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Immortal Discord {Part 1}

by ocw2021


As charred stone pressed against my palm, it disintegrated into dust before floating away in the gentle sea breeze. It was almost magical in a chilling, not at all pleasant way. Everything was charred now; the great fires of Europe had reduced the mighty continant to nothing more than a pile of ashes and left to age alone forever. Few still journeyed past the safety of their ships, scared the scarred land will harm them either mentally, images of the past still bouncing about in their nervous heads, or physically, with the dust and disease.

I couldn't blame those people -- they had reason to be afraid. I don't. The Transition began before I was born, and ended when I was only a year and a half old. I was one of the lucky few that survived, and though I was thankful for the chance I was given, it didn't come without a price.

Peeking over my shoulder, I gave my best friend a smile and found her smiling back at me. Had she been watching? Before I could ask, Emilia had circled around me.

"Did you hear me or were you spacing out again?"

"Uh..." I rubbed the back of my neck nervously.

"Finn." Emilia lectured. "You have to focus. The crew is counting on us, you know. Do you even remember what we're supposed to be doing here?"

"Gathering info on the terrain?"

"Good," She smiled again and I let out a little breath, glad she wasn't actually mad. "You listening now?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Follow me then," She cocked her head towards west side of the small Island we were exploring. "You're gonna want to see this."


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Sat Jul 24, 2021 10:48 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

As charred stone pressed against my palm, it disintegrated into dust before floating away in the gentle sea breeze. It was almost magical in a chilling, not at all pleasant way. Everything was charred now; the great fires of Europe had reduced the mighty continant to nothing more than a pile of ashes and left to age alone forever. Few still journeyed past the safety of their ships, scared the scarred land will harm them either mentally, images of the past still bouncing about in their nervous heads, or physically, with the dust and disease.


Well, that appears to be a description of a land that's been through a bit of an apocalypse of sorts here, definitely sounds like a place that a lot of people wouldn't want to visit there. It looks like a place with a pretty dangerous past here...pretty choice of opening paragraph here.

I couldn't blame those people -- they had reason to be afraid. I don't. The Transition began before I was born, and ended when I was only a year and a half old. I was one of the lucky few that survived, and though I was thankful for the chance I was given, it didn't come without a price.

Peeking over my shoulder, I gave my best friend a smile and found her smiling back at me. Had she been watching? Before I could ask, Emilia had circled around me.


Okay, interesting term there for whatever caused this whole issue with people being terrified in that place..and well, looks like our protagonist comes from a time much later than this event and is not scared of it and appears to perhaps be venturing into it by the sounds of things, well, that does make things quite interesting here too, nice little point to be starting on here.

"Did you hear me or were you spacing out again?"

"Uh..." I rubbed the back of my neck nervously.

"Finn." Emilia lectured. "You have to focus. The crew is counting on us, you know. Do you even remember what we're supposed to be doing here?"


Hmm, spacing out like that and forgetting what they're supposed to be doing sounds like the work of a properly terrible captain so as wholesome as that interaction between friends is and as nice of a friendship as it appears, some good dialogue there, it doesn't seem like this is a very good captain here, you do want to try and make it seem like this one does know what they're doing.

"Gathering info on the terrain?"

"Good," She smiled again and I let out a little breath, glad she wasn't actually mad. "You listening now?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Follow me then," She cocked her head towards west side of the small Island we were exploring. "You're gonna want to see this."


OKay....the classic "you're gonna wanna see this" line being used there to end the chapter, that's always a fun one, especially cause it does manage to effectively do the job of making you want to read on with the story...on the whole a neat little end there...its a decent looking first part here. It sounds like a story I would perhaps read here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat Dec 21, 2013 7:45 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, ocw2021.

Good Comments: I love the story so far. When it comes to historical fiction, I become hooked on something I am interested in. I was very interested in yours. I wanna read more of this story.

SO keep updating please xD

Bad Comments: The first sentence doesn't catch the reader's attention much, also it is a sentence fragment.

There are some errors in the spelling, like "Continant" (should be spelled "Continent")
There is also a capitalization error in "Island" (which is suppose to be "island")

When putting dialogue in a story, make sure you put "Finn", Emilia lectured... etc instead of ending the dialogue with periods.

Lastly,

"Good," She smiled again and I let out a little breath, glad she wasn't actually mad. "You listening now?"


You should insert the word "that" between glad and she.

Keep up the good work!

-K




ocw2021 says...


Thanks for your comments!



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Sat Dec 21, 2013 7:28 am
RoachRedford! wrote a review...



This piece is very short, which makes it a little difficult to provide useful feedback but I'll give you my two cents!

I think this is a good atmospheric piece of writing. You manage to create a feeling that is certainly not happy, but isn't bleak or hopeless either. It's a feeling of calm and mourning and I really like it. If this is an alternate history (and I only say this because you mention 'The Transition', which is mysterious) then I think you would do well to establish this early in the piece to avoid confusion. You mention Europe but don't really place this piece within a European context, it would be nice to have an idea of where we were!

Overall, this piece shows a lot of promise and is super intriguing. I can't wait to read more and see if you can keep up the awesome atmosphere throughout!




ocw2021 says...


Thanks for your comments!



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Sat Dec 21, 2013 6:35 am
jcbutterrtoast wrote a review...



Intriguing...

First off (before I forget):

1. continant=continent

2. "Finn." Emilia lectured. "You have to focus. = "Finn," Emilia lectured,"You have to focus.

3. "Follow me then," = "Follow me then."

The only reason I bothered to point them all out is because you have so few, which makes this a very smooth read (: While I genuinely enjoyed reading this (I'm curious as to what happens next!) I think it is a bit wordy, cluttered with unnecessary adverbs and prep. phrases. I think you have a great plot going for you, and this could be a real gem with some polish!




ocw2021 says...


Thanks for your comments




We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind