I’m not in the mood to mention to her my encounter Murtagh or my thoughts about it.
Suddenly everything makes a lot of sense;
Elinor Brynn wrote:Only moments later, I hear another knock at the door. Could Sarah and Helena be back already? I open the door to see my sister’s glowing smile. I know it's still a little early, but this feels like a laundry list. Also, I think you should revise that sentence. It's a little awkward. She’s as lovely as she’s always been—her bouncy blonde curls and mint-green dress make me feel like a peasant. Remember, these are you character's thoughts. Would she really think "bouncy blonde curls" when she sees her sister? Sarah’s staring at me, and I know what she’s thinking. I bring her the white box, and she breathes a sigh of relief. As I go back into the house, the two follow me. Okay, this is officially a laundry-list. Almost everything has the same sentence pattern. Shake it up, Eli. Also, avoid starting too many sentences with "I". “Madeleine,” Helena whispers Why is she whispering?, “It’s good to see you!” I bring her close in a hug. “It’s good to see you too!” “I’ll leave you two alone for now,” Sarah says, “Shall I fetch Miss Isabelle?” “Yes,” says Helena, “I want to see how little Isabelle is doing.” Sarah nods and takes off into the hallway, and I gesture for Helena to sit onto the couch. “What’s it like being married?” I ask her. “Lovely,” Helena says, her eyes glowing. “George is good to me.” “That’s wonderful,” I say Normally I'm all for "say", but you overdo it. Not every line of dialog needs a tag., “You only deserve the best.” At this Helena blushes beet-red. I can’t help but smile, as I’m very happy for her Show us thoughts that allow us to infer she's happy.. However, I can’t help but think about the fact that he’s in Port Royal right now, in possible danger. I know Helena must be thinking the same thing, so I try as best as possible to avoid the subject and discuss positive topics. Show, don't tell. However, Helena brings it up anyway. “I’m scared,” she says, “for George as well as Father.” “Why?” I say, trying to play stupid. Eli, I know this is a historical, so the last part of that sentence - trying to play stupid - is kind of awkward here. It's almost modern. There ought to be some other way to say it. I knew there was something Father wasn’t telling me. “They’re just going to deliver food and clothes.” “No,” Helena says, “They’re going to go after the pirates.” Suddenly everything makes a lot of sense: why Father didn’t want me to worry, why he might be gone for longer than a day. I open my mouth to speak, but then Isabelle comes into the foyer. “Little sister! This is incredibly stilted and it actually sounds stupid.” Helena exclaims. “How are you?” Isabelle smiles and runs over toward her. “I’m good!” We both scoot over to make room for her on the couch. It's silent for the next few seconds. Helena’s beet red You used "beet red" a while ago, so maybe change the metaphor. again. She opens her mouth to speak, and then closes it. “What?” Isabelle asks her. “I have fantastic news for the both of you,” she says, “George and I were going to tell you over dinner, but I don’t think he’ll mind if I just tell you. I’ve been bursting ever since we planned that we were going to come here Last part of this sentence is awkward.. Father already knows.” Both Isabelle and I stare at each other Maybe exchange glances? Stare at each other is kinda weird. and smile widely. We both know what she means. ‘You’re pregnant!” I exclaim. “Yes,” she says, “I’m going to be a mother.” We all laugh in unison. “That’s wonderful!” I say. “Congratulations! When is it due?” “In March!” Helena says. “I’m very excited. George is hoping for a son, but I want a daughter.” “Mother would be so proud of you.” All of this seems like fluff. It is then I notice that Isabelle has gone quiet. Her eyes go distant; it’s the same look that Murtagh had when he was telling me how he met Isabelle. She’s breathing heavily, and my mind tracks back to the earlier thought I had that Isabelle and Murtagh could have courted. They must have, and just split. It makes sense-Helena’s talking about marriage and pregnancy and luck in her relationship; I bet Isabelle only wishes she could have the same. She gets up, and I can tell she’s holding back tears. “Isabelle?” Helena asks. “What’s wrong, little sister? It's weird that Helena calls Isabelle "little sister".” She doesn’t answer and instead storms off into the hall. Helena stares at me, confused. “What was that?” “I don’t really know,” I answer. I’m not in the mood to mention to her my encounter Murtagh or my thoughts about it. “She just needs some time alone, I think. Do you want to go into my bedroom? We can talk more there.” “Lovely,” Helena says. She’s trying to smile, but I can tell she’s still confused and frustrated over the incident. “Let’s go.”
It silent for the next few seconds.
Both Isabelle and I stare at each other and smile widely. We both know what she means.
It is then I notice that Isabelle has gone quiet. Her eyes go distant; it’s the same look that Murtagh had when he was telling me how he met Isabelle. She’s breathing heavily, and my mind tracts back to the earlier thought I had that Isabelle and Murtagh could have courted. They must have, and just split. It makes sense-Helena’s talking about marriage and pregnancy and luck in her relationship; I bet Isabelle only wishes she could have the same.
Elinor Brynn wrote: However, I can’t help but think about the fact that he’s in Port Royal right now, in possible danger.“I’m scared,” she says, “for George as well as Father.”
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