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Ordadus- Chapter Two

by Wolfical


AZLANA’S MAIN INHABITANTS were the faelk and their ashen-colored colts. Ten acres of fenced-in grass and willow trees made up much of the settlement and was where the colts explored and the adults grazed. A still lake was nestled in the corner of the enclosure. Some black adults proudly displayed ivory antlers but most had had theirs shaved off long before. Inside the corral, two riders were in pursuit of one quick and high-spirited faelk. She had tall, noble antlers and thin, agile legs. She used her experienced limbs to dart between other faelk and escape the riders’ lassos. Scott whistled when he saw her. “That is one fine creature,” he said.

The eye-patch man dismounted and looped his faelk’s reins around a fencepost. He glanced up at Scott’s face and saw an excited light in his eyes. “Scott, you were never fond of those does. What’s gotten into you?”

Scott didn’t reply. Instead, he ordered Andrew to dismount. “Moss!” he then called to the boy, “Watch the prisoner.”

The boy, Moss, loped forward. He swung out his bow and stationed himself next to Andrew.

“You’re going out?” the eye-patch man said.

“Yep,” Scott answered, “Open the gate, would ya?”

“You’ll need a fresh mount for that one,” the woman said quietly.

If Scott had heard the advice, he ignored it. He spurred his faelk into a gallop and dashed to the center of the corral where the proud female was tossing her head. She taunted the unsuccessful riders by veering just around their swinging lariats.

The woman turned from the fence. “C’mon, Moss. We need to take the prisoner to Captain Rawley.”

The boy faced the woman, a crestfallen expression on his innocent face. “The captain can wait a few extra minutes, Ma! I’d like to watch Scott catch the doe!”

Ma? Andrew, astounded, began to study the woman and boy closely.

“You’ve seen enough faelk roundups to last seven lifetimes!” she retorted as her voice rose for the first time. “Come. Now.”

Moss opened his mouth again, only to seal it once more under his mother’s resolute stare. He glanced down at Andrew and nodded grudgingly in the direction of the village. The woman turned her faelk and trotted down a dirt path that wound among clumps of trees and opened into a clearing where several narrow, gray cabins were erected. Andrew followed her, taking long strides in an attempt to keep up. Moss held the rear and remained at Andrew’s heels. Andrew noticed several of the tame white and black-spotted llargos slinking around the modest houses. An old woman had rewarded one of the wolf-like creatures with a clay bowl. The adult llargo was ravenously consuming its meager contents when Andrew walked by. A younger llargo gradually crept up to the adult, tempted by the delicious smells. The adult, its long snout still submerged in the bowl, paused to growl raucously. Its yellow eyes glowed with menace as the young llargo, flashing its long tail like a white flag, scampered back to its hiding place.

Captain Rawley was rooming in a cabin at the far end of the village. He was seated at a wooden desk when the threesome entered the door. Without lifting his head, he bluntly proposed, “What is it?”

The woman gingerly stepped forward, her head slightly bowed. “Captain Rawley,” she addressed him. He sat up at the sound of her voice and regarded her with interest. “Do you recognize this man?”

Moss gently probed Andrew’s spine with an arrow tip and Andrew stumbled forward. The captain turned his attention away from the woman and surveyed Andrew in the light of the window. Combing his fingers through his blonde hair, he replied, “No, I can’t say that I do. That doesn’t mean he isn’t part of my troop, though.” He looked at Andrew directly. “Why'd they bring you in, kid?”

“Sir, he doesn’t have a mark,” the woman said before Andrew could even think of an answer.

The captain cocked an eyebrow. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place?” He rose from the desk and approached Andrew. Then he lifted Andrew’s left arm, as Scott had done, and lowered it again. He turned to face the woman once more, his features hardened. “This man is dangerous,” he declared. “Have your boy bring him to my soldiers immediately.” He spun around on his heel and bent over his desk, scribbling out a note. Once he was done, he extended his arm and handed the message to Moss. “Bring this message to the Lieutenant,” he ordered.

Just then, a very tall man entered the room and hastily removed his navy blue cap. “Captain, I-”

“Lieutenant!” the captain exclaimed jovially. “You’ve arrived just in time.”

“Really, Captain, I must explain-”

“Look what we have here, Lieutenant: a young, normal-looking, blue-eyed Steel without a mark!” With that, the captain lifted Andrew’s arm again. Andrew, irritated, tugged his arm back. The captain was evidently displeased at this small act of defiance. “Get him tied up,” he said, his face firm. “We will ride to Medilva tomorrow.”

The lieutenant fastened one massive hand around Andrew’s wrists. He extracted a thin strip of leather from his trousers and proceeded to tie Andrew’s wrists behind his back. “And, um, Captain,” he uttered, pulling the leather knot tighter, “I doubt that you will be so eager to leave by tomorrow.”

“What do you mean?”

“This morning, our Slate was found dead in the faelk herd. We noticed the herd had started to scatter, so a few of us rode out to investigate. We found him lying on the outskirts of the herd.”

“Was he trampled?”

The Lieutenant shook his head. He bent down and slipped his hand into the side of his boot. When he stood back up, an arrow was grasped in his hand. “This was stuck in his back,” he said, solemnly.

The woman gasped and clutched Moss closer to her. Moss observed the arrow with wide eyes. The red and black feathers and the blood-stained arrowhead did not escape his minute examination.

The captain gently lifted the arrow and meticulously scanned the red markings along its shaft. When he was done he softly placed the arrow on his desk and stared at the floor for several minutes. When he finally lifted his head, his icy blue eyes were fixated on Andrew. “Who are you?” he growled. He stepped closer toward him. “Are you a spy for the Mobs?”

“No,” Andrew replied, truthfully. “I don’t know who the Mobs are.”

“I know that your appearance and the coming of the Mobs is no coincidence, kid. If you could only give me a straight answer, you will save you and me hours of trouble. Are you a member of any of the Mobs?”

Andrew shook his head. Without warning, the Captain balled his fist and punched him in the stomach, hard. Andrew doubled over, gasping, and crumpled to his knees. He felt helpless without his hands, now useless tied behind his back. “That was just for starters, kid,” the captain warned. He bent down and whispered in Andrew’s ear: “Tell me again; are you from the Mobs?” Andrew was fearful of answering. His chest heaved as he wordlessly watched Moss and his mother shuffle out of the cabin. “Tell me!” the captain hissed.

“No.”

Andrew felt the captain’s fist slam into his face. His left eye felt as though it was about to burst under the extreme force of the blow. He fell back on his side, slumped against the wall. His eyes were shut. He heard the Lieutenant warn, “Captain…”

He managed to lift his right eyelid. He saw the captain gripping a rifle’s barrel and slowly coming near him, his face crimson. He wouldn’t kill me, Andrew thought, seeing the gun. He didn’t realize that the captain was holding the weapon like a club. He closed his eyes.

The captain questioned him again. Andrew wouldn’t answer. He couldn’t answer.

There was yet another blast of pain. But Andrew didn’t feel the sting of the blow. Before his body could absorb the pain, he slipped into unconsciousness.


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1416 Reviews


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Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:43 am
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

So I've noticed it's quite important that Andrew isn't marked. I'm still wondering though, what mark is it they're looking for? It might be out of character for someone to explain, but I feel a bit left out. Maybe I'll get some more information in the later chapters.

Again, I would like to praise you on your details. It's hard to make a world come to life, especially one completely made up. But you're doing a great job with it. Each chapter I read, granted I'm only on the second chapter, but none the less, there is more I learn. In this chapter I learn about the order of people. There's a captain and a lieutenant at least, which means there must be other military ranks as well. I know that they're not truly part of the military, but they're at least using those titles. I also learn that there is something called the mob. And it's definitely something specific because it's the mob, not a mob. So this mob has been around a time before. And they're all unmarked as well I assume.

I find it quite interesting that the captain beats up Andrew. I mean, sure he's a stranger and he's unmarked, but is that really a way to treat a prisoner? Why not just throw him into jail and question him there? I just feel like it's a bit out of place for the captain to be doing that. Maybe a guard, but not the captain. Just my opinion.

Overall I enjoyed reading this chapter. There isn't much we know about these characters at this point, but I'm sure we'll learn more in later chapters. There was a lot more that I wanted to say, but I had to keep reminding myself that my comments could be null and void by the next chapter. I must learn to be patient and just read on. If I still have those comments after I read the last chapter you've posted I'll bombard you with them.

Alright, onto the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Wolfical says...


Thank you so much, Noelle!!! I'm afraid most of your questions won't be answered until Chapter Five, which I am working on right now. You'll see why. I love your reviews because I can see exactly what a reader is thinking, and that's very helpful! Thank you!!



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Mon May 12, 2014 1:14 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Wolfie, your Wolf friend here to review.
I can't tell you how amazing this is. I'm just in awe of how well written this chapter is. Not just this chapter, but the entire prologue and first chapter.
Your imagery is fantastic and every scene I can, for the most part, get a picture in my head. I am, however, very confused on why the Captain reacted the way he did. Sure he's might be scared of him, he might want answers, but to beat the crap out of Andrew, doesn't make sense, to me personally.
I get where you're going with this, and I love the way you are able to convey this new world you've created in your head. It just seems right. I like how we only know how much Andrew knows. No more, no less. It creates an air of mystery that makes me want to keep reading!
Did I already say how fantastic this is?
One more thing, sorry for the scatterbrained review (just writing what comes to mind), why did Andrew assume the Captain wouldn't kill him? He is, according to the Captain, extremely dangerous? Just something to think about for the next chapter. I can not WAIT to see more and you better continue this, or I will hunt you down...
~Wolfare




Wolfare1 says...


So sorry I couldn't do much criticism, hope I helped anyway!



Wolfical says...


Wow, Thanks, Wolfare1! I'm glad you enjoy my book so far. I will take your advice about Captain Rawley into account; he's a very reactive person but will try to do everything he can to protect the citizens. Certain Mobs aren't exactly a small matter, I assure you! You'll meet some of them later on. Andrew made the He wouldn't kill me remark in a different way than you read it... Somewhat like "He wouldn't kill me." He was only incredulous to the fact that he could possibly be killed right then and there. However, I will certainly edit it so that no other readers will question this.
Thanks again, Wolfare1! I appreciate your words! :D



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Tue May 06, 2014 5:08 pm
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AstralHunter wrote a review...



I must say, I am truly impressed. Never before have I read a work in this society that has so few errors. In fact, they are non-existent!

I could find nothing that demands correction, and to encounter this so early in the book is simply astonishing. I stand by my remark on your prologue: your work can definitely become a best-seller. I should actually be surprised if it doesn't, and if that is the case, I weep for what has become of the reading world. However, I sincerely doubt it.

I should like to raise a question about the llargos: What do they look like? I have read your descriptions of them and I have formed a decent visualisation of them, but why are they wolf-like? What, besides the obvious difference in colouring, seperates them from ordinary wolves and coyotes? Another matter concerning their appearance is the predominant colour. At the moment, I picture them as predominantly white with large, black dapples, making them appear similar to a piebald, except with the colours reversed. Is my visualisation correct or not, and if so, please elaborate.

The fact that things are now becoming dangerous for Andrew immediately makes the story more exciting. After finishing the chapter, the reader is left with so many questions. Why does everyone need a "mark"? Why does the Captain fear Andrew so much? Are these "Mobs" really as horrible as they are portrayed and who really killed Slate? The list goes on, and these unanswered questions leave the readers just as clueless as Andrew himself. This is, however, a good thing - no, an excellent thing; if your reader thinks about the story's events and wonders about what will happen next, they will continue reading and your books will sell.

The only problem I have with this chapter is its length. Were this to be published, all of your chapters so far would be six a5 pages long at maximum. I understand that publishing a 20 page chapter on YWS can be a problem though, as then some people would consider it too long and would not want to read it. Still... I would recommend merging this chapter with chapter one or perhaps extending it. (It's just my opinion though - if everyone agreed with me, I should wallow in misery.)

I do not like this Captain Rawley much, but when taking into account how suspicious Andrew must look, I suppose he reacted in the way he deemed the most appropriate. At least this means your characterisation is suitable and well done. No definite direction in which the story is progressing is discernable as of yet, but that is to be expected.

I am thoroughly delighted by the amazing writing you have once again produced, and I cannot wait for chapter three!

Rating for this text: four and a half stars (outstanding)




Wolfical says...


Yay! I am very happy that you approve of this chapter. Allow me to reply to your comments chronologically and one at a time...
-The llargos: (Thank you again for the name change recommendation!) Here is a link to a husky that greatly resembles my llargos: http://www.muamat.com/adpics/4d217a3be9 ... e4b9f9.jpg
Yes, piebald describes the fur pattern beautifully. I will be sure to take your advice into account and describe their physical appearance a bit better. They are, basically, large white wolves with medium-sized black spots. Unlike wolves, they have a curved tail (like a husky or malamute's). Additionally, they have longer jaws and larger brains; they are therefore more intelligent than the wolves that currently roam Earth.
-I was a little worried about leaving so many unanswered questions for the reader right off the bat and I'm glad that you think that it is an excellent thing.
-Combining certain chapters, eventually, would be a good idea. For now, though, I think I'll keep them short for this site's sake. On YWS, less people are willing to spend twenty minutes reading a chapter, even if it is written well. But, definitely, combining them will be ultimately necessary if I ever get to the point of publishing.
-When I was writing the whole Captain Rawley episode, I thought it might have been a bit much. Maybe it is. He is only doing the best he could to protect his troop, however.
Thank you very, very much for another thoughtful review. They are extremely helpful! :)




Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
— Thomas Edison