Young Writers Society

Hi!
Let me start off by saying this poem is really lovely. Your language choices are superb and colorful, although there are some things you need to work on.
For one, you have a bit of an issue with subject-verb agreement. The subjects you are talking about have the wrong verb associated with them. Like "When dreams caressing" should be "When dreams caress" and "the beauty and the excellence that gladdens" should be "the beauty and the excellence that gladden."
I am also not sure what "Highlights of the moonlight" is supposed to mean and it feels out of place in this poem.
However, the speaker of this poem is pretty well established. As a reader, the speaker is highly relatable.
Your writing is very nice like when you read it out loud, it sounds well. Although I do have an issue with the pause after every line. It disrupts the flow of your poem and I think you should reconsider changing that.
Overall, it's a great poem even though it does need some work.
Keep writing and good luck,
Dianne E.C.E.

Hello Smile, Subtle here for a review on Review day!

So, first of all. interesting poem, I really like the imagery here and what you have described here I can only guess is the moon. The idea behind this poem is wonderful and you have done the night justice with some of the metaphors in here.

I only have a few nitpicks, and I had to read the reviews below me to make sure I didn't repeat anything. I agree with Adnamarine that try not punctuate your poem with periods and I noticed that you put either a full stop or a comma at the end of every sentence. I'm not saying this is bad, but it interrupts the flow of your poem. So I advise you, only put in punctuation where you want to make a point or empathize something.

Now, I have to disagree with Adnamarine, I liked the first five lines because it was a beautiful prelude to what it to come. It gave the readers an insight as to what the piece was about, you were setting the stage there. The only thing is, I would rephrase some of it into this.

In the darkness of the night .

In the arms of silence .

When dreams caresses my mind .

As my heart dance to the tune of one .

Highlights the moonlight....

Tell me the cities of longing and nostalgia ,

Intriguing piece, smile (love your username, by the way). There were some things I absolutely loved about it...and a couple structural things that I didn't understand.

First of all, I'm wondering about your use of periods. I felt like I was brought to a jolting halt every time I came to one. They fragmented your ideas and your lines and counteracted the smoothness that your language tries to accomplish. I felt like the poem was stuttering at me, trying to get out full sentences, but not quite getting there. My advice... punctuate this like you would full sentences, and don't use fragments.

Now, I hate to disagree with Timmy, but I loved "Your voice waddling to my ears." It's such a distinctive description, and made complete sense to me. However, I wouldn't capitalize "waddling."

As far as content, the first 5 lines were not my favorite. I think part of the reason was that they were so fragmented that I couldn't make sense of them. I felt as though there were no whole thoughts there.

Starting at "Your voice waddling..." I felt like it started to come together. However, I would still punctuate it completely different--maybe you had a reason for doing it this way that I'm missing, but this is what I would do:
"Your voice Waddling to my ears,
Whispering to me the whole evening--
Tell me the cities of longing and nostalgia.
You constructed to me,
As well as the stars,
Attracted to you as a magnet of kindness,
Then dance around with the music of your brilliance.
Yeah, you are the beauty and the excellence
That gladdens our conscience."

Even the way I punctuated it...sometimes I wasn't positive where to put a comma or a period, because some of the wording made it difficult to tell where one thought starts and another begins. Really, my biggest piece of advice is to write this in complete sentences, punctuated the way you would punctuate prose. I feel as though it would be a LOT easier to follow, and then your beautiful imagery wouldn't be wasted.

Because you do have some lovely lines. As I said before, I like "your voice waddling." I also loved "Tell me the cities of longing and nostalgia."

Last thing. The word "yeah." It feels so completely and utterly out of place. Of course, that's just my opinion. However, I'm reading through this piece which feels soft, and gentle, nostalgic, peaceful--and then this glaring "yeah..." It sounds...jazzy. It made me picture this jazz band in a dimly lit cafe and this low raspy voice whispering "yeeeeeeah" as he chants this piece, with a saxophone in the background. Again, just my opinion, to take or leave, but I would cut it out.

Anyway, I think this piece has so much potential if you can just clarify your ideas. They all blurred together for me, with the punctuation confusion. But keep up the good work with that lovely imagery!

Timmyjake here to give you a review!! I saw this and I was like, Ahhhhh, first one!!!

Like all of your poetry, this one is fantastic. It flows along beautifully, even though nothing rhymes, and actually means something! Brilliant!!

Now I will hit a few nitpicks real quick.

When dreams caressing my mind . -Either caress or are caressing would flow better

Your voice Waddling to my ears,

you Constructed to me .

yeah , you are the beauty and the excellence . -I think the "yeah" broke up the beauty and flow of that line.