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Paradisiac doom

by paula08


A vision of destruction,

With tiles of black and white

Mirrored in all surroundings

Through a blurry set of time.

-

Disrupted by sudden movements,

Of statues with a plastered frown

Who crave all the attention,

Yet cannot stand alone.


-

Like a struck of lightning tremble

Creates fears of the unforeseen.

Just a little flick of colour,

Makes the vision seem unreal.


-

For the scattered little statues

Have not seen but black and white

Just a flick taint in this time doom

Turns the frowning stone to dread.


-

But ghosts within the darkness,

look out past all the obscured.

Slipping briskly from all strangers,

And seeing the greatness that lies beneath.


-

An attempt to be a paradise

By mirroring no change

But the ghosts who outflow buckles

Are exposed to light and bright.

-

What was it that they called it?

Wasn’t it safety that they said?

What a paradisiac doom!


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Points: 300
Reviews: 0

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Thu Sep 11, 2014 7:39 pm
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scicc007 says...



Dark verses, wonderful poem.




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55 Reviews


Points: 290
Reviews: 55

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Tue May 13, 2014 11:01 pm
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Cirute wrote a review...



Hi, Cirute here to review!

Wow. This was really, really, really awesome. As a doom metal fan, I enjoyed the darkness of this poem. It really reminded me of a Electric Wizard or Sleep song, which earns it my approval! This is by far my favorite line:

"What was it that they called it?

Wasn’t it safety that they said?

What a paradisiac doom!"

I just really like how that kind of wraps the whole thing up, it's really quite unique. Other than that, the language you used and the style of this poem also really set it apart. I found no spelling or grammatical errors, so nothing to correct on that front.

In conclusion, this was a wonderful poem! Sorry for the short review, but there is really nothing to criticize!

~Cirute




paula08 says...


Thank you for your 'short' review. I'm really glad that you wrote it :) I'm also pleased you enjoyed this poem.



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120 Reviews


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Tue May 13, 2014 9:09 pm
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ladcat13 wrote a review...



BOOM! *appears in a puff of smoke*
Laddy here to review...

Wow. I love it. I just... love it. I can't say what it is or why, but it strikes such a deep chord in me that I just want to read it again and again. There's so much description of things obscure and unknown, arcane to us humble humans. It's melancholy and questioning while at the same time beautiful. All I can say is, again, wow. (I really need another adjective... howsabout astounding? Fantastic? Stupendous? Holymcjeezles? Ooh, I like that one. I think I'll use that one next time.)

However, (you knew this was coming) I hate to write a review that's all praise because that's useless to the author. So I'll just point out that there's a few places where you have punctuation (commas, periods, etc.) missing or misplaced. They're such tiny mistakes I don't have the time to go back and find them all, and give you alternative suggestions. But it'll improve the flow of your poem a lot to fix them. If you read it aloud you'll probably find what I'm talking about, and your writer's instincts will help you correct it. Punctuation and flow is often a problem with poetry, especially un-rhymed verse. You've generally done a great job with it, better than many of my own, but there's always room for improvement. It could also be a stylistic choice, and since poetry is interpretive I respect the right of the writer to make choices as such.

Most of this review is just suggestions and praise, because that's really all I can give to a poem that's already so near to perfect! So keep writing, and hopefully you can Holymcjeezles me again!

-Laddy




paula08 says...


Thank you for your review. I'm truly glad that you liked it. Thanks for pointing out the punctuation problem. I'll make sure to improve on that :)




If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.
— Neil Gaiman