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My story

by Yourmysterygirl


The kids were fast asleep in their rooms. Their mother was slowly falling into a deep sleep watching an action movie. While her husband was upstairs checking if his daughters had fallen asleep. He saw his wifes niece standing there about to go into the bed with only a shirt on. He came and grabed her slowly pushed her against his chest and slowly kissed her lips. Her waiting for this moment for almost her whole life. Dreaming and wishing he would finally make a move. He then took her to another room and layed her on the bed. He got on top and kissed her again she felt alive and didnt say a word. In her mind everything was coming alive she felt like a women like she wanted to live to be someone else for a while and he made her feel that way. After a few minutes of intense kissing her got up and left. She whispered to herself "his everything i have been looking for his lips so soft his hands on my waist like they belonged their is this really happening". She stayed on the room and the butterfies in her stomach wouldn't leave her alone. She then fell asleep.


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Fri Jul 30, 2021 5:14 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The kids were fast asleep in their rooms. Their mother was slowly falling into a deep sleep watching an action movie. While her husband was upstairs checking if his daughters had fallen asleep. He saw his wifes niece standing there about to go into the bed with only a shirt on. He came and grabed her slowly pushed her against his chest and slowly kissed her lips. Her waiting for this moment for almost her whole life. Dreaming and wishing he would finally make a move. He then took her to another room and layed her on the bed. He got on top and kissed her again she felt alive and didnt say a word. In her mind everything was coming alive she felt like a women like she wanted to live to be someone else for a while and he made her feel that way. After a few minutes of intense kissing her got up and left. She whispered to herself "his everything i have been looking for his lips so soft his hands on my waist like they belonged their is this really happening". She stayed on the room and the butterfies in her stomach wouldn't leave her alone. She then fell asleep.


Well that was a bit confusing, I will say that right off the bat cause that is the first thing that came to mind after skimming through this one here. Its just at a glance got a few too many issues with the grammar. Usually I don't point those things out unless they really mess with understanding the meaning of a story...but sadly in this case these mistakes are actually sever enough that they are missing with the understanding of the story.

Anyway, from what I could still manage to decipher of this story, even that doesn't fully seem to make sense. We get a sense of someone that's pursuing this relationship in some way and this wish gets somehow fulfilled. That is the gist of what I see and it looks these two sort of wait for everyone else in the house to either got to sleep or just be out of the way...and this is meant to be a story of happiness at achieving this or something along those lines. But again, its just not as clear as it could be here and...well that's usually not a very good sign. I'd suggest a bit of a rewrite on this occasion, the idea seems nice enough but its just not really brought out in a way that does it justice here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu May 09, 2013 3:26 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi there mysterygirl,

This piece was a bit disappointing. It was hard to read because of little grammatical erros like saying "her" instad of "she". For example that sentence would be: She'd been waiting for this moment for her whole life. And in some place "his" should've beem "he's". I think you need to check this for grammar. And also for punctuation. Mind where commas and full stops should be. Also look closely at punctuating dialogue. Punctuation is a little thing, but as my english teacher says, "It's a grace to the reader, to make them enjoy the piece better and run over the words smoothly."

I think this idea that you have here, of a girl being in love with her uncle can transform into something very complicated and interesting. It would make a great novel with all turns and twists. But even if this is a preview - I think it's a little bit rushed. We know nothing about the characters. And why did the uncle have a sudden urge to be with her at that moment? Reading the preview left me confused and full of questions. I think if you change the beginning and plan the story out - this could go far. I hope I'm not being too harsh on you, but that you'll take all this into account.

Deanie x




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Fri Apr 12, 2013 7:28 am
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GrapeNerd wrote a review...



I don't get this. Oddly enough, it feels kind of weird to me. The story is great, but the only thing that doesn't feel right is that she's in love with her uncle. I think this would make a fine story if you just tweaked some parts. Also, I think you should add some more to this chapter, I got kind of lost reading this half-way. Nonetheless, it's good and makes me want to read more. But there was one thing I didn't get, how was she waiting for her uncle to kiss her her whole life? Please explain. Keep writing!



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I will I just wanted someone to want to read it so i could know i'm writing this for nothing so thanks and Ill do the 2 chapter today with more information


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Plus this is just a little preview of the story. Chapter one is longer




When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides