z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence

Bad blood: Chapter two

by Mindfang


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Sasha stared at them, her eyes wide with dread but soon they turned into a glare. She was angry. This asshole was beating the shit out of her and she was just taking it. Standing up, still glaring at them. The figure seemed to chuckle at this “Oh? Do you really want to fucking do this”.

The vampire didn't answer, holding her fists into a fighting position. In the time Sasha had been alive, she had been in one fight. It was in the seventh grade against a boy that had dumped soup all over her project on purpose. She had thrown her soup at him then punched him straight in the jaw. She was suspended for a week and was the bad ass of middle school. This had to be something like this.

The figure moved at lighting speed, their foot smashing into her stomach, making her hold her stomach as she felt herself about to vomit. But the idea of vomiting was quickly taken off the table when they grabbed her leg, twisting it and pulling it nearly out of it's socket. With their free hand, they forced her face against the brick wall. Sasha could already feel herself starting to cry.

“Are you going to do that again?” they asked her. She furiously shook her head but dear god was she angry at this person, but she was mostly angry at herself. They chuckled, tightening their iron like grip on her ankle. She let out a sob “Please let me go”.

The smell of smoke is always alarming someone, it's like it can drag you from a dream and crashing into reality. The smell of smoke was coming from her leg, from where they held her ankle. Then she felt her leg starting to get warmer and warmer. Soon it was burning like it was on fire. She furiously shook her leg, trying to get out of their grip but they wouldn't have any of that. They even made their grip stronger.

Tears rolled down her cheeks as screams bubbled in her throat. Squeezing her eyes shut, she didn't want to look at the filthy concrete floor, or listen to the monsters dark chuckles. Then it all stopped, their grip was gone and so was the burning. She turned her head to look at them. They weren't moving, breathing or blinking. But the thing that made Sasha really jump was the fact that their eyes had rolled to the back of their head.

Sasha looked down at her ankle and honest to god, she wished she hadn't. The flesh was burnt pure black, and she could see faint pieces of white. Her bone. This....thing had done this to her, but what scared her the most. It looked like they hadn't even tried. They snapped back into reality, growling bitterly “You're in luck brat”.

They went in for one more hit, but out of pure dumb luck, Sasha moved out of the way just in time. But her little victory was short lived when they smashed their elbow into her jaw, knocking her out easily.

Sasha didn't sleep much anymore ever since she had been turned. She tried to go without for the longest she could manage so when she did sleep she wouldn't have any dreams. It turned out being unconscious made one dream.

The field was bright and golden, the cool breeze licking at her arms and making her hair wisp around her face. Wearing a dark red dress that reached her ankles. Another figure was standing in the field holding a fencing sword. Her eyes brightened “Mom?”

But she didn't seemed to hear her, they turned their head and looked at her direction, only to turn her head to look away. Sasha tried to walk over to her mother, but something stopped her. A chain around her ankle. Her eyes followed to who was holding the chain. A collar was wrapped around their neck, and they seemed to be looking at them self in a beautiful jeweled mirror. In their other hand they where holding her chain. Around the young girl, people who she had feed off looked at her. They just looked. She looked back at the person holding her chain and she could easily see that the person was the monster that had beaten her up. She tried to look at who was holding the figures chain but past them was black skies, the air reeking of blood and smoke.

This was the first time Sasha got to see what the person truly looked like. The first thing Sasha noticed was their beauty. Beautiful, clean, clear skin, high cheek bones with pink lips. They had blue eyes and their hair easily fell past their shoulders. Sasha's eyes wandered to look at that their figure, the first thing that struck her was that this woman was wearing very little clothing, but the little clothing looked like it was made of silk. Bracelets, rings and golden necklaces adored her body.

She stopped looking at herself to give a heated glare to Sasha, heating up the chain she held. This made ripples of pain wash over the young woman, falling to the ground, desperately trying to take it off and run to her mother in the field. But all she did was burn her hands and make the beautiful woman laugh out loud at her attempts. She yanked the chain, bringing Sasha closer to her feet.

Black tears rolled down her cheeks as Sasha screamed for her mother “Mum please don't leave me!” she furiously shouted to her. “Mum! God damn it, fucking look at me” she screeched to the woman, but she only started to walk away. Sasha screamed and cried for her mother, but she was silenced by the blonde woman by a strong slap with the back of her hand, the rings on her hand adding to the pain.

Sasha watched her walk away, sniffling, holding her stinging cheek. Then the woman looked down at her, moving her hand to touch her shoulder. She turned her head to look at the beautiful monster, she was slightly frowning at her but then her lips moved to say something but Sasha couldn't hear her, so she leaned in closer.

The vampire was awoken with a jolt, shivering as she looked around the room, taking in her surrounding. She found out she was in an old barn, the air dusty and old. It was well out of the city, judging by the silence around the barn. There the woman sat, looking at herself in a hand held mirror, applying some black lipstick, then applied light blue eyeshadow, making her eyes pop. “Oh, You woke up”

“Did you think I wouldn't?” she asked. The woman just hummed, applying eyeliner.

“Who are you?” she asked the other. She snapped her hand held mirror close, looking at Sasha. She walked over to her, flicking her blonde hair over her shoulder, a frown still on her face. “You don't deserve to know my my name, you lowblood” but then she sighed, placing a hand on her hip “But I am to teach you, so you may call me Furnace, or Ms. Which ever you prefer”

Sasha was shocked, the arrogance in this woman's voice was just overwhelming but then a question rose in her mind “Why are you teaching me?”. Furnace sighed once again, looking even more annoyed “My master is all about finding new talent”.

“M-master?” Sasha asked her, start to crawl away from her. “I wouldn't do that” Furnace said off handily, looking at her nails like they where more interesting then her, and to the other, they probably where. Sasha slowly stood up, pain racing along her body as she stood on her brunt ankle. “What are you going to teach me?” Sasha asked.

“You really like asking questions, don't you” Furnace pointed out, annoyance grazing her voice.

“Why did you call me low blood?” Sasha asked, Furnace looked at her “That is a good question”.

She picked up a stick, drawing in the dirt. “You see, my blood is better then yours because it makes me stronger, faster, smarter” then she paused, looking at Sasha “and in your case, much better looking”.

Well, this woman was an asshole. “What is your blood?” she asked once again.

Furnace looked at her, eyes flashing red for a second “Demon blood is the reason I'm stronger, faster, smarter and better then you ever will be”, and with every word the woman took a step forward, making Sasha back away, falling back onto the ground. Then Sasha asked “If your a demon, then where are you horns?”

Furnace quickly countered “If your a vampire, then why do you show up in mirrors?” then she looked at the vampire's hair “But if I looked like that I wouldn't want to be able to see myself in a mirror either”

Sasha looked away, admittedly very embarrassed. “What are you going to teach me?”, then the demon snapped at her “If you ask me one more question I swear on the messiah's name I will fry you!”

She quickly shut her mouth, looking down onto the ground. She brought her knees her chest, looking up at Furnace. She didn't want to ask any questions but they where just over flowing in her mind, question after question. But her questions where quickly silenced by a loud growling.

Turning her head, Sasha saw a dog. A big fucking dog. Black blood dripped from it's muzzle and it's beady eyes glowed black, just like it's fur. It was also covered in scars as well, but Sasha could see the faint outline of a collar around it's neck.

“Nice doggy” she said, standing up, only for the dog to charge at her. Sasha moved out of the way of the dogs snapping mouth. The dog looked at her teacher but the dog quickly looked away, snarling at the vampire.

“I'd fight if I where you” Furnace suggest, still looking at herself. She looked around for a weapon, picking up a barrel and throwing it at the dog. This did nothing, it even made the situation worse. The dog ran at her once again, snapping it's jaws at her. Sasha was remind of the way Furnace had punched her, even thought it hurt to replay it in mind, she imagined it. Then it clicked. Sasha smashed her elbow into he dogs snout.

Pain erupted from her elbow and she looked at it, it was obviously broken. The dog on the other hand was now bleeding from it's nose, lapping at the black blood with it's tongue. Furnace looked at her, slightly raising an eyebrow before returning to her reflection once again.

The dog tackled her, winding Sasha in the process. It held her down with it's paws on her shoulders, snarling at her. Grabbing one of its paws, she ripped it off of her form, her grip still strong on the best, then she twisted the animals paw.

It shrieked in pain, biting Sasha's right knee. She howled in, releasing the dog from her grip, falling to the ground to touch her wounded knee. Blood already flowed freely from the wound, and she could see the skin was angry and swollen.

“You're my teacher!” she angrily yelled at the woman “Why aren't you helping me, you selfish bitch” she yelled.

“I don't want to and my nails are drying”

Sasha was angry now, then she furiously yelled “Just use your personality to dry them!”

Furnace just clicked her fingers, and the dog ran away, leaving a bloody trail. Sasha sat down, looking at her leg. It was slowly healing, but she knew that it was going to leave a scar. She heard Furnace crack her knuckles “Do I need to educate you on being polite to your teacher?”

She glared at the woman, before turning her head “N-no Furnace”.

“Why didn't you help me?” she demanded “And what was that thing?”

“It was a hell hound”

Furnace had avoided the question. “Shall we began with psychical lessons first?” Furnace asked, walking over to her, opening the barn door. “Take off your shoes”

“What?”

“Take them off”

“Why?”

“They're ugly and it's apart of training”

Sasha looked down at her track shoes, sure they where a bit on the rough side but they weren't that bad. Furnace wasn't even wearing shoes to begin with. She took them off, placing them neatly near her jacket and she walked next to her teacher.

Another one of the hell hound's appeared, then another appeared, then another. Three hell hounds. Sasha barely escaped from one. “We are going to be working on the basic's, speed and strength” Furnace explained, lighting a cigarette.

It was a massive corn field, around it was a track covered in dirt and rocks. She could see several sharp turns, if someone would fall they'd be thrown into a river.

Sasha put two and two together, then she took off. “You're smarter then a I thought” she heard her teacher say before she released the hell hounds on her.

6 hours. Sasha had ran for six hours, whilst trying to kill the hell hounds and not be killed. Luckily they where stupid so she didn't have to think about them making any traps. Her legs pumped as she turned her head to see only one hell hound chasing after her. It was gaining speed on her, soon nipping at her heels.

Sweat raced down her back and she swiped her hand at the dog, hitting it's nose. She punched it once again but she was much weaker thanks to all the running she had been doing. Sasha looked around the field. Her eyes brightened when she saw the sharp turn coming up. Sasha picked up speed, stopping at the turn.

The hell hound charged at seeing her stop running. Her knees started to shake as the hell hound got closer, and once it was in range, she moved out of the way. It rolled into the river, yelping and whimpering. She heard it hit the water.

Sasha walked back to where her teacher stood, seeing that her teacher had finished two packs of cigarettes easily. “Took you long enough” she scoffed.

Sasha looked down at the ground, whimpering in pain. Her feet where bloody bruised and she was pretty sure she had lost several toe nails in the process. She sat down, bringing her feet closer to her face. Pulling out the rocks, she grunted in pain as a trickle of blood poured out of the wounds.

Furnace walked in, swishing her hips, the short dark blue skirt showing off her legs. “You left a blood trail on the track” she said off handily, glancing at her feet “Do they hurt?”. Sasha nodded “Good, that means it worked”

“What”

Furnace rolled her eyes “Don't be a baby” then she placed a hand on her hips, flicking her hair “As the teachers of a better time said 'The most painful lesson are the most needed'”. “I doubt that”. Furnace looked back at her once again, giving her a quick glare before she she exclaimed “Do you want to call it a day?”

Sasha was about to answer with a yes but Furnace answered for her “Good! I'm tired and I'm hungry” and she started to walk off, but she soon stopped “Aren't you coming?”. Sasha looked at the woman. She blinked a couple of times before she put on her shoes, walking towards her new teacher.

Her wounded feet where healing as she walked with her teacher. They didn't talk. Sasha just looked at her surroundings, while Furnace kept on smoking cigarette after cigarette. The area was nice, clean and clear country air, green fields and water that looked like she could swim in it. But she wouldn't.

They soon reached a small town. It was an over all okay town. It was mostly full of people in there mid thirties or forties, maybe the odd child walking past them. Sasha pointed at a diner “Let's eat there” she suggested, Furnace just glanced at it before shrugging, walking towards the diner, Sasha following her.

They sat at a both, sitting opposite from each other. The Diner was nice, the seats where comfy, the air smelt of pancakes and the place was well kept. Sasha looked at the menu, licking her lips. She wanted pancakes. The other didn't even bother looking at the menu. The waitress came by, asking what they wanted “Fruit salad and glass of water, hold the ice” the blonde had said, not even bothering to look at the red haired waitress. The red haired waitress was called Abby, Sasha noted reading her name tag “I'll have a plate of pancakes” then she looked back at the menu “Oh! And I'll have a soda” she smiled at her.

Abby smiled back, jotting down the orders and then quickly walking into the kitchen. “A plate of pancakes?” Furnace mocked her “What are, five?” she laughed. “Did you really have to be so mean to her?” Sasha shot back. Furnace hummed “You have to accept that you are no longer human” then she pointed at the elderly couple sitting seven seat from them “You could kill in under three minutes”.

Furnace leaned back in her seat, taking out a pair of sunglasses “We are better then these insects and the sooner you accept that, the better”.

Sasha just looked at her, eyes wide. Furnace didn't even bother to be quiet about it, but there was only the elderly couple here and the waitress. “How can you be so cold?” Sasha asked, her voice gentle. Scoffing “How can I be cold? I'm the Furnace of pride and rage, I have never felt cold” she asked, leaning in closer to Sasha.

The vampire could see the her teacher's eyes where glowing red under the sunglasses. She felt like Furnace was about to jump at her, Sasha quickly glanced at the others nails, slowly turning into claws. The claws she had used beat the shit out of her. Sasha felt her hand shaking and she slowly formed her hand into a fist. Furnace smirked.

The tension was broken as the waitress placed down their food “Am I interrupting something?” she asked, looking a the two. Furnace didn't look at her once again “No and go away” she asked, flicking her hand. Sasha frowned at the other, smiling at the waitress, picking her a fork and starting to cut up her pancakes, eating them.

Once they had finished their meal, Furnace stood up, walking out of the dinner, Sasha in tow “Aren't you going to pay?” she asked, the other just shrugged “Probably not”. Sasha was applaud, this woman was arrogant, selfish, childish and greedy, she felt her blood boil. Sasha looked away, not wanting to look at the blonde.

But she was a demon.

Sasha shook her head, even if Furnace was a demon, that would no excuse her actions. She was still bad.


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806 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2014 4:20 am
Aley wrote a review...



Hi. I'm going to note things as I read then come back and make a sandwich if I have time. I'm going to censor swear words just for the sake of people reading the snippets of my reviews.

Standing up, still glaring at them. The figure seemed to chuckle at this “Oh? Do you really want to f--g do this”.

In my written grammar laws the period would go inside the quotation to make: "Oh? Do you really want to f--ing do this." Also, starting with 'do' indicates that it's a question, which means it would actually be another question mark. Due to 'Oh' being an expletive, you could go so far as to change it to: "Oh, do you really want to f--ing do this?" which would make it flow a bit smoother.

The first sentence in this is a fragment. "Standing up" is not a subject. Each sentence needs a subject and a predicate to make a complete sentence, otherwise it's considered a fragment. You could do two things: attach this fragment to the sentence before it, or add a subject.

The vampire didn't answer, holding her fists into a fighting position.

Into is an issue here. Into is typically like a person getting into a box, or some other form of entry. Here, she's just holding her fists in a fighting position.

She was suspended for a week and was the bad ass of middle school.

bad-a-- because it's a nickname which is being used as a single unit. Now if she was a bad 'donkey' or she had a bad butt, like she couldn't sit down, then it would be as you have it.

This had to be something like this.
I'm not really sure I understand the point of this sentence. What is this? The fight had to be something like the fight? You use this in both cases indicating the same object. If it was this had to be something like that, then I would understand that her fighting this idiot had to be something like punching the guy in 7th grade, but I'm not sure this qualifies as that.

The smell of smoke is always alarming someone, it's like it can drag you from a dream and crashing into reality.
I question you use of always alarming someone. This use of someone makes me think that all over the world at any second someone is being alarmed by smoke. You could phrase it "always alarms people. It's like it can..." and it would mean that it always alarms people when they smell it. Due to the use of is, which is, we begin to think continuously, and if something is continuously alarming someone then we don't know who it is alarming, but always, someone is being alarmed by smoke.

Try not to start sentences with And But or Or because they're conjunctions and they require a secondary part of the sentence. You can start sentences with and or but when you have two parts that you're flipping over. "And it was all okay, this story had a good plot" which could flip to "This story had a good plot, and it was all okay." If you can't do that with a sentence, you've just added a word that really doesn't need to be there, or split up a sentence into two parts subconsciously because the sentence was too long. Just erase the But or And or Or and continue.

I'd suggest reading this out loud and checking for commas that you're missing as well.

Overall I've shown you a few nitpicky things that you can change to improve the grammar of your story. I like that you don't have the typical super powered vampire. I dislike that she just suddenly starts getting mad at this guy beating her up instead of having been mad when we enter the story and finally growing enough of a back bone to try to attack back.




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Wed Jan 08, 2014 6:12 am
madisonmae wrote a review...



This story I thought was actually really interesting and definitely could be made into a book. You have a lot of action going on here and it keeps readers on the edges of their seats, tearing through your piece anxiously word by word. I have a few suggestions though, take them or leave them. I know how powerful cursing in writing can be and I curse in my stories all the time, but you really have to be careful. Swearing is only as powerful if used correctly and sparingly, not just sprinkled in throughout your writing wherever you feel it necessary. Yet, on the other hand it does help to create a definite voice for the main character and distinguish her from other characters so revise only to how you would like it. Also, it gets slightly confusing as you use "they" and "them" in place of "her" or "him". This is sometimes okay when talking about another character and not wanting to name the gender, but here it sounds like there are always multiple people and it is very confusing for the reader so perhaps consider revising this. Overall, I was really impressed with your writing! This was definitely a very interesting read and I you use incredible imagery and sensory details to paint a picture with your words through the show-not-tell method which is always hard to do, but you are very successful. DON'T STOP WRITING. You have a lot of talent and your imagination is huge so keep putting it all to good use!




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True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are.
— Brené Brown