Young Writers Society

Hi! Review day here <3

I think you have a few interesting parts of this poem. The one that stands out to me the most is where you actually broke away from just end rhyme and had an internal rhyme along with the end rhyme.

I miss the endless skies and the sound of dew drops hitting the ground.
I even miss the yelling and the fighting that would make my head pound.
I miss having someone around, here in this tiny room it feels like I might drown.

All of the bolded words are at least slant rhymes. This is probably the strongest part of the poem.

Personally I don't like the affect that only end rhyme gives and I am not a fan of ending lines as sentences. Lines are lines because they can say something interesting without really interacting as a dichotomy. Basically, what you put in a line has a connection with itself that is close and important, but mostly not obvious to the untrained or glancing eye. When you read a poem, you read it through the lines instead of stopping at the end of each line, which means you miss this 90% of the time if you're just listening to a poem out loud [and poetry is made to be read, so you're listening to poems out loud most of the time], which can only be avoided by reading it on the paper as you read it out loud. It sort of makes it necessary to read it out loud yourself, or at least read along. You can do things with this like associate "corn" and "I miss the endless" which could bring up how there used to be an unbelievable amount of corn available, but now, the corn has wrought so much havoc on the land that it isn't endless. Corn prices are going up. It's not an endless supply like it used to be.

This sort of association can make your poem about more than just the speaker, which is exactly what 'good literature' aims to do.

Another reason why I don't like end rhymes is because of things like this line you have.

I think I’m giving up; my blood is filling the dorm.

So, a dorm room, you've just associated your narrator with a college and dorm life. They're a 'party person', fresh out of high school, living away from mommy and daddy, with a good amount of money. They're clearly overwhelmed with the new life, and they're wishing they could move back home. Now, if any of those things are wrong, then using the word 'dorm' was not the best choice, but what choice did you actually have? You had to rhyme with scorn. That's a hard one! Especially in this type of poem. If you cut out the end rhyme, and just write a poem to write out your experiences, then you're going to have an easier time saying what you want to say instead of saying what needs to fit in the rhyme.

Lastly, the reason I dislike end rhymes is because it really doesn't let writers get involved in enough figurative language. Now this can be alright, if they can still sneak in a metaphor and give us a good picture of things while they're working around the end rhyme. That's easier to do when you're not limited to 'one sentence per line' because you can put the rhyme in the middle, like I showed you earlier, and just line-break where you hit another rhyming word [although it is not the best way to pick line breaks]. I think you had two figurative things in this poem which actually gave me some visuals aside from the direct ones, which were great by the way [sweet corn, sound of dew drops, endless sky, the smell of roses]. The winners are: "A place that will stop my insanity from growing until it pours." which, in itself makes me question what type of liquid is insanity? what is it pouring out of? and does it just hit the floor. Second place: "I think I’m giving up; my blood is filling the dorm." While I dislike this as a general word, dorm, you've managed to work in an image that I can see, a tank/dorm full of blood with a body at the bottom.

In order to take a step up in poetry, and really get closer to what you want to say, I'd like to see you try to break away from writing like this and just rant. Take your emotions and try to describe them in a picture. If you're super angry, write about a lion eating a zibra, or tearing flesh from the walls of your room that's driving you insane. Get out of reality and show me things. If you can't do that just yet, then just close your eyes and type, then cut out things you didn't know where you were at, and break the paragraph up into lines. I think these exercises will get you out of the trap you've lain for yourself with this structure of poetry and help you get out of your room, so to speak.