Hey there Ulala! I didn't forget about your story
You come up with a lot of brilliant chapters! Again, the description here is promisingly wonderful, especially the first time when you show the Soul Eaters breathing in their life. I loved it. I think I liked almost everything you have in this chapter, as well as Lano wanting to do something about it too. But there were some things I wouldn't have minded having more of in this chapter.
I wanted a bit more description of the best as well. Did he differ a lot from what the Soul Eater's appearance? What was it about that beast that had him trembling in his boots especially?
Also, although you do say things such as Lano was scared and nervous, try and add some actions to it as well. Maybe Lano started to shiver, noticing how cold it was in this cave and how he would never see his mother or father anymore. How there would be no more talking with the spirits, but then steeling himself as he realized this was a sacrifice he must commit for his people. I just wanted more emotion out of this amazing feat, because it saved all his people and must've been a difficult thing to do in his life.
Finally, he spoke, “I offer to you my soul in return for the promise that you and your minions will never harvest souls from our race again. Never again will you steal a soul from a person again, so long as you can have my soul.”
I found this a bit repetitive here. The two sentences basically say or show the same thing. In my opinion you should cut the second one, because it is a repeat. At first I was thinking, why is his soul more valuable than all others? Then you did explain. But maybe say how it would fill them up more than the measly amount of humans out there, which would also be a good reason on top of his soul being a special one.
However, as if a tree had fallen upon him, he fell onto his stomach, eyes empty and body hollow of his soul.
However, the serpent was unable to capture and consume his spirit and it left his body in a fine mist.
Although these may be in two different paragraphs, they are both two sentences right after each other that start with the same word. Maybe try and mix up the vocabulary a little bit? As well as this, I wonder, why in particular couldn't the serpent take his spirit?
Maybe you could say something like, his spirit was too pure for the beast to consume, or he was too strong. Or even other spirits came to his soul and protected him from the beast, some being consumed in the process of this themselves.
Also, I was wondering, if his soul wasn't consumed, isn't the deal broken? Doesn't the Soul Eater's have the ability to go wherever they want seeing as his half of the deal wasn't met? I think maybe you could mention that even the Beast had respect for such a soul, and decided to uphold the deal somewhat, as his spirit had left his body due to the deal. So they only feasted on humans who stumbled across their cave, or whatnot.
Just a few ideas I'll keep reading!
Deanie x
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