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Young Writers Society


12+

The Tales of the Argonauts: The Osorezu and the Hana (Chapter 4-1)

by ulala8


Chapter 4: Kenichi and the Soul Stealers

The Past

They came in a storm that descended from the mountain. Their husks were as black as onyx and their eyes were as void as a corpse’s. They descended upon the small village that had been birthed from the initial pool of humans. This village harboured thirty men, women and children, all of whom were to become prey to the mountainous evil.

They came in the dead of night, wrapped in a veil of darkness that shrouded their very existence. They clung to the houses and crawled toward windows, clawing for the people inside. Their voices were like a frigid wind’s howl and their fingers froze the objects as they touched them.

The people stirred to the howling and the scratching before they arose. The people gathered their children and their partners and hid away from the threat. The creatures slipped into their homes and advanced upon the innocent humans, taking their faces in their frigid fingers and breathing in their life. The humans were left empty and cold, soulless and dead. The creatures turned back to the mountain once they had consumed a soul each and were satisfied.

Morning broke as the remaining humans mourned their dead, hugging them in arms and kissing over their pale brows and cheeks, and sobbing. Their sobs rung out in echoes about the mountain, and it began to rain.

Lano, the child of Hikaru and a Child of Light, became so bottled up with rage after this catastrophe that he simply could not stand by and wait for these creatures to return for more souls. He knew that the village would not survive another attack. The population was down to only a few dozen people left.

However, Lano was dominated by Yin, so he was unable to muster any sort of feelings strong enough to make him desire to destroy the creatures. Instead, he ventured into the mountains in the morning and allowed himself to slip into the spirit world.

The world came into a new light; all of the greens became reds, all of the blues became purples, all of the browns became pale pink. The material objects in this realm seemed to be made of mist, just as the spirits seemed to be mist to a resident of the physical world. A dark aura began to emanate from one of the mountainside caves and Lano took this as his target.

He entered the cave and came face to face with a great serpent that was made out of pure darkness and despair. Feelings of hopelessness and finality began to leak into Lano’s resolve. The serpent spoke in a voice that was not its own, but in many voices-- some of which Lano recognized as his comrades He could hear his best friend, he could hear his love, he could hear his father, among so many- so very many- others.

“I can see you clearly, yet you are of the material world. Explain,” to which Lano replied;

“I’m a Child of Light. We are beings that can move between the spirit and the physical worlds. I was born of a human and a spirit, so I am even more so able to travel than other Children.”

A rumbling sound came from the throat of the serpent, in many different tones and pitches.

“Why have you come to me?” Lano’s voice caught in his throat as fear began to sink in upon realizing that this beast could likely steal his soul if it were displeased. When his voice finally rose to his lips, he said;

“I have come to make a deal with you.”

An interested tone rose into the serpent’s voices, “Is that so?” The creature slithered from its dark corner of the cave and presented itself to Lano. “What are you prepared to give me?” it inquired.

Lano was left to consider what he could possibly offer for a few moments. Finally, he spoke, “I offer to you my soul in return for the promise that you and your minions will never harvest souls from our race again. Never again will you steal a soul from a person again, so long as you can have my soul.”

The serpent seemed quite intrigued by this offer, so it began to examine Lano more closely, determining his desirable traits.

“You are brave, as you’ve faced me. You are heroic as you’ve placed your life before me for the sake of your people. Your soul is far more valuable than that of a normal human’s, as it is both spirit and person,” it slithered about his body before it settled before him, mouth opening to display a darker and more vast void of darkness than he already was. Lano struggled to keep his footing, so that he would seem dignified in his death. However, as if a tree had fallen upon him, he fell onto his stomach, eyes empty and body hollow of his soul.

However, the serpent was unable to capture and consume his spirit and it left his body in a fine mist. It returned to the air, shining down upon the village with a brilliance greater than the sun. He was the sign that the people would no longer have reason to fear the dark.

From this day forth, the Soul Stealers dwelled only in the mountains and only stole human souls in secret. If a human were to stumble into their cave, he would be reduced to a hollow body that would be eaten by the insects.

Lano became, to the people, the God of Hope and Bravery.


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Tue May 20, 2014 5:36 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Ulala! I didn't forget about your story ;)

You come up with a lot of brilliant chapters! Again, the description here is promisingly wonderful, especially the first time when you show the Soul Eaters breathing in their life. I loved it. I think I liked almost everything you have in this chapter, as well as Lano wanting to do something about it too. But there were some things I wouldn't have minded having more of in this chapter.

I wanted a bit more description of the best as well. Did he differ a lot from what the Soul Eater's appearance? What was it about that beast that had him trembling in his boots especially?

Also, although you do say things such as Lano was scared and nervous, try and add some actions to it as well. Maybe Lano started to shiver, noticing how cold it was in this cave and how he would never see his mother or father anymore. How there would be no more talking with the spirits, but then steeling himself as he realized this was a sacrifice he must commit for his people. I just wanted more emotion out of this amazing feat, because it saved all his people and must've been a difficult thing to do in his life.

Finally, he spoke, “I offer to you my soul in return for the promise that you and your minions will never harvest souls from our race again. Never again will you steal a soul from a person again, so long as you can have my soul.”


I found this a bit repetitive here. The two sentences basically say or show the same thing. In my opinion you should cut the second one, because it is a repeat. At first I was thinking, why is his soul more valuable than all others? Then you did explain. But maybe say how it would fill them up more than the measly amount of humans out there, which would also be a good reason on top of his soul being a special one.

However, as if a tree had fallen upon him, he fell onto his stomach, eyes empty and body hollow of his soul.
However, the serpent was unable to capture and consume his spirit and it left his body in a fine mist.


Although these may be in two different paragraphs, they are both two sentences right after each other that start with the same word. Maybe try and mix up the vocabulary a little bit? As well as this, I wonder, why in particular couldn't the serpent take his spirit?

Maybe you could say something like, his spirit was too pure for the beast to consume, or he was too strong. Or even other spirits came to his soul and protected him from the beast, some being consumed in the process of this themselves.

Also, I was wondering, if his soul wasn't consumed, isn't the deal broken? Doesn't the Soul Eater's have the ability to go wherever they want seeing as his half of the deal wasn't met? I think maybe you could mention that even the Beast had respect for such a soul, and decided to uphold the deal somewhat, as his spirit had left his body due to the deal. So they only feasted on humans who stumbled across their cave, or whatnot.

Just a few ideas ;) I'll keep reading!

Deanie x




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Fri Apr 11, 2014 11:18 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Heya! I'm back!
Anywho, my only grammar comments are that the first two paragraphs, since they are both talking about the coming of the Soul Stealers, should probably only be one paragraph.
Also, in the second-to-last paragraph, it should be 'From that day forth'
Other than that, totally perfect!
For technique... I like how you used a style of writing similar to fair tales or fables. It definitely sets the past apart from the present in this story. However, the beginning part is just a tad bit too straight-forward. It should give a sense of urgency and panic, because they won't last long; Lano must do something. Right now.
And... that's it from me!
I'll probably read the rest, now that you've pulled me in. It's quite an interesting story. Thanks for asking me to read that other chapter earlier!
Ciao!




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Mon Mar 31, 2014 8:39 pm
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catcha01 wrote a review...



Hi ulala8, first of all thank you very much for the recommendation. I enjoyed reading your piece very much.
Now to the reviewing aspect of the comment:
Good job on your grammar and I saw that throughout the story you often used metaphors and similes which in my opinion gave the piece a subtle yet noticeable poetic feel.
One in particular that stood out for me was

eyes were as void as a corpse’s
. I liked the idea, but I believe that their void eyes should be compared to something a bit more...conceivable per-say. Personally I have never seen a corpse so that relation means almost nothing to me and the meaning that it holds is vague for me. Since not all your audience has seen a corpse perhaps it was not the best thing to relate to. The change isn't required, but it may be a good idea.
Aside from this it was once again very good. I'm glad I had gotten the chance to read it.
Happy Writing!
~Catcha01





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