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The Specters of Verity & Angelica Flink~ Intro ((Redone))



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Sat May 29, 2010 1:42 am
SilverSharpie says...



**Sorry to have something so short, but I would still love a review**

Mrs. Morganstern was doing her grocery shopping- the faded list held in her hand was written in the awkward handwriting of her six year old grandson. The paper was translucent your hand would have passed through it as thought it were a fragment of mist. Chelsea Popover had just done so and Mr. McDerwood was on a collision course, too. Mrs. Morganstern could see them and and also little Bethany Brackles over in the soup isle but they could see neither her nor Beth.

To be a ghost is a nice thing, you become who you were in the best time of your life and spend the rest of your time however you choose to.

Abigail Morganstern was, after her shopping, going to go have tea with Tabitha Ruth Willingsbury and hopefully go see her daughter- but, sadly, her daughter wouldn't be seeing her. She didn't think of it as haunting for she never rearranged the furniture or whistled through the hallways like some folk did. She had never approved of that sort of traipsing about, although Mr. Morganstern did occasionally for kicks. She thought is was a dirty habit that only the Haunters did, ghosts who had only chosen not to Go On to spite a person and then later, all of mankind.

She was on way down Fort Mills Road, down to to see Tabitha, and she could see life as it was when she was around, as it it is now, superimposed over her time, and little flashes of what it must have looked like in the past all running together and overlapping like an ancient mosaic that someone kept adding layers to with translucent tile so it had a strange sort of melting and growing effect. She turned into to Tabitha's house- now an office building- and had to ignore the odd flashes of other people and places running together. All the layers were easy to shut out accept that of the present; it was all way so oddly... present.

Tabitha had some new intelligence, or rather gossip, that she had over heard on one of her trips to the Cafe- the very finest place to here present gossip for that's where all the present would slacken their jaws. Tabitha was, even in death or perhaps more so, the queen of sidling right up to a troupe of chit chatters and hearing the very freshest of info around.

"I'm telling you Abby, it's like I said, they have one coming here!" She was self righteously pursing her lips in disapproval, her wide mouth ready to jabber as soon as Abby Morganstern made a reply. Tabitha had chosen to look as she did back in her twenties for her ghost-hood- Abby chose a more sedate fiftyish when she felt rather wise and regal.

"Well, what did you expect. Verity is the perfect place for Crosser to come and learn the ropes! Why, I'd be insulted if Edgar brought her elsewhere being that this is where he started out." Abby was actually rather excited for this turn of events for she hadn't yet been a ghost when Edgar was brought here for his learning so she really couldn't wait to really know a Crosser.

Tabitha shook her head, Abby was such a space sometimes- Abby thought very much the same of her generally. "But Crossers are always such a mess! And what if this one is the sort that goes around shrieking with terror and telling everyone that this town is haunted? What are we to do then, hmm?" She shook her head. She mostly didn't want a little Crosser underfoot because they tend to disturb the routine of things they tend to be needy and skittish and unsure or just plain panicky.

"Well, we haven't got much choice have we." Abby was unfazed by Tabitha's points and stayed rather excited about the whole prospect of her future; she had never really minded a little exit from routine. "She's coming at the end of the month, now isn't she. Edgar has already decided."

Yes, Angelica Flink was indeed coming to Verity along with the winds of change and her band-aid collection.
Last edited by SilverSharpie on Sun May 30, 2010 4:44 pm, edited 7 times in total.
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Sat May 29, 2010 2:48 am
silentpages says...



This is an interesting premise, but there are quite a few typos/grammatical errors you might want to watch out for.

Not sure, but is six year old supposed to be six-year-old?

'The paper was translucent your hand...' Sentence should end after translucent.

'In fact, if you have ever walked through Verity Square, it's likely you've passed not only through the list(,) but Mrs. Morganstern as well (not sure what should seperate these phrases, but I think they do need to be seperated somehow...) never even knowing what you had done.'

Other little things like that. I'd proofread a bit more... But then again, we could all proofread a little more. XD

Also, this is an intro? The narrative is alright... But it's an awful lot of telling instead of showing, on the verge of becoming an info-dump. Is there a way you could bring this information into the piece itself, without the big long explanation? Unless you plan on using this style of narrative the whole way through, which wouldn't be bad... In fact, it could even be entertaining! Just suggesting though, I think it might be more gripping if you show a little more.

For example, maybe instead of saying that it's possible to walk through Mrs. Morganstern, have someone actually do it?

It's all up to you, though, and I do think that it could maybe be left the way it is if you want. Just my opinion. :smt002

All in all, this was a good start. ^^ I'm interested to know how Angelica Flink is going to react to these other planes...
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  





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Sat May 29, 2010 1:01 pm
SilverSharpie says...



Thanks for reviewing me! I like your suggestions and... I do need some more proof reading. I hope I can refurbish this soon.
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Sat May 29, 2010 1:11 pm
Thegirlwholived says...



Very interesting... I believe, though, that you could use work on the whole "Show Don't Tell" thing. You kind of just threw the ideas out there, which sometimes loses the reader's interest. Also, you could use some commas and the occasional GUMS in some places.
Other than that, this was an interesting piece, and I look forward to reading other works of yours :)

~Kim~
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Sat May 29, 2010 1:13 pm
SilverSharpie says...



Thanks for the review and I should get some changes in pretty soon! Hopefully you'll re-review once it's touched up.
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Mon May 31, 2010 1:53 am
canislupis says...



Hi there! And welcome to YWS! I hope you like it as much as I do. So far, my experience has been great and I've learned more about writing here than practically anywhere else.

But on to the review.

First of all, short isn't necessarily bad. I actually prefer reading shorter stuff because I don't have to stare at the computer screen for forever. ;)

But, because it is short, let's look at why it's short.

First, I found one or two articles that you may find helpful. :)

1. Characters. You need quite a bit more development in this area. Here is one article that may help.

2. Description. This is by far the most helpful one I've found.

And a few more things while I'm at it:


3. Run-on sentences/grammar:
While I couldn't find any links for this, and don't have time to get too involved in it at the moment, I did notice way too many run-on sentences in this piece. ;) You really need to watch out for them. Try reading it aloud--I often find that it helps to find those weird errors that your eyes skip over. Also helps to find awkward flowing places. And watch your comma usage. There were a lot of mistakes there as well.

If you need help, PM me and I'll go more into detail.

4. Show vs. Tell: This is a biggy, and probably my biggest suggestion for you. Because I'm a bit too tired to explain it myself at the moment, here is another article. This is one of the most often brought up things on YWS, so you'll probably get tired of hearing it, but nonetheless, I have to say it.

For instance, in your piece, you say stuff like "XX was doing this. YY was angry." etc. Which is boring! SHOW us xx doing the thing, or what yy's body language is like.


5. Suspence: When you tell us everything up front, what more is there for us to wonder about? I know this isn't a suspenceful story. What I really mean by that is: "what is there to make us keep reading?" the suspence. When we NEED to know what's going to happen next.

Let's take a look at the ending:

Yes, Angelica Flink was indeed coming to Verity along with the winds of change and her band-aid collection.


Does this make us want to read more? Not really. Why? Because everyone is happy and there is no conflict. Which is my next point.

6. Conflict. Yep, you need more. What is this? Conflict=what is stopping the character(s) from getting what they want. Without conflict you have no story. With this, for example, and obvious one is that she is a ghost and cannot contact the living. But is anyone shown to be hurting because of this? Nope! They seem quite cheerful, actually, which isn't interesting.

7. Dialogue: This really should be under the grammar/mechanics section, but because it is confusing, here is another article. :)


So, I hope this helps you revise. I do like your idea, but I feel like it needs a little polishing up. Take care of plot and character stuff before mechanics and typos because you'll probably end up changing a lot anyway.

If you need any help whatsoever or have questions about any of this, PM me.

And once this is edited, I'll be happy to come back and "re-review" ;)

Good luck, and keep writing!

Lupis
  





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Mon May 31, 2010 2:59 pm
silentpages says...



'The paper was translucent your hand would have passed through it as thought it were a fragment of mist' 'thought' should be 'though', and something still has to be done near that 'translucent.' Either the sentence needs to end after it or - and I think this is what you were trying to do, come to think of it - you need a 'so' between 'was' and 'translucent.'

'She was on way down Fort Mills Road' Huh? Might want to rephrase this a little, 'cause I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say.

I liked the addition you made describing the 'Haunting' ghosts. ^^ And the 'mosaic' description of how the world looks to ghosts. :)

'the very finest place to here present gossip for that's where all the present would slacken their jaws.' here should be hear, comma after gossip, second present changed to present people? Not quite sure, but I think something needs to be done with this sentence...

'place for Crosser to come' A crosser or crossers, but just saying Crosser made me think it was a name for a second.

Still some other grammar/punctuation errors. I know proofreading is a drag, but you need more than spellcheck, hon. Go through very carefully, taking it slow, and at least fix the most obvious errors so that the reader doesn't have to stumble past them. Because, speaking for myself, errors can be distracting for me, and I can't focus on the actual story as much. If you're bad with grammar, find someone who's good with it! Pass on a draft to your parents, your geeky friend, that nerd who sits behind you in English class... ;) Get some help with it! ^^

'Tabitha shook her head, Abby was such a space sometimes- Abby thought very much the same of her generally. "But Crossers are always such a mess! And what if this one is the sort that goes around shrieking with terror and telling everyone that this town is haunted? What are we to do then, hmm?" She shook her head. She mostly didn't want a little Crosser underfoot because they tend to disturb the routine of things they tend to be needy and skittish and unsure or just plain panicky.' end a sentence after 'routine of things'.

This whole thing has more or less been in Abby's point of view, right? So it's a little odd to switch to Tabitha in the second to last paragraph and then right back to Abby. Speaking from different characters' point of view is alright, and having an omnicient, all-knowing narrator is alright, too, but I was thinking, "Okay! In this chapter I'm following Abby! She's the character I'm going to get information from and learn more about!" So it threw me off with the sudden switch to Tabitha.

Here's what I would do:
Tabitha shook her head. "Abby, you are such a space sometimes!" Abby had often thought the same thing about her. "Crossers are always such a mess! And what if this one is the sort that goes around shrieking with terror and telling everyone that this town is haunted? What are we to do then, hmm?" She shook her head. "Honestly, they're so needy... skittish... unsure... And some of them are just plain panicky."

See how all that information got put into the story without leaving Abby's point of view?

Your showing versus telling is a little better here, but I'm still sensing a lot of telling in there... Keep working at it. Try to give us information in character dialogue, thoughts, inner narrative, descriptions, etc. We want the facts, but we want to pick them out ourselves instead of having them spoon-fed to us one by one. That make sense?

I do like this better than the first thing I read, but it could still use a little more spit and polish. ;)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  








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