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I gave birth to my nightmare

by retrodisco666


I gave birth to my nightmare.

I screamed and pushed

through burning agony

for it to just be there.

.

It didn't speak for so long.

That muted little mutt

did nothing but stay silent in her

own little daydream whilst I screamed.

.

She loathed me.

From the day she walked

she took steps away across linoleum

floors before I could fetch her.

.

At the age of 9 she told she hated me.

My own precious little devil

loathed my very presence and me,

and I was glad of it.

.

She turned 16.

She came into the kitchen

and sat down at the pine table

that I once changed her on.

.

She looked at me with

mascara lines leaving

track marks across her

pale porcelain skin.

.

'Momma, I'm pregnant'.

My mouth grew dry

and I prayed to God,

that she would not hate that baby.

.

The way I hated mine.


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55 Reviews


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Sat Apr 05, 2014 11:49 pm
puppys3117 wrote a review...



Wow.... this almost made me cry! this was so awesome I cant stand it. the title is a little.... odd, but its what you wanted it to be so I'm just going to live with it. I didn't notice any grammer or spelling errors. I thought it had a lot of detail in it. I also loved how you added 'and I preyed to God'. its hard to find someone out there who will even mention God in their stories. Over all, I really liked this poem!!!!! Great job!!!




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Thu Mar 20, 2014 10:22 pm
LiptonCookie wrote a review...



This really came on strong. The emotions of the mother, her loath and despise for her baby felt very compelling, to me. The way you worded things and made it seem realistic proved to be worth it.

My concern revolves around the divisions in the poem. For the most part, there were no problems associated the divisions in stanzas and whatnot, however, the speaker changed abruptly in the beginning. It took me a moment to realize the change in perspective. Perhaps try easing the change in a little more slowly rather than transition right away.

I liked the way the poem progressed, though.




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Wed Mar 19, 2014 9:10 am
therealme wrote a review...



This is very powerful and carries a bold, emotive message. In a way there is mourning behind this poem, and is very easy to relate to.

It is great how you have used the continuous metaphor of the girl being a devil or monster or other inhumane thing. It creates a more affective image/description of the girl.

The last two lines nearly killed me, and reading them felt like a punch in the heart. Once again I love the descriptions you used, and more than anything the deep emotions that come from reading the poem. I found it very ingenious the way you have laced feeling into every line.

A very excellent poem! Well done :D




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38 Reviews


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Tue Mar 18, 2014 11:43 pm
LiptonCookie wrote a review...






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Mon Mar 17, 2014 7:40 pm
Oliverisorange wrote a review...



Hello!
I loved how the speaker changed after the second verse. I haven't read a poem with so much hatred in quite some time. I liked how you mentioned that the floors were linoleum, it gives the reader some perspective on the living circumstances, as it is usually titled a cheap material. I also enjoyed the metaphor of birth being a nightmare. We praise birth and deem it a thing of joy and beauty so often, and it's nice to here a different take on child birth.
I found that the 4th line could have been rephrased, although I do like how the speaker referred to the child as, "it" I think there may be some other way to put it.
Obviously, poetry is meant to create an image and perhaps even a motion with little words, which I think you were able to capture perfectly!
I will be reading more of your work, and I think you did a fantastic job!




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Mon Mar 17, 2014 6:57 pm
deleted5 wrote a review...



Hey retrodisco! Alex here to review your poem!
I really enjoyed this poem! My favourite bit and also the most powerful was the last stanza. I loved how her only advice to her daughter was to not hate her child as she had done with her own. It really brought it to quite a dramatic close.
You used some really powerful imagery in here. Phrases such as: "pale porcelain skin." and "My own precious little devil

loathed my very presence and me,
"
These two lines in particular left a lasting effect and a great picture in my head.
I couldn't find much to improve. You have obviously had proof read it and have had experience in writing for a while. All I could find which could be better was:

loathed my very presence and me,

and I was glad of it.

Try reading this out. It sounds a bit weird to use two "and"s next to each other doesn't it? Maybe changing it too:
loathed my very presence,

and I was glad of it.

Besides that this was a very well done poem! Well done!





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