Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I was standing in a quiet dark lukewarm forest, barefoot, wearing only a bright blue silk dress that fell down to right above my knees. My hair was dirty blonde and looked like it had been straightened, since my hair was naturally a little wavy. On my neck laid a silver chain with a light blue dewdrop silver pendant that reached to my collarbone, and cold to the touch. I couldn’t help but feel that somehow this forest looked familiar to me, and then it hit me. How did I get here, and what was I doing in the forest? All of the sudden I heard a tree branch crack from the pressure of someone’s foot. I quickly turned around to find a tall, broad-shouldered man dressed in all black; only two feet in front of me. “What do you want from me?” I screamed. Then, his lips curved into a snide smile, and he vanished. Not even three seconds after he disappeared, I felt his hands grab my shoulders. I was about to scream, when he took one hand off my shoulders and covered my mouth with it. “Don’t scream or else!” I then bit down on his fingers, drawing blood from them, which made him yell. As soon as he grabbed his hand I saw my chance. I tried to run but something was clinging to the bottom of my dress, so I couldn’t even move. “Stupid dress” I yelled in frustration. The next thing I knew I was pulled to the ground with such an unbearable force that it made me writhe in agony. He had pinned me down on my back, and was holding me by my wrists with his hands. “Let me go!” I squirmed trying to get him to loosen his grip. Instead of loosening his grip, his hands tightened around my wrists, cutting off my blood circulation. I looked around for someone to see us, but it was useless, I was too far into the forest for anyone to hear my screams. “Could this get any worse”, I thought to myself while trying to choke back the hot tears that ran down my cold cheeks. It was as if the man could read my mind, because he then brought his mouth up to my neck.

Hello! Welcome to YWS.

I think you have a great story there. However, I would just like to point out a few things that didn't sit well with me. Forgive me if other reviewers have already mentioned it.

First of all, I personally felt like it needed more description. I mean, yes it's a prologue and therefore, it's allowed to be vague and everything. However, it would be more engaging if you could make it just a tad more detailed.

The second thing I want to point out is the phrase "lukewarm forest." Forgive me if I am wrong - I am not sure - but I have never come across any piece of writing that describes a forest as "lukewarm." And if I am wrong, please let me know. I could end up learning something new

Another thing is that I think you need to break it up. Right now, it's just like one block of words. For example:-

"I was standing in a quiet dark lukewarm forest, barefoot, wearing only a bright blue silk dress that fell down to right above my knees. My hair was dirty blonde and looked like it had been straightened, since my hair was naturally a little wavy. On my neck laid a silver chain with a light blue dewdrop silver pendant that reached to my collarbone, and cold to the touch. I couldn%u2019t help but feel that somehow this forest looked familiar to me, and then it hit me.

How did I get here, and what was I doing in the forest?

All of the sudden I heard a tree branch crack from the pressure of someone's foot."

Do you get my point? As a reader, paragraphs make the text more easier to read."

Other than that, I think the story has a lot of potential if developed in the right way. So keep writing!

Animal is here to save the world review.
Moving on to #5 for review day
Let's get started

First of all, I would mark out that you need to break it down in smaller paragraphs as it looks so crowded and no one would like to read it.

I was standing in a quiet dark lukewarm forest, barefoot, wearing only a bright blue silk dress that fell down to right above my knees. My hair was dirty blonde and looked like it had been straightened, since my hair was naturally a little wavy. On my neck laid a silver chain with a light blue dewdrop silver pendant that reached to my collarbone, and cold to the touch.

Hey Firedancer here to review your story.

"I was standing in a quiet dark lukewarm forest, barefoot, wearing only a bright blue silk dress that fell down to right above my knees. My hair was dirty blonde and looked like it had been straightened, since my hair was naturally a little wavy."

First thing first. You have picked first person as the way to tell your story which means you're kind of unlucky when it comes to describing the character. You can't have the character describe his or herself because than it sounds as if the character conceited. Usually writers get around this by placing their character in front of a mirror and fretting about there looks, however you can't do this in your case. So you improvise. Have the character, like CandidDreamer said, run her fingers through her hair, or look down at her dress. Really it is up to you as a writer to find creative ways in which to showcase your character while making it sound as natural as possible.

"All of the sudden I heard a tree branch crack from the pressure of someone’s foot. I quickly turned around to find a tall, broad-shouldered man dressed in all black; only two feet in front of me. “What do you want from me?” I screamed"

Second thing. If someone saw a strange person, normally their first thought would be confusion. After all she doesn't know if this man means her harm. She only just saw him. So I think screaming "What do you want from me?" at a guy she has only just seen is a little harsh, don't you?

Third thing. You describe the forest as being dark, as well as the man/vampire being dressed in dark clothes. if it is dark out, how can she see the man let alone the appearance of her dress or necklace?

Fourth thing. Is this a dream? It feels like it... But that's not the fourth thing. The fourth thing is this whole quotation.

“Could this get any worse”, I thought to myself while trying to choke back the hot tears that ran down my cold cheeks. It was as if the man could read my mind, because he then brought his mouth up to my neck."

I don't really know how else to put it but the whole thing just sounds an eensy bit awkward. I would suggest her not talking to herself while in the middle of a very frightening situation. Normally when human minds are warped with fear, there is little time for self chatting. Also how you used mouth. That sounds like he's going to gum her or suck her to death. Use something a bit more descriptive and terrifying such as "fangs" or "Ravenous teeth." You get the point.

Overall I think this could be a great little scene if you worked on editing it.

To begin with, i think this is a really good concept and idea, but it could use a lot of tweeking.
First, it isnt really good in a story in a scene like this when a character steps out of the scene to describe themselves. You should incorporate a self description into the scene. Ex: I ran my fingers through my blond hair. It felt straighter than the usual waviness my hair has.
Second, you rush into things quite a lot. After you tell the reader about the necklace, you went straight into having the feeling that your surroundings where familiar. Have your character look around before saying this, describing the scenery a little bit. Instead of "All of a sudden" u can place "suddenly" to make the scene there move faster, and to create a sense of fear.
I feel that for when she sees the man behind her, you should pause for a bit, maybe "gulp" and instead of screaming, whispering, in which the man gives her an ominous smile before vanishing. when the man grabs your character, take a sentence to show some sort of struggle before he threatens her. Then after that you can say "Ignoring his threat, i bit down hard on his fingers, drawing out his blood. I took my chance. Screaming, i began to run for it, but something clinging to my dress stopped me." When your character mentioned being too far into the forest, make that an assumption, since she wouldnt actually know that. Do not put inner thoughts into quotes, that just a suggestion. The last sentence confused me a bit, how about before it you have, "...ran down my cold cheeks. Why am I here? How did I get here? My sobs echoed through the forest. Who is this man trying so hard to keep grip on me? Does he want to kill me? What is he? His blood....it didnt taste human. As if he could have read my mind, he brought his mouth up to my neck. What is he...."
Hope this helps, otherwise, very good ideas.

Hello ah01871,
First off I must say, I like what you have so far! Very suspenseful Good word choice. I would love to read more!
There are a few problems though as well. For one, I see this on a lot of things I read on here, It needs more paragraphs! Paragraphs help separate your thoughts so everything doesn't just get thrown together. You want to try to start a new paragraph for every new thought. Example, I would start a new paragraph with; "How did I get here, and what was I doing in the forest?" by earasing the 'and' from the prior sentence and adding 'Then it hit me." to the beinging of that sentence.
I feel like this sounds confusing so I hope you are understanding this! Haha!
I would also start a new paragraph with; "Not even three seconds after he disappeared, I felt his hands grab my shoulders."
And again with; "As soon as he grabbed his hand I saw my chance."
Do you get the picture? Pretty much start a new paragraph every time you change the focus of the story. So If one minute you are describing her surroundings then you want to change to what she is thinking, make a new paragraph because you are changing the focus from the setting to the character. This also means If you change the focus from the girl onto the attacker you want to make a new paragraph as well.
Other than that it is a very good story! I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing and welcome to YWS!
-KevybearsBunny<3

Okay, I like your writing style and word choice and the prologue itself is quite interesting. I did find a few things that I didnt like or would have done differently.
1) I dont know if you have paragraphs in the original document, but they are missing here. It gives the impression that you are going on and on.
2) Try to avoid things like "dont _____ or else", they seem too cliche for a prologue. Try "oh no you dont!" or "I dont think so". (there are undoubtedly better ones out there though)
3)"On my neck laid", I would suggest lay instead of laid.
4) How does she know that the branch cracked because of someone standing on it?
5) I suggest leaving out blood from "blood circulation".
6) I would like a bit more detail, but thats just me.
I did find a lot of good things though too.
1) You give us absolutely no information about the characters character or her past, you also tell us nothing about the apparent vampire. This left me guessing and curious.
2) You leave her in a position where we are just begging to find out her fate.
3) You can easily do anything with the first chapter. The prologue could be from later in the book or could be the start of everything. This leaves me guessing.
4) I wonder why she is in a forest wearing a fine dress and jewelry. I also wonder why she just noticed now. The need for answers is certainly there!
All in all, I loved it and hope you post a first chapter soon! (Though please add paragraphs!)

Whoa! That is a great story. The only things I could find in there that were wrong were the occasional punctuation error (for example: write "Stupid dress!" I yelled instead of "Stupid dress" I yelled. And "Could this get any worse," I thought or "Could this get any worse?" I thought instead of "Could this get any worse", I thought). Also, you should describe the man in greater detail. Besides that, this story couldn't get any better!