Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

In the town of Winters Fall , Maria Rosalee was getting ready for her tenth birthday and all of her family members were soon to come. She quickly put on her favorite red and black , short-sleeved dress. Maria put her hair up in ponytail and started to walk to the door of her bedroom ; but turned back around to get her favorite teddybear , Mr. Brown Bear.

"Maria,hurry up." Maria turned to see that her mother was in the doorway waiting for the birthday girl to walk up to her. Maria knew her mother was a women that didn't have enough patience to wait on her child.

"Yes,ma'am! I am coming this minute." Maria walked out of her bedroom as her mother took away Mr.Brown Bear."Give him back!"

"A lady shouldn't care such a thing to her birthday." Maria's mother tossed the bear into the child's room , but it froze before it touched the floor. It made its way to Maria and it landed into her hands.

"Touch Mr. Brown Bear again and i'll......" Before Maria could finish, her father picked her up.Maria's anger subsidded as her father began tickling her. "Papa...You made it!"

"Of course! I wouldn't miss it for the world!"Maria wrapped her small arms around her father's neck and gave him a big squeeze. After a minute of hugging his daughter, Maria's father then looked at her mother. The stared at each other so passionatly that even Maria could tell that they still liked each other. The one question she had was; Why did they leave eack other?

Hi there!

I think this is a very interesting beginning and I like the characters you have created; Maria seams like a really sweet little girl with a horrible bossy mother. These are good characters you have created but I think you need to tell us a bit more about them before you finish the chapter. I thought this was a great start but it seams unfinished? Every chapter must end with something exiting to force the reader to read on. I feel that there wasn't much of a story line in this chapter so I would extend it?
Try to carry on by talking about why her parents split up? What happens at the birthday party? More info about Maria and Mr Brown perhaps?
I think if you extend this it will really be a very interesting story and so far its looking good! Just keep up with it and add more mystery and tension to get your readers attention!

Hope this helps, Happy July Christmas!

Keep Writing,

*~Annapurna~*

Hello Anmarie, one review from me.

As Tabithalillian focused a lot on the storytelling I'm not going to do the same and instead talk about the characters. But first I must say that there are some typing errors that you should correct, they aren't serious but just read the text again and you will find them. Also I must say that you repeat a lot Maria's name which can become a bit annoying so just replace it with "she" or "the girl" from time to time.

I really like Maria, she looks sweet and innocent, her second name of Rosalee and also the fact that she carries her teddy bear around improve this picture a lot. However she becomes confusing for the reader in the last part of the story, the anger with which she talks to her mother is not very natural to a child who spoke so humbly two paragraphs before. Also her anger disappears instantly when her father comes and she asks herself why they left each other which is a very strange question to hear from a ten years old girl. This sudden changes in her behavior makes me wonder if her powers somehow changed her or if her past left her with some scars.

Her mother is a very authoritarian woman and that certainly had an impact on her daughter, her expectations sending me back in the 16th century Italy, there is a book on the subject but I will send you a PM. Actually the whole story sends me in that period. That's why it's very important to give the readers some temporal and spacial description so as to help them understand better the characters. Her mother is not shocked by the little spell used by her daughter being more concerned of the fact that her daughter disobeyed her order. From here I can understand two things: one that Maria used magic before and second that her mother doesn't have a problem with it. I think you built her personality as a caring but authoritarian mother pretty well but a lot more could be said about their relationship even if this is just an introduction.

When it comes to her father, I'm sorry to say that I can't say almost anything about him, because he appears very little in the story and that is a bad thing because he seems to be very important to Maria and people would like to know why is that. I'm sure that a bit of physical description and also a little of their past would add a lot to your story. Focus on her father and their relationship more.

All in all, I believe that this has the potential to become a great historical fantasy story and that you should continue to write it. It could even turn into a short novel. But in case you want to make it a historical fantasy make sure that you research a lot.

Hey Anmarie! I'm here to write you a review!

First off this seems like an interesting concept, and I get that this is only the very first part. It almost seems more like an introduction though, it could use a little more story. I also understand wanting to keep your reader in mystery about all the plot details and the characters but this overall seemed a little mundane. I know it's a story about a witch and that is not mundane at all but the introduction doesn't have anything that grabs me or makes me want to find out more about the characters.

You started to interest me when Maria uses magic (I assume) to bring her bear back to her, but that part ended abruptly. We dont know how her mother or father feels about her using magic, or if this is the first time she's done it. Does she hate her mother or just have kind of a complicated relationship with her?

You're also doing a lot of showing not telling. I had a teacher that would constantly harp on this one point and it's kind of annoying to hear but it's a good point to make. What time period is this? What does her room look like? Does her mother's appearance mimic her harsh actions? You start describing Maria's dress and hair but you stop short. More detail would even spice this up more and make it more interesting in addition to beefing up your characters.

Grammatically it seemed pretty good so kudos! One part that I found a little off-putting was

Maria walked out of her bedroom as her mother took away Mr.Brown Bear."Give him back!"

I dont mean to be harsh and I am interested in your concept! I will await the next installment to see how things pan out.