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Writing by the Rain

by QuietQuilla


March 4, 2011

Dewdrops splash onto the window separating drop from drop. As I look up beyond the glass, I see thick summer clouds, gray with sadness. I love it at this time. I open the window as far as it would go and breathe in the damp citrated air.

Sliding my chair as close to the window as it would go, a single drop of freshly drizzled rain plopped on a plain sheet of paper that I was planning to write on. The wind from the rain – storm – to – come whipped into the window as a couple of drops splattered on the table in front of me. Taking a paper towel from the metal holder I wipe up the water, but I don’t close the window. Sitting in the wooden rocking chair with my paper on the table I began to write:

We, Mike, Tina, and I, are in the parking lot of the school when Kiwi runs up eyes falling out of her sockets.

Oh my gawd!” she racked, “Have you seen the new guys!?”

. . .

I pause for an instant. Looking outside I see that the rain is starting to pour. After about an hour of writing beside the hammering of the rain, I take off my shoes and go outside. At first the coolness of the water shocked me; but I stay where I was. I got used the temperature quickly. I walk for awhile testing my ground. Then I began to run around the in the water I loved. I walk all over the complex. I played unlit dawn; running around on the big patches of grass and staring in to the musty sky before going back inside. After going back inside I stared at the sky again. The liquid only misted now. It was gray with a tint of orange. I want it to rain again.

Then I heard the weather lady on the TV comment, “Tomorrow will be another rainy Wednesday.”

I smiled.


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Fri Apr 04, 2014 9:54 pm
greywords wrote a review...



I want to say, first, that I completely agree with you. I love the rain. Luckily for me, I live in a place where rain is a regular occurrence year-round.

Most of what I saw was covered by other reviews, so I won't repeat the same points.

There is one thing that I noticed that I don't think anyone else covered. In the last sentence of the first paragraph you say, "I open the window as far as it would go and breathe in the damp citrated air." I'm assuming based on context that you meant saturated. Citrated means that the air would have been treated with a citrate to stop coagulation. Saturated means, in context, essentially that the air was holding as much moisture as it could. So, I definitely think that you meant saturated.

Hope this helps!

--Grey




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Fri Mar 21, 2014 10:12 pm
Iggy wrote a review...



This doesn't look like an article/essay to me. ;)

Dewdrops splash onto the window separating drop from drop.


Your beginning sentence. This is a good start but it lacks the impact it requires to draw in the reader. For instance, imagery. You tried, but it doesn't make sense. Where did the dewdrops come from? A tree? The roof? I also can't wrap my head around drops separating, unless you mean that, as a drop slides down the window, it splits into two drops, and then four, and so on and so forth.

It's up to you but I suggest you try to improve this beginning sentence.

The wind from the rain – storm – to – come


I can see that you're trying to be poetic here, but the dashes here are distracting and odd. Why? Because they cause the reader to take unnecessary pauses, therefore breaking off at awkward spots and ruining the impact you were trying to create.

when Kiwi runs up eyes falling out of her sockets.


This, too, doesn't deliver the impact you wanted it to. It's a weird way to describe her excitement, by saying that her eyes are falling out of her sockets. Maybe still with a more common term to understand, like "her eyes were as big as saucers"?

Then I began to run around the in the water I loved.


Cut out the indicated word.

I played unlit dawn; running around on the big patches of grass and staring in to the musty sky before going back inside.


Not only did you misspell until but you also incorrectly used a semicolon. I suggest you change it to a comma, since you stay on the same train of thought.

The liquid only misted now.


Another weird and oddly-worded sentence. Revise it.


One of your biggest mistakes was punctuation. A lot of commas are missing where they are needed, making the sentence rushed and sloppy. An example:

Dewdrops splash onto the window separating drop from drop.


There should be a comma after "window."

I suggest you go through and try to find all of the sentences that are missing a comma, then fix it.


On the plot itself, it was, for the most part, clear. I gather the overall message of this is that rain helps the narrator focus on his/her writing? Either way, this was a unique thing to share, and I'm a bit upset that it is so short.

You used nice descriptive words for the rain and the scenery and how it helps the narrator write. The scenes you described were beautiful and simple; the flow was clean and constant and on track. This was overall an easy story to understand and relate to, so thank you for sharing. :)




QuietQuilla says...


Thank you very much for the review and time!! And I see exactly what you mean. ^_^ There were things that I saw and that you pointed out that I Knew were incorrect, but I didn't think of another way to express them.
So thank you!



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Fri Mar 21, 2014 6:32 pm
deleted5 wrote a review...



Hello QuietQuilla! Alex here to review your work!
I really loved this piece! I loved the way how you enjoy and respect things that most people would ignore, hate or despise. Although I can't share your love for rain I can kind of relate as I love the wind! You used some very creative imagery and metaphors in it. Two for example are:

As I look up beyond the glass, I see thick summer clouds, gray with sadness.

After going back inside I stared at the sky again. The liquid only misted now. It was gray with a tint of orange. I want it to rain again.

I also love how you ended it with simply "I smiled". It really ties the piece up very well and leaves a good lasting impression!
I couldn't find much wrong with this! I was a little bit confused of:
The wind from the rain – storm – to – come

I think you only need the first dash there not that many!

Overall I loved your angle and your topic to write about! See ya!




QuietQuilla says...


Thank you!!




Resistance is futile.
— The Borg