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Young Writers Society

Pharoah's Curse

by niteowl

My master was just a kitten
who wanted to play,
but bore two crowns
and a blasphemous name.

He tried to rebuild
Amun and his city
but his frail bones could not
fight for his kingdom.

In my fur he’d whisper
fears of being forgotten
and cry for daughters
who never breathed.

He drank every elixir
from a thousand sages
in hopes that one day
his father’s curse would end.

The last day, his trembling hands
dropped the crucial vial,
Bastet has blessed you, drink it,
his dying breath commanded.

The robbers fear Amun’s revenge
For a rogue king’s betrayal,
So I wait with my master,
stagnant in splendour.

Centuries pass, Allah kills Amun
and our parched valley is forgotten
until new robbers come--to restore us,
at least that’s what they say.

They come in and grope
at pristine treasures,
not knowing stories
of vengeful gods and cursed cats.

I step at last on fiery sand
As illness befalls naïve lords
And my master lives as more
than the footnote of a dynasty.

His name is eternal now,
But his river and his country
Are dammed.

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1222 Reviews

Points: 144392
Reviews: 1222

Wed Jan 23, 2019 5:07 am
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alliyah says...

Ha, I liked this nite! The verse stanzas were quite sing-songy with nice flow and an almost rhyming quality - this went away a bit in the final stanzas. But the story progresses pretty naturally, and then the ending is abrupt but in a funny way. There's not enough poems told from animal perspectives - but I can see a cat spitefully spinning this story about their silly owners.

niteowl says...

Thanks! I def don't remember intending to rhyme, but there is quite a bit unintentionally. I wish I could remember what the actual prompt was...I think it was a cat getting immortality, with bonus points for it being on accident or something?

alliyah says...

Ha, I love how oddly specific that prompt is.

niteowl says...

https://www.writinggooder.com/2013/02/c ... -corner-2/

Okay so the super-bonus option was having the pet cat become immortal.

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862 Reviews

Points: 29096
Reviews: 862

Fri Mar 08, 2013 6:37 pm
Morrigan says...

Hi again, niteowl!

I like what you've added. It lends more emotion to the piece and illustrates that the narrator is a cat much more clearly than before.

The one thing I noticed about your addition that I might change is the rhyme in the first stanza. I don't know if you noticed that you created a rhyme between "play" and "name" (admittedly, it's a slant rhyme, but a rhyme nevertheless), but it sets up the expectation for the rest of the poem to have that rhyme scheme. I'd change that to not rhyme if I were you.

I like this revision. Keep writing, you awesome poet!

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862 Reviews

Points: 29096
Reviews: 862

Wed Mar 06, 2013 5:19 am
Morrigan wrote a review...

Hi there, niteowl!

I just did this challenge, and I think it's hilarious that we both chose to reference the Egyptian pantheon of gods in our poems =)

This poem is nice. I liked it, but I don't think it's quite polished enough. You need to put more emotion into it. Right now, it almost seems like a dry recitation of history (though I really like the vocabulary you use) without emotions. This is from the view of a cat. I think that you need to include some more imagery from the view of the cat. And make it more personal. Just a tad. Don't put too much; I like what you've got, but it's lacking that certain something.

I don't really understand (though it's probably because I'm not very brushed up on my ancient Egyptian history) the drinking bit. Did he find immortality in a potion? Or death that turned to immortality? Basically, I want to know more about how he made the cat immortal. Or how he found immortality. And I'm confused at the "fatal drink" part.

And now I‘m stagnant in splendor,

I think that the "I'm" doesn't really match the tone here. You've got a grand tone going on, and then you use this contraction, and it's not doing it for me.

Centuries pass, Allah kills Amun
and our parched valley is forgotten
until new robbers come--to restore us,
at least that’s what they say.

That is my favorite stanza.

I love the last stanza. It's hilarious. I laughed for a very long time. An inappropriately long time, probably.

Altogether, this is pretty decent. Nice job. I hope this review was helpful. Happy poeting!

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884 Reviews

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Reviews: 884

Wed Mar 06, 2013 4:33 am
StoryWeaver13 wrote a review...

Haha, "dammed." XD


This was a good poem, and (I believe?) you met all of the extra criteria for the prompt, so kudos! This wasn't an extraordinarily exciting poem, and it lacked a real sense of emotion or finesse, but it was well-written nonetheless, and by no means a painful read. The story is an interesting idea and the last line made me laugh. I feel as though this is a diamond in the rough; with a little more artistry, a little more polishing, this would be a nice piece.

I am particularly fond of the last stanza and its abrupt rhythm:

His name is eternal now,
But his river and his country
Are dammed.

This showed a little wit here, and kind of pulled the things together in a cohesive, final way.

Overall this poem is nothing new, but it's not a matter of poor work so much as a lack of anything stand-out. It's solid, it's enjoyable, and you completed the challenge well.

Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx

Alexa, are there European frat boys
— Carina