Young Writers Society

Hello MoonlitSlumber! (I love your username! It's so poetic!)
I actually really liked this poem. I enjoyed the descriptions of what he did, and this person's reasonings as to why. I liked the image of the heart growing black and shriveled, but it seemed rather cliche. Perhaps you could tie that image to something else? I'm not sure what to tell you to tie it to. I liked the last part the best, because it rings with truth.

I love the simplicity of this poem especially.

there's one part that I wasn't so fond of.

He did not commit to

This relationship I indulged

with my heart and soul

The part that says "I indulged" just seems so out of place. I feel like it should be before "with my heart and soul." But I'm not quite where where it goes. Maybe you could clear that up.

I think the lack of punctuation works for this poem. Good job on that.

If I was to tell you to add one more thing, I would say maybe just add a few more lines somewhere in the middle with a vivid image that deeply ingrains the emotion of this so that it sticks with the reader forever. Or replace the heart image if you want to keep it short.

Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis

Heyo, Slumber. Let's jam.

You sneaked a rhyme scheme in on me. That doesn't happen to me often. So you've set a tiny parameter of rhyme in your poem; no big deal. What is a big deal is that the narration suffers because of it. In general, this is a very basic poem about a very basic incident, and it really fulfills no expectations I have for poetry because of its basic nature. There's no crime in attacking a subject matter that has been done before--lest all poets in the twenty-first century be chastised. That said, when you take on an overdone concept, your execution needs to rise above the droll nature of overused ideas. All that said, this can be salvaged.

He did not say I love you
Maybe because he doesn't

The opening. The hook. In rudimentary poetry, the opening sets the mood that is later filled in by the remainder, but what you set up here is a vague, emotionless statement. Sure, it's a doubt that most people who've been in a failed relationship can relate to, but it does nothing for the atmosphere of the poem. To invest your reader in your narrator--to make them care about what you're saying--you need to get us into your narrator's head. Did he just generally not say I love you at all? Because some people just don't jam to that beat. Did the narrator say I love you and meet nothing but silence? That's the emotion of rejection. It's the tiniest deviation from your opening lines, but it invests your reader, which is a skill that is inconceivably necessary to a poet. The narrator actively places her heart in the hands of this boy, and he just drops it. Bam. Emotion.

He did not commit to
this relationship I indulged
with my heart and soul
but he does not understand
my heart is turning black as coal

These first three lines would be unnecessary if you placed active narration into this piece. You would have room to take us deeper into their relationship and show what she's invested without reward. You have an opportunity to make me care. I could complain about the rhyme of soul/coal forcing you into a corner, but it's your choice to set parameters. Just generally know that poetry does not have to rhyme, yada yada. I do want to ask why the narrator is feeling such great emotion over this boy if her heart is dying and withering? Metaphorically speaking, the heart is the center of all your feelings and emotions, but if it's dying/dead, it makes no sense for her to feel such great emotion. The last line was probably written to meet the rhyme, which is a real shame.

And it is shriveled
yet it is soon to burst
isn't it funny
how the best feelings
can also be the worst?

Your last lines are decent as a closing sentiment. Of all of this piece, those last three lines are the keepers. I'd go as far as to say that you could build a full narrative poem off of these three lines, exploring the pains of a failed, one-sided relationship. What feelings were good? What feelings hurt? I don't know because you don't give them to me. Consider it a matter of showing versus telling, though I hate to use that line because it's so overused. As long as you tell instead of show, your reader will not care about what your poem says because it will be void of emotion. There's an exception to this, which is lyrical poetry, but this piece doesn't meet those standards of emotive phrasing and end-all assertive atmosphere. You could certainly accomplish emotive phrasing and assertive atmosphere, but at this point in time, the piece falls too short.

As an odd/end, I dislike that the only mark of punctuation in this poem is a question mark. Let me know if you have questions.

Lumi