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Tue Dec 21, 2010 12:10 pm
Yuriiko says...



You have fifty two minutes before you can step on the ground of California.


Goosebumps start to send chills all over your body but it isn’t the fact that you feel cold, rather you are nervous. Your body explicates it all: your jaws clenching, knuckles white and eyes roaming around the parking area. You couldn’t even look eye to eye to the girl a few feet beside you. The girl who has been your best friend all along and cliché as it may sound, you happen to like her more than as a friend.

Your right hand carries a dark green suitcase, just the right weight for your hands to not get numb, while the other one is free from anything. You hear the gentle rumbling of the suitcase wheels against the ground as the two of you begin to walk. And although you don’t want to admit it, you long for her warm hands that would make you feel comfortable and notice a spark as both of your hands intertwine.

But alas, you remember that those things are only meant for couples.

You suppose that being a coward guy is one of the reasons you can not place your arm around her petite shoulder or even run your fingertips through her silky brown hair. It might be because you don’t want your friendship to be over or you don’t want to get hurt.

Drops of cold sweat roll down under your shirt and it's getting uncomfortable. You want to say something but you might expect it much worse than before. Yes. Do you remember the time you tried to confess your feelings for her? But then both of you were outside her house and it rained suddenly?

What a total fail, you think to yourself. A chuckle escape from your lips as you reminisces those good times you were with her.

And how about today? Will your lips still turn into a smile after you go in the airport and see her wave goodbye?

Your eyes meet the ground, hopeless. You lift your wrist just enough for you to check the time in your silver watch. A watch as a gift given by the girl beside you.

Forty-five minutes more and your mind is in total confusion. Are you going to say it or just let it be like this? To act strong or to expect defeat?

A strong sense of courage awakes you from your brainstorming. And without thinking twice, the suitcase wheels decelerate and soon the girl becomes aware of it.

"I want to say something," you said in a low voice, that the girl has to come closer so she can hear you well.

She raises her eyebrows and squint both of her eyes. She wants to it hear again. So you take a deep breath and a swallow before you let go of your tenseness.

"I want to say something."

A curve appears across her face as she place few strands of her brown hair behind her ears. You know you like how she does that. And so, your blood rush up through your veins.

"What is it?"

Before saying the statement that you might regret or not, your forehead moist and so you wipe it off with your right sleeve. Your stomach is starting to lurch and your jaws tighten. This is now or never, boy.

"I--- I--I..." Your eyes start to roam all over the place, avoiding her eyes. With the people passing by, your attention sets to an old man seating at the waiting area. He is reading a newspaper without any presence of a single person or woman beside him. Your imagination takes over and leads you to be in his situation years from now, lonely and grey if you don't speak now.

"What is it?" Her anticipation wakes you up from your sudden illusion.

You heave out a small laugh and scratch your shaggy hair with red face. "I... y-you have something.... something on your face."

"Oh really?" At first the girl doubts it, folding her arms, but it takes her few seconds to dig her hand into her shoulder bag for a mirror. But in advance, your index finger swab off the make-believe dirt on her face so she won't find out about your pretty lie.

"There. It's gone." You try to fake smile at her when you notice her eyes in confusion.

"Thanks," says the girl, smiling back at you. And both of you start to pace again going towards the place you're going to hate.

You have lost your chance.

Not officially, not yet. You have to plan another strategy again and plus, it only takes about few seconds to say it, right?
Your eyes form slight wrinkles between your eyebrows because of contemplating, contemplating that today may possibly be the right time for your confession and even rejection. As you two are walking towards the entrance door, the silence fills the cold air. Her head seems to turn around the place and you can’t start a topic because you might stutter. This would be the only time to do it though, and you start to remind yourself that transferring to another country is an obligatory duty as the only son because no one else will take good care of your sick mom. Your mind seems to be in an argument of whether to confess or not. Then you don’t realize that you are already in front of an entrance glass door which reveals people mostly with coats or jackets against the cold weather. The door automatically slides open and the fresh morning air suddenly fades away, replaced by an artificial atmosphere.

Then you are welcomed by a cardboard woman receptionist which has the same height as the girl. You sneak a stare at her and good thing she doesn’t notice it. So you stare at her for few more seconds until she twitches her nose and looks back at you. You know that when she does that, it will give you a clue that she notices something suspicious. Oops, you wipe a drop of sweat from your head. The two of you are still walking and your hand still untouched. And few minutes later, the two of you stop when you reach the check-in area.

“So… this is a goodbye then?” She raises her eyebrow and you see her open arms.
“Yeah, it is.” You accept the hug and feel the warmth overcoming the coldness inside you. Her silky hair tickles your cheeks and you inhale her strawberry perfume as much as you can, as if it is going to be your last.
It is definitely your last.

The announcer reminds you that there is only thirty minutes left or the plane will depart without you.
And then you remember the locket you have been saving up for a month to buy for her. So you to dig your left hand into your coat pocket, and without letting her notice it, you pick it out and grip it close with your fist.
And as you separate from her, your lips twist into a smile when you hand onto her palm a silver locket. You notice her cheeks flush pink and her eyes glitter with surprise and contentment. Seeing her face like that, your heart seems to sink both in happiness… and regret.
Regret it is.

You want to say something but it feels like your tongue is tied with a rope, making it hard for you to speak. Her watery blue eyes reflect your face; you couldn’t stand to see it. So you take a big swallow and close your eyes to fight off the tension.

And reminding yourself of the time and with the saying that action speaks louder than words, you wrap your arm around her waist and pull her body toward yours.

“W-what are you doing?”

Without answering, you place your lips against her forehead and say, “Don’t ever forget about me.”
And before she could say anything, you part from her. Grabbing your baggage, you mutter a goodbye and turn back.
You hear her call out your name but you ignore it, not because of the time but because of your stupid pride.






Spoiler! :
Thank you guys for reading this. This is actually my first story where I used second POV (where the narrator uses "you" to dictate the main character's actions) and all in present tense. Please tear this apart if possible and your reviews will be very much appreaciated. :pirate3:

P.S Thank you reviewers! I have taken your suggestions into considerations. :3

Hope you like this guys!
Last edited by Yuriiko on Tue Feb 01, 2011 10:35 am, edited 12 times in total.
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal




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Tue Dec 21, 2010 4:40 pm
Shearwater says...



Hi, Daughter. ^.^ I'm here to review!

Nitpicks/Comments

Goosebumps start to send chills all over your body but it isn’t the fact that you feel cold, rather you are nervous

I don't remember ever getting goosebumps because I was nervous, I'd break a sweat or feel butterflies in my belly or maybe I'd even have to pee but goosebumps are a tad bit odd.
best friend all along and cliché’ it might sound, you happen to like her more than as a friend.

*Cliché
Also, I think it sounds better as 'best friend all along and as cliché as it may sound, you happen to like her more than a friend.'
And although you don’t want to admit it, you are longing for her warm hands that you assume would make you feel comfortable and notice a spark as both of your hands intertwine.

You seem to have a lot of things going on in one sentence, don't be afraid of short sentences, they're just as strong. Try breaking this up so it's easier to read and it might flow better.
But alas, you remember that those stuffs are only meant for couples.

I would replace stuff with things because using 'stuff' is kind of unprofessional.
You suppose of being a coward guy as one of the reasons why you could not place your arm around her petite shoulder or why you could not even caress and ran your fingertips through her silky brown hair

I think you're getting your words confused. "of" and "as".
You suppose 'that' being a coward -(omit the 'guy' because it's a given)- 'is' one of the reasons why you could not place your arm around her petite shoulder or (take out the extra wording) run your fingertips through her silky brown hair.
not because of the time but of your stupid pride.

*because of the time but because of your stupid pride.

Overall


O'kay! So, I think you did a nice job, Yurii, really. I like the melancholic feel to this and I liked the fact that they didn't kiss and run away together in the end. I seriously pictured it happening that way and was a bit edgy about it but thank god you didn't, that would have been very cliche otherwise.

There are a few concerns I have with this piece however that I'd like to share. First of all, it seems like there were a few parts in which your tense slipped from present to past and it made the wording quite awkward and difficult to read. You might want to take a second to go back and review this, you might catch your slip ups. As for writing in second person, wow...that's a bit different. I've never actually tried that but I might do it. Anyway, you did a good job and there weren't any "I's" in there so it was all good, not much to say about that. But there were some parts where I thought you were talking about girl in second person instead and it threw me off. Maybe you should give her a name so we're not confused whether you're talking about her or him. >.<

Overall, this was a nice piece and I could feel the emotion in it. I felt like the beginning was a bit rough but it became smoother after the middle. With that said, you might want to try using a butter knife to smooth out the beginning and pull us into the story. All in all, good job. ^.^

Hope this helped,
-Dad
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:28 pm
LauRux says...



Hey Yuriiko! I've got some critiques for you. ;)
Corrections in Red

Your heart is beating fast.


Goosebumps start to send chills all over your body but it isn’t the fact that you feel cold, rather you are nervous. Your body explicates it all: your jaws clenching, your knuckles are getting white and your steady eyes wander throughout the parking area. You couldn’t even look eye to eye with the girl a few feet beside you. The girl who has been your best friend all along and you happen to like more than as a friend.


Your right hand carries all along a dark green baggage, just the right weight for your hands to not get numb, while the other one is free from anything.What? I don't understand what the green bandage is. And although you don’t want to admit it, you are longing for her warm hands that you assume would make you feel comfortable and notice a spark as both of your hands intertwine.Aw!


But alas, you remember that those stuffs are only meant for couples.Stuff is a dead word, try something else


You suppose of being a coward guy is one of the reasons why you could not place your arm around her petite shoulder or why you could not even caress and run (keep it present tense) your fingertips through her silky brown hair. It might be because you don’t want your friendship to be over or you don’t want to get hurt.


Your eyes form slight wrinkles between your eyebrows because of contemplating, contemplating that today may possibly be the right time for your confession and even rejection. As you two are walking towards the entrance door, the silence fills the cold air. Her head is low and you can’t start a topic because you might stutter. This would be the only time to do it though, and you start to remind yourself that transferring to another country is an obligatory duty as the only son because no one else would take good care of your sick mom. Your mind seems to be in an argument of whether to confess or not. Then you don’t realize that you are already in front of an entrance glass door which reveals a lot of people, mostly in coats or jackets. The door automatically slides open and the fresh morning air suddenly fades away and is replaced by an artificial atmosphere.the first time I read this, I thought they were going to a shopping mall. I didn't know they were at an airport.


Then you get surprised by a cardboard woman receptionist which seems to have the same height as Allena’s. You sneak a stare at her and good thing she doesn’t notice it.So is he looking at Allena or the card board woman? So you stare at her for few more seconds until she twitches her nose and looks back at you.<--I like this You know that when she does that habit, she seems to notice something suspicious. Oops, you begin to wipe a drop of sweat from your head. The two of you are still walking and your hand still untouched. So you stop when you reach the check-in area.


“So… this is a goodbye then?” Allena raises her eyebrow and you see her open arms.

“Yeah, it is.” You accept the hug and feel the warmth overcoming the coldness inside you. Her silky hair tickles your cheeks and you inhale her strawberry perfume as much as you can, as if it is going to be your last.

It is definitely your last.:( poor MC

You have now fifteen minutes left or the plane will depart without you, according to the announcer from the speakers.


And then you remember the locket that is worth thirty-five dollars. The locket that you have been saving up for a month to buy for her. So you start to dig your left hand into your coat pocket, and without letting her notice it, you pick it out and grip it close with your fist. If he is so tight on money, how is he buying a plane ticket?


And as you separate away from her, your lips twist into a smile as you place the silver locket in her palm. You notice her cheeks flush pink and her eyes glitter with surprise and contentment.love that part Seeing her face like that, it seems that your heart sinks both in happiness… and regret.

Regret it is.


You want to say something but it feels like your tongue is tied with a rope, making it hard for you to speak. Her watery blue eyes reflect your face that, you couldn’t stand to see it. So you take a big swallow and close your eyes to fight off the tension.

And reminding yourself of the time and with the fact that action speaks louder than words, you pull in her body toward yours and feel your lips against her forehead. And before she could say anything you part away from her, grab your baggage and mutter a goodbye and turn back.

You hear her call out your name but you ignore it, not because of the time but of your stupid pride.




Well, I quite liked that! The way you wrote it was a little hard to comprehend, but I liked it. This could have turned into one big cliche, but you managed to keep it original. He didn't end up telling her, and that made me sad, but it makes sense. One thing you need to work on is making words "fit" in a sentence, you sometimes use "that" or "of" when you should be using a different word. I don't know it that makes sense. Anyway, keep writing!
Favorite books:

The Hunger Games

Eyes Like Stars

Life of Pi

Mortal Instruments

Howl's Moving Castle




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Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:34 pm
ArcticMonkey says...



Tweenie here to review as requested!

Overall:
I think that it flowed quite well, although sometimes it just didn’t seem very natural. Your grammar and spelling is generally great and I probably won’t mention much if not anything about it because PinkShearwater commented on everything I was going to say. I like the way you’ve portrayed each character and I found your beginning and ending very capturing. I shall go into more detail now!

Suggestions:
you remember that those stuffs are only meant for couples.

It would work better as something like, “you remember that that stuff are only meant for couples’ or, ‘that those things are only meant for couples’

Your eyes form slight wrinkles between your eyebrows because of contemplating, contemplating that today may possibly be the right time for your confession and even rejection.

The contemplating bit doesn’t really read well in my opinion. I think it would sound better if you found a synonym for ‘contemplating’ or phrased it differently. You know, whatever works for you.

Character:
I understand that in this piece you don’t focus on characters, so I don’t really know enough about them to make a comment. I think you were quite consistent throughout and you made a good job of this way you create characters. That probably doesn’t make a lot of sense... Sorry :)

Plot:
Now, again, it’s a bit hard for me to comment with a story of this type. I have to say; at some points I wasn’t really sure what was going on, or what everyone was doing. I read it over again to really understand what was happening, and generally, I think it makes for quite a good romantic short story.

Wording:
Now, you’ve used a lot of adjectives in this. Which I suppose it alright considering that this is a short story. Remember to use descriptive verbs such as, “the wobbly bike” explaining that the bike is about to fall, also remember to show and don’t tell! Which you pretty much did cover for this piece.
(Yes, I did steal that example from ‘101 Tips For Young Writers’ because I’m not creative enough to think of my own example ;))

Alright, thanks for the request! I’m sorry if I ever seemed harsh in any way, so as long as I helped you in some way, it’s all good :D

From Tamara
Someone told me there's a girl out there, with love in her eyes and flowers, in her hair.




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Wed Dec 22, 2010 12:25 am
Kaedee says...



Hey Yuriiko, Kaedee here for a speedy review! ^^

Overall, I thought this was good. Mainly you had some:

-grammar issues

-word choice issues (
Yuriiko wrote:your steady eyes wander
this makes sense, but it takes a bit for the reader to understand what you actually mean)

-parts that you should have flipped, (
Yuriiko wrote:feel your lips against her forehead
he would probably actually feel her forehead against his lips, not vice versa) minor sentence structure problems, etc.

Furthermore, I think you did very well with the POV, and tense! Here is one example of a tense mess up:
Yuriiko wrote:you couldn’t even look eye to eye


I think you did a decent job of getting your message and what you were trying to say to the readers, yet some parts of your story were a bit confusing. For example, it was confusing to sometimes understand what the MC was thinking and wanting to do, and I never really quite understood his relationship with this girl.

Voice wise, I think you did a pretty good job. :D I liked how this guy had at least some sense of humor, which makes the whole situation more light.

Hope I helped! Keep on writing-

KD
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler! :
*_______*




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Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:53 am
canislupis says...



Right, Yuri, here is your review! First, I did some nit-picky stuff line by line. Edited version is in the spoilers, comments in bold. :D

Spoiler! :
Your heart is beating fast.
Goosebumps start to send chills all over your body but it isn’t the fact that you feel cold, this is a bit 'telly' and also a run on sentence—change to a semi-colon rather you are nervous. Your body explicates Don't think this is the word you're looking for... it all: your jaws 'are' otherwise get rid of the next are.. ;Dclenching, your knuckles are getting white andno and your steady eyes wandering throughoutdifferent word here the parking area that you couldn’t even look eye to eye to the girl few feet beside you. I feel like I missing something, right before the “that”The girl who has been your best friend all along and cliché as it might sound, you happen to like her more than as a friend. This is an incomplete sentence.
Your right hand carries all alongI'd axe the 'all along' a dark green baggage,I think of baggage as plural. Is it a bag? just the right weight for your hands to not get numb, while the other one is free from anything. And although you don’t want to admit it, you are longing for her warm hands that you assume would make you feel comfortable and notice a spark as both of your hands intertwine. A bit wordy here. I'd also axe the “assume”
But alas, you remember that those stuffs are only meant for couples. [bLike this. :D[/b]
You suppose ofno 'of' being a coward guy is one of the reasons whyno why you could not place your arm around her petite shoulder or why you could not even caress and run your fingertips through her silky brown hair. It might be because you don’t want your friendship to be over or you don’t want to get hurt.
Your eyes form slight wrinkles between your eyebrows because of contemplating Delete italics contemplating that today may possibly be the right time for your confession and even rejection.Hmm... maybe just 'or rejection'? As you two are walking towards the entrance door, the silence fills the cold air. Her head is low and you can’t start a topic because you might stutter. This would be the only time to do it though, and you start to think to yourself that transferring to another country is an obligatory duty as the only son because no one else would take good care of your sick mom. Wait... what? That was unexpected. Also a slap in the face—I think some more explanation would be nice.Your mind seems to be in an argument delete the 'seems to be' as it qeakens the description—either his mind is arguing with itself, or not. :D of whether to confess or not. Then you don’t realize [b if he doesn't realize it, then how come he doesn't walk into it? :lol: that you are already in front of an entrance glass door which reveals a lot of people, 'reveals a lot of people' is weak.mostly in coats or jackets. better description—are they huddled in parkas against the cold? Otherwise its veering towards a police blotter description. ;) The door automatically slides open and the fresh morning air suddenly fades away and is delete this replaced by an artificial atmosphere.
Then you get surprised 'get surprised' is also weak. I like the next description, though. :D by a cardboard woman receptionist which seems to have the same height as Allena’s. Again with the 'seeming'. Also, who is Allena? I assume she's the girl, but I liked it when she was nameless. You sneak a stare at her and good thing she doesn’t notice it. So you stare at her for few more seconds until she twitches her nose and looks back at you. You know that when she does that habit, she seems *coughs * seems? to notice something suspicious. Oops, full stop. you begin in general, don't “begin' to do something either. He can just wipe it off. to wipe a drop of sweat form your head. The two of you are still walking and your hand still untouched. So you stop when you reach the check-in area.
“So… this is adelete 'a' goodbye then?” Allena raises her eyebrow this implies skepticism to me and you see her open arms.
“Yeah, it is.” You accept the hug and feel the warmth overcoming the coldness inside you. Her silky hair tickles your cheeks and you inhale her strawberry perfume as much as you can, as if it is going to be your last.
It is definitely your last.
You have now fifteen minutes left or the plane will depart without you, according to the announcer from the speakers. You're adding the speaker announcement as an afterthought. Either mention it happening, or him thinking about it.
And then you remember the locket that is thirty-five dollars worth. Is this necessary? Unless he's struggling for money, I'd find another way to emphasize its worth. The locket that you have been saving up for a month. Really? He forgot it until just now? I'd think he'd be nervously messing with it in his pocket. So you start to *starting to * again...dig your left hand into your coat pocket, and without letting her notice it, you pick it out and grip it close with your fist.
And as you separate away from her, your lips twist into a smile when you hand onto her palm awkward... maybe say “when you set the silver locket onto her palm”? a silver locket. You notice delete her cheeks flush pink and her eyes glitter with surprise and contentment Don't think that's the right word. Content makes me think of sleeping cats or relaxing after dinner, or something.. Seeing her face like that, it seems that your heart sinks both in happiness… and regret. Like this.
Regret it is. Not this—I don't think it's necessary.
You want to say somethingcomma but it feels like your tongue is tied with a rope, making it hard for you to speak. Her watery blue eyes reflect your face that you couldn’t stand to see it as you couldn't stand to see it?. So you take a big swallow and close your eyes to brush off the tension.
And reminding you with the time and with the saying that action speaks louder than words, huh?you pull in her body toward yours and feel your lips against her forehead. And before she can say anything you part away to part implies moving away. from her, grab your baggage comma, no 'and' mutter a goodbye and turn back.
You hear her call out your name but you ignore it, not because of the time but because of your stupid pride.


Overall, I like this story a lot. There are way too many stories about people who finally confess and then everything is good—la di da. Nothing wrong with them, of course, but I like the realism of having him just leave. I still feel like he'll come back sometime, but still, it was a good ending.

As for the second person, I'm not too wild about it. It tends to imply a third person watching, like the reader, and the story itself was very intimate. Plus, since the plot is simple, it was an annoying distraction. Most people aren't used to reading second person, so it tends to jump out at awkward moments. I'm not saying you should change it, but definitely alter the prose a bit so that it sounds like you're talking to the MC. Does that make sense? Instead of treating it like third person but with the 'hes' switched for 'yous' try acting like you're talking to him. For me, that makes it easier to stay connected to the character in second person while keeping the prose alive.

As for Allena, I still think she shouldn't have a name. xDFor some reason, it lessened the effect for me. Your MC doesn't have a name, and their characters in general aren't very developed. We have a vague notion that he has to go somewhere for his sick mother, but we don't know why. And we don't know how long he'll be gone—if it's only for a few months, who cares? She has almost no depth what soever. I didn't actually mind that—the story is about him, and his choice, and the plot works well if we think it can apply to anyone. Still, you might consider adding a few details to her character.

One other idea—have him go back and forth more in his head. Instead of just telling us he's having an argument, tell us his actual thoughts—have him *almost * tell her a few times, but decide not to. That way we get more suspence and care more when he finally leaves.

The edits I did on the prose itself were pretty basic—nothing really major, so kudos. It does still feel a bit rough in places, though, so I would consider doing a thorough edit on it, either reading it aloud or printing it out and going at it with a pencil. There are still quite a few places where it could be more vivid. For some reason seeing it off the computer screen makes it soo much easier to find errors. I don't know why that is, but I end up printing out almost all my short stories when I edit them.

You'll also notice a few places where I was telling you not to have your characters “seem to” or “begin to” do something. This isn't a big thing (more of a personal pet peeve) but it does weaken your prose—you want more immediate, precise descriptions rather than vague ones.

Anyway, I can't think of anything else! I really did enjoy reading it, so thanks. :D Also feel free to ask if you want me to look at this/somethig else again.

See you around!

Lupis




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Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:39 pm
AngelMarie says...



Red is corrections, and blue is comments :D


Yuriiko wrote:Your heart is beating fast. Great opening line, it really drug me in


Goosebumps start to send chills all over your body but it isn’t the fact that you feel cold, rather you are nervous. Your body explicates it all: your jaws clenching, your knuckles are getting white and your eyes wander throughout the parking area.You couldn’t even look eye to eye to the girl a few feet beside you. The girl who has been your best friend all along and cliché as it may sound, you happen to like her more than as a friend. I like how you describe this scene, you not only tell it, you show it. That's important.

Your right hand carries all along a dark green baggage, just the right weight for your hands to not get numb, while the other one is free from anything. And although you don’t want to admit it, you long for her warm handsnot sure, but i think there should be a comma here. that you assume would make you feel comfortable and notice a spark as both of your hands intertwine.


But alas, you remember that those things are only meant for couples.


You suppose that being a coward is one of the reasons why you could not place your arm around her petite shoulder or even run your fingertips through her silky brown hair. It might be because you don’t want your friendship to be over or you don’t want to get hurt.


Your eyes form slight wrinkles between your eyebrows because of contemplating, contemplating that today may possibly be the right time for your confession and even rejection. As you two are walking towards the entrance door, the silence fills the cold air. Her head is low and you can’t start a topic because you might stutter. This would be the only time to do it though, and you start to remind yourself that transferring to another country is an obligatory duty as the only son because no one else would take good care of your sick mom. Your mind seems to be in an argument of whether to confess or not. Then you don’t realize that you are already in front of an entrance glass door which reveals a lot of people, mostly in coats or jackets. The door automatically slides open and the fresh morning air suddenly fades away and is replaced by an artificial atmosphere. I like the feelings in this scene. The argument within the MC's mind.
Then you get surprised by a cardboard woman receptionist which seems to have the same height as Allena’s. You sneak a stare at Allena and good thing she doesn’t notice it. So you stare at her for few more seconds until she twitches her nose and looks back at you. You know that when she does that, she seems to notice something suspicious. Oops, you begin to wipe a drop of sweat from your head. The two of you are still walking and your hand still untouched. So you stop when you reach the check-in area.


“So… this is a goodbye then?” Allena raises her eyebrow and you see her open arms.

“Yeah, it is.” You accept the hug and feel the warmth overcoming the coldness inside you. Her silky hair tickles your cheeks and you inhale her strawberry perfume as much as you can, as if it is going to be your last.

It is definitely your last.

You have now fifteen minutes left or the plane will depart without you, according to the announcer from the speakers.


And then you remember the locket that is thirty-five dollars worth. The locket that you have been saving up for a month to buy for her. So you start to dig your left hand into your coat pocket, and without letting her notice it, you pick it out and grip it close with your fist.


And as you separate away from her, your lips twist into a smile when you hand onto her palm a silver locket. You notice her cheeks flush pink and her eyes glitter with surprise and contentment. Seeing her face like that, it seems that your heart sinks both in happiness… and regret.

Regret it is.


You want to say something but it feels like your tongue is tied with a rope, making it hard for you to speak. Her watery blue eyes reflect your face, you couldn’t stand to see it. So you take a big swallow and close your eyes to fight off the tension.

And reminding yourself of the time and with the saying that action speaks louder than words, you pull in her body toward yours and feel her forehead against your lips. And before she could say anything you part away from her, grab your baggage and mutter a goodbye and turn back.

You hear her call out your name but you ignore it, not because of the time but because of your stupid pride. I love the ending, I love how it kind of leaves you hanging.


Spoiler! :
Thank you guys for reading this. This is actually my first story where I used second POV and all in present tense. Please tear this apart if possible and your reviews will be very much appreaciated. :pirate3:

P.S Thank you reviewers! I have taken your suggestions into considerations. :3

Hope you like this guys!






Okay sorry this isn't much of a review. But i really don't see anything wrong with this, so the only thing i can do is compliment your wonderful work! :D great job! Keep writing! :D
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Mon Dec 27, 2010 9:25 am
RacheDrache says...



Hi Yuri!

'Tis Rach, here to review, as requested! I'm not as good with short stories, but I'll give it my best shot. Also, I haven't read any of the other critiques, so I apologize for any redundancies.

Despite not being one for romance, I did like this. I think the second person, present tense was the reason why I liked it, in fact. While second person can be most definitely tricky, I think you made it work. It added something to the story (a rare thing for second person) because, hey--this wasn't some random fictional dude I was supposed to care about for the space of the page. The second person allowed me to focus on the situation rather than the participants.

To that end, I recommend not aiming 'the girl.' She suddenly had to be someone specific and particular then, not whomever my imagination wanted to come up with. So, perhaps take out the names and leave her as merely the girl/woman this You loves? Also, take out the comment about her eyes being blue. Let the reader take over the story.

Hmm... I think the others caught most of the grammar errors and such, but this could still use a good proofread. There were some errors floating about here and there, but they're nothing major. So, onward!

I guess my main advice would be to continue to strip this story to its barest form possible. Who cares what You's reasons are for leaving? They aren't important. Also, they start to identify You and You is supposed to be as nondescript as possible. So, give us a sense that he has no choice but to leave, but don't say why that is.

In the same vein, strip adjectives like a maniac, only keeping the ones you are absolutely dead-sure contribute something 100% worthwhile to the text.

Or at least, that's what I'd recommend doing. The more minimal it is, the more the reader fleshes it out with details from his or her own life.

I'd also suggest finding a male to read this.

To me, it doesn't really even seem like a romance, since it's not really about his love for her but about his inability to express it for one reason or another.

But anyway, on a technical note...you use 'seem' and 'feel' quite a lot. If this were 3rd person, I'd tell you to go get rid of them without a moments hesitation. But in the end, I'm not all that familiar with 2nd person myself, so I don't know... My instincts say to use sparingly, and to look for stronger verbs to use regardless.

Other than that, I can't think of much to say. More literary, stylistic pieces are always hard for me to critique since they're so much more subjective. But, I did like this. 'Twas a worthwhile read, and I wish you the best of luck with it!

Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach
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Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:21 am
DissolvedIntoCoffee says...



Hey there, Yuri. :)

I should say that I very much liked the title of this. I was a little on the fence thematically once I'd finished, but then my eyes wandered back to the title and I had an, "Oh, all right" realization moment. Which actually says a lot, because so many short story titles are arbitrary.

Second person always, always confuses the bejeesus out of me. I do personally believe that it's little-used for a lot of good reasons, but it gifted you a couple of really lovely lines! The "cardboard receptionist" and the anecdote that turned into the "what a total fail" one-liner. Only in second person could you get at that level of character endearment and intimacy.

And yet the nature of second person makes this piece difficult to invest oneself in, and reader investment is (usually) what short realistic fiction is all about. I was reading this piece as a teenage girl with no immediate personal desire to confess my love to anyone, and so the second person "you happen to like her as more than a friend" and "because of your stupid pride" lines rubbed me wrong because they simply weren't true. They set up a barrier between myself and my personal investment in the piece because it was impossible for me to relate or accept all of the things the narrator said.

In my opinion, second person works best with completely feasible lines-- "you're holding this" and "you blink now." Readers are far more comfortable with having imaginary suitcases shoved in their hands than they are emotions. A really excellent second person narrative should direct the reader physically without employing emotional articulation at all. The reader sort of ghosts along through the precise action and that leads them into the intended emotional and mental outcome (just like a story works with a theme.)

I think in some ways this story is already radiating that kind of vibe-- the anecdotes of past action work really well, and so does the insertion of the minimal details like the sweat on his face-- but for me the vague emotion detracted from the precision. I wanted to be totally invested and involved with the piece, but I couldn't fit into your narrator's shoes.

As for actual suggestions that aren't babbling: I think this piece could be really freaking awesome if you combed it for those vague emotionally expletive lines and replaced them with more precise detail. I kept visualizing the story as something on the brink of an emotional study. To make it minimalistic and allow any given reader to simply mentally perform all of the actions your narrator does and then be left to form their own conclusions would be a really cool experience.

But those are just my random second person envisionings. It's your piece, so I shouldn't harp too much.

I did find the story charming, relatable, and down-to-earth as is. Send me questions if you have any, and thanks for the read!

Dissolved
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Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:42 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey Yuri! How's you?

Okay, so here is a co-judge of Skins' exclusive She's the Man contest. I'd now review you plus judge you right here on the basis of the task you had been handed. I hope I am help! 8)

[
Spoiler! :
quote]Your right hand carries all along a dark green baggage, just the right weight for your hands to not get numb, while the other one is free from anything.
[/quote]I felt telling that the other hand is free from anything and going into the weight and all just exaggerated the sentence, and it'd be better off without you doing that.

Your heart is beating fast.
For the starters, I honestly did like your opening line. It was simple and it really pushed me forward to see and made me want to read more of this. On the other hand, I really think it's a clichéd opening and it has been often that I've come across a line like this. Even though it draws me in to the story, I'd really like something more innovative or something of the same sort but said differently. I am not going to whine on this much, because basically this is a writer's wish. But I just felt this kind of line, or actually same line has been over-used. So, you might want to change that.


Honestly telling, the best thing in the story was the end. Usually when we read these kind of stories, we hope the couple would have a sweet reunion and all would end well but that wasn't the case here. The other thing I liked was that even though it seemed a bit clichéd in the beginning, it wasn't at last. Usually we have been having this idea for so long and really speaking the truth I want this idea to be banned somehow, but the thing that kept me into your story was the second POV and the other thing was that your end wasn't what it had turned out to be in the beginning.

The biggest problem I had in here was that there was this mention of the wheels. I know and even others would have understood that all this while you had been talking of the wheels of the suitcase, but at first I was confused. Because you said they were walking but then there was mention of wheels, so it'd be best if you do mention. Apart from this, I felt your descriptions need a little work. Don't get me wrong-I am the one who do over-describing, but I'd really like for you to bring in more of descriptions. Like I know even though boys don't go on thinking about the sky and all, but a little bit of mention of it is not unnatural for them to think. Also, like he likes this girl-you told us. You also gave us instances of how or what all he likes about her, but the thing I would like to know more would be how she looks. Where this story was set? Other thing. For me, it could be in your country, or it could be in US, Europe or anywhere. I don't want you to go deep into all that, but just a little bit. Readers like to imagine and picture everything and telling them about the background of the MCs would make them more glued to the story. Perhaps not always. But you have to decide when or when not to do it.

On the other hand, I really liked some words you used here and there. I haven't read much of your work before, but this was quite better than whatever I have read till now. You seem to have improved and the one thing I'd suggest you to do would be writing more and more. Just once in a month you could go and write some short article, story, because that way you would be in a habit of writing and as they say-you improve more. This is concerning your personal writing. Just try to write more. I am not imposing this on you-I'd never do that. xD!

From the contest POV:
I think you managed pretty well with both second POV and male POV. I am not very good at writing male POV myself, but I can tell you tried pretty hard not to make it sound like guy and it showed. Sometimes, I think he was over-reacting with the sweat thing but that could be because of his fear. But still you cut it down a bit, because that would make him seem surely a girly guy, which I am sure you don't want. :wink: Even though you missed out some words, and as Pink said had some problem with tenses, nothing was too grave, so I am going to spare you on that. Also, the place where you write 'goosebumps' in the beginning could have been toned down a bit. What's to feel like this in here? I get the point he is afraid and all but using this word just makes it seem too over-dramatic. Also, for the ending, what happened? He just ran away? Why? He couldn't have accompanied her where she was going? You might wanna introduce bit of that. Else, it would be fine other way, too.

On whole, this was sweet, and the best thing was the end. You could take in the advice of others. I didn't have much to say since they've nit=picked this piece pretty well.

Have a nice time,
Shrubbery!

Thanks for participating!
Last edited by MiaParamore on Sun Mar 27, 2011 10:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Mon Jan 03, 2011 6:43 am
Yuriiko says...



Thank you so much guys for the review!

Shubhi- I changed the opening line and about the setting, the girl accompanied the boy in the airport because the guy has to leave because his mother is sick. Hope you understand that.
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Tue Jan 04, 2011 9:24 pm
ilovemyboys says...



This was great. I read it and you actually have quite a talent for this type of thing. I love that it didn't end in the cheesy cliché way that most stories do, but ended with the protagonist regretting not telling the girl about the deep feelings he has for her. Its a good piece but could do with a little more detail, like when he started having these feelings for her, and exactly why he decided against confessing them. This piece is good.
Keep writing!
Georgie x
They don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart
Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin
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Sat Jan 08, 2011 2:27 pm
Megan1234 says...



I loved the story, though I'd love to know where it takes place. Like the country he is in, and the country he is leaving to.

Now for my grammar nit-picks:

Drops of cold sweat rolled down under your shirt and it's getting uncomfortable.

There is a bit of a tense shift here. Maybe try "Drops of cold sweat roll under your shirt..."

the wheel discontinued rolling

I dunno if it is just me, but it seems that wheel should be plural.

you said in a low voice that the girl has to come closer before she can comprehend well.

This confused me. It didn't flow well, like other sentences. Perhaps try... "you said in a low voice, making the girl come closer in order to comprehend."

She raise her eyebrows and squint both of her eyes

Shouldn't it be raises and squints, since eyebrows and eyes are two plural objects?

A curve appear

Would make more sense as appears.

You know you like how the way she does that.

"the way" isn't neccesary. "how the way she does that"? Does that make sense? No. Perhaps this was written in a rush, or you had lots of thoughts coming at once?


There's a few other spelling/grammatical mistakes, but I supplied the gist of them. Hope I helped :D
<3 Meg




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Sat Jan 08, 2011 3:06 pm
MiaParamore says...



Yuri, I like the opening line now. :D
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Sun Jan 09, 2011 1:43 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Well, wowee, am I ever late!

Yuri, what else can I add to this? haha.

Well, I can give you my opinion, right?

I loved it. Absolutely loved it. I'm not used to reading 2nd person POV, but I'd heard that for some people, it throws them off:pulls them out of the story. It wasn't the case for me. It really pulled me in. As if 'you' was really 'me', you know? We've all had situations where we chickened out where we wanted to be brave. I could totally relate to that.

I think you did quite a fabulous job of this contest, oh daughter of mine.

Good luck, and sorry I couldn't be more helpful!

Mom.







Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman