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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Prakfura Raiders: Chapter Three: Part One

by PiesAreSquared


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Chapter Three

If you choose to brave the freezing blizzards of Northern Droa, you would eventually come to a place known as Konkliska. Quartz crystals glitter the ground, purer than the purest gold. It split the pouring sunlight into a sparkling field of rainbows. Beyond these fields Droans say the unicorns make their home. No one ventures there. At least, no one sane does. Few who goes ever come back, and though they bring back unicorns, it is universally acknowledged that such specimens are weak and malformed, unable to survive the harshness of their natural world. But that is, if you choose.

My eyes watered as my head spins. Blood trickles from the prick from my needle. Dizziness clouds my mind. I squint.

“Aley?” My mother’s tone sounded worried, as though she had spoken to me earlier. I couldn’t recall.

“Yeah?” I asked, my head pounding.

“Put it down. Get some sleep, we’ll talk about this tomorrow.” She stretched out her hand to take away the doublet I had been working on, clicking her tongue as she surveyed the piece. With a sigh, she dismissed me.

My pounding feet and heart took me up to my room. It had become mine alone ever since my twelfth birthday, when Mom decided she would shift her own bedding downstairs. Not that I minded, her constant harrassment of my insistence on keeping the prakfura was really getting to me.

I stuffed the finger into my mouth as I fell onto the straw. The traitor brain that I had burst to life, filling me with thoughts. I slammed my eyes shut, willing myself to sleep. I but succeeded in adding fuel to the fire of thoughts.

I forced my mind to drift, playing out a daydream like an old cherished memory. It was of birds, free to fly in the sky. I envied them. No limits. In the dream I would crush birds in my hands after luring them with bread crumbs.

The daydream soon shifted into a nightdream. It was no ordinary dream, for the light shifted in dancing shafts of glossy black. I dreamt I was being hauled along a narrow passage, a sword at my hip, my wrists tied tightly together.

I shuddered. Such dreams had been plaguing me ever since that birthday party. I never had held another one for the past four years. Even though Dwinfer never found out who peppered his breads the next morning, the prank brought no mirth. It was as though a great burden had been placed on my heart. Sometimes a tear would spring to my eye for no reason I could tell.

I popped my eyes open, shivering under the blankets. A black dread had seized me, and I lay on the straw, the sides of my vision narrowing. Taking a deep breath, I hailed myself up to sit, before dropping my head into m hands. A rooster called. The dreams always ended with that rooster calling. I could tell it from any other rooster. It's call was shrill, like a screaming man.

Shoving aside the blanket, I stood up on wobbly feet. A cold nausea ran inside me. I gripped my stomach, willing it all away.

I gingerly traveled down the steps, its shadows rushing far out into the work room. My eyes caught the single flame of a candle. Cocking an eyebrow, I whispered, "Mom?"

No reply came, so I tip-toed the remaining steps, peering through the dim light. "Mom?" I repeated. A black silhouette sat at the table, her head sunk under the protective folds of her arm. "Mom!" Louder.

She made no motion. Creasing my brows, I crossed to stand beside her. Still she did not stir. Worry knawed my insides, making it feel like ash. Mom never slept this heavily. I plucked the candle from the spot where it ha melted into the table. It had burnt for a long while, the wax was thick at the base.

I placed a hand on my mother's shoulder and a shocking chill raced up my spine. She was cold. Frozen cold. My nostrils started to swell, and my lips parted in a grimace. I had seen enough bodies to know what was before me. A soft hiccup-sound broke from me. It seemed to open the floodgates, because I never remembered myself crying as hard before or after. I leaned over the table to grasp her body in an awkward hug. My fingers clawed at her flesh, as though willing it to live yet again.

I did not know how long I remained there. I was broken from my grief by sharp talons of sunlight jabbing through the cracks in the walls. My hands were shaky, and I felt hollow. I forced myself to get up, and struck out at the world. Shouting with all the force I could muster, I cursed the man who had abandoned us to a life of pain and took away out future. Screaming imprecations soon brought the Buffons to the door, irritably enquiring as to the cause. I sunk down on a chair, exhausted by the turmoil all around.


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Wed Jun 04, 2014 5:29 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Hi Pies, I am all caught up once this review is done!! YAY!! XD Anyway, elt's get right into the story!

If you choose to brave the freezing blizzards of Northern Droa, you would eventually come to a place known as Konkliska. Quartz crystals glitter the ground, purer than the purest gold. It split the pouring sunlight into a sparkling field of rainbows. Excellent sentences. Very descriptive and colorful, but not too telly. Beyond these fields Droans say the unicorns make their home. No one ventures there. At least, no one sane does. Few who goes Should be go, not "goes" ever come back, and though they bring back unicorns, it is universally acknowledged that such specimens are weak and malformed, unable to survive the harshness of their natural world. Natural world? so like is Konkliska an alternate universe or something? And if these beasts are so weak in the world, why are they so feared? But that is, if you choose.

Big chunk I know. But I had a lot of points to make. :) Also, shouldn't this whole thing be in italics as you have had previously at the beginning of your chapters?

My eyes watered as my head spins.

Which tense you going with here? We have been in past tense.

And now we are three more years ahead, and seeing into the future I believe (prologue anyone?) and then her mom dies and then it's morning GAAAH! My head shall burst.

*Breathes deeply.* OK. Whew, that was fast-paced, and yet I think this is your best chapter yet! Good amount of clear detail and a lot of action. I am wondering what is going to happen now. I do feel this happened fast, and maybe a little more intro in the time-change would help. A simple "Three years later" note could really prepare us before delving into this chapter. But a good one nonetheless!

~Messenger




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Fri May 30, 2014 7:19 pm
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OliveDreams wrote a review...



*POPS UP!* Yes, I am alive. 



My birthday is done, over and I’ve come out of my depressed Vampire Diaries state.

I am ready to work, work, work and be you’re sage once more!

I’ll do all the chapters that I’ve missed into one big review, okay?

:)

Chapter Two: Part Two

You’re speech gets better and better with every new chapter I read.

You’ve really caught the youthfulness and relationship between these two characters. I really hope that they stay friends and you don’t go and turn them against each other! AH! Or you could be a cruel, yet brilliant writer and do just that to me!

The ending of this chapter is perfect. It’s the excitement I was waiting for, the questions I wanted opened up and the cliffhanger I longed for. I feel some of the chapter beforehand is just a filler. It needs to be sharper.

Pick out the parts you really think are important to include & get rid of the rest. I like that we’ve been introduced to her mother, though. Nicely done. 

I agree with you by the way. I like the sentence fragments. Keep it in.

Chapter Two: Part Three

"Take this outside. Throw it away, but make sure no one sees you throw it away."
- I feel like I want you to change the second ‘throw it away’ to something different. Just to make it flow better!

I love that you’re already bringing through Aley’s commanding manner whilst she’s still young. I can see why she becomes feared by her followers/army.

Aley’s mothers fear seemed to dwindle fast. Like lightening fast. I feel like she would plead with her daughter some more for her own safety.

I wish we had some more explanation about what it really means to be protected by the raiders. Feed me info, Pies.

Imagery. You are amazing at it. Remember this?

The top of the hill was shrouded in a mist so thick it obscured an ancient platform that had been raised around the bubbling dirt opening of the spring.


I know you’re trying out a new style. But I miss this :( I miss this side of you! 



What does the castle look like? What does the party decorations look like? Music sound like? Food smell like? Taste Like?

Chapter Three: Part One

It split the pouring sunlight into a sparkling field of rainbows.


*sighs with relief* You’ve come back to me. <3

LOVE that we’ve jumped forward. What a great way to inject some freshness!

I like that we’ve seen a different side of Aley at the end of this chapter. It’s nice to know that some people do manage to effect her emotions. It makes a the reader able to identify with her a little more.

Still love where this is going. I can’t wait to meet Ry again!!!!

Until the next time we meet, Pies... <3




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Thu May 29, 2014 1:55 pm
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Aley wrote a review...



Yo.

So a few quick things and some longer ones. I found two words that were misspelled just by reading through it, so I marked those. There may or may not be more. I feel like you're definitely trying to put more emotion into the story, so that's very good. Aley seems more like a person with crying about her mom. She may still be a little flat, considering women have such a wide range of emotions at any given time, and here she mostly seems irritated before going to bed.

Also you're sort of lacking in description. There's a lot of telling going on because you keep telling us things like "It seemed to open the floodgates, because I never remembered myself crying as hard before or after." instead of showing us the tears streaming down her face. She just slept in hay, so she has to be dirty. Why not show us the tears cleaning off the dirt from her face?

The only thing I really know about the house is that there is an upstairs and a downstairs, and it has straw beds. I don't know what condition the walls are in, I don't know if they have a sink or running water. I couldn't even tell you if the upstairs was a loft or an actual upstairs. Maybe you included these details in other places, but this goes with how you're heavily based in telling the story instead of showing us the story. We can make assumptions for ourselves, we don't need to be told "I cursed the man who had..." You can have her screaming it. It's going to bring more emotion into the piece if you work on that.

Onto the nitpicks.

The traitor brain that I had burst to life, filling me with thoughts.
Is this, "My traitor brain burst to life, filling me with thoughts about killing my mom" or like, "The traitor brain I busted with a club filled me with thoughts" or something else? It's an awkward sentence at best. "That I had" muddles it up and also most brains DO produce thought, so it's nothing new "filling me with thoughts" unless she has two brains.

Worry knawed my insides, making it feel like ash.

This should be gnawed.

It seemed to open the floodgates, because I never remembered myself crying as hard before or after.

I would seriously consider revising this sentence too, if you keep it. Because in the middle of the sentence like that makes it seem like it's causal. "I never remember crying so hard" is based purely on the fact that it "SEEMED" to "open floodgates" when in reality it should be something along the lines of "I never cried as hard before or after. It seemed to open floodgates." This ordering also helps with allowing you to add on information about her crying such as adding words, or showing us how it looked.

enquiring
This one is right near the end, second to last sentence. It should be inquiring.

Anyways, I hope this helped <3






Thanks aley! I've not been very good at writing things out recently, or at any time for that matter! It seems like m writin has just slipped from my grasp already. :)
I will edit these after doing the exchange reviews!
Thanks a lot!
Thanks a lot!




"He looks like a turtle who's been through the Vietnam war."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi