z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Ribcage Blossom

by Renard


No blossom without sunshine

No life without love

-

Most fragrant power

Of our thorny existence

-

Burst the bud

And risk the awakening

-

Barely earth's flowers

We bloom without expectation

-

You ripen with age

Before you start to rot

-

Precious gift stolen

Keep love locked

-

In the ribcage

Through the night

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Points: 4183
Reviews: 94

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Fri Mar 14, 2014 9:23 pm
defiantAuthoress wrote a review...



Hey there! Great concept you've got here. I love your metaphors and imagery in this poem a lot. I was just wondering, first off, why it's in the articles/essay section? Was that an accident?

If I were to have any criticism of this, I wasn't sure how well all the lines flowed together. They did seem to have similar themes, but at times the point of each and the point of them altogether was unclear.

In all though, great start! Keep up the good work!




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Fri Mar 14, 2014 7:22 pm
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hi there Bloodink!

That's really cool that you adapted quotes for this poem! Where are they from, if I might ask? It kind of reminds me of when people take pages of newspapers or books and blank out lines in order to make sort of "found" poetry from the words already there. I'm all about it!

The first thing I notice about this poem, though, is that it's formatted kind of weird (also, it's posted in article/essay? I'm not sure if that was intended, but just let me know and I can use my mod powers to move it to the right place!). Poetry is typically formatted with a left justification (square with the left side of the page), non-italicized, and with only an extra space to denote breaks in stanzas. Stylistic choices that differ from these can be made when they intentionally are there to impact meaning, but as far as I can tell this isn't what's going on here? So instead this is how that poem should look:

No blossom without sunshine
No life without love

Most fragrant power
Of our thorny existence

Burst the bud
And risk the awakening

Barely earth's flowers
We bloom without expectation

You ripen with age
Before you start to rot

Precious gift stolen
Keep love locked

In the ribcage
Through the night

This way, your reader isn't immediately trying to figure out why your poem is formatted differently and they can focus right away on what's actually going on in the poem. Also, if you ever wanted to try to publish it this is the format you would have to put it in to be considered!

Now, for the content of the poem itself. It's a really sweet and simple poem, and I really like the sentiment being expressed here. The only line I have a lot of trouble with is "and risk the awakening" in the third stanza. What is being awakened? What's the risk of awakening it? Does it have something to do with our thorny existence? It's a lovely line, I just wish I had a bit more context for the meaning!

The only other thing is the last stanza of the poem. I quite like the two lines themselves, but I don't feel that they fit the rhythm of the rest of the poem. In reading it, I have this nice little rhythm going on and those last two lines break from it a little too much. Try reading it out loud and you should see what I mean.

All in all I liked this poem a lot! The only thing you might have to consider is just how much you've adapted it from the source material (I'm not familiar with it, or I would better be able to advise you!). If you've just added line breaks into the original quote, that's bordering on plagiarism (if you tried to pass it all off as your own, that is) and you should do some finagling to make it more your own.

Lovely poem! Keep writing!

-Lauren-






Formatting did go funny.
It has been doing that a lot lately.
The center was just me playing around. I may move it back then.
Thanks for the review. :)



Lauren2010 says...


Yeah, our literary submission system isn't always the best with format! And the centering is fun! I'm just old and wizened by higher education where looking at anything not in manuscript format makes me twitch. xD You're very welcome!




If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
— Oscar Wilde