you read this aloud and only break where you take a pause, or where there's a break in meaning, or just a break in your mind, it would be better.
For example:
the topic of discussion was the
way his heart had broken.
the topic of discussion
was the way his heart had broken.
Points: 322
Reviews: 1
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