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Plus Wind - Prologue

by TiffanyHe


Prologue

The boy made his way through the long grass thinking whilst watching the grass shrivel and die. He hung his head low as he recalled what she had said:

‘Fire is evil, you can’t help that, and that means you are evil.’

Go away water Marina, he thought. Clutching his head he smoothed his fiery red hair. He sensed the presence of someone hiding in the trees.

‘I know you are there water girl.’ He called.

‘So what if I am? And don’t call me by that name!’ She called back.

‘I presume you are not regretting what you said?’

‘No, not at all, because it is simply the truth!’

‘Only you would say that, I will tell Mira!’

‘Ha! Threatening me with my weaknesses, how childish! Anyway you know Mira is begging at my heels!

You could tell there was fear in her voice; she needed to be careful to see if Mira was around to scold her. He growled at her furiously. She just laughed. He knew he was weak to her and had to walk away. He felt something, is it a storm? No… It was death. Everyone was evacuated-even the leader, and he could withstand death.


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Sat Jul 24, 2021 11:39 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The boy made his way through the long grass thinking whilst watching the grass shrivel and die. He hung his head low as he recalled what she had said:

‘Fire is evil, you can’t help that, and that means you are evil.’


Hmm, well, that's off to a bit of a sad start there with that sort of note being what is highlighted at the very beginning. We have ourselves what looks to be a person whose powers have been called evil by somebody and through some reason or the other it looks like these powers are in fact causing the life around this person to die here...so...lots of interesting points there right at the start.

Go away water Marina, he thought. Clutching his head he smoothed his fiery red hair. He sensed the presence of someone hiding in the trees.

‘I know you are there water girl.’ He called.

‘So what if I am? And don’t call me by that name!’ She called back.


Okay, well that does look like a bit of a different sort of squabble there, I was expecting for this to have a bit more of a serious note but now it looks like this person is arguing back just as much and it appears to be some sort of ongoing argument where both parties are calling each other all sorts of things.

‘I presume you are not regretting what you said?’

‘No, not at all, because it is simply the truth!’

‘Only you would say that, I will tell Mira!’

‘Ha! Threatening me with my weaknesses, how childish! Anyway you know Mira is begging at my heels!


Alright, well that was a tiny bit childish there, with the threat to report things to someone else there...rather than the two of them discussing things among themselves there, but well, at any rate, it looks like we have a pretty interesting argument going on here at the moment and both of these characters are perhaps opposites with the whole fire and water thing going on here. Well, this is off to a pretty interesting start here.

You could tell there was fear in her voice; she needed to be careful to see if Mira was around to scold her. He growled at her furiously. She just laughed. He knew he was weak to her and had to walk away. He felt something, is it a storm? No… It was death. Everyone was evacuated-even the leader, and he could withstand death.


Aaaand that ended on a much more escalated note than I was expecting there, oh wow, well, things are certainly ending on a very powerful note there with that declaration, it looks like some sort of mass apocalypse situation going on here and people look to be preparing for death here...well, definitely a lovely cliffhanger to end a prologue on there. At any rate, this seems like a story that I would read here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu Nov 28, 2013 1:21 am
Snowery wrote a review...



Hey TiffanyHe!! Silver here to review your piece! :)
Since Questio and Cirute have mainly reviewed your gramma, I'll have a go at your content. First of all, I know that this is a prologue and it's not supposed to contain too much information and leave the reader intrigued. However I am left more confused than intrigued. The story starts off with the boy remembering what Marina said then all of a sudden they start conversing about it. When he says:‘I presume you are not regretting what you said?’ how does she know that he meant that particular line? They don't seem to be on good terms so I presume that she has said many regrettable things to him, so how does she know that he means that line? I think it might have made more sense if he noticed her then she says: ‘Fire is evil, you can’t help that, and that means you are evil.’ and the conversation ensues. They're actual conversation makes sense and is pretty good. The following paragraph was great until this line appeared: " Everyone was evacuated-even the leader, and he could withstand death."
Everyone? who is everyone? From what I've read the boy seems to be wondering in a glade, forest or some other deserted place. You've made no mention of a town or village so far.
I really hope that I don't sound harsh. I just want you to get the best of your story. Your characters seem interesting and from what I could discern so does your plot. Just make sure you reread and try to imagine that you don't know what your story is about. I think that this has a lot of potential. Happy writing!!! :) :)

Silverlock




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Wed Nov 27, 2013 9:53 pm
Cirute wrote a review...



I concur with Questio, your wording is somewhat rough. I would like to see more of this though, for it seems quite interesting. With better wording and flow, this has potential to be a very good story. Also, you might want to add commas in some places, it will give the story better flow.




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Wed Nov 27, 2013 9:20 pm
Questio wrote a review...



Hey there! Welcome to YWS! Here for a quick little review.
Since there really isn't much story in this little bit, I'm going to focus on the flow of your wording, which I found a little rough.
In the first sentence, instead of saying "whilst" just say "as he". It reads better and sounds more natural with the rest of the sentence structure. That word just seemed to stick out a little, and the only words that should do that are names or really important parts.
I would re-write the second sentence just because, again, it reads sort of roughly. Try taking out "as he" this time [Ha ha, right after I said to add it into the part before!] and make "recalled" "recalling". The smoother way to word it would be "He hung his head low, {notice the comma} recalling what she said." Notice the removal of the word "had" and replacing the colon with a period.
I would combine the next paragraph-sentence with the first one, just to make it look good and read better. Take away the quotation marks and italicize to make it more of a 'we're-looking-into-his-memories-because-the-story-is-told-in-third-person-limited' feeling.
Now, the dialogue that he's remembering itself isn't bad, just because it's dialogue and that may be how the character speaks, but is sounds more natural to say if you make it two sentences. "Fire is evil, you can't help that. That means you are evil" rolls out of the mouth better. [Quick hint with dialogue: Say it aloud. It may feel weird, but you will find that a majority of the time it sounds like you're speaking way to fancy for the character. Or not fancy enough. Whatever.]
The next few words just confused me. Add some punctuation in to explain why the word "water" is in there. Also, thoughts are generally italicized.
How do you clutch your head and smooth down your hair at the same time? I just tried it, and now my cat is looking at me weird.
Make the sensing of a presence more dramatic. Add in "Suddenly" or something like that to make it seem like it is actually happening, and we (the reader) are not just listening to it.
The dialogue back-and-forth just needs some love. Use my earlier hint about speaking it.
Clumping the last part all together... It's confusing. Explain the feeling he has. What do you mean by everyone was evacuated? Give us some background on what is happening, not just the boy's feelings about it. Sometimes that's good, but other times you just need to know what the heck is happening, and I couldn't discern anything. Also, work some more on adding in punctuation and smoothing out the flow.
Hope I wasn't too critical! If you have any questions just PM me, and I'll answer as soon as I can!
~Questio~





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