Timmy here :3
I feel like talking about Oni for a little while. Because she is important, and I don't think she is given enough attention. Not attention from Asenath as much as detailed attention. Like, I have always been curious as to what she looks like. Yeah, you gave us the stereotypical description of her womanliness. That just told me she was all grown up, but didn't tell me what she looked like at all. I would like a face that I can place on her character - something so I can see her. Because you've done a pretty good job on Asenath, although she could use some better describing, too (mostly we just get "Vision of Egypt" over and over from her). But with Oni, I know she's important, and she plays a big part in the book - probably second main character. I am just not getting what I want from her. And it's not in her character, her personality. I like both of those two. It's more on the focus with her.
Nothing is about her, but more so about Asenath. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The first bit in the entire book where there was even the shortest snippet of the book about her was at the end of the chapter. And that wasn't enough, because it didn't actually tell me any more about her, or how she actually felt about it. That part of the chapter seemed rather empty, as both Therese and Jessie said. You have the dialogue sitting there, and that acts as like a foundation of a dialogue scene. But there are so many more pieces, so many intricate details, that need to be inserted in there to flesh the dialogue out. Character actions, taglines, thoughts, expressions. Their thoughts and actions play an immense part in all scenes, and in a scene such as this one, it would play an even bigger part. So, like when Oni tells Asenath that she is grateful, you could have her get on her knees (if she would do that), or perhaps tear up at her mistress' sudden kindness. Anything that would build up here character and the scene does wonders. And Asenath would reply and act in kind.
One more thing that I think should be worked on a bit is the depiction of Oni in the earlier chapters. I honestly thought she was about Asenath's age throughout the entire first chapters. And the idea that a ten year-old was the one holding Asenaths' hand while she told the news. Well, I didn't expect it and always pictured a girl the same age as Asenath. So I think you should work on describing her as far back as the earlier chapters, and then build it forward. It would help how we see her as a character, and help us follow her change.
Asenath saw no longer a bony, awkward girl, but a strong woman with bright, intelligent eyes and curved features.
I am going to be 100% honest. This sentence here should be taken outside and stomped on. Not necessarily because it's a bad sentence or anything, but because it has become cliché. Especially the bright, intelligent eyes - although that doesn't really belong there, anyway. If you think about it, you're describing her change there. So... was she not intelligent eight years ago when she was a bony, awkward girl? I did like the bony, awkward girl part, though. It established a solid image for me.
but I believe I found some clothes that will be to my lord’s liking.”
Something I am curious about.... Why is Oni calling him My Lord already? They aren't married yet, so it seems odd.
She ran her hand over the rough paint in the house wishing that she had never been born
You need a comma after house, but that doesn't matter much. You have this tendency from time to time to go and write a sentence like the sentence above... and then move on, without giving us an explanation. The entire part before that sentence was talking about her paintings, and leading up to her hope that he would grow tired of her. But this, this is concerning an entirely different thing altogether. When you throw such drastic measures in our faces, you need to show us a reason for it. When I read through the first parts, she was sad, she was... angry, but there were no feelings of despair in her. Not yet. And so it seemed out of place for that emotion to be there. I would edit it out, and find something else, but if it belongs there, you need to explain her emotions.
I think I have run out of things to say here. Yet again, I am excited about this, and now I know that there are going to be lots of changes going on. With Asenath and Oni. Both are going to go through probably difficult times for a while, but especially Asenath. She is always going down dark roads, it seems. Which is good! Keeps us anxious for her, wanting the best for her, and each moment having stuff flung at her yet again. You are one of the best authors I know when it comes to pulling your reader in, with all honesty. And your plot and characters are two of the biggest reasons. And Asenath is pretty much the perfect character for this book. I love and hate her at the same time, although I am loving her more and more as the book goes on.
~Darth Timmyjake
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