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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence

Meeting him/her

by Bluesact


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Chapter 1

Colin Whitford

It was the first day of my junior year and the sun shone brightly as I walked to the bus stop. I spotted my best friend, Bryce with his girlfriend, Sophie waiting for me. I carefully walked towards them.

Colin, over here,” I heard Bryce shouted

I’ll be there in a sec,” I replied

I finally reached them and greeted them politely.

Bryce is just standing there. His hands are interlocked with Sophie’s hands. He’s using his usual black jumper and his blonde hair was a mess. Sophie on the other hand is always neat. Her dirty blonde hair is always combed. Well, I guess, opposites attract, like magnets.

By the way, Bryce is my best friend. We’ve been friends for so long that I didn’t even count how many years. He was always the one who succeeded in everything and I have always been the one who tried to make it seem as if I was as smart and as perfect as he is.

Sophie, the girl beside him, is his girlfriend. They have been dating for about 2 years now. I don’t think I can describe her in any way, she’s just different from the rest.

So, any plans for today? You two?” I asked teasingly

No, not today. We are going to have a boys night out today, at the usual place, with the rest of the group right?” he asked

Definitely,”

The bus finally arrived and we hopped in.

By the way, my name is Colin and I am the school’s basketball co-captain. I have an older sister who’s name is Beth and I hate my ex-girlfriend, Catharine, who apparently cheated on me with that bastard, Mark. As you know it, Mark is my nemesis. He’s the school’s basketball team’s captain. He’s an obnoxious, selfish, back- stabbing, bastard.

I think that’s it for now…

While in the way to school, I caught Bryce and Sophie flirting with each other. They were kissing and it was as if they were eating each other’s mouths. It made want to puke so; I turned my head the other way around to see the road that’s just outside the window.

~~~

It was really bright today. The sun’s shining brightly and it looks like that today isn’t going to be raining. I brought my raincoat just in case it rains though. I’m a person who’s always prepared for everything maybe because I have OCD.

OCD stands for, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it’s a disorder in which I do things that are weird if I’m nervous and anxious. For me, I usually suck my thumb when I get nervous. It’s just something that I do.

As soon as the bus stops, I walked out of the bus and into school.

School was crowded. And when I say crowded, I really did mean it like the crowdedness in a market. A lot of People greeted me as I walked in. I went through a lot of people and finally, I reach my locker. My locker was number 510. It was blue in color and just the size of a regular locker. I opened the lock and opened the locker door. I scanned through my books and finally found the right book for my first class.

The first class is English. One of the most boring class ever. Not only the lesson is boring but the teacher back in sophomore year made it worse. He was blabbering about all these stuff we should write and summarize. I think he was basically talking nonsense.

Getting back to where I was.

I saw Bryce talking to Stacy. I tried to run away as soon as I saw Stacy. I hate that girl. She’s also in the cheerleading squad. She’s such a bitch.

All she wants is the attention from people and she doesn’t even care about people who care about her. I did care for her but that was before she did what she had done to me. She broke my heart into a million pieces. She basically ruined me. I was frustrated but then, I moved on. I promised myself not to fall for girls like her. Those bitches that those girls are. I vowed myself to not date girls like them. They’re just a not worth breaking your heart for. I want to fall for girls who are worth it.

I know I’m rambling so, just read along.

We were in class. The teacher was talking something about Romeo and Juliet but I ignored him. My mind was somewhere else. I was daydreaming about something but I’m not sure what it is. Then, I heard the bell ring and class is finally over, we all went out of class.

It was then that I noticed that Mark’s gang was picking on a girl. She has golden brown hair and she was wearing a chambray shirt, a pair of skinny jeans and black converse sneakers. I couldn’t see clearly what they were doing to her but I sighed and rushed to them. It was things like these that makes me hate Mark more. He always bullies all the nerd and geeks and also the new kids. Somehow, there should be someone who stops his bullying.

Mark, stop picking her, why don’t you stop being an asshole and fight someone your own size,” I said

Oh, look at that, the Baker boy is here, as always, to save the day and get more people on his side to over rule me. What a shame, Baker!” he chuckled, “Now you’ve got to pay the price.”

He used all his strength to push me down and I ended up hitting my head on the locker doors. My vision is getting blurry but I managed to stand up and I saw Mark and his friends walking down the hallway bullying more students.

I squatted and helped that girl pick up her books. She was also squatting and doing the same.

When we finally stood up, she looked down at her feet. I was doing the same. Then, we looked up altogether and our eyes locked. Her eyes were the mixture of grey and green. She’s got one of the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. My mind was lost in the deepness of her eyes. It was as if I’m in a trance or something. I felt myself heat up and at that exact moment, I knew I was turning red. I felt her blushing really hard too.

Are you okay?” I asked stuttering

I’m fine,” She said

By the way, my name’s,” I said.

What’s my name? How could I suddenly forget my name?

I’m Colin,” I finally said but my voice was almost like I’ve lost my breath.

I was going to hit my own head. How could I forget my name? I’m such an idiot.

I’m Emily,” She said still looking at her shoes.

Emily, nice name. It was only a thought. Not that I like her or anything.

What if I do? Can you just fucking shut up, Colin? Stop blushing. I can’t stop blushing. What am I gonna do?

Thank you,” She said, “Sorry, I almost forgot to thank you,”

That’s okay,”

From that distance, I could smell her nice smell and it smelt of something nice that couldn’t be described. Then it clicked, she smelt like vanilla.

Well, see you later,” she said as she walked away. She left her smell still fresh there, beside me.

What is this strange feeling? Everything that this girl does makes my heart pound even faster. I need to see those amazing eyes once more. I don’t care, I just have to. I have to see Emily again or I’ll kill myself. Can you just shut up, Colin? Why am I talking to myself? This is really creepy. I think I’ll just walk along.

That girl left me thinking. She left me with my heart pounding. I’ll meet this girl again. I’m sure of it and either


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Fri May 16, 2014 7:32 pm
artybirdy wrote a review...



You have the tendency to tell the story, rather than showing it. For example, the main character's position in basketball team, his sister's name, his girlfriend and his rival; it's irreverent to the situation at hand. You should have waited until the scene called for it. Other than that, it's not needed. In addition, I didn't catch any glimpse of his personality in this chapter. Personally, I felt as if you introduced Emily too quickly. You could have waited until next chapter or so, and until then, you could have added elements of Colin's flaws to make him a more "rounded" character.
This is just my opinion. You're not, in any way, obligated to follow it.
I hope it has been of some help.
PM me if you have any queries.
Keep writing! xD




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Thu May 15, 2014 1:01 am
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Evander wrote a review...



Hi,

Raven here for a review.

Nitpicks.

“Colin, over here,” I heard Bryce shouted

No need for the 'ed'.

I replied

This has nothing wrong with it, except the fact you are missing a period at the end. As a matter of fact, that happens to you a lot, fix that.

A lot of People greeted me as I walked in.

Is there a reason you capitalized 'people'? Trying to emphasize 'people'? I am very confused.

“By the way, my name’s,” I said.

Stuff in italics: Apostrophe s show possession, change that to 'names' or ' name is'
Stuff in bold: I would replace the ending comma with an ellipsis. Because to me it feels like your MC is trailing off, trying to remember his own name.

And then - maybe this is just me -, but I feel like you should describe some more. We know the bus arrived, but, is the outer part of the bus clean or dirty?

Keep on typing,

Raven



Random avatar
Bluesact says...


Thanks for the review, Raven, I really appreciate you spending your time to read and review this. I will try to edit the story and describe more things as soon as i have time. Anyway, thanks again

-Bluesact



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Tue May 13, 2014 10:53 pm
Cirute wrote a review...



Hello, Blue, Cirute here to review your chapter.

So before I begin, I'd like to say that obviously something got messed up when you went to post this. The paragraphs, in places, are chopped in two seemingly without reason. Here's an example of where I saw it happen:

"Bryce is just standing there. His hands are interlocked with Sophie’s hands. He’s using his usual black jumper and his blonde

hair was a mess. Sophie on the other hand is always neat. Her dirty blonde hair is always combed. Well, I guess, opposites attract, like magnets."

This is easy to fix though, just go into the editor and you ought to be able to have the problem solved in no time. YWS does this kind of crap from time to time.

Now, into the review.

"It was the first day of my junior year and the sun shines brightly as I walked to the bus stop. I spotted my best friend, Bryce with his girlfriend, Sophie waiting for me. I carefully walked towards them."

Firstly, I think it ought to be "the sun shone brightly". Just sounds better, for the sentence is in the past tense. Secondly, I think there should be a comma after "Sophie". I saw this happen several times, so just be sure to go through and check your commas and your grammar.

"By the way, Bryce is my best friend. We’ve been friends for so long that I didn’t even count how many years. He was always the one who succeeded in everything. He seemed so perfect. I’m not going to lie and say that sometimes I do get jealous over him. He always did everything perfectly, without any mistake. It was as if he’s got super powers or something.

Sophie is his girlfriend. They have been dating for about 2 years now. She is in the cheerleading squad."

Okay, waaayyy too much information here. Often writers are told to "show, not tell". This is something that you need to do here. Again, I saw this happen in multiple places. Don't worry yourself too much over it, it will come to you in time. I've only been writing for six months and I've already conquered this problem for the most part, so you should have no trouble overcoming it.

That's really all the advice I can offer you for now. I hope this helps.

~Cirute

P.S. Sorry for the comment spamming. Like I said, YWS has issues from time to time. For some reason, it posted this review as a comment a bunch of times.



Random avatar
Bluesact says...


Hey :) Thanks for the review.. I really appreciate it. I will make corrections though, this is just the first edit. Thank you for your review



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55 Reviews


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Tue May 13, 2014 10:50 pm
Cirute says...



[Deleted]




User avatar
55 Reviews


Points: 290
Reviews: 55

Donate
Tue May 13, 2014 10:50 pm
Cirute says...



[Deleted]




User avatar
55 Reviews


Points: 290
Reviews: 55

Donate
Tue May 13, 2014 10:49 pm
Cirute says...



[deleted]





To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.
— Tony Dorsett