• Home

Young Writers Society

Fakebook-Chapter 1

User avatar
17 Reviews

Gender: Male
Points: 1000
Reviews: 17
Thu Dec 01, 2011 9:04 pm
GawravMehta says...

Welcome to the world of Fakebook Oops! I mean Facebook where you testify the equation ‘Stranger + click = Friend’ every single day. But did you ever gave a thought, what if a single click could turn your world upside down and lead to miraculous co-incidences? Find you answer in this humorous tale of six intriguing characters- Eiggy Piggy(the fun floss), Nihasa(wayward weirdo), Aarav(happy-go-lucky lad), Khushi(girl next door), Ina(the bizarre beauty), and Fonty(all brawn-no brain guy) resonating with the beat of teenage and social networking. Though, estranged, they have overlapping existence with each other. Discover the shell-shocking revelation of shuffling fake identities cocooned in the warmth of friendship and love. The unpredictable turn of events and myriad of uncertainties are sure to whet your appetite to unfold a different shade of each character. Experience the other side of facebook and fun on the way to decipher the off-the-beaten track climax.

Chapter 1

Internet always appeared to me as vagina, the more you browse it, the larger it gets. Similarly, social networking sites were like quicksand attracting you to fall into them while you strangle yourself attempting to get ride of the addiction. Once you start playing, you continue with it entire day and a failure in taking protective measures could expose you to a deadly virus. Well! That goes both for sex and internet.

I was immune to such virus and what interested me were fake profiles. Facebook is flooded with fake profiles which have spread like an epidemic among its 800 million users. I too had a fake profile (thanks to user friendly technology) as there was no other alternative for me to increase Farmville neighbors and illegally transfer money in poker.

I love masquerading new identities and enjoyed being fake online. It was something that I did since I was introduced to internet decade ago by Yahoo Messenger craze. My problem, however, was a crashing internet connection which was worse than Sania Mirza crashing out of her tournaments.

“Fug this provider,” I said aloud, announcing my thoughts. A snail could beat my connection in a race without breaking sweat. I pay my provider too much for this shitty slow connection.

When would our country advance from cables to wi-fi? So, that we can have internet connection for free.

I took a deep breath to calm myself down. I could not believe, a delay in operating my Facebook account could make me so desperate. Why was I bothered by a slow connection, or the Internet for the matter? Global warming is hurting my home planet and there are other personal issues to resolve and I’m worried about a slow connection.

After a brief wait, Facebook site orbited to display my profile stats and I sighed in relief. There were 300+ updates, 16 New messages, 5 Friend request and 19 recent notification. I blindly accepted all the friendship request irrespective of their gender since I wanted to expand my online friendship.

My computer mouse landed on my Facebook ‘HOME’ and 16 messages were waiting in my INBOX prison to be liberated. I started reading them in order.

Most of the entries in my inbox were replies from unknown friend requests that I had send or accepted. Shalaka, Nandini, Prachi… None of the names were familiar to me. While reading the first unread message, I noticed a message from SHARKHEAD which displayed.

Eiggy Piggy! I’ve added u dt does not mean, I’ve permitted u 2 snd frnd rquest 2 my frnds (girls). Stay in ur goddamn limits n stop acting lyk a wuss who has seen woman aftr decades.

I remember, he was the person whom I added under the sole reason that he had a long list of selected sexy chicks in his friends list. But, how did he know about my clever act of sending friend request to all his girls(friends)? Satan only knows! I decided to give him a boorish reply since he was nothing more then trash to me now.

..Who the hell are you Sharkhead?
I’ll give friend request to who so ever I wish. Who the fug are you to stop me? Look dude, don’t mess around me or msg me again. Are you going to delete me or should I block you?

This was the biggest blunder that I should have not done. But what’s done cannot be undone!

“Oh my God!” I swore as I continued reading further messages. “Who's this? Do I know you? Who the hell are you to give me friend request? Have we met?” There were different replies with the same central theme. WHO-WAS-I?

Why were the people receiving my requests so concerned about my anonymity? Didn’t they have another question to ask? Of course, they were strangers to me, but they don’t know if I’m stranger to them.

I began to type a formulaic response to each of them. They were nothing special to me. I wasn't about to give each of them a personalized reply.

..Hi there, this is Waman. Actually, I found your profile damn interesting so is the person who wrote it. So, can be Facebook friends? ..

I COPIED and PASTED same response to each and every 'who's this?' response in my inbox. My approach was cliché similar to the rest of boy’s community while interacting with strange girls in the virtual world of social networking, but none of their bland responses to my friend request deserved a unique pick up line.

I continued my tedious task of pasting and sending my response to message received when an interesting reply in the stylish font, rescued me from boredom giving me the instant clue that she was different and creative than rest of the world.

◊ Nihasa ◊ : wHy I’yAm dA oNe wHo gOt fRiEnD ReQuEsT fRoM yEw? wHatz SOo sPeCial ‘bOut mEh?

It took me few seconds to understand her uncommon font style which gave me an impression of her ‘trying to be different’ approach. It appeared to me that an appropriate reply would guarantee a chain reaction of relation chemistry. Therefore, I decided to analyze her info minutely in order to gather more details about her personality.

Lady luck favored me and her info wasn’t under security.

This common trend of checking profiles sends out varying signal. I was expert in analyzing profile-friend count of less then 50 means ‘Hi! I’m new to facebook’ and massive friend count of more then 300 friends means ‘Don’t expect me to give you too much attention.’ Friend count of more then 800 friends means ‘I’m celebrity or fake. Therefore, I love to make friends. You can add me and I’m sure to accept your friend request.’

On the other hand, a nicely photoshoped wall indicate-‘I’m so weird, wacky and wonderful’. Photo shots update daily basis means ‘Check me out. I’m cool’ and if a girl has tones of comment on her photograph and statuses that means ‘She’s member of online clan, who have singed a secret pact to comment each other regularly.’ Nihasa had 709 friends. I kept aside my self-proclaimed theories in mind and had a look at Nihasa’s profile.

About Nihasa:
Hey Guyz! Welcum 2 da stupidest profile u wud hv evr read..
Go on..
Go on read..
DUALITY IS MY PERSONAL TRAIT AND BIPOLAR I AM...Ummm.. No I guess I’m a split personality..OMG! Wch 1 of me wrote dis?..Dis or dat ?
I’m a born gothic cannibal. I ate d nurse's ear whn I was born n’ den she dropped me. Dats y I hv concussions I guess (bitch da nurse was)...Den, I was sent to juvei for it and der I ate 4-5 kids in a week. So, dey sent me 2 concentration camp whr I hit it off well wid d Nazi's n’ secure da most comfortable position I cud find in d gas chamber. But accidentally I farted in the gas tube n’ sadly all Nazi's died (hey not cuz of mah farting cuz all d poisonous gas went to their side) and Woah I was hailed as the Jew-queen!...den 2 cheer mahself up I gulp down 2 kids n’ was extradiated bck 2 INDIA… dere dey removed mah teeth n replcd dem wid rubber so I cudn't eat nother kid(filthy swines)..sooooo bad for me !!..but den mah savior JOKER(who was on his suicidal tour) rescues me n gifted me a set of brand new stainless steel teeth coated wid orbit everlast 2 carry on my adventures...and now I am out and m gonna get you too....HUHAAHAHAHHA…

STATUTORY WARNING: I do not add strangers 2 my friendlist but if u r another long lost soul of shit hu is gagging n’ crackling lyk an old fart den I’ll surely add u. But 4 dt u'll hv 2 say..I _______(ur name) AM AN ASSHOLE...Heheh!..Rmbr, I do not add bimbo’s n ‘trying to be sexy’ chicks 2 my friend list (just to prove m not a lesbian)…
Now...U must be thinkin’ y wud u read such a lame profile..of a girl..hu as a matter of fact is brainless git..n’ doesn't really hv a cracking sense of humor..but just cuz I am gonna start all my jokes wid ur name does not suggest dt i don't hv a gud sense of humor..!! anyways do wid it
Now go on read other things in my profile too.!!! or if you r such a looser go dunk your head in the sewage line of my toilet!!!
NOTE:- Psychopaths, retarded losers, jerks wid freaky fake profiles, sick attitude bitches, fucked up personalities.....stop messaging me...coz m nouh in a zillion yrs gonna add u crackpots...! {N ALL D 1 WID-"I M SVIT CUTE N LUV TO MAKE FRNZ TYPES... plz lay off!}
LIKES: I luv 2 goof around in any situation I can..I luv 2 eat ice creams n’ chokltz (Like 99.99% of girls).. I luv irritating ppl (do try once).. I luv photography, poetry( well of course mine)…Lately I’ve strtd film making, I mean small documentaries.. I luv 2 read (n’ u thought I’m bird brained).. I luv 2 make ppl believe in demslvz n discover hidden talents.. I luv gossiping cuz I believe it’s da art of discussing da imperfections in human nature.. I luv spending time wid kids, animals(from there I get my animal instincts), wid all the grandpas n’ grandmas of dis world… I LUV MY LIFE!

I was amazed that she did not seem to be just another mindless teenage girl. We actually seemed to have a lot in common- craziness, insanity and non-sense in sensible way. Damn interesting girl! I studied her info carefully until the right comment popped into my mind, but then was surprised to see Sharkhead’s post on her wall.

Sharkhead: Darling Nihasa, whr r u thes days? Dead or alive..?
U kno? Sumbdy is missin’ u lyk hell. So, plz reply ASAP 

Sharkhead was obviously in her friends list. The post came as a bolt out of blue and numerous thoughts regarding their relationship bubbled in me. What was the relation between them? I thought for a moment.

Fug it! I ignored the bothering interruptions of my fragile mind as replying to Nihasa was my first priority.

My keyboard was expecting me to churn up some extremely witty and cheesy lines, when an advertisement of ‘Pizza Hut Celebrations’ flashed in the side of my facebook screen, promoting their extra cheese pizza which served as epiphany for me to come up with the following lines:

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ: …Crazy Nihasa ! I am the same mad guy from the juvie during your stay in India. You remember we tied marriage knots using the jailor’s hunter and took vows to be eternal soul mates. Unfortunately, the evil JOKER lured you away from me through those damned teeth. I found you through this sucking site hence sent you a request…

Exhaling in a big gust I clicked ’send’. My pick up arrow had been shot. I felt excitement and apprehension bubble in my stomach when I saw the tiny notification proclaiming ‘1 New message’
It was message from Nihasa that read.

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Don’t be oversmart! Mystery is Nihasa’s second name, don’t act mysterious with me. Why you gave me friend request?

Asking me the reason, why I gave her friend request? I sniggered. Generally, there were two types of girls. Type 1 was the dumb girls that liked to pretend they were intelligent, and Type 2 was the smart ones that everyone ignored. So, obviously, Type 2 girls could fool anybody, but they were almost an extinct species just like DINOSAURS. Nihasa seemed to be Type 1. I knew girls better than anyone. They insist you tell them you love them – even if you've already told them a thousand times before. Who will teach them- love is something to be felt by heart rather then ear? You might have heard them saying, “Darling, you didn't say I love you.” This was Type 1 girl-who always tries to bring love to sensory level. So, I replied Nihasa what she wanted – no deserved.

«Ξιggע Piggע™»:… Baby, nothing special about you. As usual, male habit, one friend request to a girl makes no difference to me...

If I had answered her directly it would have been Game Over. Girls didn't usually like directness or begging. However, and interesting or absurd comment was like putting an ear bud in a lionesses ear–cent percent response guaranteed. It didn't even matter if she was single or committed. She wouldn't resist.

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Nuffin spcl abt me? Nihasa is sad at dis.  Der r thousand othrz in Fb. Why didn’t yew satisfy ur male urges there?

I was taken aback at her audacity and replied stubbornly.

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ: …Let me tell you frankly, one click is not a big deal for filthy pig like me. Who knows, might Tammy and Raul are going to call you MUMMY…

This absurd scrap would surely bring a halt in her mind and create CHAOS. Chaos Theory always worked for me. Tammy and Raul would blink her to think for a moment. I kept my emotions in check as I read her next message.

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Who da hell r Tammy n’ Raul? R dey illusionary character of your insane mind?

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ: …Dear Nihasa! Plz be a little affectionate towards your beloved children!!...

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Beloved children? Helll-Oooo.. Wat da heck are you talking? Im still single, ready to mingle.

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:…Me too Still single. Cheerzzz!! ;) No heck, they aren’t your children, instead they are mine..Child marriage you know? But I've never met her. Tammy and Raul are names of my future children, who knows you may be their future ‘MOM’ and inevitably my future WIFE… That’s why I sent you a request to test your luck. Who knows, maybe it’s you. :P

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Ohhh! Thatz pretty devil thought.. What yew do Mr. Piggy?

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ: …I'm afraid you won't like it because most people don’t like what I do…

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Like it? Everybody is unique. Even heir brain, DNA, their thoughts and their work.. I mean everything… OMG! Are you sweeper? :p

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:..No!... Even worse than that. As I told you before- you won’t like it.

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Itz not like that Piggy! Tell me! I would endorse your thoughtz..

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:…You people spend time studying, playing, watching etc... You don't have any value of time. I spend watching time as it floats away from hours to minutes and then seconds. Then, I restart again…

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Hmmm.. Confused person! Even I was like yew yearz back. We UPSC aspirants are quite disciplined. We don’t have time o waste time.

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ: …Whatever !! I don’t care. I’m totally happy with myself until someone makes me realize…

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Oh Gawd! Piggy, don’t yew study or do something like that as a part time?

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:...Of course I study. But, a day before an exam :D.. One night fight..Heheh! :P..Do you like one night fight?... ;)

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Hmmm.. Double meaning talkz.. Great! Heard ‘bout one night stand but one night fight? Why do yew study da night before exam?

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ: …Excitement of one night fight is a nerve racking experience..You wouldn’t understand. It's useless to study days before…

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Useless why?

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:..Me thinks..
The more you study, the more you learn..
The more you learn, the more you remember..
The more you remember, the more you get confused..
The more you get confused, the more you forget..
The more you forget, the less you have in mind..
So, what's the need?
Even after studying so much you have even less in your head…

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Intrestedting analogy!

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:… Expect the totally unexpected..That's Piggy!… :D

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Whats you real name Piggy?

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ: …Don’t insult the pig in me by asking my name… J

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Okayz! Da day will surely come when yew’ll reveal your original name to Nihasa. Itz promisooo! Till then Piggy is fine for me.

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ: …Day? I’m, sure you are immortal cuz you have to wait till eternity. Urghh!!..You don't know me…

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Yew never gave me a chance to know ya.

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ: …This time you have one. Don't forget to approve my friend request. Cuz 99.999999% universe isn’t bothered to interact with you. So, appreciate whosoever does…

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Yew gotta a good point!.. But do you think I’ll confirm you?

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:… Sure !! Cuz, Love and golden opportunity knocks only once...

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Hey Piggy! Hate to say but g2g.. Momz yelling.  are you going to stay more here?
ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:…I don't know. Why you asked?...

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Then letz log out together.. when I count 1, 2, 3.. we both will log out together..

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:…What's the logic?...

◊ Nihasa ◊ : One…

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:…I don't understand.

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Two….

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:…Wait…

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Three..Now youre freeeeee..

Damn it!. Why did she have to leave? Now I'll be bored, my thoughts grumbled.

I resorted to updating my profile to stave off an onslaught of boredom. I had just begun to add pictures in my album to make my profile more attractive when I noticed a new message. I flashed my Happydent smile hoping to see if it was Nihasa again.

Kanika Sharma: I'm sorry! I don’t talk strangers at all therefore, we can never be friends.

Who the heck was Kanika? Why was she sorry? My thoughts erupted. Of course, she was one of the fishes from my randomly sent friend requests.

Ohh ! Kanika doesn’t talk to strangers. That means she's a sweet and simple girl, I thought excitedly. One more fish! This one would be a challenge.

Simple girls are unaware of all the bitchy tricks used by other girls. They were typically happy with limiting friends to their own inner circle. She was going to be a tough fish and I was up for the challenge. It felt good to understand others. What if you can't understand yourself? Maybe Nihasa was right. I'm a confused person, my thoughts wandered. I pushed the thought aside and focused on Kanika.

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:...I know ma'am. But, until you talk with me how you can know me? Take one look around, all your friends. They were all stranger to you like me. Give me a chance, I’ll prove to be a good friend…

Simple girls needed simple replies. Flirting wouldn't work and this simple scrap could end up in a friend list; I was assured.

Kanika Sharma: Sorry! I don't want Friendship with you. Don’t msg me again.
Don't scrap me again? She appeared to me as a second class citizen of LOOSERVILLE(even if she was the only resident there).

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:…Ma’am, I'm glad you didn’t add me.
In fact, I'm happy to avoid wimps like you in my friendlist.

I resorted back to the CHAOS theory. She was expecting me to be upset. That wasn't the case. Eiggy Piggy means expect the totally unexpected.

Kanika Sharma: Then stay happy forever. Bye!

Kanika was as sour as grapes, but I'm not the fox. She's in Eiggy Piggy zone. However she ain’t Nihasa and did not deserve any preferential treatment. I thought about the turn of events for a while, a series of altercation for a mere friend request, but that’s what beckons my interest in FACEBOOKING.

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:…Thank you ma'am! For making me happy. Actually, I like girls like you who are too careful. Always stay same.

Kanika: Done? Bye now!

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ: ..Facebook is like a road. You can bump into anyone but would you speak to all sundry? Its just about getting drift. You can never really trust anyone unless you know them for sure. Do you know my real identity? Hacker-Faker, tourist- terrorist..Booooom!!! …I can be anyone. About whom even you can't think… Hahahaha !!.. Have a Great life ahead Kanika! :)
Last edited by GawravMehta on Sun Dec 04, 2011 7:23 am, edited 3 times in total.
Spoiler! :
Donate couple of points to fellow depressed writer 'cause those who donate me. Motivate me!

Random avatar

Gender: None specified
Points: 1636
Reviews: 30
Fri Dec 02, 2011 9:20 am
View Likes
Flyingchaos says...

Internet always appeared to me as vagina, the more you browse it, the larger it gets.

Love the start. Original and hilarious just like the rest of the chapter!!!
To be honest I think you're first one was better even though that's just my opinion :)
I think you did a good job writing this and you got talent dude!!

Be proud and no matter what people says don't stop writing!

btw I will be waiting for more :D

User avatar
763 Reviews

Gender: Female
Points: 3888
Reviews: 763
Fri Dec 02, 2011 9:58 am
View Likes
Lava says...

Well, hello.

I figured since you already have a couple of reviews on the introduction, I'll give a quick review on this.

Honestly, this chapter left me less impressed than the previous one. I'm not a fan of such chat-speak in literary works, especially if there;s an overload of it like what you have here. Why don't you tone it done a notch? This style really does nothing for what you could write quite well.
And, I don't know where the story's going. The plot seems too dispersed to even get a flimsy grasp of it.
As for description, it's almost non-existent. Try focusing on the dimensional aspects of a story rather than ust narrating/telling it. You're 'showing' a story to the reader.

It left me confused. Work on editing.
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

User avatar
14 Reviews

Gender: None specified
Points: 979
Reviews: 14
Fri Dec 02, 2011 2:21 pm
greg925 says...

Well, chapter 1 was fun to read. Entertaining, interesting, and a tad insane. Also, there were a lot of missing little words and spelling mistakes, but this isn't an english essay and I'm no teacher. So, I found this chapter to be a nice opener, talking about fake profiles on Facebook.

I thought the I.M. conversations between you and Nihasa were a bit long to read, so I kind of skimmed over that half-way through. Hope I didn't miss anything interesting. Anyway, I enjoyed this first chapter. Look forward to reading more.


User avatar
56 Reviews

Gender: Male
Points: 1890
Reviews: 56
Sat Dec 03, 2011 1:31 pm
Napier says...

Hey there!

This was really enjoyable with some great ideas, but I think it could benefit from a bit of editing.

First of all, the chat sections were a little long. Again, great idea, but they could easily be shortened. Remember, chats on Facebook are usually, from my experience, focused on short, brief messages that address a point quickly; try not to stretch them out.

Also, the font styles. It's fine, if you're writing about a chat to have a few spelling mistakes and abbreviation, bUT wHen Da WHolE mEssAGe iz RiTTEn liKe thIS it turns into an eyesore. It's just formatting; just make sure the chat thing isn't overdone and, overall, it looks "nice".

Other than that, your writing is great! Just keep at it really, this is the beginning of what seems to be a pretty great story, so I really hope you write more!
“It is the tale, not he who tells it.”
― Stephen King

“If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.”
― Stephen King

Formerly BadlyDrawnLightning

User avatar
146 Reviews

Gender: Female
Points: 3999
Reviews: 146
Sun Dec 04, 2011 6:51 am
Dragongirl says...

HMmmm…cOnFuSeD pErSoN... :)

Well, not sure how to review this because frankly< I've not read a piece like this before. So for starters, points for originality.

I didn't spot many typo or misspelled words, but before you pat yourself too hard on the back, I've gotta tell you my spelling stinks, so that could be why. I did noticed one thing though.

I love masquerading new identities and enjoyed being fake online.

So you used present tense for 'love' but past past tense for 'enjoyed'. The reader is going to be confused when they read that sentence and you need to change the tense on either 'love' or 'enjoyed' so your meaning can be clear here.

I don't have a problem with the chat conversations, but....Nihasa's writing is no fun to read and it is a real speed bump with your piece here. I totallly get that the quirky typing style is a way of expressing Nihasa's personality and that's cool, but you could always just tell us readers that she types like that. Like have her first message to Piggy be all weird that way and then have the MC tell us that she is still typing that way, but put it in normal font.

Let me put it this way. Have you ever read a book where the author decides to put in a Irish character and spells every thing they say with that accent, so pretty soon you dread having that character show up in the story because, even though he is hilarious, you get a headache just from trying to figure out what he is saying, vs an author who just says 'So-and-so had a thick Irish accent', and leaves it at that.You know exactly what the character sounds like, but minus the migrain. (I hope that made a little sense.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is, keep your readers from having to strain their eyes or you may lose a lot of them. (Profound, I know. ;) )

So, interesting first chapter. The synopsis sounds like this story could have a lot of potential. Piggy seems like a little bit of a creep, but mostly he just sound very human, real. Hat's off to you there, if you have a real feeling character you're doing something right. Keep it up. :)

Looking forward to the next chapter.

*Like* and *Follow*. ~DG
"Every writer I know has trouble writing." - Joseph Heller

~ A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.~
- Bill Cosby

Random avatar

Gender: None specified
Points: 1636
Reviews: 30
Mon Dec 05, 2011 7:07 pm
View Likes
Flyingchaos says...

Wow as always u keep surprising me :)
I really like the way u have made a classic character ur own! U nailed it! :D
It's waaay better than ur last one - even though i liked that as well!!! - but I still love ur first one :i
That just me being stupid I think ;)
- keep writting srry 'bout the short review but I gotta read the rest :D!

User avatar
249 Reviews

Gender: Male
Points: 9525
Reviews: 249
Mon Dec 05, 2011 7:40 pm
View Likes
murtuza says...

Hey, Gowrav!

Unfortunately, this chapter left me a little disappointed. The subject matter, 'dialogue', the references to pop-culture and the main idea behind most of the details given here sound humorous but are far too cliched to be considered as being unique. In fact, there is a lot of work that needs to be put in (but that's just my opinion :) )

Firstly, it is important to note that providing consistency in a piece is a great way to make the reader more and more interested in reading the events that unfold. There were instances where your style changed so dramatically as the language turned from simple and then onto something of a complex tone:
Simple girls are unaware of all the bitchy tricks used by other girls.

I resorted to updating my profile to stave off an onslaught of boredom.

Notice the difference between the above to lines? You need to maintain a certain level of consistency when trying to narrate the entire story. So stick to a particular type of writing style. And don't ever shift between styles.

So in this chapter you start off with the main protagonist who is attempting to log into his Facebook account and sees the many new notifications etc that catch his eye as well as give him the realization that there have been so many girls who have replied to his friend requests. All courtesy by his fake profile, of course. As he is wandering through the domain of Facebook, he comes across Nihasa and chats her up until she leaves. After, he meets his next acquaintance. That's it. Simple and comprehensive. But all this sounds really winded as along the story is followed.

On my first impression of the characters, I feel that they can be quite shallow and typical. The main guy, who is a net stalker and likes to pleasure himself to sending requests to seemingly unknown requests to girls. Nihasa seems to be of a gullible nature. And for Kanika, there is still much left to show to actually have an idea of what she is like.
These types of characters aren't really memorable since there is no lasting quality that really stands out in them. Try giving each character their own style and a way of saying things and stuff like that. Character depth will be formed and reader will have the ability to connect with them. So, it's too soon to actually judge the characters since this is only the first chapter. Just remember to keep the characters filled with something unique that defines them.

All in all, I was left with an empty stomach and unsatisfied. I would have like you adding some more witty and humorous sentences with some quirkiness to them. And as mentioned previously, the grammar and the overall revision needs to be checked. Read through the piece again and again. You'll be sure to find many blemishes.

I'm hoping the plot thickens as it goes further. Like I said in my previous review, try and take things slow. Don't be in a rush to publish things.

Take care and Keep the ink flowing, my friend

Last edited by murtuza on Sat Dec 10, 2011 12:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
It's not about the weight of what's spoken.
It's about being heard.

User avatar
158 Reviews

Gender: Female
Points: 425
Reviews: 158
Tue Dec 06, 2011 7:12 am
View Likes
Payne says...

I agree with the above posters on numerous points here, so I may be repeating some of their critiques.

First off, you switched between tenses a lot. The spelling was off, mostly with words missing or words that should have been plural instead of singular. I'd suggest going back and doing a thorough proof-read.

As some of the others said, the chatspeak really bothered me. I understand that it is how a lot of internet-people type, but in a story it just kills the reader's brain. Plus, some of it was simply hard to follow. There were places where the 'messages' weren't in bold, so they seemed like parts of the narrative at first. I'd suggest keeping them consistently bolded, to avoid confusion.

Your MC is okay so far. He's obnoxious, creepy, and rude, but still human. He admits that Nihasa may be right about his confusion, but quickly glosses over it, seemingly in denial. Little things like that can really help cement a character's personality, but too small and they can get overlooked.
I think you've shown the situation pretty well. As I said before, I've never been on Facebook, but judging from what I've heard, this story is sort of sadly accurate.

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Then letz log out together.. when I count 1, 2, 3.. we both will log out together..

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:…What's the logic?...

◊ Nihasa ◊ : One…

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:…I don't understand.

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Two….

ォΞιggע Piggע™サ:…Wait…

◊ Nihasa ◊ : Three..Now youre freeeeee..

This was probably my favorite part. I'm not sure why, but it struck me as comical.

Overall, this story could use some polishing, but you've got a good basis for the chapter. I'll try to get to the next chapter as soon as possible.
I aim to misbehave.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me? --Steven Wright

User avatar
9 Reviews

Gender: Female
Points: 1312
Reviews: 9
Wed Dec 07, 2011 10:56 pm
View Likes
SerenityAmour says...


First, I want to tell you that I hope I don't do too much repeating of what fellow members have already said, and secondly, this is my first review, so please don't be mad if I'm too harsh or too soft. I'm still a newbie.

I did enjoy this piece, and I must say, this is a different genre of writing than you'd typically find me reading, but nevertheless, I thought it was very amusing and interesting. This was a good starting topic, and you do characterizations very well.

The story got confusing somewhere around the tense switches, and there were a share of grammatical errors.

In essence, I think it was very nice, but it could use some revising.
The Lord informed me that he has plans for me;
Plans for me to prosper, and not to fail.....
With this in mind, I embrace each day with
aspirations of being all that I can be in order
to serve and please He who created me.


You can't fool me! I listen to public radio!
— Squidward Tentacles