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Wild

by melagnes17


How can I feel so alive while everyone else is sleeping? Our bodies are like machines—programmed to wake with the sun and sleep with the moon. But somehow the clock inside me is reversed and the moon becomes my sun.

I just sat there in my dark room staring up at the ceiling trying to find a way to fall asleep, but all I ended up doing was watching to time change on my clock. Every night I was so unexplainably restless. How romantic would it have been if I was some talented artist or poet—suffering through the day to come alive with creative energy from the moonlight?

But I was a cursedly horrible artist and writer even at three o’clock in the morning. I’ve tried it. Still, I have this aching feeling inside me that I’m supposed to be doing something other than watching the minutes fly by.

I could always take the boring logical route and say I have insomnia or some other sleep disorder, but I know I don’t.

I’m not tired right now; my body doesn’t crave sleep like it should. There’s so many things I should be doing…I should be sleeping…I should be studying for school…And according to my mom, I should be listening to her.

But I can’t, for what is there to do when you live in the middle of nowhere with your mind in a galaxy far away from everyone else’s. What do you do when there is nothing to do?

You run away.


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Thu Jul 29, 2021 6:10 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

How can I feel so alive while everyone else is sleeping? Our bodies are like machines—programmed to wake with the sun and sleep with the moon. But somehow the clock inside me is reversed and the moon becomes my sun.

I just sat there in my dark room staring up at the ceiling trying to find a way to fall asleep, but all I ended up doing was watching to time change on my clock. Every night I was so unexplainably restless. How romantic would it have been if I was some talented artist or poet—suffering through the day to come alive with creative energy from the moonlight?


Well, that's an interesting point to start with there....it sounds like someone who's got some form of sleeping disorder perhaps and therefore can't go to sleep although the talk of how their sleep cycle is somehow reversed as compared to most people does suggest there's perhaps more to this than what it appears to be at first glance...I'm almost getting some sort of vampire vibes here, especially with the title that we have for this piece.

But I was a cursedly horrible artist and writer even at three o’clock in the morning. I’ve tried it. Still, I have this aching feeling inside me that I’m supposed to be doing something other than watching the minutes fly by.

I could always take the boring logical route and say I have insomnia or some other sleep disorder, but I know I don’t.


Well, the whole being a horrible artist at midnight despite the cliche of people doing fantastic art and poetry in the moonlight and such is a lovely relatable piece there...to give us a glimpse at what sort of personality this person has here. But well, it looks like my suspicions could be right there, if that last bit about how the boring logical route of this being a sleep disorder is not actually what's going on for this person.

I’m not tired right now; my body doesn’t crave sleep like it should. There’s so many things I should be doing…I should be sleeping…I should be studying for school…And according to my mom, I should be listening to her.

But I can’t, for what is there to do when you live in the middle of nowhere with your mind in a galaxy far away from everyone else’s. What do you do when there is nothing to do?

You run away.


Well that ending was certainly not quite what I was expecting to run into there...but well, I would say that I'm not disappointed there with what's actually revealed at the end cause we've got ourselves a pretty vague sounding and rather mysterious couple of points to end on here. It certainly seems to hint at some pretty exciting things happening...and it definitely makes you want to find out more here. Overall, a pretty solid piece this one. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri May 24, 2013 7:29 pm
Kaylyn wrote a review...



Ok. I didn't find any grammatical mistakes in your work. However, I did notice the abundance of "filler" words littered throughout. An example of this:
"I just sat there in my dark room staring up at the ceiling trying to find a way to fall asleep, but all I ended up doing was watching to time change on my clock."
I sat in my dark room staring at the ceiling trying to fall asleep, but all I did was watch time change on my clock.
See what I mean? Write with purpose. Fill the pages with meaningful words.

Something else, ellipses can be useful. Here however, I think you could do fine without. End the thoughts with a period, or combine them with a comma.

"I’m not tired right now; my body doesn’t crave sleep like it should."
The ; here isn't necessary. A comma will do.

Your use of imagery here is great. I found nothing lacking in that department. Keep working with it, and keep writing.
~Kay




melagnes17 says...


Thank you!



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Fri May 24, 2013 4:47 pm
Rurouni wrote a review...



Ohh, I really liked this!

I like how you told us about how our bodies are programmed, it showed us a hint to the next sentence, that I liked.

And, when you go "...I should be sleeping...I should be studying for school...And according to my mom..."

I liked that too!

I can't find anything wrong with it on my part.

I love how you simply made it not one of those "The Moon is the creative energy." This screams creativity in your writing. Its unique and I would simply love more!

Keep me posted! I will see if I can find anything wrong with it, but at the moment I can't!

Thanks,
pegasusgirl2




melagnes17 says...


wow thanks so much!



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Fri May 24, 2013 12:10 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

Okay, for a first post I have to say this is really good. I like you're writing style. You kept me interested the whole time despite the fact that this is just describing someone's feelings. This is the kind of stuff I usually skip over when I read novels. But you did a good job making this interesting.I hope this is the start of something great! :)

So now I'm going to focus on some ways that you can make this better.

How can I feel so alive when everyone else is sleeping?

*this is such a good opening line. I've been on this site for two years and for those two years I've been preaching about good opening lines. You have nailed it my friend! It's a great line and it really pulls the reader in. I do wish you had left it as it's own line though. I don't like that you made it part of a paragraph. See, if it just stands on it's own, it gives more effect. It's like, this is the one thing your character focuses on the most; the fact that they can't sleep. Play around with it nd see if you can work it out so this line stands by itself.

I just sat there in my dark room staring up at the ceiling trying to find a way to fall asleep, but all I ended up doing was watching to time change on my clock.

*I can't decide if this is a run on or not. It's and of long, but that might just be my opinion. Who knows. Anyway, I think it would be better written like this:

I just sat there in the dark of my room, staring up at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep. But I would get restless and check the time. Only minutes had gone by since I last checked.

I think it sounds better this way. And you're painting a bigger picture with this as well. You've shown the true struggle of not being able to sleep. It's not just the fact that sleep won't come. It's also the tossing and turning, the constant want for it to be morning, and the horrible realization that almost no time has passed. See how you can really get into the feeling of something just by adding a few words?

Every night I was so unexplainably restless.

*now, I know you've heard of show don't tell. I mean, what writer hasn't? It's been beaten into our brains since we first but pen to paper. Well, this is telling, not showing. It's fine to have this because, let's be honest, writers have to tell some too. If you add something after this sentence, it'll give it a little something more. Like maybe "show" how the character's fingers are playing with the loose thread on the comforter or how the character is constantly flipping the pillow over to find the right temperature.

There’s so many things I should be doing…I should be sleeping…I should be studying for school…And according to my mom, I should be listening to her.

*first off, it should be 'There are' not 'There's'. Second, I'm not a fan of the ellipses here. I think this would work better as a list; put a semi-colon after the word doing and then separate the other things with commas. Then start a whole new sentence when you reach 'And according to my mom...'. Third, the part that I bolded really bothers me. I don't see a relationship between the other things and listening to his/her mother. Maybe you could find some other way to slip that part in? For example, say that he/she wants someone to talk to and considers going to his/her parents. But he/she knows it's a lost cause because the mother would simply give her own opinion and expect it to be accepted. Just a suggestion.

You have an issue with your tenses at the beginning of this. I was going to quote those places, but I didn't want to clog up the review. The first paragraph is in present tense, but the rest is in past tense. And there are a few times throughout that you switched between tenses. I'm sure that you'll find everything once you read through this again.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this. You did a good job and with a couple small changes, this can be a great piece. Again, I really, really liked this.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




melagnes17 says...


This is so helpful! Yeah my grammar and tense is horrible haha but I'm working on it!




Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind