z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

The Siege, Chapter two: Failure (part 1/3)

by Alchemist


Word count for the whole chapter: 6.511

Alice

It was Daston who ran in first, with Alice following him by step. Fade and Dan were next, after whom Hashi finally let the door seal away. It was unbelievable how much strength was needed to hold that door. Just what was Hashi exactly?

First they found themselves in a giant square room where there was a pipe one the opposite direction, and on the ceiling. Its walls were still covered with green slime, and the floor itself was sticky and hard to walk on. The pipe was large enough for them to walk inside. They hurried following the same formation. She have already unwrapped her sniper, leaving once white bag behind.

It’s my part now.It was scary how synergized they were, not saying a single word. They finally reached the pipe’s end. The danger sirens were getting louder and louder.

At the end Shael was waiting, holding the door even larger than the one Hashi struggled to keep open.

“After you, my dear”, he briefly bowed to her. Daston moved aside to let her pass.

She jumped over two dead men, and found herself in a hallway. It was already the time of their departure. The hallway was splitting in two directions.

She rolled down facing the right passage, her sniper ready.I can see them, far away.Heat sensors were doing their job. Boom. The bullet flew through the hall. Like a grass before the scythe, soldiers in the distance fell. These bullets, and this gun especially was something unique. It had few kilometers of range and so much power that the bullets wouldn’t lose their path even in the strongest of winds. And these bullets were penetration rounds, able to pierce the tank. Shael made it just for her. God knows how many men fell to her first bullet. But more blasts followed. Every single one of them had to fall.

She didn’t even blink. It was her purpose. She could almost feel Shael’s satisfaction from behind.

The two men jumped over her back. Hashi and Fade took the other road, even before she was finished. She kept raining bullets through the hall.Whatever their task is now, I hope they do well.Even in the absolute darkness, her heat sensors wouldn’t miss a man. She turned back and thumbed up to Shael. He calmly walked past her and moved into the darkness and towards the alarms.

They could hear the echoes of the human cries from the side Hashi and Fade went to. They were terrible, otherworldly noises, and they almost overpowered the alarm yells.

She took off her white clothes while walking, and everyone else had a plenty of time to do it while she was shooting. She have had to be careful, the waste was so toxic that one touch would make her skin swell. She had to clean the gun nicely too, but she also had an extra pair of gloves for cautiousness.

Shael took over the lead now, followed by Daston, Dan, and her at the end.

The smell of blood reached her. Almost sticky, disgusting smell she had never encountered before. It's not that she never saw blood, but she had neversmelledit. It felt as if it was touching her, reaching from her nose to under her skin. Soon they would encounter bodies. She will now, for the first time, see the results of what she was trained for. It was so easy to shoot the red mess moving towards her. Seeing the bodies will be a whole different story.

But it wasn’t. They walked by the first slain soldier, and soon his comrades who fell shortly after, and most probably by the same bullet. She recognized one of the heat signatures, the guy who thought lying on the ground would save him. He had a hole through the helmet and whole of his body, with the exit somewhere behind.

The smell became too strong. They soon reached a pile of men, the big chunks of heat she shot through. In reality, there were more than fifty bodies completely blocking the passage.

Shael didn’t hesitate for a moment; he stepped on and walked over them. Daston was the same, walking over almost satisfied, which was terrifying. Dan stopped for a second, but followed, and then it was her.

Cold sweat washed over her while approaching, but she didn’t hesitate. Her boots were cruel. She was cruelty itself. That hesitation Dan held might cost them their lives, and she was determined not to be like him.

Damn that man!But she was to stay with him for quite some time. She will watch him carefully.

* * *

Hashi

Revenge felt so good. He should have known better of it.

That damned Fade. He had to protect him for a quite some time, and then they were to depart. There was still a lot for him to do.

He almost reached to sheet the sword again.I haven’t been in a battle for a long time,he was thinking while taking the running stance again. It’s not that he couldn’t have it unsheathed fast, but to reflect a bullet he had not a slightest moment to waste.

The sword vibrated nicely while cutting flesh. It was almost as it liked it. After all, that’s what it was made for in the first place. Fade also watched every cut carefully. It seemed like he enjoyed these vibrations. Strange man, but he was crucial for the plan. Hashi often wondered why, but he needed an escort in the first stage of the plan. Until we all reach our checkpoints, that is.

The passage was long and dark, but there was enough light for them to walk. They already ran through few platoons with ease, leaving only the masses of meat behind. He shut his eyes for a second only to calm himself. He couldn’t let himself to enjoy the revenge. He was not here to revenge his fallen brethren, he was here because something great was going on. Revenge, it was ashamefor a man of a sword to reach for it. That’s what his comrades would have told him if they were still alive.

For each of my fallen brothers, I will kill hundreds of men.He cursed himself for thinking this, but this thought came on its own. And it was how he really felt, deep inside, and it was making his hearth cold.

Fade crackled fingers on his right side. The sword flashed into the wall and a blast of dust was left behind them. They kept running, almost tirelessly. He signaled few more times, and the sword followed by cutting the installations inside the walls.That will greatly severe their communication. Somehow, Fade knew where the main electricity paths were, which made them able to do this.

The red dots covered his body. Like dozens of eyes glancing from the darkness, the enemy has shown himself. It seemed as his sword disappeared, but the numerousclangshad told different story. The bullets ricocheted around, but none hit him or Fade. They can aim for him, but that doesn’t mean they can shoot him.

The cries were heard once again when they ran through the fountains of blood, not slowing their pace.

Satisfied, he cut of a head from the soldier last in line.This is becoming too easy. Same trick for the fourth time?Lost in thoughts, he almost disregarded flashing red dot from behind. Fade crackled with both hands signaling danger, but Hashi’s dagger was already in the air.

It destroyed the device, but the explosion still followed.Damn! How could I let this happen?

The hot air announced the arrival of explosion. He quickly jumped in front of Fade and threw him behind with all of his might.

They would send a whole unit to a suicide mission only to stop us. Poor soldiers must have never known it.Before the yellow flames even reached, he swung the blade. Fire passed around them, but the explosion also carried body parts of many deceased soldiers. The fire disappeared in the matter of seconds.Cutting flames, I’m glad the master taught me.Fortunately, there was nothing in the tunnel that could burn, although there wasn’t much of an air left. He turned to his previous route and started running. He saw Fade’s annoyed glance because he didn’t notice the device in time. On top of that, he already had to use one of his daggers; it was such a waste.

He almost smashed into a door blocking the way. Thick, steel door they were. Fade seemed intrigued; he seemed to be wandering how will Hashi open the door, though it didn’t seem like he doubted his success.All right, its time for another trick.Hashi sat on the floor, crossing his legs. He held the sword before his face, and closed his eyes.Soothing sounds of the rain.He almost felt raindrops bouncing off his body.Blinding sun, raging snow… and the swirling leaves…yes, it’s all so comforting.Fade stood behind him, not moving a single muscle, looking more like a boulder than a man. He didn’t seem impatient the least.

Like a thunder, his arms sprang and the blade cut through the door. Silently, he pulled the sword out, and stood up.Time to move on.He kicked the door and they opened without resistance any resistance.

He couldn’t imagine what awaited them further on. The mighty Fort Mountain was his enemy. And he couldn’t fail.

The people of the nation were blinded by the lies. They all dreamed of working for The State inside the Fort. Why, he couldn’t even guess. Those who get to work inside are to stay inside until they die. They leave their families and lives behind. And it was no strange thing to the people of the nation.

It was about time when they will throw something serious on them. Four platoons and a bomb; they underestimated him. Locked door? There must be something serious this fort has to offer.

Pale light in the tunnels disappeared somewhere in front of them. They were reaching something; they slowed down and started walking. He turned back to Fade; man who was usually emotionless now seemed like he is worried. That, above all, made him feel unease.

He lowered his hands next to his body and calmly walked into the large room. It was all empty; his guess was that this room was the last stage of outer defenses. But they were wise not to put more soldiers at the entrance, since they would also meet the certain death. His thoughts were interrupted by Fade’s finger. He was pointing into the darkness. Yes, he could hear it now. Something was breathing heavily.

Alarms went on once again, and the roar surrounded them.

What the hell is it?

As his eyes were getting used to this new kind of darkness, he could slowly see the contours of a giant figure. More than three meters tall something awaited them.

Fade stepped aside. He was to do nothing until their departure. It was solely on Hashi to deal with this thing, and who knew what else.Shael warned us about the experiments they were doing inside here, but what on earth could create something like this?

Footstep echoed and the chains clanked. The creature was chained to both of his arms and legs, his torsoandhis neck.It has more movement than the poor old man had, it seems.

He could hear the shackles finally falling to the ground. Creature was released, and it was very angry. Screaming, almost like a human, it charged forward.

Hashi closed his eyes. This room they were in was shrouded in complete darkness, and even his great sight wouldn’t help him now. He had to rely only on the noises the beast was making, and it was making a lot of them.Finally, it will be easier not to see what I’m fighting, that is, until it is dead.

Just before his eyes were shut he could see Fade holding that package of his in arms, almost like the mothers held their newborn children. Fade doesn’t trust him, and he was showing him openly. Maybe Shael warned him too.I will only need a little bit of luck.

Creature was fast, but he was faster. And his sword was the one who was the fastest, as it pierced through the creature's torso when Hashi moved off its way. Hot blood spattered him across the face.

It cried, and it was hard to listen. These noises, no animal made anything alike them. They were too human.

Before his swing ended, Hashi’s blade rotated backwards in his fingers, following the trail of the beast only to stab the target once again. He calmly made two steps forward and turned around to face it.

“Help me!” creature cried. Or that’s what the sound it made sounded like.Damn it, I’m hearing things!He struggled to keep his eyes closes.It’s the enemy. I will see it when it’s dead.

“It hurts!” it yelled. “Home! Home, home, home, home, home!” creature cried repeatedly. Hashi could do nothing but shiver, and Fade remained silent.

Loud, man’s voice appeared from above:”You can go home, Eric. After you kill these two, that is.”

Silence. Hashi stepped back a little. No time to be surprised. It started breathing heavily once again.

“Kill”, it whispered. Something was happening. He could feel Eric’s eyes glancing in the darkness with the new resolve it had.

Hashi could hold his eyes shut no more. He looked, and as soon as his eyes got used to it, he was no shocked. That thing was…human; just as he suspected. It was swollen, muscular creature, his skin torn apart where the muscles had overgrown it. Yet his face was completely human…and it looked sad. It once was a young man, now nothing but a monster they made. And now, they are using him like a tool to kill him.

“You will go home…” voice said once again from above, but piece of metal flew from Hashi’s hands and the device was cracked. They had these in towns all over The State, the broadcasting devices.

Creature reacted strangely to the voice.

“Must kill you”, it whispered. It sounded as it was weeping. “Then, home.”

I will end your suffering.

Eric, or whatever was left of a man once known as Eric rushed towards Hashi. Surprised, he barely dodged this attack.How is he moving so fast? I gave him two near-fatal wounds!But while the red skin flashed before his eyes he noticed that its wounds were nearly gone.That regeneration is unbelievable! They were just buying some time with the cheap talks! Nevertheless, I will finish this now. We can’t waste any more time here.

But it was easier said than done. It somehow seemed more intelligent, maybe even faster. It started circling, watching Hashi.

Now!He pulled, when the creature started running full speed. He was nearly thrown away by the force when Eric struck the steel string. Hashi ran with all of his might in a crescent shape.

Eric's head bounced off its body.

The dagger he had thrown towards the broadcasting device earlier was attached to a string, but back then he only did that so that he could retrieve his precious blade. It seemed like the blade was stuck deep enough for him to try this. Holding the other end, the string cut off the poor creature’s head.

The beheaded body, spraying blood, collapsed to the ground. The face of a boy named Eric was somewhere in the depths of darkness, on the other side of the room.

Fade clapped, and stood up; for a moment Hashi thought he would lose his grip and cut one more head off. How dared he disgracing my enemy like that! After he returned his dagger, he calmly sang a prayer for Eric. Respecting his enemies, that was what his Master had taught him, too.

“Don’t slow me down”, Hashi angrily spited out. The way was leading to where the creature stood at first.Send me more soldiers, god damn it! I will kill you all!Image of his teacher and friends flashed through the memory, as he ran into the tunnel once again.

Forgive me, master, I know you would have never wanted this. This is the one last thing you failed to teach me. I will avenge you.

Getting lost in thoughts in these endless black tunnels was more than easy. He nearly screamed when something grabbed him from behind; he flew back and collapsed with the ground. Fade stood silent, one arm holding his collar and other pointing forward. Hashi, confused, reached towards the darkness.

Paper.

He couldn’t decide if this was the most foolish, or genius trap he had ever heard of. Thin, black paper slightly folded before his fingers. If Fade wasn’t there, who knows what would have he ran into.

Now, he could even feel the cold breeze from behind the paper. But what awaited them?


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Sun Nov 30, 2014 7:29 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Alchemist!

Happy review day!

Although I have been very lately I have not forgotten my promise to review these chapters at all! I won't be nitpicking this chapter at all seeing as you have enough reviews which already focus on it. I will say that you do have a serous problem when it comes to tenses and need help there. Hopefully that will be something you can enjoy working to improve.

Now for the novel itself. We're getting to see a bit more about the siege. You do a good job of showing the action side of things, but I feel like that is the majority of what we get. We hear all about this fighting and we know that there are people dying at their hands left and right and center. But aside from the trap that Fade saved Hashi from, and apart from Alice being unsure about stepping over all those bodies, they don't really have a challenge that poses as a threat to them. I guess Eric is supposed to be one but Hashi cuts through him with ease. The battle is becoming too easy for them because they aren't reaching any true opposition or reason to worry. And that is boring for the reader. So my suggestion would be to make their victories harder for them in different was so even the action has us at the edges of our seat and wondering who will survive what.

At the beginning you say the door is heavy and that Hashi's strength is incredible for having to hold it. But instead of telling us all these indirect things to do with the door, if you simply described what the door itself looked like to us we might get a better idea of what you're talking to. Same goes for the second door that someone else holds open for Alice as well. You can tell us how something affects the things around it, or you can show us what the thing is ourselves. Nothing beats the reader getting their own view. ;)

The danger sirens were getting louder and louder.


When these sirens are mentioned, are you referring to internal ones or the real actually loudspeaker ones? Make sure you explain which ones you mean because both would pretty much be appropriate in this situation. If it is the latter and everyone is able to hear them, prior to this sentence you need to mention that there are sirens going off somewhere. That means that when the reader eventually gets to this sentence they can hear them getting louder. The fact is that if they have never been heard before this than it would be impossible for the reader to know they were louder than before.

Finally, it will be easier not to see what I’m fighting, that is, until it is dead.


I found this to be untrue. There is no case I can possibly think of where it would be helpful to not know what they were fighting. Yes, sometimes it might be better when it comes to mental stability because you cannot be afraid of the sight of the creature. But sight is a sense which is incredibly useful when it comes to battles because you need to know where your target is and what he will be doing from the movement in his body. So I found that quote to be pretty ridiculous! Any fighter would wish to be fighting in the light than in the darkness just because then they are more likely to win.

It was also strange to see Fade and Hashi fighting alongside each other... and never talking I mean, they might be trying to stay quiet because they want to be discrete and not attract any attention, but they could at least whisper to each other. It would make the story a whole lot more interesting and I feel like we'd get to know both of their characters a lot better if there was some more dialogue going on in there as well. On top of that, there are points where I think it would've been natural for them to speak to each other, but you kind of suppressed it from it from happening just because it was easier to write the novel that way. But don't do that! Let them speak!

I am going to keep reading the future chapters. :)

Image

Deanie x




Alchemist says...


Hey! Thanks for reviewing! I'm quite deep into this thing, though I'm writing it in my 1st language so there really is no need to nitpick at all. :)

I think everything that you noted here was intended quite strongly, and I hope that doesn't turn reader back before they understand what's happening. Well since you wont have a whole book before you, I'm gonna feel free to spoil things. :P

Why is it so easy? It's quite simple, The State, and this Fortress have no enemies, and have never been attacked for the past 500-600 hundred years. Other than that, it is not possible to assault Fortress from this side at all, but it was made possible because of Shael's special ability. So considering everything, I think their response was actually great.

I might have overlooked the sirens here, but it think it's fine in translated version. I'm trying to play with the sounds actually, there are many places where it just disappears and where there should be things tobe heard but it's just silence. There is a reason for that too. :D

Well, Hashi is a strange fighter, and more than human in many ways. He really has no trouble fighting with his eyes shut and he is confident he can win anyone, as long as he is concerned.

And them not speaking is absolutely no due to my laziness, there are actually two reasons: one is, they have a really detailed plan, so they dont need to speak at all, and the other is... well Fade can't speak at all. xD Fade isn't even human, but that is to be discovered at the end of the book. xD

So you made me a bit worried. Are these things turn-off? They are all intended, and if it discourages people to read thinking they are plot-holes or laziness, then my novel is in a problem :D



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Sun May 25, 2014 6:44 pm
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Zontafer wrote a review...



Zontafer here to review your piece!

Nitpicks

...and Alice was right behind him.

Not really a nitpick, but I'd suggest replacing 'and' with 'with', as you used ', and' in the sentence right after.

God knows how many man fell to her first bullet.

'Man' should be 'men', since it's plural.

It was so easy to shoot the darkness.


'To shoot the darkness' means you are shooting the darkness itself. I think you meant to write 'to shoot in the darkness.

For each of my fallen brothers, I will kill hundreds of man.

Men again. Btw, I liked this sentence. You can tell that he is a guy who wouldn't miss a single chance to avenge his close ones.

Thick, steel door they were.

Are you trying to say the door was made of thick steel? You would need to rewrite your sentence. Suggestion: The door(s?) were(was if we are talking about one door) made of thick steel.

Like a thunder, muscles sprang...

Should be 'Like thunder, his muscles sprang...'.

People of the nation were blinded...people of the nation.

Not a nitpick, but I just wanted to tell you that I liked how you took a small break from the action itself in this paragraph, and gave us some information.

It was about time when they will throw something serious on them.

Should be: 'It was about time they would throw something serious on them.'

man who was usually emotionless...

Should be 'a man'.

Creature was free, and it was angry.

Should be 'The creature'. You should look through your writing and see if you have placed 'the' 'a' or 'an' in front of the nouns.

Content

You told she could smell the blood, but to be honest, I've never really smelled blood. I know there is a smell, but perhaps you could try to describe this?

Metaphors and similies are great linguistic devices to use when writing. It makes the reader wanting to read more, also an insight on how it smells like, looks like, tastes like, sounds like or feels like. Just remember to not use them too often, or depend on them.

the fountains of blood, not slowing their pace.

I saw you used one here, great job. ^^

If you're not too sure about the difference between a metaphor and a simile, a metaphor is a direct comparison, while a simile is comparisons often containing the word 'as' or 'like'.

Some bad examples:
A metaphor:
Her ice blue eyes kept staring at him.


A simile:
Her eyes were cold as ice.


Your sentence structure is great, but sometimes falls off a little bit. I liked the beginning of your chapter, then the quality felt down a little bit, before rising again at the end.

Sometimes, I notice some of your verbs are in present tense, when you seem to be writing in past tense. English isn't your first language, so that is understandable. I'd suggest you to read carefully through your chapter, and check for wrong tenses.

My favorite part of the chapter, was definitely the end. It got pretty exciting when we got to know about this creature/Eric, or what I should call him. I'm getting more and more curious of what the people down there are actually doing, and their experiments.

I'm also curious about what they were planning to do with the creature, and what consequences it would have made.

I hope this helped some, and remember to always keep on writing! ^^

- Zontafer




Alchemist says...


Hey, thanks for reading!

Some great nitpicks you gave me, i will edit them all as soon as i have some spare time. You noticed i never gave you any nitpick, that is becousr my english knowledge isn't really good enough.

I will also try to keep the quality up, but i guess i will need some time to be completely sure about what i want to do. Thanks for pointing that out.

This was really helpful, im glad you liked it. :D



Zontafer says...


You're welcome! ^^
Everyone(mostly haha) improve as they write, and I can already see you are! :D

- Zontafer



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Sun May 25, 2014 5:17 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

Jared seems to have taken care of all the grammar stuff and whatnot so I'm going to stay away from that. Not that I usually bring that up in my reviews. I tend to stick to the actual story and plot and characters in case you haven't noticed.

So my main concern about this chapter is that you switch point of views on us and you didn't even warn us. The asterisks you use (these things: ***) do enough to let me know that time has passed. But then all of the sudden you switch to another point of view and I was a bit confused. A lot of authors switch between different character's point o views. But when they do, they keep the entire novel in either third person or first person. You've mixed both into one chapter even though you've been writing in first person the whole chapter before this. And then in the prologue you wrote in third person. I suggest that when you go back and edit, switch to third person for the entire story. It'll be a lot of work, but it'll work out in the long run.

Another thing about point of views is that they usually aren't changed halfway through a chapter. It's usually every other chapter or something like that in which the point of view is changed. It gets a bit confusing when you switch during the middle of a chapter. I'd suggest starting out the beginning of the chapter with a name at the top, such as Alice. It doesn't have to be italicized, but it should at least be there. That way your readers will understand who is talking. That's why I got a bit lost in the second half of this post. I didn't realize that it was now Hashi talking. I knew that it was one of the men, but it took me a while to figure out who it was. Make sure to clear that up in future chapters.

You have a knack for writing action. I really enjoyed reading this chapter and I could imagine everything as I was reading. You also did a good job making everything so intense. I definitely felt like I was there with them, in some dark hallway, trying to make my way through. Good job making that realistic.

So as always, let me know when the next chapter is out!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Alchemist says...


Hello, thanks for reaching the end! :)

Now i see that it's not clear enough who is talking in the other half of the chapter(at first), so thanks for that, and i also like your suggestion. And, i guess i got lost somewhere in between and switched to third person, so yeah that will need some work.

Hm, Im not sure if I want my whole story to be in third person only, but I surely have to decide. Prologue can be considered as an exception becouse well, its prologue.

The last thing, im happy to see the reviews about the plot and story, since it is the center of my concerns so far! So im really glad that it seems fine so far.

Thanks, will let you know! :)



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Sun May 25, 2014 3:44 pm
Pinkiegirl13 wrote a review...



Hi, Alchemist! This is Pinkiegirl13! I like to do a review for May Review Day!

Well, I see that JaredTrombley did the grammar errors on this story. Maybe I do something else: the story(which it is my favorite part!).

I love this story! Like JardTrombley says, you did made this story very interesting for us reader to read. It made me want more from you(not THAT way!) I love how you bring the details in the story. For example, you describe what the things that the protagonist encountered like JardTrombley says. I like to read more from you. I enjoyed this story very much!

Cheers

Your reviewer, Pinkie

P.S.: Happy May Review Day!




Alchemist says...


Thank you very much for reading it. :)

While i know i have alot of grammar isues that i need to fix, im more concerned about how will people react to the story, so im glad you liked it! :)

Annnd... You had me there hoping for a second, but then, bam! xD Did i mistake YWS for a dating site? Yeah...im not very good at jokes, i know. :D

Anyway, once again, thanks for reading, and i wish you happy review day too! :)



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Sun May 25, 2014 3:25 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Yo! Let's see if I can claim this one for a review, eh?

Now then, like Jared said, you did have some trouble with grammar. I think a lot of these could be fixed simply by putting them in a word processor that has grammar functions, such as Microsoft Word, or maybe an online processor. However, the biggest problem I saw--that Jared didn't mention--was the constant switching between past and present tense. I noticed that when you delve into how things simply are in that world, you switched to present tense. In some cases, that's fine, but usually you'll want to stick with one tense for the entire piece.

Another complaint is the lack of transitions. Try using 'then', or using dependent clauses to start a sentence. (If you'd like an example of a dependent clause, just ask!)

And last thing before I do compliments: You may want to try starting more of your sentences with something other than the subject. Many of theses sentences start with 'He' or 'they', and it gets a little repetitive. I understand that English isn't your first language though, so you may not have much experience with those sorts of sentences.

Now for the lovely things! I love your use of simile throughout the piece--fabulous! Also, kudos to you for the excellent use of a semicolon near the end. Since I haven't read the rest of the novel, I can't say much for the characterization and plot, but I can tell this one will be a wild ride. Action is so much fun to write, isn't it?

Anyways, that's it from me! Hope you're having a wonderful review day.




Alchemist says...


Thank you very much!

I think i won't edit grammar things just now, since id rather write more, but it will help me for the further chapters, and surely when i return to finally rework this one. I know i have some tenses problem, i think im just going to take an eglish course to finally fix that up. :)

Compliments are really nice, i will stick to what is good and surely fix what im doing wrong.



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Sun May 25, 2014 2:02 pm
Jared wrote a review...



Alright, here I go with another review.

Nitpicks

It was unbelievable how much strength was needed to hold these door.

Since you're referring to one door, it should be 'the door'.

First [,] they found themselves in a giant square room [where there was a pipe one the opposite direction, and on the ceiling].

Add the comma, and I'm not sure what you're saying in the last bracket.

They hurried [,] following the same formation.

Comma.

At the end, Shael was waiting, holding the door even larger than the one Hashi struggled to keep open.

Add comma.

She jumped over two dead man

That should be men, because it's plural.

Praise and greater analysis
You did several things well. First, you created an interesting environment for readers who hadn't even read the first chapters. Secondly, you did well with describing the different things the protagonist encountered.

You delivered a chilling and suspenseful chapter. But, you also had multiple noticeable grammar errors. I think with editing this could be much better.




Alchemist says...


Thank you very much. Since english isn't my first language, i have some trouble with grammar, so this will be very helpful. :)




The wince that you wince when you see your quote in the quote generator is quite a wince, I tell ya. To know that the whole YWS community has read and judged your quote is quite an awkward feeling like oh noes. *manly blush*
— Arcticus