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Young Writers Society



Night Sailing

by ladcat13


I padded around on the front deck in my bare feet and adjusted the inflatable life vest. It was the kind that wasn’t big and poofy until you pulled the emergency cord. If it wasn’t so loose on me, I might have forgotten it was there. The cool night breeze picked up my short hair and blew the loose locks in my face. Good thing I had my pirate cap on. I loved that cap; it was my sailing hat.

We weren’t really sailing. In fact, we really didn’t mean to end up moving at night. We technically should have been docked in harbor by now, but I didn’t mind at all. In fact, right now I was almost grateful that the new motor had broken down this morning. Otherwise we wouldn’t have ended up out on the water at this hour. Towards the back of the boat in the cockpit, I could hear the soft murmuring voices of my parents. Behind even that, there was the soft purring of the now-fixed motor. We'd gotten it only a month ago, and this was its shake-down cruise. It had cost a heap, but it was so quiet that it was worth the expense. Now that the noise of the old diesel outboard had been eliminated, nothing could make this more perfect.

The inky black waters slapped gently on the sides of our catamaran. I loved the hollow sound of the water between the twin hulls. The silver orb of the moon hovered above in the starry night sky, and it seemed to me as if it was smiling gently. Without the light pollution of inland, you could see every single star like gleaming dust spread over the vault of the heavens. Their light reflected on the little waves and gave them a surreal glow, one that you couldn’t quiet see if you focused your eyes but was there all the same. And the light of the moon cast a long strip of silver over the water, so perfect it could have been a painting. The night air was somehow fresher than during the day, probably an effect of the coolness and lack of humidity. It tempered the salty tang of the ocean, so that I could almost believe this was fresh water.

I drank it all in with my eyes, knowing it would not last. The sun would rise, and the night would be gone for another twelve hours. Maybe if I sat quietly and stared long enough, the memory would imprint itself in my mind. I was perfectly content to sit on the edge with my arm around the railing, trailing my feet in the dark water as it slipped by. I loved sailing, but with the baleful orb of the sun glaring down on you there was always something to kill the joy. The more temperate, gentle light of the moon and the protection of the shadows afforded the bay some of the quiet perfection that I missed in my normal, day-to-day life. One day I'll live on a boat, and I'll never have to miss the water again. This is the only place I really feel at home and at peace, for how can I go home and feel the same after having left that life behind?


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16 Reviews


Points: 754
Reviews: 16

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Sun Feb 15, 2015 9:41 pm
FromWithin wrote a review...



Hi :) I'd like to drop a review !

First of all, and what I just love the best about this short piece is the imagery ! It's so clear and i can imagine things as if I was the one looking out onto the ocean. I have to say, you picked the best descriptive words !

The piece also has a nice flow and is really coherent. The vocabulary is simple, but that just makes it so enjoyable to read ! :)

I like the way you have chosen to conclude your little narrative. It's bitter-sweet, which certainly adds to the charm !

Nice work ! :P




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166 Reviews


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Reviews: 166

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Sat Feb 08, 2014 5:27 am
Cheetah wrote a review...



Hey, Cheetah here to review your story!

First off, I just want to say I love this. The description in here is vivid and beautiful and the characters' thoughts are clear and straightforward. Thumbs up for that.

The inky black waters slapped gently on the sides of our catamaran. I loved the hollow sound of the water between the twin hulls. The silver orb of the moon hovered above in the starry night sky, and it seemed to me as if it was smiling gently. Without the light pollution of inland, you could see every single star like gleaming dust spread over the vault of the heavens.

This is the kind of description I'm talking about. I love it!

one that you couldn’t quiet see if you focused your eyes but was there all the same.

'quiet' should be 'quite'.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this! Thank you for sharing and keep writing! :D




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205 Reviews


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Fri Feb 07, 2014 11:01 pm
AEChronicle wrote a review...



This story was fun, and I could really picture being a younger child and enjoying the bouncing and trouncing of the boat over the waves.

As for the review, I will get the negative out of the way first.

Thirty feet behind me in the cockpit, I could hear the soft murmuring voices of my parents.


First, to preserve the language of a younger child and what he is seeing and thinking, I wouldn't put 'thirty feet' in there, as that's too precise, and I think it detracts from the essence of the story, which is to say, it's not needed information, and it doesn't help the story much.

Secondly, ships don't have cockpits, planes and artillery do. A ship has a berth, a cabin, a cuddy, or even a wheel house, but cockpit makes it sound like your flying a WWII Bomber.

In fact, right now I was almost grateful that the new motor had broken down....

....Behind even that, there was the soft purring of the motor. This new one had cost a heap, but it was so quiet that it was worth the expense.


Here, I am a bit confused. I thought that the new motor had broken down. Is there a new, new motor? It's a little bit unclear, and it doesn't seem to fit the story, because, if they had a motor, then they would be happily moving along. And how did your parents acquire this new motor, when the boat is out in the middle of the water? Just a few questions I had and was confused about.

Besides that, I don't really have any other nitpicks. You use some beautifully descriptive language, and it really brings your story to life in some places.

Without the light pollution of inland, you could see every single one, like gleaming dust spread over the vault of the heavens.


This part is great! 'Gleaming dust' really exemplifies what the stars look like in a clear sky, and I found myself picturing the few times I have seen it like this. Very well written.

I loved sailing, but with the baleful orb of the sun glaring down on you there was always something to kill the joy.


'Baleful' is not a word that is used very often, but it goes great here and explains a lot about this scene, without explaining a lot. If you understand what I mean? I also like that you didn't make a list of all the bad things that come with the blazing sun out on the water, i.e. sunburn, heatstroke, dry mouth, etc. etc. You left that up to the reader to envision, and it works very well.

This short is wonderfully written, and I quite enjoyed reading it. Short, simple, but very personable.

Thank you ladcat13!




ladcat13 says...


Why thank YOU, AEChronicle. I'll be sure to correct the things you pointed out. I actually wrote this story awhile ago, when the memory was fresher. I edited it some, but I didn't go into depth.



ladcat13 says...


Why thank YOU, AEChronicle. I'll be sure to correct the things you pointed out. I actually wrote this story awhile ago, when the memory was fresher. I edited it some, but I didn't go into depth.



ladcat13 says...


Dafug, why did it post twice? I hate that. Sorry to be filling up your notifs! Anyway, I forgot to say that, at least in our family and on our boat, we call it a cockpit. I suppose you could call it a wheelhouse or any such synonym, but cockpit seems the best word for us. If you told me to fetch the GPS from the 'wheelhouse' I wouldn't know what the hell you were talking about; it's always been the cockpit for us. And also, berths and cabins are belowdecks. Cockpit's outside.



AEChronicle says...


I understand now, it was just confusing when I read it. In that case, you might consider adding in a little 'that's what we call it' in your story, so that others aren't confused like I was.




cron
Poetry lies its way to the truth.
— John Ciardi