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Young Writers Society



Chapter eight part two, (Renatus)

by Laure


Jonathan He swapped the rumpled hoodie and baggy trousers for a pair of creased Ralph Lauren shirt and Gap jeans. Well, at least the ketchup packet didn’t leak all over the shirt, he sniffed at the dented packet in his hands disdainfully before chucking it into the nearby bin. Shifting his weight lightly, Jonathan zipped the bag shut and glanced beyonds the traffic lights. Even though no one had bothered to put a border between the upper and lower class of town, though those classifications probably aren’t even valid in the 21st Century. Allambee road was divided into two halves, one was littered with rubbish, beer cans, grafftti scrawled over the black tar like deranged bird poop and pieces of damp newspaper clung to the sidewalks. The other were pristine and clean, the white pavement shone with an unholy whiteness beneath the glaring sun and he wondered as he crossed, how the two managed to live such different lives in one town. You should know, you are one. His mind scoffed silently. The air wasn’t precisely better on this side of town, but it lacked that stale and age-old air of a place long abandoned by hope. Two girls in perfectly styled clothes strode by, their matching blonde hair and flawless makeup seem to jump out at him like clowns and he winced. What is it with these girls, and their doll-like faces. It creeped the hell outta him. 234 Rission Street was a street in the business district of the town, 234 being one of the buildings that well, he has no idea what it does. Only that whenever he walked past, there were always at least five security guards guarding the entrance in sleek, navy and black uniforms. Their eyes a uniform shape of hawkish gliny watching as if someone could drop from the sky and bomb the building. Instead of using the main road, he took a detour using the smaller roads that he used to play in when he was a kid. Those were the good days when people had more freedom, when curfews were assigned and nobody kept track of who’s doing what if no one was harmed. The cobblestones were rang a melodious melody as the soles of his converse strode across the roads where he had ridden in the pouring rain, passed the light pole where he had his first failed love. Down the street where he had ran naked one winter night because someone had dared him to, round a corner to the shop that was provided his source of happiness. Danna’s candy shop! The paint flaked off the board in ribbons of red and yellow, he paused a moment as he always did and wondered where Danna had disappeared of to. There wasn’t a kid in the town who didn’t know Danna, Danna the Santa they used to call her. Because whenever a kid passes her by, lollies of all kind always seem to manifest out of nowhere. And one summer, when he was seven. Danna’s shop had closed and ever since, the empty windows that seem to scorch against his souls. “God’s Dammit, Danna.” He whispered fiercely, swiping a teardrop away with an angry flick of his finger and strode on. Annoyed and confused by the sudden paroxysm of nostalgia. By the time he made it to all the glory of the Corp Building, all seventy-seven floor of glass and steel he had his emotions under control. He scanned the perimeter, two guards at the entrance. He backed away slowly, straightening up his clothing before reopening the bag flicking through the deck of false ID cards. The Corp one barely scraped off, passing him off as one of the Officer’s kid. A very minor office so no one had bothered to check if it is legit but then, what’s a kid going to do much. Apparently he wasn’t the only one, the guards glanced at the card and let him through. And he praised whatever deity there was above when the detectors didn’t scream their shrill warning. Coolness instantly draped over his skin like another skin as he stepped into the cool interior, shivering lightly he opened up the slip he had kept inside the jean pocket and wondered, who the hell he was suppose to deliver 50g of cocaine to. Perhaps he didn’t notice that he was standing smack middle in the foyer, with his mouth in a grimace but one particular did. And Jonathan received a rather nasty clip to the shoulder as the man brushed past with more force than usual, moments later, gritting his teeth at the pain he realized whom his customer was. Who else would randomly bump into a kid with such force when the foyer was particularly empty? A sly grin stretched his pale lips as he recollected himself and scurried after the tall man, standing by the elevator unmoving. Waiting. Waiting. He walked apprehensively and wondered how he was going to trade this. There were surely CCTV in every corner and room in this building, and the silence and power that radiated from the man beside him was more than frightening. They arrived on the 75th floor. Scarlet carpet dotted with carnations greeted him. Doorknobs of gleaming gold accompanied him down the corridor. The stopped at door 101. Click. “Please wait inside.” The modernly interiors awaited him as if it were going to swallow him alive. One step. Two step. Three. Click. He turned, palm against the cool ivory door. Who am I waiting for?


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Sun Jun 22, 2014 4:16 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey Laure!

I'm all caught up *dances* But the formatting D: Let's ignore it for now, shall we? This wasn't too long a chapter and I don't really have much to comment on by way of plot. All we get is him entering the street and waiting to see who he needs to deliver the cocaine too. We also get a very nice description of the setting as well, which was something I liked :) But aside from that, there isn't much more to say about this chapter, so I am afraid I will have to stick to nitpicks again :( When you post the next chapter, this is not going to happen anymore!

Well, at least the ketchup packet didn’t leak all over the shirt, he sniffed at the dented packet in his hands disdainfully before chucking it into the nearby bin.


This confused me quite the bit. Where was the ketchup even coming from? Was the shirt in a bag amongst other things or something? Because the ketchup isn't mentioned until now it seems to pop up out of the blue and doesn't really fit into the story yet... Also, The Problem has come back to haunt us here too. That second comma should really be a full stop.

Shifting his weight lightly


Here is where I think you unnecessarily use adverbs again. Because we see him shifting his weight we already know he is doing it lightly, otherwise you'd be jumping from foot to foot, which isn't really shifting. So we can cut the word lightly from this because it's pretty irrelevant.

Even though no one had bothered to put a border between the upper and lower class of town, though those classifications probably aren’t even valid in the 21st Century.


I don't think this sentence makes sense at all, because of the 'though's that seems out of place. I rephrased it to what I think you meant, but do correct me if I am wrong... Even though no one had bothered to put a border between the upper and lower class of town, it was pretty obvious to see. But those classifications probably aren't valid in the 21st century anyway. <-- If you are going to use the example there, make sure you show the difference between the two sides so there is some reasoning to back up the statement.

The other were pristine and clean, the white pavement shone with an unholy whiteness beneath the glaring sun and he wondered as he crossed, how the two managed to live such different lives in one town.


I think you mean 'the other was pristine and clean.' This is also a run on sentence because it is too long with too many commas. I think the first comma should actually be one of these ; and after the word sun you should have a full stop. Then you can have a new sentence with 'he wondered'. I also kind of reshuffled the sentence a bit so you get rid of that comma. Like so: He wondered how the two managed to live such different lives in one town as he crossed the street.

You should know, you are one. His mind scoffed silently.


No need for that full stop in between those two sentences. It should really be a comma. Also, you might want to use italics when you say his direct thoughts, so that we can differentiate between that and the narrative a bit. One last thing! I would get rid of the silently on the end here. It's one of those unnecessary adverbs because we already know anything the mind does will be done in silence. Your mind can't talk ;)

and flawless makeup seem to jump out at him


Past tense warning! This should be seemed instead of seem.

What is it with these girls, and their doll-like faces.


Even if he is asking the question to himself, it still is a question! Which means it needs a question mark ;)

he has no idea what it does


Past tense warning! This sentence should be: he had no idea what it did.

Annoyed and confused by the sudden paroxysm of nostalgia.


This needs to be made into a full sentence. So, begin it with 'he was annoyed' and then continue from there.

who the hell he was suppose to deliver 50g of cocaine to.


As I've mentioned before, this is a question so it needs a question mark.

Laure, I am very happy I adopted this novel. You've done a great job with writing it, and I enjoyed reading this a lot. There can only be more to come in the future, so you better keep writing ^.^ And you should also post on my wall or something whenever the next chapter comes so I can get to it as soon as possible! You're writing style is awesome, I love all you descriptions and this story is really moving forwards. Keep it up ;)

Deanie x




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Sat Jun 21, 2014 2:22 am
JayeCShore wrote a review...



Hi, J.C. here for a review!

Like Aley said, I'll try to ignore the lack of formatting (paragraphs and sentence structure,) as well as the consistent grammar mistakes. Those affect the piece, but only if it's being published as a finished piece, so no fret there. And I also understand that it's not your fault, so, no worries.

Jonathan He swapped the rumpled hoodie and baggy trousers for a pair of creased Ralph Lauren shirt and Gap jeans.


So first off, I notice a few mistakes in grammar. The first two words don't fit, and I'm not sure if you want it to be "Jonathan" or "He." Whichever, it should not be both. Secondly, "...pair of creased Ralph Lauren shirt and Gap jeans." This part of the sentence also does not work. Jeans are their own pair, and a shirt and jeans are not a pair, because they aren't the same type of thing. You could simply omit the part I've underlined to make it come out right.

Well, at least the ketchup packet didn’t leak all over the shirt, he sniffed at the dented packet in his hands disdainfully before chucking it into the nearby bin.


Once again, because of the grammar, I'm a bit confused as to exactly what you are saying. Where did this ketchup come from? And why did it not get on his shirt? It seems like a random thing, and just doesn't fit.

Also, there should be a period after "shirt," separating the one sentence into two correct sentences.

Even though no one had bothered to put a border between the upper and lower class of town, though those classifications probably aren’t even valid in the 21st Century.


I apologize if I'm pointing out one mistake after another, but they are there, and it's all I'm seeing.

For this sentence, when you put "even though" at the beginning, it means you're going to contradict what you say in the sentence with a rebuttal. "Even though I didn't like jello, I ate it anyways." Your sentence doesn't do that. And, on top of that, the sentence is and of itself two sentences, that have the same problem.

It should go something like this, "Even though no one had bothered to put a border between the upper and lower classes of town, the line was obvious in the way the expensive, ornate homes suddenly began, leaving behind those dirty, half abandoned ones."

I mean, it doesn't have to be that exactly, or even close, but you have to finish out the thought to make it correct.

You should know, you are one. His mind scoffed silently.


I'm not sure if Jonathan is talking to himself out loud, or in his head, but either way, you need to differentiate by putting what he has said into quotation marks, or italics. Otherwise, the reader can't tell if the character is speaking, or the narrator is to the reader.

Those were the good days when people had more freedom, when curfews were assigned and...


Personally, I don't see how "assigned curfews" gives anyone freedom? If you understand differently, then please, tell me.

But before I continue to ramble on, I'm going to stop there. I know that all I've done in this review are point out the mistakes I've noticed. Honestly, I apologize, but I can't read and judge a work like this in any other way. Without there being proper formatting (paragraphs, sentence breaks) and punctuation, including quotation marks and or italics, I'm unable to discern what is going on exactly, and what you, the author, are trying to tell/teach me.

If you do, by chance, work out these problems, I'd love to come back and read and review this again with a less grammatical, critical mindset.

Thank you Laure!

#D65F54 ">- JC -




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Wed Jun 04, 2014 6:44 pm
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Aley wrote a review...



I'm going to ignore the lack of paragraphs considering it was probably a technical error.

So let's move on to some other things.

Even though no one had bothered to put a border between the upper and lower class of town, though those classifications probably aren’t even valid in the 21st Century.

This is just two fragments of a sentence that never got finished. Unfortunately two fragments does not make a whole in this case considering both fragments are asking for another fragment with their beginning word. "Though" is one of those words that sort of means another shoe has to drop. If you took one of them out, this would probably be a perfectly fine sentence. "No one had bothered to put up a border between the upper and lower class of town, though those classifications probably aren't even valid in the 21st Century."
or
"Even though no one had bothered to put up a boarder between the upper and lower classes of town, those classification probably aren't even valid in the 21st Century." Both of them still kind of feel like there needs to be some work figuring out how those two things are related and why the character was thinking about putting up a boarder between the two sides.

The other were pristine and clean, the white pavement shone with an unholy whiteness beneath the glaring sun and he wondered as he crossed, how the two managed to live such different lives in one town.


The other what? Are we talking sidewalks, lobbies, areas, segments, towns? There are a couple other spots where I think you're missing a word or two so I suggest going back through this and carefully reading for words, and putting in paragraphs <3

Overall I think the action is alright. I'm a little confused about why we need to know about Danna considering everything is supposed to have it's spot. Is she going to become an important character later on or are you just going to huff it and see if she shows up somewhere like on a list of the dead-by-government-execution? I kind of feel like she doesn't have a place aside from tormenting our poor narrator and to me there needs to be a place for people above and beyond that. She does serve as a good symbol of the destruction via government oversight in this area though, I will give you that.




Laure says...


The paragraphs got merged.x.x




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