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by Nishan


He felt strange over the years of vicarious unkempt love

as when the lustrous wet paper met his eyes

and the reflecting rainbow light merged with the moonlit dove

when touched his shadow in dull ecstatic light

seemed if night would come to an end with feeble sunlight

And so it spread along the rational lies

Till the regretful vice came into closed sight

To discover himself a maudlin

under the wings of morbid life

and didn't sobbing help him out

with the bushes of vicious fate

and so he reached the memoirs of the love round and about

that hid under his prudent mind.

Realizing the endeared heart for a bait,

his winks never blinked with the sunlight,

and never his genius ignited the path of life

And so, he remains

under the biased might

with his erratic mask of faith helping

to hide the candor plight.


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286 Reviews


Points: 16319
Reviews: 286

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Fri May 30, 2014 9:12 pm
AstralHunter wrote a review...



Greetings, young one.

I see you have been a member of the Young Writers Society for but five days! Well, let me be one of the first to welcome you. I assure you, you will not regret joining, and I must admit, you are most certainly a worthy addition to the world of literature, be you undiscovered or not.

I shall begin my review by confessing that poetry is not one of my strong points. At spelling, grammar and punctuation I am good, however, so I shall rather focus on those.


He felt strange over the years of vicarious unkempt love

as when the lustrous wet paper met his eyes

Already I am impressed by your descriptive skills and the extent to which your vocabulary spans, and I am not known for my generosity with compliments. However, I should advise adding a comma after your first line, simply for the sake of smoother reading. Poetry is not restricted by the same rules as writing in the traditional sense though, so I suppose you can ignore these pieces of advise if you wish, but I should not recommend it.

when touched his shadow in dull ecstatic light

Due to the lack of sufficient punctuation in this poem, I cannot discern whether or not this is the beginning of a new sentence or still a continuation of the previous one.

And so, he remains

Not only do I think the repetition of "and so" is redundant, but I have also noticed that you wrongly place certain words in their own line. In some cases, I think it unwise, for by doing so you emphasise the words unnecessarily.


Other than these few objections, I am immensely satisfied with the quality of your poetry. I think the narrator in the poem has been infidelious to his lover and is now paying the price, but I am not too sure.

I wish you the best of luck with your future writing, and congratulations on an excellent piece of poetry. (Be wary of verbosity and using unnecessarily "big" words. ;) )

Rating for this text: four stars (excellent)




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11 Reviews


Points: 204
Reviews: 11

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Thu May 29, 2014 9:38 pm
Giselle97 says...



Hi I'm Giselle and here's my review !

The style of the poem is really good, it flows perfectly. I love your choice of words when you said,

"when touched his shadow in dull ecstatic light

seemed if night would come to an end with feeble sunlight"

Nicely done.

Keep up the good work :D




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42 Reviews


Points: 100
Reviews: 42

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Wed May 28, 2014 1:14 am
ElectraHeart wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here to review for ya today!
So I mostly likes this poem but what bothers me is that the whole first part is either missing punctuation or is a huge-normeous run on sentence and it just bothers me soooo much because as I'm reading I'm searching for a chance to pause for emphasis and agh! There is none! That was seriously the only thing I saw wrong with that. The next thing is just a small suggestion. Some readers don't have an extended vocabulary so you might want to use smaller or easier words. Just a suggestion!
Keep writing,
~Sarai Rayne





When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
— Walter Lippmann