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16+ Violence Mature Content

The First Book

by IanFlores


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Their were many things needed to
complete the mission. So I ran. We all did scattering throughout the
forests, down the valleys across the great fire stream and then we
found what we needed. The journey back was much more difficult. Our
backs broke. Bodies boiled. Monsters claimed our souls. Even the
devil tempted us from our path. Seven of us remained  lexir threw in
the skin of a fae that killed our kin and his own. Semiere shot down
every bird he saw on the journey. Semiere has had dreams of shooting
birds since he was baby. Everyone knows this. But no one knew what to
shoot was. Then Semiere showed us when he grew older.  He gathered
the feathers of all his catch. He tossed them in the volcano. Next
Sin, with nothing. To of.fer.,  thou;gh s.he. did. Pl]=-a)(n (The
WH:L””O-_!e Thing. She alone offered her sweat, and that
she would happily serve, but for a precious gift. Mary came next.
Through the only thing she had on her. A magic healing herb. And
threw it in the fire, the smell was honey and ambrosia. It left a
taste of clouds on your mouth, and made your hair feel funny. The
twins came next. Holding their gift together the crossed to the edge.
 Dressed both raggedy clothes we couldn’t tell which was which
from the start. When they raised the blanket. And then the blanket
dropped. They were different. It was so different.  They both looked
at each other; we were all looking at them mouths agape stunned by
the one twin leaping to his fiery demise. Gift in tow. I only wish I
could have seen his face, for my own personal interest. and lastly
came myself.
 I remember it very clearly. I was
walking to the edge, and out of the red came a staircase, I walked
in. the room was cold. Too cold I thought. But inside was smooth,
like a wet rock. A knife, black, and sharper than glass lay in the
center of the room. I removed the powder I had from the vial around
my neck. A relief certainly, maybe the only thing I could have found
any joy to in the moment. The powder belonged in a bowl, and then one
appeared in my hands and so did the powder.  So I kneeled down. Bowl
in-between my knees. And then I run my hand down the length of my
arms, red following immediately behind my hand, into the bowl it
goes. Into the bowl it goes.  Into the bowl it goes. But wait, I have
to mix it and throw it in. I might have cut too deep I thought. Maybe
I might not make it. but I stumbled, atop the steps I found myself .
Then I remember crawling, clutching the bowl.  Pouring it in the red;
the world turned black.
“I’m glad to see we’re
all here today.” He said almost too sincerely. “It may be
funny but I’m not one for words and ya’ll should be
considering yourselves blessed that you’re even here.  Now you
can’t stay long but I’m going to give you a present. To
be honest it’s more a present for me so you get off my back,
here.” I struggled so hard to turn my head, but the only thing
I could move was my eyes, my body felt not mine. I could see the rest
of them though. Each one he talked to, and lastly he came to me. A
wave of liberty rolled over me washing away my bonds. He seemed
surprised to say the least. Nevertheless, he spoke
“Give me your hands”
So I raised them.
And then I felt a hard heft bring
them plummeting back down to where my eyes could see them.
The fruit of our labor was the first
book.  A neat blue leather wrap, and the pages seemed endless in both
text and quantity. Of course the familiarity of the ink was a bit
off-putting at first,  but we adapt.
And then.
We all spoke. little words at first with big meanings at first.
move!
I
you
and then we could describe anything. All I can say is I'm relieved.


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41 Reviews


Points: 1963
Reviews: 41

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Sun Feb 23, 2014 10:36 am
Inkpot wrote a review...



Hello, Inkpot here to review your first work!
I'd like to start off by saying that there was some great imagery used throughout this piece. Some of the sentences and vocabulary used provoke powerful scenes to form in the reader's mind, such as:

"A wave of liberty rolled over me washing away my bonds."

This is a very fluid, beautifully written phrase.

Constructive critisism-wise, I would suggest that you consider the pace of this piece. Getting the pace of your writing correct is always a difficult thing to do, but the key is to read oer your work as objectively as possible, and improve what doesn't flow as easily as the rest of your writing.
For example,

"Our backs broke. Bodies boiled."

These two sentences don't seem to fit quite as well as the rest. I understand the use of short syntax is demonstrated here for effect, but I feel that there is more you could add to this section. Consider:

"Our backs broke. The bags we carried felt heavier with each gruelling step we took. Bodies boiled. They were eaten up by the volcano, turned from flesh to ash. And our own bodies were struch with such intense heat that we felt ready to collapse."

Now, I am uncertain as to the conditions of the journey your characters have been on, and so perhaps my suggestion does not apply, but I wanted to show you how you can have short syntax while also incorporating more substance into your piece.

Overall, a very adventurous and exciting piece of work. From the title and the note you finished the piece on, I presume there will be a sequel. I look forward to reading it.
Well done :)




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179 Reviews


Points: 22652
Reviews: 179

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Fri Feb 14, 2014 9:54 pm
Magenta wrote a review...



Hello IanFlores,

This is Magenta here for a quick review of your short story, The First Book, which I can only assume is your first book? At least in the series? I would also like to welcome you to the site because you are new here. You've learnt all about this website, but I still like to welcome the newbies. Anyway, on I shall go with my review. ;)

"Their were many things needed to
complete the mission."

I would first like to point out the word "their" which should be "there" instead because it is simply used to indicate fact or existence, not to associated possession to people. I would also like to ask you why you have the three words on the next line instead of continuing it on the same line with the rest of the sentence?

"Our backs broke. Bodies boiled. Monsters claimed our souls. Even the
devil tempted us from our path. Seven of us remained lexir threw in
the skin of a fae that killed our kin and his own."

I think that you could reword this part a bit differently. "Our backs broke. Bodies boiled"? Maybe add some good descriptive words to describe the difficulty, otherwise it sounds a bit bland. At the end, it seems that you forgot to place a period between the words, "remained" and lexir". I think that "lexir" is a name. Am I right? I would just capitalize that if it is. Another question. "Fae" refers to "faeries"? I'm just checking to see if I have this story right.

"He tossed them in the volcano. Next
Sin, with nothing. To of.fer., thou;gh s.he. did. Pl]=-a)(n (The
WH:L””O-_!e Thing."

I got a little bit confused here. I think that this is just a bit of a typo and I suggest changing this to what you meant it to be so that you have a clear sentence and the readers don't have to guess.

"Through the only thing she had on her." "Through" should be changed to "though" even though I suggest starting this sentence with another word. Unless you mean that she came through that way. I would change that so it is a little bit clearer. I think that you could connect the sentences so that it is,"Mary, with only one thing, had come with a magic healing herb with unspoken powers." Something like that perhaps?

Okay, now that I think about it, I think you meant to say that she "threw the herb into the fire." Because of the typo before, I didn't understand that they were throwing things (not throughing or through) into the fire. In that case, change the sentence to,"Mary threw into the flames, a magic healing herb, the only thing that she had with her, creating an ambrosia and honey infused aroma." Or maybe a little less wordy.

"It left a taste of clouds on your mouth, and made your hair feel funny. "
First, take out the comma floating in the middle of the sentence and instead of saying "on your mouth", consider changing that to "in your mouth". It just makes more sense and sounds right.

"Holding their gift together the crossed to the edge.
Dressed both raggedy clothes we couldn’t tell which was which
from the start."

I would like to suggest chaining the second sentence and adding a comma and a "y" in the first sentence. Try this? "Holding their gift together, they crossed to the edge, lifting what dirty rags they wore from dragging on the ground. This only made it harder to tell them apart, and this was just the beginning."

"When they raised the blanket." This is a fragment, I believe and this one,"the room was cold" should start with a capitalized word.

"We all spoke. little words at first with big meanings at first.
move!
I
you
and then we could describe anything. All I can say is I'm relieved."

Frankly, I was a bit confused her and I think that you could have this worded better so that we can see the image clearer. I think that it would be better to capitalize the words "move" and "little". It just seems proper.

Other than these few things, I think that this is a good piece for you to start with so you can build up your writing early. Great job with an early submission.

~ Magenta





Overripe sushi, The master Is full of regret.
— Buson