Young Writers Society

Hello! Clarice Arrais here.
OMG, I liked it so much! It was like a breeze to my brain (after so much reading and writing in here). You skillfully did it. The way you brake the images with TASTES... I loved it. I actually felt it in my tongue (this was weird and nice).

"the rhythmic words in only the best of ways fuzzy memories, distinctive tastes
cucumber, ketchup,remember?"

You built a strong poem. You used thoughts, sounds, images, tastes... It is so rich in sensations.
If I would change something, it was: always start the sentences with capital letters and I would have extended it in the smell section.
It is like the Grand Finale is missing somehow.
Keep writing poems! You can do great things. ^^

Happy Review Day, Blues! On behalf of the Majestic Icicles team, I hereby bestow upon you a review.

I definitely enjoyed this piece. It's reflective, and while I'm not an expert on poetry, I think this would also work well as a narrative without the poetic line breaks. It's very unique, and I think it flows nicely either way.

There were some lines I didn't fully understand, like "your serif text, painted in red" and "your halo...". Are they inside references to personal memories that I'm naturally not going to be able to get as a complete stranger? Either way, the message I'm getting from your poem is still very clear to me: those days of being younger and having less to worry about were lovely times despite the natural ups and downs of life, and those fond memories of being that age are nothing to be ashamed of.

Now, on the line "your halo, dreams, the sea was clear, the toes skimming the ground," I'm not sure how, but maybe rewording and/or working them into different lines might improve the flow of your piece ever so slightly. It's a bit longer than your other recent lines before and after.

How about--
your halo, dreams
the sea clear, toes skimming the ground
--?

Or--
your halo, dreams of the sea clear,
toes skimming the ground (<-- which continues on the subject of dreams)
--?

Those were right off the top of my head and I'm sorry if I've completely taken your poem in the wrong direction! In its current state, your piece is already so lovely, and I found it very relatable.

Hello Blues! It's lovely to see that you've decided to try your hand at poetry!

I don't think I really see anything that needs changes, but I do have a few suggestions.
I find that poems with slightly shorter lines flow better in my head (this will not apply to all poetry, and it might just be me, but I think that it does apply to this poem). This may have a smoother feel to it if you try to shorten the lines. For example the first line could be split in to two...
"I want the past again,
with all its joys and all its failures"
Something about that formatting just makes me want to pause at the right times to give th poem a steadier feel.
I would recommend that you take the "yet" off the end of the second line and put it on the beginning of the third line. (alternatively you could take "with the world" and put that on the end of the second line, the two would create different feels)
Nice job with leaving it open to the reader. While you still provide enough detail for me to imagen this from your viewpoint, you've left it open enough that I can apply it to myself.
"The rhythmic words in only the best of ways" I'm not quite sure what you meant here. It could use some clarification.

I really love the ending. "the fresh dew and jasmines every morning" I just wonder if "and" was the right word to open that with? Seeing as the last line was "care no longer" they don't seem to fit together well.
But it still was a wonderful piece of imagery to end a beautiful poem.

Great job Blues. I really enjoyed this poem. It's easy to connect with and interesting.
~WW

I'll be honest, while I found this beautifully written, I couldn't put my finger on the rhyming scheme. And I don't normally write my own poetry, but I have viewed other peoples' poetry so I'll see what I can do that might help, and please let me know if what I say is of any help. I don't necessarily feel that rhyming words are a vital necessity when it comes to poetry, but I do feel that having at least a steady rhythm is good to see. As I read this, there were so many different amount of...syllables set in an odd form that it became difficult for me to find a flow to this. I'm not saying that this has to be like a sonnet of fourteen syllables for each line or a haiku of five-seven-five, but you should at least come up with a pattern for each line to create a flow to your poem. Other than these few pointers, I have nothing to say regarding your poem, it was rather beautiful.