Young Writers Society

Hello, Chips here to review!

I thought was a personal piece of poetry which was also quite insightful. It was written simply and was straight forward to understand the type of message you want to convey. I also liked how it didn't continue with the initial sadness it had. I thought you worked with the rhyme scheme well too since most rhyme poems feel forced and unnatural, to me, so well done on that!

However, there is always room to improve, so here are some suggestions you may want to apply.

"My life may seem great

On the outside I am happy as can be

There is just more you need to see

So let's get the story straight"


This was a fine start, you immediately hit the reader with most of the message of your poem already. This is both a good and not so good thing, in my opinion. I felt like the way you expressed it was almost too direct in telling the reader everything, before the poem even begins. Yes, it avoided waffling but it needed to use more poetic language for a better flow and perhaps more imagery here to really create a solid emotion.


"I may go through a lot of pain

Being sad, I can't say

For it just ruins my day

It just makes life hard again"

This stanza had a bit more emotion involved though I would have prefered to see this "sad" emotion elaborated on. I dislike the word usage of "sad", its such an okay word that it doesn't create an emphasis. Since life begins to feel, "hard again", the word "sad" just doesn't seem to be relevant when life is hard use words such as, "exhausted, broken, empty, melancholy, torn, diabolical, upset etc... "

"Pain is what no one wants to feel

Negative thoughts just go away

You're not going to be a downer to me today

My true feelings are becoming real"

I liked the positive ending here which was nice to see. Though I think the word, "downer" didn't quite fit.


Overall nice work, keep writing! Hope this review was of help to you.


--Chips

Hello Aeri,
As wtppowers said "A POEM THAT RHYMES!"
Now then, this is a very nice concept for a poem. To have the ability to express feelings so fluently through poetry as you did here is a very enviable quality. (I'm very jealous).
The First Stanza: I liked the first stanza it set up the poem in a way that was "human". Its as if you are talking to me (in rhyme) and explaining to me what your life really is. Also I liked the last line it was different and reminded me that this isn't a philanthropy poem its a poem about life and I liked that aspect.
The Second Stanza: It's a tad confusing in comparison with the stanza that precedes it. The last line "It just makes life hard again" should be elaborated on. How does it make life hard again?
The Third Stanza: I want to hug you. This stanza really tugged on those heart strings. It summarized the whole poem and the lives of so many people simply yet with so much meaning. It was simply beautiful.
Overall this was a wonderful poem and a joy to read. *goes to like*
Keep Writing!
~Catcha01

A POEM THAT RHYMES!
Okay, so here we go with this review. The first stanza is good and simple. It sets up the poem... or at least what it should be.
The second stanza is a tad confusing, and not as detailed as I'd like. You tell us to "get the story straight", yet you don't tell us much of a story. It's only a brief summary of the story, if you know what I mean. Maybe a third one, outlining some problems would help this piece out. It could very well help you connect you with the reader.
The final stanza is very empowering. You order the negative thoughts to go away, and you tell the downers and rude people that they won't affect you. It's a great stanza. But maybe I'd add a bit more, before this stanza, showing how you've overcome your problems, whatever they might be.
Nonetheless, this is still a great piece. Keep up the writing, Aeri. It's only up from here!