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16+ Violence

The Brotherhood

by Sam123


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

I the nights cool air the sounds of joy and happiness rang through the town. All through the town men sang and women dance and the same children played. tonight was a celabration for good tiding. But I was not here to sing or dance, no i was on a quest. I walk to the little tavern and sat down to a nice glass of Mead. I drank the first glass and asked for another. it wasn't long before I was drunk as any man but I still had a clear head. I stumbed out of the tavern and walked to the inn where I was spending the night. I looked around the little room and sat on the bed. I the undressed and got under the blankets and fell into a deep sleep. The next morning I had a Terrible headache from the previous night. So I went down stairs and got a cupof black coffee and a small shot of brandy. I then walked back to the inn and gather my stuff. I looked onto the road and started on averylong journey

to be continued...


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Fri Jul 30, 2021 6:00 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I the nights cool air the sounds of joy and happiness rang through the town. All through the town men sang and women dance and the same children played. tonight was a celabration for good tiding. But I was not here to sing or dance, no i was on a quest. I walk to the little tavern and sat down to a nice glass of Mead. I drank the first glass and asked for another. it wasn't long before I was drunk as any man but I still had a clear head. I stumbed out of the tavern and walked to the inn where I was spending the night. I looked around the little room and sat on the bed. I the undressed and got under the blankets and fell into a deep sleep. The next morning I had a Terrible headache from the previous night. So I went down stairs and got a cupof black coffee and a small shot of brandy. I then walked back to the inn and gather my stuff. I looked onto the road and started on averylong journey.


Hmm, well judging by the "to be continued" I'm assuming this is some sort of first chapter or prologue that you've got right here...although this is kind of small if you were planning on considering this to be a first chapter.

Moving right to what happens here, we get the sense of someone that's setting out what looks to be a pretty important journey, or at least a long one I suppose as mentioned there. It does go off on a bit of a tangent though I'd say at the start of things. It doesn't quite seem like the whole thing is headed towards the journey there and that makes this not quite as good as it could be here. It kind of takes away from the whole setting out on a long and important journey part when we just have someone talking of random people singing and dancing and then proceeds to drink themselves to a hangover as well. I feel like this could have honestly just started at the person working up after the hangover and it would still have pretty much the exact same effect as this one currently has.

Overall, we've got ourselves a pretty nice sounding premise here, but, there's a few things you need to consider about what exactly you want this beginning to be conveying here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:03 pm
SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...



Okay, I think that you need to focus a little on your grammar and what you type. In "All through the town men sang and women dance and the same children played" you went from past tense to present then back to past. I look forward to see where you end up taking this story, but advice for the future is to think way off the road. Make it something that I won't be able to predict, and trust me I am not fooled by twists and turns easily. Also an editor might come in handy, you know, for grammar reasons and input. You did pretty good though, there were parts that I liked. When you describe the town I feel like I am the traveler just doing my job, the tavern also is easy to picture. Overall plot is interesting you just need to work on writing mechanics. Good Job!




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Thu Mar 21, 2013 8:52 pm



hello i am marv and i will be reviewing your piece today! for one you need a space on the last line where its says "on averylong journey" a space between a and very and a space between very and long! so really this is not all a bad!




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Thu Mar 21, 2013 4:05 pm
Deadman wrote a review...



Oooh, such a nice and warm tone at the start. Well Deadman here for your review today. First of I want to say welcome to YWS, and it's nice to see your work. Now of course on to the review.

So starting off the first sentence was weird. You wrote, "I the nights cool air the sounds of joy and happiness rang through the town." If you took out the I at the start it would start right, but then it gets confusing as the sentence carries on. This might not fit but here is an idea that might help you. " The nights cool breeze rushed past my face, while the sounds of joy and happiness could be heard through out the town." Flows a bit better right?

On to the next sentence, " All through the town men sang and women dance and the same children played." Well I personally would change it to "All through out", but that's not the only issue with this. as you carry on you wrote, "and the same children played". Now none of this is flowing well. Try to change it something like this," All through out the town the men and women were singing, and the children were playing." It doesn't flow the best but at least it makes sense.

The next sentence needs to be capitalized, and I would say "of good tiding" and not "for good tiding", but that's just me.

"But I was not here to sing or dance, no i was on a quest." Watch that capitalization.

Now here is a spot with another nitpick, "I walk to the little tavern and sat down to a nice glass of Mead." You jumped tense on us and there is some flow and capitalization issues. Try this, "I walked to a little tavern and sat down to a nice glass of mead." Mead didn't need to be capitalized just like ale or beer wouldn't need to be.

"it wasn't long before I was drunk as any man but I still had a clear head." Watch that capitalization again. Also I'm confused, how can a person be drunk but have a clear head? Anyway I quite liked the fact that you made your character a drunk. Not many people do that, but you can't have him overpowered, he still has to feel the affects of being drunk.

"I the undressed and got under the blankets and fell into a deep sleep." If you remove the extra "the" at the start it will be a golden sentence.

"The next morning I had a Terrible headache from the previous night." Capitalization again, now I would have been completely cool with it if you had done it in all caps like this, "The next morning I had a TERRIBLE headache from the previous night."

"So I went down stairs and got a cupof black coffee and a small shot of brandy. I then walked back to the inn and gather my stuff. I looked onto the road and started on averylong journey" Space bar issues! I understand next to the italics, this site can be confusing when doing that. Also If he went downstairs and got a cup of coffee, how does he return to the inn to get his things? From what you said he never left. Try to clear that up.

Either way it was a good story, it had it's issues of course. However, it did have me captivated. I'm sorry if I came off as harsh in my review, but it has to be done. Anyway these are my opinions on how to improve your story. You can listen to them or ignore them it's all the same. I do hope to see more from this story line though, and more from you in the future.

Cheers!,

Deadman





One believes things because one has been conditioned to believe them.
— Aldous Huxley, Brave New World