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Worlds End

by Unstoppable285


Prologue

The world was dying, life faded away and on the streets people’s screams filled the air. They were screaming for their loved ones. The ones that were already dead, the ones that were lying motionless in the streets. Fires destroy their lives, destroy their possessions and memories. For them ,they were running to their children, husband, brothers, sisters and friends. They wouldn’t find them, they would die thinking about what they didn’t do with their lives and how much they regretted. Normal people were dying, running, screaming. Hoping and praying to be saved. Alive in a few hours. It wouldn’t work. They would die eventually. If not now? Then in a few weeks when the few survivors were fighting for food. They were being brave. Hopeful. Human, I didn’t have anyone out there; I was just sitting in my cell waiting for the screams to stop and the world to end. I was the one person who wanted to die and thanks to the police I was the one girl to live.


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Fri Jul 30, 2021 5:31 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The world was dying, life faded away and on the streets people’s screams filled the air. They were screaming for their loved ones. The ones that were already dead, the ones that were lying motionless in the streets. Fires destroy their lives, destroy their possessions and memories. For them ,they were running to their children, husband, brothers, sisters and friends. They wouldn’t find them, they would die thinking about what they didn’t do with their lives and how much they regretted. Normal people were dying, running, screaming. Hoping and praying to be saved. Alive in a few hours. It wouldn’t work. They would die eventually. If not now? Then in a few weeks when the few survivors were fighting for food. They were being brave. Hopeful. Human, I didn’t have anyone out there; I was just sitting in my cell waiting for the screams to stop and the world to end. I was the one person who wanted to die and thanks to the police I was the one girl to live.


Well that was a touch confusing there towards the end at first glance, like I sort of do understand what the effect you're going for is, but I think a little bit of a rewrite is required there towards the very last couple of lines for that effect to come across properly and not get lost in the words.

That little spot of confusion aside however, this was a pretty solid looking prologue that you have right here...it certainly seems to have most of the things that you expect from a prologue and all these things are done fairly well too. The whole "the world is ending" scenario isn't the most unique thing to come across, I've seen soo many instances of Earth being wiped clean, but, well it is always an exciting premise and you've certainly captured a proper sense of hopelessness too. I love the way you sort of mention a way things could get better followed by just "everyone dies" and then repeat. It manages to make it quite clear that no one is going to survive this...and then ending on the note that one person through some situation there...managed to survive...and it just so happened that they were someone who wanted to die.

That last bit does make it unique, the irony of the situation as well as the fact that its definitely I haven't seen before, someone who didn't want to survive being the only one to survive. It seems like it could make for a pretty interesting story here, one that I would probably read. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Jul 15, 2013 9:46 am
manisha wrote a review...



Hey there! Secret santa to review again.
Happy July Christmas!

Please ignore any typos for I'm doing this on my cell.


As soon as I saw it I felt it was pretty short for a prologue. I love reading prologues for they are usually packed with great suspence. After I read this I didn't get the "cliff hanger" feeling. I suspect the story is going to be a dystopia kind? Correct me if I'm wrong.

"" The world was dying, life faded away and on the streets people???s screams filled the air. They were screaming for their loved ones. The ones that were already dead, the ones that were lying motionless in the streets. Fires destroy their lives, destroy their possessions and memories"

I'm not a big fan of florid language but I appreciate good language. I suggest you make the thesaures your best friend.
Here you have used the word ones more than twice. You could try something like this-
The ones that were already dead or lying motionless in the streets.
In the last sentence you have changed the tense from what you were following before.
Fires destroyed their lives, destroyed their possessions and memories. Stick to one tense.

""Alive in a few hours""
Do you mean alive for a few hours?

"" Human, I didn’t have anyone out there;""
It is a period after human.

I like the end. The prologue has created the mood really well so well done. I would like more details and emotions from the character.

Overall it was good!

Hope I helped!

-manisha.




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Wed May 08, 2013 3:52 am
Aley wrote a review...



So while I think I kind of understand the set up for the story from this, I feel like we're missing some crucial details, for instance, how did the girl live when the police died? Why was she on her cellphone? Who was on the other end of the call? What was she in jail for? What about the other people in jail? Who are 'they' and how did this happen?

Overall, the most prominent question is this Who are They question. For me, it is most important because we always hear "They always say..." well, now they are dying. How is this situation one that is supposed to draw us into the story when we are just being told about it from an after the fact standpoint?

I would strongly suggest that bringing in an actual account of what was going on, such as dialogue with the other person on the phone, then the start of the fires, the screaming, and so forth. Perhaps, you could write it in past tense and include something at the end, a little hook, like "I didn't know I was going to be the only girl to survive," after introducing us to the situation and hear the screams this girl is so afraid of. Personally, I think that's what this pre-story is missing, actual story bits. This shouldn't be written as a 10 years later diary, but as like a 10 minute later diary. Everything should still be fresh and vivid. Paint pictures, show us what is going on, let us feel the rough police man ripping her away from whatever she was doing and dragging her to safety. I want to be in the drama, not outside of it. That being said, I hope that's how your story goes <3 Keep writing and if you have any questions, review stories then PM me.






thanks for the review, but she isn't on a phone. She is simply narrating this section, but i hear what you mean it isn't detailed and i could definatly improve it. But thanks for the advice :D



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Tue May 07, 2013 11:46 pm
kayfortnight wrote a review...



Kay here to rescue your work from the prison of the green room!

Now, I barely got any sense of your story here. Something apocalyptic where one girl lives. What makes your story special? Elaborate and fill in the details, and you'll find it. Most prologues are at least a page, but they're sometimes boring because they're as sparse with the details as your bit here. Find what makes your story special? What caused the apocalypse? How were the people dying? I can understand wanting to be cryptic, but detail can make it even more cryptic. Also, the last sentence will be delivered as a shock if it doesn't have details when everything else does.

What format is this? Is it a normal story, or a diary of the girl who lived? If it's a diary, you can get away with more telling because nobody will remember everything that happened.

This is a short review for me, but there isn't much too review. If you want, when you rework it PM me and I'll have more to comment on.






Thanks, i understand that it isn't detailed in the slightest, i'm currently working on something else but i'll come back to this soon so i'll let you know what happens, thanks again. :)



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Tue Apr 16, 2013 1:14 am
Dreamery wrote a review...



Hello there, Unstoppable. Dd here with my first review ever, and your first review for this Prologue here.

First off, I like the mood you're trying to set here because it seems very dramatic. It also seems a little chaotic. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this seems like a kind of Post-Apocalyptic, or chaotic story. Maybe a "dystopia"? Luckily for you, I love these kinds of stories so I'd like to read more.

There are some things you can work on to improve this fine foundation you have here; to shape it into a better story. One thing is the use of description. At the moment, you're telling us what's happening, rather than trying to show us. A good way to show us is to describe what you're telling us. For example, you could say "on the street, people's frantic screams filled the foggy air." Use those adjectives!

Also, even for a Prologue, this could be much longer. Much "beefier," as I like to say. You could always give more context on what's happening. You could, as stated in the last paragraph, describe more. Try to lengthen this with details and context.

Now, for some specifics. I found a few grammatical mistakes in here.

"The world was dying, life faded away" Right here, you could've put "it's" before "life," and "fading" instead of "faded." I think it helps the "flow" of the story.

"The ones that were already dead, the ones that were lying motionless in the streets. " You should put "and" after the comma.

"For them ,they were" The comma should be attached to "them."

"They would die eventually. If not now?" I think this should be substituted with this:
"They would die eventually, if not now."

"Human, I didn’t have anyone out there" This part was confusing.

I hope my review helped!






Thank you very much, and awesome first review. this is a story I started a while ago but I'm trying to redo it so thanks for the pointers. And Thanks again :D



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Tue Apr 09, 2013 6:33 pm
chandowd says...



I loved that Prologue! It is a good hook for a book. I would put some more details into it, but other than that you did a great job on the Prologue and I hope to read the rest!






thanks, i was looking though my folders and found it, hopefully i will improve it but thanks you :D




It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
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