Hey Laure!
I'm all caught up *dances* But the formatting D: Let's ignore it for now, shall we? This wasn't too long a chapter and I don't really have much to comment on by way of plot. All we get is him entering the street and waiting to see who he needs to deliver the cocaine too. We also get a very nice description of the setting as well, which was something I liked But aside from that, there isn't much more to say about this chapter, so I am afraid I will have to stick to nitpicks again When you post the next chapter, this is not going to happen anymore!
Well, at least the ketchup packet didn’t leak all over the shirt, he sniffed at the dented packet in his hands disdainfully before chucking it into the nearby bin.
This confused me quite the bit. Where was the ketchup even coming from? Was the shirt in a bag amongst other things or something? Because the ketchup isn't mentioned until now it seems to pop up out of the blue and doesn't really fit into the story yet... Also, The Problem has come back to haunt us here too. That second comma should really be a full stop.
Shifting his weight lightly
Here is where I think you unnecessarily use adverbs again. Because we see him shifting his weight we already know he is doing it lightly, otherwise you'd be jumping from foot to foot, which isn't really shifting. So we can cut the word lightly from this because it's pretty irrelevant.
Even though no one had bothered to put a border between the upper and lower class of town, though those classifications probably aren’t even valid in the 21st Century.
I don't think this sentence makes sense at all, because of the 'though's that seems out of place. I rephrased it to what I think you meant, but do correct me if I am wrong... Even though no one had bothered to put a border between the upper and lower class of town, it was pretty obvious to see. But those classifications probably aren't valid in the 21st century anyway. <-- If you are going to use the example there, make sure you show the difference between the two sides so there is some reasoning to back up the statement.
The other were pristine and clean, the white pavement shone with an unholy whiteness beneath the glaring sun and he wondered as he crossed, how the two managed to live such different lives in one town.
I think you mean 'the other was pristine and clean.' This is also a run on sentence because it is too long with too many commas. I think the first comma should actually be one of these ; and after the word sun you should have a full stop. Then you can have a new sentence with 'he wondered'. I also kind of reshuffled the sentence a bit so you get rid of that comma. Like so: He wondered how the two managed to live such different lives in one town as he crossed the street.
You should know, you are one. His mind scoffed silently.
No need for that full stop in between those two sentences. It should really be a comma. Also, you might want to use italics when you say his direct thoughts, so that we can differentiate between that and the narrative a bit. One last thing! I would get rid of the silently on the end here. It's one of those unnecessary adverbs because we already know anything the mind does will be done in silence. Your mind can't talk
and flawless makeup seem to jump out at him
Past tense warning! This should be seemed instead of seem.
What is it with these girls, and their doll-like faces.
Even if he is asking the question to himself, it still is a question! Which means it needs a question mark
he has no idea what it does
Past tense warning! This sentence should be: he had no idea what it did.
Annoyed and confused by the sudden paroxysm of nostalgia.
This needs to be made into a full sentence. So, begin it with 'he was annoyed' and then continue from there.
who the hell he was suppose to deliver 50g of cocaine to.
As I've mentioned before, this is a question so it needs a question mark.
Laure, I am very happy I adopted this novel. You've done a great job with writing it, and I enjoyed reading this a lot. There can only be more to come in the future, so you better keep writing ^.^ And you should also post on my wall or something whenever the next chapter comes so I can get to it as soon as possible! You're writing style is awesome, I love all you descriptions and this story is really moving forwards. Keep it up
Deanie x
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