Young Writers Society

" how anyone could cut

their beautiful wrists. "

- I like how you made it seem beautiful. It's different, but cool. Most people who cut can read this and notice something that not many think is beautiful, but you made it beautiful by writing about it.

" Pale smooth skin,

faint blue and green veins

branch up my wrists like snakes "

- I also like how you compared the veins to snakes. Good job.


Nice poem and details. Hope to keep reading your poems/stories.

VERY good, not what I was expecting at all!
This is the best thing I have read for a long time and I'm
Glad it isn't too depressing, thank you for writing this,
You've done a brilliant job.

This is kind of a personal aesthetic's choice, but I would usually never recommend italicizing a word to make a point. Because if you un-italicize the word "life", the whole line would look kind of cliche and relatively powerless: so italicizing to make a special point is usually a nono-if you may- and I would advise against it.

but your words are really quiet and they paint much with very little. good job.

This is wonderful.

It brings to light a very important idea, that our bodies are beautiful, but in a sort of, nonchalant way.

My favorite line would have to be, "With nerves, with cells, with life."

All to often we, as humans, forget that this life is supposed to be an enjoyable experience, and we start nagging and moaning and acting like kids. But life is a beautiful thing, and I think you've captured that here. I like this very much.

Thank you ConverseFireGirl!

Hi there Converse,

This is an interesting, and refreshing, approach to this subject - as others say, it is quite exhaustive. I think you've done well with using a simple style and, mostly, I think you've hit the nail on the head. Is this a first draft though?

The first three lines are intriguing, but nothing stands out nor is there any emotion. You don't bring in the first person possessive until the third line, which makes the first two (although well written) feel empty. A simple change to: "I see pale smooth skin,/faint blue and green veins/branch up like snakes" - you don't have to use that edit, but I like the idea of shortening the simile of the third line too as it feels like there's more "umph".

I think in the "with nerves, with cells, with life" line you could drop the "with", so it reads: "Blood flows beneath;/nerves, cells, life." You've still got the rhythm and pace and, if anything, they are more emphatic.

I have no problem with the last three lines - in fact, they're my favourite.

Keep up the writing and I hope this helps.
Ben

Hi there CFG,

Great to see a poem which celebrates LIFE and is not about glorifying self-harming. I love it for that reason alone.

However, your poem flows really well too, I think.
I completely love the way you break your lines in your poetry! It makes the reader focus on what you're saying here, because it emphasises your message really well - those line-breaks on 'life', 'wonder', 'cut' are so effective!

This is a short and 'to the point' poem; it doesn't need to be long and wordy to state its case. The reader is left in no doubt as to what you're saying.

Nice work. That's all I wanted to say!

hello there, ConverseFireGirl,

First off, i'll tell you I am a cutter so I hope not to sound too critical or anything.......but honestly I really enjoyed reading this. It is a very good poem and it flows very very well. I loved how you compared the precious veins to snakes, and how the blood is LIFE.

Cutting, self harm, and suicide are such exhausted topics in writing lately, but I admit I am extremely guilty of it, about half of what I write falls into one of those three topics. So I won't criticize you on that too much.

I would have like to see this poem continue into something much longer, and still as beautifully descriptive.

My favorite lines are

"faint blue and green veins

branch up my wrists like snakes.

Blood flows beneath,

with nerves, with cells, with life."

Also remember your capitalization when necessary.

Talk soon, nice work, and keep writing

--Cam

Right. I am going to have to comment on this now.
This is one of many short works about the issue of cutting.
You are representing a bold view here: ‘I wonder
how anyone could cut
their beautiful wrists.’
This work, is well written, however the topic is long outstretched and unoriginal.
Also, its length makes it lack impact.
If you could come up with more reasons and more expression and views on the topic, it would greatly improve the work.
I feel that the concept is worn a little thin, and very cliché at the beginning, to the extent at which it sounds like you are describing some sort of vampire: ‘Pale smooth skin.’
It seems we are almost verging on glamourising self harm by filling it with flowery language and making it poetic.
I’m not sure that’s right for the topic.

Hola! ^^

I am a cutter, and I think this each time I do...except I don't do it on the wrists, because then there's the danger of dying and all, so...

This is beautiful and simple, though!! Like Rain said earlier, it breathes life into a vault of pretty depressing poems about self harm. I'm going to read this each and every time I feel like self harming <333 Thank you so much for writing and sharing this poem, ConverseFireGirl ^^

By the way, I love your avatar x3

<3,
Wonder

Sweet, simple, thoughtful. I like it. At first, I thought it would be another poem about cutting. But this was a nice and refreshing change. I was happy, this is a poem that looks at preserving life; not taking it. I appreciate anyone who writes about such things. I am always surprise at the volume of depressing poetry. It is not a bad thing, but when there is so much of it it is nice to breathe in some life occasionally. Thank you. The fourth and fifth lines:

"Blood flows beneath,

with nerves, with cells, with life. "

I like how you put them together. But "Nerves" seems out of place. Maybe something like

"There's nerves, and cells, and life"

Just a thought.

Altogether, I love this. It is beautiful, and make sure to keep writing!

~Rainn

I love that someone is going out there and trying to help people with this problem in a new, different way. I think too often they hear that it is wrong, or terrible, disgusting. Instead, your message is to not do it because they're beautiful. Being told to see the beauty in what is being harmed, rather than to see the filth in the act that they can't help doing, that is so much stronger a message. I applaud you on that, writing something beautiful to help. Thank you.

I do think that you could have worded it in a more powerful way, both the rhythm and the word choice, but I hesitate to tell you that it would improve it. The way you write it, it feels gentle, conciliatory, and natural. It's like comforting a friend, not stirring a revolution. That's why I like it just as it is, it just feels more personal.

Hello!
Firstly let me say how happy that it wasn't another poem about cutting (well obviously it is, but not how I expected.) It makes a nice change.
My only criticism is that the line "Blood flows beneath, with nerves, with cells, with life." doesn't make a heap of sense to me. I realize that I am being extremely over literal, but the only sense I can make out of it seems biologically incorrect. That is that blood flows with nerves. I am no biologist, but I don't think you get nerves in the blood. Sorry for being so literal.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

Wow! Such a strong message in this poem, I applaud you for taking on such a subject. I really like a lot of your prose here, especially, "faint blue and green veins/branch up my wrists like snakes."
In terms of things you could improve on, I have a couple nitpicks about phrasing and wording.
I think that the phrase, "And inside," could be added to "I wonder", because having the two two-word lines disjoint the poem a little bit. Also, in the line, "branch up my wrists like snakes", I might change the word branch to slither, or snakes to vines? That way, the simile matches up a bit better.
The line "their beautiful wrists", while summing up the poem nicely, feels a little less prose-ish and delicate than the rest of the poem. I would suggest using something a bit more flowery, maybe even using a metaphor for wrists or describing them in a more abstract way.
Lastly, I think this poem would be even better if it was longer. I would love if you would build on each description (of the veins, of the blood, of the life that the wrists help live and what the wrists help do).
This is a really great start! Thank you so much for writing!

Hey ConverseFireGirl!

Firstly, your avvie is distracting! Just saying.

I feel the idea behind this poem is quite good, I'm assuming (tell me if I'm wrong), that you're trying to help combat cutting, and I'm with you on that. The way you put it seems a little stuttery though: the timing and rythmn is off, for me, at least, especially on
"faint blue and green veins"
The "and" kind of threw me, but otherwise, I loved the imagery and purpose in this, and enjoyed reading it.

It took me two reads to get that "inside" was in the writer's mind, and not... inside their body. It's not very clear.
Also, compared with the rest of poem, "cut" seems quite weak. For example, if you just replace it by "marr"
"I wonder
how anyone could marr
their beautiful wrists."
Marring beauty seems much more of a crime, don't you think?

Hope I helped! (not sure about that, I'm not used to reviewing poetry >.>) Keep writing!
Auxii~

Hello! Cailey here with a review!
The title of your piece caught my attention. It's just one word, but there is so much behind the word that I was so curious to see which aspect you were writing about. So while this isn't a complicated or fancy title, I think it works because it allows the reader to form an idea of the poem before reading, which I like.

"Pale smooth skin,

faint blue and green veins

branch up my wrists like snakes.

Blood flows beneath,

with nerves, with cells, with life. "

I love the imagery and the description here. This is a short poem, so there isn't space for you to go crazy in depth, but just the way you describe this here is enough. In fact it even made me stop to look at my wrists, and I like how you connected the veins with the idea of life.

However, when switching to make your point I feel like you lost something. I think the first thing I noticed what the line "And inside" because I was still thinking inside the wrists rather than inside of the speaker. So maybe take out that line first of all, so that it's clear that there's a transition here and you're not just describing a wrist anymore.

Also, see if you can find a stronger word than "cut". The ending lines are where you make your point and give meaning to this poem. And I think it is such a beautiful, important point that you are making here. So try to make your words really stand out. Make each word show how you feel, and make the lines cause the reader to ask the same questions.
"Cut" is a pretty common word, and I think that if you could find a stronger synonym that would just add a lot more emphasis to the entire poem.

That said, nice job, and excellent job of writing a poem that was asking a question. I like it when poetry makes me think and feel, and this one certainly does! Let me know if you need anything or have any comments or questions, and happy writing!