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Fakebook- Introduction



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17 Reviews


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Points: 1000
Reviews: 17
Thu Dec 01, 2011 6:33 am
GawravMehta says...



Welcome to the world of Fakebook Oops! I mean Facebook where you testify the equation ‘Stranger + click = Friend’ every single day. But did you ever gave a thought, what if a single click could turn your world upside down and lead to miraculous co-incidences? Find you answer in this humorous tale of six intriguing characters- Eiggy Piggy(the fun floss), Nihasa(wayward weirdo), Aarav(happy-go-lucky lad), Khushi(girl next door), Ina(the bizarre beauty), and Fonty(all brawn-no brain guy) resonating with the beat of teenage and social networking. Though, estranged, they have overlapping existence with each other. Discover the shell-shocking revelation of shuffling fake identities cocooned in the warmth of friendship and love. The unpredictable turn of events and myriad of uncertainties are sure to whet your appetite to unfold a different shade of each character. Experience the other side of facebook and fun on the way to decipher the off-the-beaten track climax. :) :smt002


Introduction

“Hey! How are you my friend?” an unfamiliar voice called me from nowhere.

I wheeled around to find source and there I saw, half handsome guy in denim black jeans and sky blue tee with imprint of a red rose smiling to me.

Shit! I’ve seen this face, I racked my brain nerves to signal me the details of the familiar face encountering me. Ah! My neurons failed to signal me the delivery repot of his identity. But, I was pretty sure his face was familiar to me and details was buried somewhere in cerebral.

“I’m doing well buddy,” I uttered ruing the fact of being oblivious about him. Finally, I caught upon his face that he belonged to my class once and could be considered a colleague rather then friend; still I failed to recall his name. I continued exchanging pleasantries non stop like a close pal.“What about you? How is it going? Where are Pallavi and Anubhav these days?” I enquired hoping that he remembered them since they were the hottest couple in school and much amid talks.

“Well, everything’s fine, I think they both are in Delhi pursuing degree from DU. You can find them on facebook.” He answered lamely. “Hey are you on facebook too?” suddenly , he flashed me with a FAQ, as if he was desperately trying to increase his Farmville neighbors and MAFIA gang
loitering around in malls and adding familiar faces.

“Of course,” I replied.

“Then don’t forget to add me,” he insisted with a charming smile. “It’s Abhishek Puria.”

“For sure!” I nodded several times with a return smile and waved goodbye. At least, I was successful in knowing his name without making him aware.

I watched him surge ahead reminiscing me of my school days where I attended lectures invisible to everyone, save the poor souls of watchman and the bus conductor.

This might have happened with you as well -“Are you on FB?” a common question chanted like rhythms of a lively song by all the recent acquaintances you must have made lately; it definitely ends with the ultimate question of paramount importance of your availability on Facebook. Perhaps, it’s the unrelenting desire to stay in touch with the closed ones that evinces the rendering force that has the cult following after it, similar to the utter devotion towards almighty God.

The sheer pleasure derived through the multiple of game between your keyboard, computer screens and Facebook seems to change the dimension of communications. There seems to be a charming varsity of profound reasons like renewal of ties with old friends, epicenter of long distance relationships, flings, dating- hub, on looking for fun of time pass and peeking into custom made profiles of people, a platform for many stories to unfold etc which includes the common tendency for the desire of facebooking.

But, there is other side of coin… You zero is on the sending friendship requests to the automatic suggestion popping upon your computer screens and the process continue in which you hand over to each of other the key to the door of your respective lives. That one branch spawned a dozen other branches. Like the root of the tree, your online connection can quickly grow into vast, overlapping complicated network of interconnected strands, and you will quickly loose control over
not only who you’re connected to, but who can steal your info to make your life miserable. Your photos could be copied, altered and reposted online. Your email address could be harvested by spammer, or your parents could mortify you by leaving comment on your friends update. The threat of stalking, defaming you and the amount of info available about you maybe dangerous.

I remember my one 19 year old friend from Mumbai who prefers to remain unnamed was repeatedly send friend request on facebook by stranger over a course of seven months. She didn’t know who the person was and kept declining. They had no common friends and his profile showed only 8 connections, implying that account had been made solely for the purpose of sending message.

Fake profiles could be created in a jiffy to sneak-peek, spy, monitor, collect info and interfering with the personal life of others apart from other sinister intensions under the disguise of online friendship. According to an estimate, every fourth teenager makes fake profile for the sake of pranks and fun. With average number of one hundred and thirty friends; neither I nor you can real which are real or fake. Still we keep on counting them, talk, share and trust them. Thinking oneself intelligent, millions of people have made fake profile forgetting g the gospel truth- someone, somewhere is little more intelligent then you. With my online age of 9 years, I’ve learned that, sweetest fantasy to worst nightmare is possible until we are ONLINE. Now it’s your turn!
Last edited by GawravMehta on Mon Dec 05, 2011 3:18 pm, edited 6 times in total.
Spoiler! :
Donate couple of points to fellow depressed writer 'cause those who donate me. Motivate me!




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Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:57 am
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Flyingchaos says...



HAHAHAHAH omg I love this!! Reminds me of a hell of a lot people and situations I have encountered :D
Dude keep doing you're thing 'cause you're good at it!!! That was fantastic... And soooo true!




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17 Reviews


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Reviews: 17
Thu Dec 01, 2011 2:23 pm
GawravMehta says...



Flyingchaos, thanks a tonne for your feedback. I was feeling so low that I can't express. Your feedback is like a drop of water in barren desert. Thanks a lot dude! Thanks! Stay in touch because from now on I'll be posting exclusively and only for you.
Spoiler! :
Donate couple of points to fellow depressed writer 'cause those who donate me. Motivate me!




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Thu Dec 01, 2011 2:24 pm
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greg925 says...



Other than forgetting to add in a few little words, such as: like, as, and the, I really have nothing else to critique about this. I found this to be very insightful and a bit laughable. We've all done these silly things on Facebook from time to time. Facebook is getting too much like my space. It's really sad. Anyways, I really enjoyed this.




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Fri Dec 02, 2011 6:54 am
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Payne says...



Wow. Well, this was certainly an interesting piece. I love your MC's analytic and intelligent dissertation; very accurate! I am not on Facebook, and never intend to be, so I'm sure I didn't understand all of the references and such, but it was still an enjoyable read.

However, I do have some nitpicks; first is the formatting. All of your lines appear to be double-spaced, which makes it extremely difficult to read. The individual paragraphs should be single-spaced, I believe.
Also, some of your sentences don't make a lot of sense.

You zero is on the sending friendship requests to the automatic suggestion popping upon your computer screens and the process continue in which you hand over to each of other the key to the door of your respective lives.


This sentence is extremely long, and doesn't really make sense. A lot of the words seem either jumbled, missing, or incorrect. Consider revising it.

There were times when I was a bit lost in the verbosity of the story, but that could partly be because it's nearly 1:00 AM, and I am not thinking too clearly. However, there were also some definite errors with grammar, punctuation, and sentence-length.

I hope this helped somewhat, and I shall be reading the next chapter tomorrow, hopefully. If you have any questions regarding this review, feel free to give me a holler on my wall.
Happy writing.
I aim to misbehave.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me? --Steven Wright




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Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:09 pm
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TheRose says...



I thought it was very very good. I liked the plot and I like the way you describe some things like "Like the root of the tree, your online connection can quickly grow into vast, overlapping complicated network of interconnected strands, and you will quickly loose control over not only who you’re connected to, but who can steal your info to make your life miserable."

I find it to be very true, 'cause this Facebook mania has spread all over the world and people have forgotten that there are actual dangers behind this shit.

The only negative part is some grammar mistakes and some missing words, but I'm sure that in the future you'll be excellent!:D
there's a feeling I get when I look to the west, and my spirit is crying for leaving.




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Fri Dec 02, 2011 7:13 pm
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murtuza says...



Hey, Gawrav!

You've tackled a very powerful theme here and the story, plot, dialogue and overall Novel, will be dependent on that. So it's highly advisable that you first take a breather and go through the idea in your head a couple of times. There were many instances where the grammar and language were off. And that affected the readability as well as the whole experience of this otherwise quite engaging story.

The structure of the entire prose doesn't look too inviting. Don't leave spaces after every line so often. Group the lines together to form clean short paragraphs. The look will definitely seem neater and the reader will be able to easily go through the lines. The reviewers above me have also pointed out the same uncertainties that I have felt about the piece so there isn't much more to say, regarding improvement.

There are many places throughout the piece that need re-phrasing and grammar-checking. It would take up a lot of time and space to point each of those lines down. So I suggest that you take this entire piece of writing back to the writing desk and read through it again and again and make this as good as it can be. Try simplifying the lines a bit, polish the edges by giving importance to grammar especially, because there were some lines that I couldn't fully understand:
GawravMehta wrote:Thinking oneself/themselves intelligent,
millions of people have made fake profile forgetting g the gospel truth- "One day rat meets cat, cat
meets dog, dog meets wolf, wolf meets lion and lion will finally meet human one day."(you haven't shown the open quote symbol)


All you need to do is just take proper care and you can make this really great! :D
I'm sorry if you feel I'm putting you down so much, but I do really feel that there is so much potential.
The slight humour you've added and the simplistic format of writing are things to be appreciate since that is what makes it so interesting as it is easy to pick up. There were a few good moments in it as well.

Overall, this is a good concept and I'm really interested to know where this goes. It's a great introduction to a hopefully great premise. You've got talent for putting up such an interesting subject and describing it the way you do. I'm looking forward to reading more. So keep the ink flowing!

And remember, pay close attention to the small details. Even punctuation and capitalization can put down a seemingly good read. I'm sure you'll do well. :D

Murtuza
:)
Last edited by murtuza on Mon Dec 05, 2011 6:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
It's not about the weight of what's spoken.
It's about being heard.




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38 Reviews


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Sat Dec 03, 2011 2:54 am
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starrgazer says...



This is a great piece that A LOT of people can relate to. I totally agree with many things you said. People who you've met for just a few minutes would be asking for your fb. Same thing with the fake account fact; there was incident at my school about a girl creating fake accounts.

I also loved the tree root description, it was a nice bonus to everything else. Sometimes you'd be missing a word or comma here and there, but overall, it's still pretty good :)
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade

Pffffft, yeah right...fat lot of help sour lemon juice would do. When life also throws me a bag of sugar, then we'll start talking.

:)




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Sat Dec 03, 2011 5:07 am
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tgirly says...



Tgirly:
Hi! I like it, it's extremely deep and serious, yet also with a touch of lightness to it. There were grammer and a few spelling errors (when I read "Ah!" I thought she'd figured out what the dude's name was, because "Ah!" just seems like something someone would think when they remember something, which confused me for a second. Maybe try "Ugh!" or something). The only problem that really stood out to me is you haven't really introduced the conflict yet. Yes, you did have the problem of her not being able to remember his name, but that was quickly solved and not the main problem of your story. It's important for the conflict to be introduced early on to help grip your readers to keep on reading.It's also slightly lectury to me at the end. But I really like your voice, and I can't wait to keep on reading.
-tgirly
P.S.: sorry if I sounded a bit harsh; I did really like the story so far. :)
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel




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Sat Dec 03, 2011 5:41 am
GawravMehta says...



Thanks a lot friends for giving your valuable time to improve my writing work. I love you more then your feedback. Hehe! :P
Spoiler! :
Donate couple of points to fellow depressed writer 'cause those who donate me. Motivate me!




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Mon Dec 05, 2011 2:25 am
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theotherone says...



Hello there, I'm here to review as requested. :)

I'll begin with the nitpicks, and then move on with my overall impression on your story.
I wheeled around to find the source and there I saw, half handsome guy in denim black jeans and sky blue tee with the imprint of a red rose smiling to me.

But, I was pretty sure his face was familiar to me and details was buried somewhere in my brain.

It sounds better like that.
I watched him surge ahead comma, reminiscing me of my school days where I attended lectures invisible to everyone, save the poor souls of watchman and the bus conductor.

But, there is an other side of the coin…

The threat of stalking, defaming you and the amount of info available about you may be dangerous.

Maybe should be two words in this context.

Overall it was a great beginning. I personally think there was a little bit too much stuff about facebook then the setting for the actual story, but I might be wrong, I haven't really read the other parts yet. The format is bad in some places, so you should go over it and change it. There's some sentences that finish randomly to continue on the next line...

I can't really say anything plot and character wise since we didn't see any of them yet apart from the MC. But hopefully I will on the first chapter. :)

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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Mon Dec 05, 2011 2:13 pm
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EvensLily says...



Heya, GawravMehta.
It was lovely of you to leave a comment on my page, I will do all I can to help a fellow writer :)

Just a few NitPicks:
around to find source and there - I think this should be: around to find the source, and there.
this face, I racked- I think this should be: this face; I racked - You can also use a full stop? It's up to you :)
identity. But,-
But, there is
I think everyone in yws is aware how much I dislike but starting a sentence! Its a connective! Its lazy writing! Try However?
rather then friend;- I don't like this sentence, try: then a friend.
suddenly , he - This is increadbly Nitpicky but you left a space between the word "suddenly" and the commar!
reminiscing me of - reminiscing isn't normally used on its own - Try: reminiscing over me?
loose control control over.- Spelling! Lose - Loose means something differnet :) - Again really Nitpicky! but a full stop is needed at the end of the sentence ;)
not only who- Not needs a capital! : Not
makes fake profile This should be: makes a fake profile
fun. With average With an average... that sounds slightly better.

I am such a nag!
I'm sorry about the length of the NitPicks but I only spend this much time on good writers because I want to make thier work better! Your writing is reallg good, your flow needs a little work (e.g Sentence Structure) just a simple proof-read can really have an effect on what you do when you publish it, for excample - Capital letters and Full Stops!
Your use of vocabulary is good, but you don't want to spend too much time on it. The use of too many, more unusal, words makes it too... edited? I'm not sure how to say it but really focus on word Choice.
On your actual story it was a good beginning, I really related to it. Facebook it slightly addictive and I'm thinking about seriously deleting it! ... I might never though... :) It is something all of us in some way can relate too, I also feel Facebook is a metaphor for the ups and downs of social life and you betray that sence with ease. It is a really good read and introduction. Again sorry about being a nag about it! I really did enjoy it, just focus more on word choice and sentence structure and it will be brilliant! :)
Lots of Love,
Evenslily x
Write and Smile people! X




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Mon Dec 05, 2011 4:53 pm
Angelreader77 says...



Hey!
I shall try and help as much as I can.
I like your overall plot, an interesting topic. I also like how you're trying to approach and show it, through light conversations; a touch of humor here and there makes it a good read. I didn't find many mistakes with your grammar and the flow was good as well. As said before, some of you're sentences are a bit long but that's alright. I also like your choice of words. I found it a bit annoying to read with so many spaces between the lines; try keeping the piece even.
Overall I liked it and I'd like to see where it goes. :D
-Angel
"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea." --Isaac Dinesen




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Mon Dec 05, 2011 5:18 pm
Blues says...



Hey Gawrav!

I'm here as requested. Let's get down to a review!

What Went Well

This definitely was one interesting piece. So far, it's intrigued me a bit - "A story about Facebook? Ooh. Must see." Facebook is something which is well-known for us teenagers so it's great to see a story which is quite easy to relate to, so kudos for that Murtuza taught me the meaning of that word :).

I also really like some of the explanations you gave too. I only deleted Facebook in February so not much has changed, but for someone who deleted it aaaages ago or doesn't even know anything about it, it's great. It doesn't feel like a manual or as if I need one because you didn't explain anything :)

Even Better If
I'm not going to nitpick because most people have already. I will say though is that make sure that you haven't split a paragraph unintentionally into two like here:

“Well, everything’s fine, I think they both are in Delhi pursuing degree from DU. You can find them on facebook,” He answered lamely. “Hey are you on facebook too?” Suddenly , he flashed me with a FAQ Spell it out and put FAQ in brackets this time so people understand it. Nice use of the word though :D , as if he was desperately trying to increase his Farmville neighbors and MAFIA gang

loitering around in malls and adding familiar faces.


That bit had a few problems which I fixed in bold.

Anyway, I have some issues:
1. Where is the conversation taking place? Mention it casually. I want to be able to imagine it!

2. Where's the conflict? Try and give a little thing of the conflict - well that doesn't really explain what I want to say. You know when on cooking programmes, they're like 'add a dash or a hint of lemon' (a tiny bit of lemon)? Imagine your plot's a lemon. Let me go "Ooh! What next?" or "What happened?"

3. Grammatical errors. You don't need to worry about them, but do try and proofread your work when you can. They can sometimes be a bit off putting.

Overall
I liked it. It's an interesting chapter with a lot of potential that needs to be brought out. I hope the issues I pointed out will help! You did intrigue me, however, I wouldn't say, enough. Definitely not to the maximum, which I think CAN be possible. You've got an interesting and cool idea on your side!

I do hope I wasn't harsh :) Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions. I'll try and read your next chapter tomorrow, because I have homework now :)

Keeeeeeep Writing!

Mac/AhmadBlues




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Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:57 am
AngelKnight900 says...



So many good posts and here I am, as late as ever. I agree with your previous reviewers. There are a few grammatical mistakes that you made and I think you should read it over. What I most liked about this though was your detail and you never failed to be both descriptive but interesting which is a hard thing to do because most of us are lazy readers if we just force ourselves to read something. I also love that you manged to put the truth out there and made it clear and you kind of put it in a form of a sermon that I just thought I should have said amen at the end of this. Good job on this. Keep writing and thanks for keeping me updated. I guess I have a lot of catching up to do.
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