Young Writers Society

"Foul, mindless shadow.

You broke my father.

He nearly broke me,

yet he was kind; you were not."

There should be another comma between mindless and shadow.
The commas and periods seem to be confused.

"Foul, mindless shadow.

You broke my father,

He nearly broke me.

Yet, he was kind; you were not."

"
Alas, I will not be broken.

Sometimes,

my hands shake.

There is too much of him in me.

Sometimes,

my faith is shaken.

There is too little of him in me."
This is perfect and powerful PLEASE do not change a thing about this!

" I wish to forget those bouts" I don't know if you meant bouts or doubts.

This was very powerful to me. I don't know what angle you're coming from but I myself lost my Uncle a few years ago. He was like a father to me. My own dad and I are now okay but back the. My uncle was my best friend and father like figure. He died of alcoholism. It is something that runs in my family and I fear all the time I will end up like them. I want to be as happy as he was but he might have not have been so happy. I have even suspected he might have been abusive towards my aunt, which I never would have thought about if it wasn't for some recent events. I am wondering if this man I loved so much could be a lie and I don't know what side I want to believe in. I think of him when I read this.
F
A
T
H
E
R
I don't know what to believe anymore but this was comforting in ways that maybe it shouldn't have been. I feel the need to thank you.
Thank you.

Hello, I know this poem is several months old, but since you've been giving me such wonderful, informative reviews I wanted to look into what you've written. I know very little about poetry, so don't expect a fabulous review that's going to blow your mind because I can almost promise you that this sentence will be longer than my criticism.
I like that format of your poem; how it is acrostic and yet there are stanzas. You managed to sneak that in there in a subtle way and it reflects your theme.
Your narrator is conflicted and it's excellent that instead of simply writing "I am conflicted" you weave your words to mean the same thing. You show, but you do not tell. This is something many writers struggle to do and you manage it well!
Your words flow well throughout the poem. It reads elegantly and clearly.

I never knew you, now I wish it was still naught.

Ohh Paragraph acrostic poetry. Let's get to reviewing!

So on first impressions i'm guessing that you're talking to someone, from the first stanza. I originally thought you were talking to your father, but then I realised you were not. Maybe a mother figure, or a grandparent or sibling? Well anyway on to reviewing

The poem doesn't really seem to flow well, and seems sort of mushed together. Towards the end of the poem where you get angrier, you could probably lighten up on the punctuation because anger is not slow paced.

Now as a reader, I also got a slight bit confused with the second and third last paragraphs. I can't really understand what you're trying to say here. I guess it's about going back in time and fixing mistakes, but I don't see how it fits in with the the rest of the poem.

I liked the last paragraph. It is hard to admit you admire someone that you shouldn't, even to a group of mostly online strangers . I would have liked to see more emotions in this paragraph, especially around the last few words, because they carry so much emotion.

But overall I liked your poem, and i'm just nit-picking

Hi there Birkhoff. Nite here to review this piece for the Green Lanterns this fine Review Day!

Overall, I really like this. It has some strong emotion and good imagery.

However, I too was rather confused about the voices until I read your explanation below. Knowing that, it makes sense, but perhaps make it clearer in the poem. Perhaps some references to "you" being older or dead (I'm not sure which)?

I never knew you, now I wish it was still naught.

However, I know you now, I have

One photograph.

I look like him.

There is no escaping it; I wish I could.

One photograph.

I look like you.

I am neither.

Girl, first of all, this should be your ending:

Break the mirror.

I am standing on a ruin.

He would agree, remove the bleakness,

find the defaults.

Pick the right shots.

I can’t see, come nearer.

Sometimes,

my hands shake.

There is too much of him in me.

Sometimes,

my faith is shaken.

There is too little of him in me.

Hmm.

I love, love the idea of this poem, and I'm surprised it got on the front page with only one review. (Am I seeing things correctly? ;P) Spelling things with sentences is very cool to me.

The execution is a tad clunky, however. I don't know exactly what's going on (the protag's father was in the Navy and turned to booze? It comes across, but it's not entirely clear) and instead of everything flowing naturally, you sometimes sacrifice flow for your hidden message.

I do like the emotion in the poem--you have, at least, brought the protagonist's character to the forefront. His thoughts, his feelings are what drives this poem, so may you should play around with those until you can arrange them in a way that makes sense. The flows well, I mean, because it is possible to have flow and meaning all at once. (I remember one of SparkofDoubt's poems where she told a story and blew me away with the hidden message.

....I would link it, but I can't find it. :c)

I like your punctuation, your line spacing, you emphases.

All in all, good poem. Could use some work, though. Good job! I would walk away from this, personally, and come back in a few years (because you'll have matured as an author by then).

Wish I could tell you a bit more; I feel like there's more to say, but I don't know how to say it.

Edit: Meant to say, I don't see how your title relates to the piece itself.

Hello, K here to review your poem! Hopefully this is helpful!

Let me begin with your strengths. I love, love, love the way the first letter of every stanza spelled out father, and the way you made those letters bold helped a lot. Overall, it wasn't distracting at all and ended up working really, really nicely. Another strength you have is word choice, for the most part. Nine times out of ten, your words are beautiful and strong. Also, your last two lines really helped the poem overall. They weren't distracting, like breaking the pattern normally is, and they added a lot of depth to the speaker. Last, I loved the theme you've presented here, and I could tell this came from the heart.

Moving on the weaknesses now. I know I just said I loved your theme, but it could use a little tightening up. I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to convey here, and to me the story is unclear. The poem is just a little too vague, even if the theme is strong and well thought out.

One thing that is driving me absolutely crazy is the fact that the stanzas are all different lengths and have no real structure. There is only a trickle, not a flow. If you rearranged words so each stanza was the same length, it would increase the poem's awesomeness by a lot.

Other than that though, I don't see any real big problems here! This is a good poem, and I really liked it! I hope you keep writing!