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Foreign Bloom



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Tue Jun 15, 2010 1:26 pm
GildedLily says...



Foreign Bloom

Precious, pliant seed, you, washed on this new land by jealous current, are pitiable.
How often have lonely pilgrims landed desolate, crushed by native resistance?
To prosper here, you must be Spartan, laconic.
This isn’t your home of orient, where bamboo shoots and orchids flourish, and the perfume of Eden still lingers.
Though you may miss your land of tigers and silk, imagine the possibilities here.
Forget, rejoice!
Through these verdant greens and corky soil, soon you shall be the churlish conqueror, with no enemies but your own clinging to what has already passed.
Last edited by GildedLily on Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:09 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





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Tue Jun 15, 2010 5:41 pm
Calligraphy says...



This isn't really in poem format. If you change it I would be happy to review. :)

A. S.

P.S. I haven't seen you around so I just want to say I general hello. <3
Stay Golden
  





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Tue Jun 15, 2010 8:06 pm
GildedLily says...



Calligraphy,
Actually, many poems (such as this) can be written in paragraph form, especially when they are written like letters. Still, I understand that you mean the format can run together easily, so for convenience I've changed it. :)
By the way, thank you for the hello!
  





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Tue Jun 15, 2010 8:52 pm
Kale says...



Here as requested.

I actually think this works better as a prose poem, otherwise, I suggest getting a bit more creative with the line breaks. Right now, they're just at the end of every sentence, and while this is logical, it doesn't add much to the poem. Line breaks can really enhance or clarify the meaning of certain ideas. For example, the first sentence confused me until I realized that the "washed..." part was parenthetical. Breaking it up into lines would help make this sentence more easily digestible. One possible configuration:

Precious, pliant seed, you,
washed on this new land by jealous current,
are pitiable.

On other thing I noticed:

Through these verdant greens and corky soil(comma) soon you shall be the churlish conqueror, with no enemies but your own clinging to what has already passed.


Overall, you made a very effective use of alliteration, and I really liked all the allusions to the traditionally ascribed opulence of the Orient. It made for some refreshing imagery.

Is this seed perhaps a coconut?
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR
  





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Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:14 pm
GildedLily says...



Kyllorac,
Thank you so much for the review. I appreciate it greatly! :D Your tips on line breaks were especially useful.
Perhaps it is a coconut. In truth, I was thinking more metaphorically.
Could be a pineapple.
  





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Wed Jun 16, 2010 5:31 am
vox nihili says...



GildedLily wrote:Foreign Bloom

Precious, pliant seed, you, washed on this new land by jealous current, are pitiable. 'you' is not really needed in this sentence; it's already apparent you are talking to the seed.

I love the sound of this poem already. It reminds me of the dialect in Shakespeare.

How often have lonely pilgrims landed desolate, crushed by native resistance? It seems like it's missing a pause or syllable somewhere in this line, maybe between 'landed' and 'desolate'...or maybe an article (as in, the, a, etc) before 'native'
To prosper here, you must be Spartan, laconic. Wow, impressive vocabulary. As much of an advocate for a great vocabulary as I am, I'd still suggest a little simpler second adjective, maybe something to back up Spartan, like 'rugged'...or well, you get the idea. But two obscure adjectives in the same clause are a little heavy on the vocabulary; it takes away from the flow of the phrase.
This isn’t your home of orient, where bamboo shoots and orchids flourish, and the perfume of Eden still lingers. This really needs to be 'but' or 'yet'...your pick.
Though you may miss your land of tigers and silk, imagine the possibilities here. For some reason, it seems like the single
Forget, rejoice!
Through these verdant greens and corky soil, soon you shall be the churlish conqueror, with no enemies but your own clinging to what has already passed.


Overall: this is an amazing poem. I love the tone you take to describe in such dramatic terms. It just struck me as well, you acheived a great piece using second person. It's unusual to me, at least, to read a piece in second person that doesn't sound amateur, but you pulled it off with a flourish! Great job!

Keep writing!

~Voxina
  





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Wed Jun 16, 2010 9:27 am
jessedrop says...



Hi there :)

I must say I really enjoyed this poem!

This isn’t your home of orient, where bamboo shoots and orchids flourish, and the perfume of Eden still lingers.

-This line especially was lovely, it really flowed and the imagery is brilliant.

The subject of the poem is something that I have not come across before which is probably why I enjoyed the poem so much. Your description works well without it being too intrusive and taking away from the poem. It also ended well and where it should have ended - there is nothing worse than reading a good poem that then goes on for way too long and you end up getting bored of it - well done, keep it up!

Jesse
I've frequently not been on boats.
  








The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest