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Realm of Darkness - Prologue

by ZacsAttack


A snowy mist swept through the glistening night, obscuring all that could have been seen. Stars were not present. Not anymore, nor were they ever there. All was peaceful, calm, giving probable false sense of security. The smell of the night was neutral, nothing but the fog could be smelt, nor could anything be tasted in this desolate landscape. Alone in the dark, a shrouded humanoid figure clicked their way, never stopping to look around, not that there was anything to gawk at. The figure was darkly dressed, a hood preventing anyone looking at their face. Burning ruby eyes ignited the path in the night, gleaming like lighted orbs, almost floating in the darkness. The hood was tugged off the figures face with a quick flick of the hand, a small gesture of comfort in the eyes of the person whom chuckled in malicious delight. The time had almost arrived, granted the pendulum had swung slower this time around but that would have to do. ((This is only the begining of the Prologue, I just want to know if I am on the right track, reviews are welcome and in fact are encouraged :) I hope it sounds okay and please leave some constructive critisism :) -Zac ))


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Thu Jul 22, 2021 8:50 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

A snowy mist swept through the glistening night, obscuring all that could have been seen. Stars were not present. Not anymore, nor were they ever there. All was peaceful, calm, giving probable false sense of security. The smell of the night was neutral, nothing but the fog could be smelt, nor could anything be tasted in this desolate landscape. Alone in the dark, a shrouded humanoid figure clicked their way, never stopping to look around, not that there was anything to gawk at. The figure was darkly dressed, a hood preventing anyone looking at their face. Burning ruby eyes ignited the path in the night, gleaming like lighted orbs, almost floating in the darkness. The hood was tugged off the figures face with a quick flick of the hand, a small gesture of comfort in the eyes of the person whom chuckled in malicious delight. The time had almost arrived, granted the pendulum had swung slower this time around but that would have to do.


Okay, we have ourselves what looks to be a pretty cool little prologue here, there's certainly seems to be a lot of very interesting things going on in this scene right from the very beginning and I do really like how mysterious the whole thing manages to come off as here, that definitely adds towards making this on the whole a better prologue.

Surprisingly enough, this being just a single paragraph is actually kind of alright in this situation, that's not something I say too often, but in this case, despite the blob of text, the only thing that happens is that its a bit tough to read, the flow of the story manages to still be quite alright here.

Overall, its a really solid prologue here. We have a lovely little setting established quite nicely, despite how short things are, I love how fleshed out the surroundings and we have a mysterious figure with a promise of some mysterious things to come here. I really did like this prologue here, and it sounds like the type of story that I would in fact go on to read here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu Sep 05, 2013 1:44 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Okay, this is really rough. I don't mean in the stage of writing; I mean reading wise. Second sentence is awkward, just doesn't feel right. Third sentence, after that second comma it's just really uncomfortable to read. Fourth sentence is a comma splice, and I don't like how it's worded. Fifth sentence, that last phrase needs to be isolated into a separate sentence or removed. It's just like an extra sentence you're trying to say in the same breath, and reading it, I felt forced to pinch it into the same sentence. Sentences 6-7 were fine, 8th sentence, the "whom" should be "who". And the last sentence is way too awkward beyond that comma. That entire last segment needs to be fixed.
I know this review isn't the most grammatically correct thing, but I just wrote it as it came to me. I don't edit/proof-read my reviews, but I'm not trying to be hypocritical by giving you Grammar pointers while writing trash myself.

Writing tip: go through this, and highlight every time you use "was" and "were". Delete them, and make your sentence grammatically correct. That will cement this a whole lot more, and will improve the quality of the writing. Too many state of being verbs will kill the story, even in a prologue.
Hope this helps!

Shout out to 'Chi: Curse it, I was here first! Haha, jk dude. Sorry, Zacsattack, that had nothing to do with you.




Malachi says...


What? Hey, he didn't info dump you so . . . I'm having some trouble with that right now! And I'm not too happy about it.





I started my review before you, but you had the gall to post yours before mine and snag the first review points. You little giraffe...*grumbles, mutters, snarls*. ;)
With what? Info dumping? Email me your problems, my friend.



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Thu Sep 05, 2013 1:35 am
Messenger wrote a review...



Hey, unlike most prologues this one is not an info dump about the history of your story, which is great. Your description of the setting is superb. Even the little bit about there being no taste in the air, it just gives more detail for the reader to know how the setting is for the character. You do a good job of giving the character a mystical appearance.


This sentence confuses me though, and it should be figure's, not figures.
The hood was tugged off the figures face with a quick flick of the hand, a small gesture of comfort in the eyes of the person whom chuckled in malicious delight.

Is this sentence saying that the figure chuckled maliciously because of the comfort taking off the hood felt?
Besides that it's a catching start.
Keep it up!





'Hush, hush!' I whispered; 'people can have many cousins and of all sorts, Miss Cathy, without being any the worse for it; only they needn't keep their company, if they be disagreeable and bad.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights