Young Writers Society

Hai, I'm back again and on with the technical things first. I will point them out as I read along.

I pushed through the bush in near silence. Though the trees clawed at me, restraining me, willing me to go home, I pushed on through the darkness.

Avoid repeating the same word in the same sentence, also look at the second through, I think it would work better if you had written 'despite' instead of 'through.' Despite is more accurate in terms of what you want to say.

The other jumped into save his mate

Other -> others. Plural, since you said there were more than one.

His mate- > Their mate, also I'm not sure about the use of mate here. They are vampires, right? Last I checked, Aussie called each other that...well, I suppose they are Aussie wolves. :3

I could feel the presence of another

Of another (what?) I think your wording isn't exactly the best here, maybe try another presence? That way the sentence is shorter and clearer.

More of them will come.

Of, small typo.


Content: So, this chapter wasn't as great as the last one I wiL lad it, but is still prett good. The on major problem I had was actually the pace of this chapter and how you described things, I noticed that Alexis just somehow knew Raven was the wolf girl's name without any explanation, this chapter also seemed to be narrated rather than showing it to the readers. These are just problems I've mentioned in The previous chapters so I won't go on for too long, be careful with your word choices, watch the actions and remember the explain when it is necessary and wait for a certain scene to develop and not jump over the place.

Like how the vampires attacked the wolves. Or how Alexis was transformed into a wolf I thought the emotions there could be developed more.

Other than what had already been said above and in the previous chapters, I thought this plot is rather interesting and promising. Well, my own story isn't much better off, is basically a huge mess of nothing and reared mistakes. So, I think you're doing a pretty good job with t he plot. Though the writing could be edited to make it great, keep this up!

-Laure

Hello again!

I've got some more exact nitpicks for this one.

I pushed through the bush in near silence. Though the trees clawed at me, restraining me, willing me to go home, I pushed on through the darkness.

It is hard to push through near silence considering pushing through a bush is a noisy activity. They're hard to get through too, considering they are bushes. It might be easier to push by a bush instead of going straight through it. It would keep her moving faster too. You don't crawl through bushes when you're running through the forest unless you absolutely have to, and even then you try to aim between two.
Are the trees actually clawing at her? If they restrained her, then you should describe how. If they just are causing resistance, then restraining isn't the right word for that spot. It makes it sound like the tree came to life and grabbed her up, and she had to struggle to get free again. In reality, if that's not what happened, she just needed to break a twig or a branch that was caught in her pocket or her hood or something.
Also you're using "pushed" a lot which gets sort of annoying in my ear.

Apart from I wasn’t.

This is awkward wording. Apart from is sort of like, I stood apart from the wall. I stood apart from the group. If I was going to write this in my vernacular it would be "Aside from the fact, I wasn't." or "that I wasn't." You could also still go with Apart and just say "Apart from the fact that I wasn't." but as it is now, it doesn't flow well.
"But I wasn't." is another quick way to say it.

The black wolf pounced and ripped the vampires throat out, she

you missed the end of your sentence.

After that point it seems like a bit of a jump between where they calm down with the dead bodies, from being tense about the fights.

Nothing else really stuck out when I was reading this, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. For editing, it's a bit different mindset than reading for plot. I read this in a few sittings so I changed mindsets between the first and last read.

Plot-wise I think this transitions much cleaner into the next section. Also I am not completely sure about the wolves/vampires fight, but I like that the wolves are shape shifters and we finally have a name. It's unique, to me, to see shape shifters that have a collective consciousnesses. That's not one I've seen before, but it does make sense considering they need to be able to understand what they're shifting into on a deeper level.

Is it just a coincidence that all of these children have crappy home lives or is it a condition of being a shape shifter because they need fear in order to come to realize what they are?