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Terry

by bookworm243


Have you ever felt all alone, with no one to sit by you and say 'its ok you have me and you aren't as alone as you feel' well in my case it wasn't like that. Its was people telling me how useless and stupid I was. That all changed when I found Terry.

Terry was nice and kind and seemed to have the same longing as I had, to be loved and cherished and so we fitted well together for a while, we first met when I was working in Frankie's , now I am not complaining because it was a job but it was a dingy, smelly little café with the most food you could find and I got paid so yeah. but one day a customer walked in and went to the counter 'here we go' I mumbled to myself because Frank always made a joke out of me to his customers so he could scam more money out of them, but today this customer was different because when Frankie went to make a joke out of me this mystery customer came out and said ' do you have no shame? no regard for any other life human or not? I feel so sorry for you making your self look so stupid every time someone walks to this very counter where you try to make a joke out of this lovely girl. you make me sick' for a while everyone was so shocked that they couldn't say a word but then this mystery customer came over to me and said ' come with me I promise you will be happier '

once he said this I didn't know what to do so as a last resort I studied him, he was about 6 foot and has deep tanned skin with bright blue eyes to match but also was very muscular, he looked about 19 so what did he want with me? then out of the blue ' I am Terry '


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Thu Jul 22, 2021 8:21 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Have you ever felt all alone, with no one to sit by you and say 'its ok you have me and you aren't as alone as you feel' well in my case it wasn't like that. Its was people telling me how useless and stupid I was. That all changed when I found Terry.


Well, this is off to an interesting start, the feeling of not having anyone to sit next to you and the loneliness this person feels is quite nicely presented here right off the bat...and I do like the bit of hope we have there at the end as this guy mentions that there was someone that actually changed things around there.

Terry was nice and kind and seemed to have the same longing as I had, to be loved and cherished and so we fitted well together for a while, we first met when I was working in Frankie's , now I am not complaining because it was a job but it was a dingy, smelly little café with the most food you could find and I got paid so yeah. but one day a customer walked in and went to the counter 'here we go' I mumbled to myself because Frank always made a joke out of me to his customers so he could scam more money out of them, but today this customer was different because when Frankie went to make a joke out of me this mystery customer came out and said ' do you have no shame? no regard for any other life human or not? I feel so sorry for you making your self look so stupid every time someone walks to this very counter where you try to make a joke out of this lovely girl. you make me sick' for a while everyone was so shocked that they couldn't say a word but then this mystery customer came over to me and said ' come with me I promise you will be happier '


Well that was not an angle that I was expecting things to be taking here...but...it does look like a pretty wholesome sounding start here, it is a little bit confusing sounding here, potentially due to the fact that we haven't gotten too much paragraphing happening here for the dialogue. So, you may want to look into that. Other than that, once the full dialogue is actually deciphered its pretty interesting to see. The ending of that whole "come with me for more happiness" sounds a tad over dramatic but its not too bad there.

once he said this I didn't know what to do so as a last resort I studied him, he was about 6 foot and has deep tanned skin with bright blue eyes to match but also was very muscular, he looked about 19 so what did he want with me? then out of the blue ' I am Terry


Well, this is a pretty neat description, but something I just noticed throughout this story is that it doesn't quite flow very well from paragraph to paragraph, it kinda seems to jump around more than anything else. It seems like an interesting premise here, but it needs a bit of ironing out before it can reach its proper potential here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 8:28 am
abbie651382 wrote a review...



Hi! Abbie's here for a review. :)

First off, you categorized this as a novel and I was surprised to see that it's too short for a novel chapter. Maybe, you could clarify next time if this a chapter or just a prologue.

Second, your very first "sentence" is actually two sentences. The first one is a question and the second one is a statement. Here: "Have you ever felt all alone, with no one to sit by you and say 'its ok you have me and you aren't as alone as you feel'? Well, in my case it wasn't like that."

In your second sentence, however, there was just a slight correction. "Its was people telling me how useless and stupid I was." should be " It was the people who tell me how useless and stupid I was."

I was just a little confused with your first paragraph because you asked in the first sentence if the readers felt alone and in your second sentence you said it wasn't your case. The third sentence doesn't seem to agree with your first two sentences. I think you meant people saying 'its ok you have me and you aren't as alone as you feel' to you wasn't your case - which was not the topic of your first sentence. The second sentence must jive with the topic of the first sentence to make it clear. Rephrase maybe?

In your second paragraph, the first sentence was just too long! Maybe you could split it into multiple sentences than overcrowd your ideas in just one sentence.

There's just a lot to proofread and I won't go deeper into it. You have the idea and it has a potential for a great story. Clean it up and I'd love to see how this story will unfold. :D

Hope this helps :)




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Wed Aug 14, 2013 4:10 pm
Jcsmooth wrote a review...



Hiya ^_^

The mystery is Terry I assume, I wish I had a better description of him. My style of reviewing is not to pick apart your writing, I like too encourage you to write better. I am VERY new to stories just written my first one today. It took me over 2 hours to punctuate it and I missed somethings still. In poetry you can get away with punctuation if done correctly, stories I am afraid do not work like that.

It is a very daunting task to write a story as I have found out. If you would like ANY help just message me and I'll be glad to offer any amateur advice I am able to give. I found out that italicizing inner thoughts works wonder for the readers. Also the " is better to use for speech than '

All in all I'd love to see you work more on this and clean it up and even make it longer!

JC




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Wed Aug 14, 2013 3:57 pm
InfiniteSnowfall wrote a review...



Hi, Snow here to review your work!

First off, you put this in the novel category, so is this a prologue or chapter one? Just curious. So, to be honest, I tried reading the entire thing, but it got really confusing and hard to read.

It started in the second paragraph. That paragraph has little to none punctuation or grammar to make it easier to read. Grammar makes writing overall flow better. That paragraph should have been at least three smaller paragraphs. You have a lot of run-on sentences in there. To me, it looks like a bunch of words scrambled together in a bunch.

I won't go through all of this writing and try to explain to you the basics of writing because:
1. It would take a lot of my time to type that all out.
2. You probably wouldn't want to read it all.
3. You should know how to use basic spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Haven't you learned that in school?

All I'm going to say is that you should look at this piece and compare it to a published book. What does the published book have that your writing doesn't? I'm just talking about the structure, not the plot and characters. You could also just look up online the basics of creative writing or something. And if you don't want to take your writing seriously, why post it on a writing website? Just saying.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh. I didn't mean to come off that way. Good luck!





A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.
— Oscar Wilde