Hey, here is a short review of your poem by me. The idea that went on to write the poem was a good one and very well expressed. While at the same time, the vocabulary used in some placed tends to cause a dissonance with the poem at length. for e.g
"flowers DRIFTING on the breeze."
drifting here seems to be an unsuitable word for me. I know that in a poem we usually tend to use words that makes a line "more poetic" by using synonyms of words which we would have otherwise have put in a line. But sometimes we should keep in mind that the use of simple words gives a line a capacity to give the reader a sense of simplicity which is more easily and acceptably digested than using more "poetic sounding" words. So here you can just replace it with "flowing" and can keep it simple. And also, it should be 'in' the breeze rather than being 'on' the rain.
Another line:
"CRIMSON fell onto"
Again, if you read this line you will easily figure out as to why I am pointing out this line to you. Crimson here sorts of disrupts the intended mood of the poem. I know you wanted to use crimson to signify blood, but don't you think the use of the word "blood" would have given it the desired gravity of gloominess and moribund ambience that entails war. Crimson sorts of fictionalizes the idea of war, albeit it also fantasise the idea itself. So, the desired response gets broken in the reading of this line with "Crimson". Also, to note that, it sounds like a name of a person when read. So, in a sense, as I am saying, It reads as if someone fell onto the ground! hehe
Also, another line:
"and CAST DOWN
To be trampled."
Here, cast down doesn't seem to fit in the reading of this line. If we go by literal meaning, it seems as if someone threw down the petals and trampled it down! (I wonder if that was what you intended to say)
But, if we go by the dictionary meaning than it seems completely to kill the sensical meaning of the line. Are you here personifying the petals????? For if yes than you would have to personify the flowers as well and that would make your poem a bit complex, abstruse in other sense, for the "scent" would then complicate the entire poem.
Lastly, as I have already touched the idea of personification, my suggestion would be that if you can personify the idea of war in your poem, it will rather give a more direct and sharp comment on the futility of war and its undesired casualties.
just to give you one example:
"Grass was trodden down by battle-worn boots"
instead, you can write it as-
"The grass was trodden by the boots of war"
The use of article can actually help sometimes.
I would also like to talk about the rhythm in the poem, but that is easy enough to make out where it feels broken i.e. in which lines.
So, this was just a small, pedantic review of your poem. It's my personal take on this poem so just felt like sharing my views on it. Hope it proves to be conducive for your further posts. And nevertheless, this is a good poem. Nice job
Points: 613
Reviews: 37
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