Young Writers Society

Home » Read / Write » Short Stories » General Fiction Short Stories

I Don't Want to Die



User avatar
1087 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087
Sun May 23, 2010 6:04 pm
Sins says...



I Don't Want to Die


It’s funny how the small, unimportant memories are the ones that you remember the best. That’s how it is for me, anyway. I don’t recall many Christmases, birthdays or any other major events. I remember how Tommo, Mollie and I used to go poaching when we really weren’t supposed to. When Big Joe managed to get himself stuck in the Church tower and how I practically dragged Tommo to his first day of school. I can’t help but chuckle quietly to myself. Tommo’s never been the bravest of all guys.
As I stare at the blank wall in front of me, I sigh. I glance at the clock; ten hours left. The weather is really pleasant today but I hate its perfection. It’s as if it's mocking me, mocking what’s to come. I shake the thought out of my head and replace it with a happier one, one of Mollie and little Tommo junior. Life’s an extraordinary thing; it really is. It’s incredible how someone like me can create such a beautiful child. I just wish that I could have the chance to watch him grow up.
I know it’s silly and pointless, but I can’t help but hope that a miracle will happen tomorrow. I mean, I haven’t done much wrong. I’ve been a pretty good guy. Sure, I’ve made mistakes but I don’t have any regrets. There’s no point in dwelling in the past. All that matters is what's happening right now. I want to make every moment last. I haven’t got many of them left, after all. I now understand what mother meant when she told me that time is precious.
I can hear the clock ticking, counting down the hours. How long left now? Eight hours maybe? Part of me wishes that I still had my watch; my wrist feels empty without it. It’s almost as if it makes me feel defeated, which is absurd really. I haven’t been defeated. I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted. Even if I’ve only had a taste of it. I have a gorgeous wife, amazing mother and a perfect big brother. As for my younger brother? He’s the greatest man I’ve ever known. Even if he is a bit of a girl at times. He’ll take good care of Mollie and little Tommo. I know he will.
It must be getting late, but I don’t care. I don’t want to sleep tonight. I don’t want to have to wake up. I wish I could see them all one last time: mother, Mollie, Tommo junior, Big Joe and Tommo. I’m glad they had let me see Tommo a few hours ago though. That gave me some kind of comfort. At least I was able to give him my watch and he was able to give me his word. If only he knew how hard it was to look after a woman and a child. I bet he’ll regret promising me once he does discover how hard it is. I can’t help but let a weak smile grow on my face.
Seven hours to go. That annoying clock is still ticking away, still mocking me. I don’t want to think about tomorrow; I can’t think about tomorrow. It'll make me weep. I can’t allow myself to cry. I’m Charlie: the leader, the big brother, the man. I don’t cry, but I guess that sometimes, that's all you can do. When there’s nothing else left, you cry. A small teardrop runs down my cheek. It’s not fair. I don’t want to die.

Spoiler! :
This was for a homework assignment based on the novel Private Peaceful by Michael Morpurgo. We had to write a monologue. The brief was: you are Charlie the night before his execution. Write down your thoughts and feelings.

If you haven't read the book, it's based in World War 1. All you really need to know is that the character's POV I'm writing in is soon to be executed for disobeying orders. The characters mentioned are Charlie (it's his POV), Tommo (Charlie's brother), Tommo Junior (Charlie's son), Mollie (Charlie's wife), Big Joe (Charlie's big brother).
Last edited by Sins on Tue Jun 01, 2010 1:19 pm, edited 9 times in total.
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





User avatar
51 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 10770
Reviews: 51
Sun May 23, 2010 6:29 pm
Embee says...



Hey Skins, I thought you did a pretty good job on this. I like how he's trying to be all positive in the beginning but in the end, he eventually starts crying. In some places, though, you got a little info-dumpy. Maybe you can have Charlie have a fake conversation in his head with the ones he loves. For example: "Well, Mother, you may have noticed that I'm about to die, but..." Or you could say: How would by children tell this story to their children? Will they make me out to be a hero or a disappointment? Or: What would my wife think if she saw me crying like this? Would she cry with me? Stuff like that gives us some more insight into Charlie's relationships with the people he loves.

Other than the things I mentioned, this was a pleasure to read.

Embee
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 1681
Reviews: 5
Sun May 23, 2010 9:22 pm
Iniquitous says...



I apologize in advance for any mess ups in my review, this is my first one.

I don't have many notes for improvement, but this paragraph here:

I know it’s silly, but I can’t help but hope that a miracle will happen tomorrow. I mean, I haven’t done much wrong. I’ve been a pretty good guy. Sure, I’ve made mistakes but I don’t have any regrets. There’s no point in dwelling in the past. The future doesn’t matter either. What’s happening right now is all that matters. I want to make every moment last. I haven’t got many of them left, after all. I now understand what mother meant when she said that time is precious.


Is a little contradictory. He says he doesn't want to die, but that the future doesn't matter. I think I understand what you mean, but you might want to say it in a clearer fashion.

I also think you could flesh out his relationships a little since he talks about how important his family and friends are to him. I agree with Embee, perhaps you could add some fake conversation.

Other than the two points above this was good and I enjoyed reading it. The way he gives up at the end and breaks down was really moving.
  





User avatar
75 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5950
Reviews: 75
Mon May 24, 2010 6:53 am
Maddy says...



Hey skins, my friend :)

I have discovered the downfall of this piece:
You’re repeating your endings and beginnings too often, and the tone is so casual it hurts.
Yep. That’s right.
Let’s see if I go through this and cut out all the unnecessary bits. Remember, less is more!
It’s funny how the small, unimportant memories are the ones that you remember. I don’t recall many Christmases, birthdays, or any other major events. That’s just how it is. I remember times like when Tommo, Mollie and me used to go poaching when we weren’t supposed to. When Big Joe managed to get himself stuck in the Church tower, and how I practically dragged Tommo to his first day of school. I can’t help but chuckle silently to myself. He’s never been the bravest of guys.
As I stare at the blank wall in front of me, I sigh. The weather was really pleasant today, but I hated it’s perfection. It’s as if it was mocking me, mocking what’s to come. I shake the thought out of my head and replace it with a happier one.
(new paragraph) Now I ponder the thought of Mollie and little Tommo junior. Life’s an extraordinary thing, it really is. It’s incredible how someone like me can create such a beautiful, wonderful child. (I had to change the word perfect, because I used it previously) I just wish that I could have had the chance towatch him grow up.
I know it’s silly and pointless, but I can’t help but hope that a miracle will happen tomorrow. I mean, I haven’t done much wrong. (Eek-funny wording! Please change!) I’ve been a good man. Sure, I’ve made mistakes, but I don’t have any regrets. There’s no point in dwelling in the past. What’s happening right now is all that matters. I want to make every moment last, since I haven’t got many of them left. I now understand what mother meant when she told me that time is precious.
I can hear the clock ticking, counting down the hours, the few moments I have left to live (also thought that sounded cool there :)). Part of me wishes that I still had my watch. My wrist looks empty without it. It’s almost as if it makes me feel defeated, which is stupid really. I haven’t been defeated. I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted, even if I’ve only had a taste of it. I have a gorgeous wife, an amazing mother and a perfect big brother. As for my younger brother? He’s the greatest man I’ll ever know, even if he is a bit of a girl at times. He’ll take good care of Mollie and little Tommo. I know he will.
It must be getting late, but I don’t care. I don’t want to sleep tonight. I don’t want to have to wake up.
(new paragraph)I wish I could see them all one last time. Mother, Mollie, Tommo junior, Big Joe and Tommo. I’m glad they let me see Tommo a few hours ago though. That gave me comfort. At least I was able to hand him my watch and he was able to promise me his word. If only he knew how difficult it was to take care of a woman and a child. I bet he’ll regret promising me once he does discover how hard it is. I can’t help but let a weak smile grow on my face.
That annoying clock is still ticking away, still mocking me. I don’t want to think about tomorrow; I can’t think about tomorrow. It will make me cry. I can’t allow myself to cry. I’m Charlie; the leader, the big brother, the man. I don’t cry. But I guess that sometimes, all you can do is cry. When there’s nothing else left, you cry. A small, tainted teardrop runs down my cheek. It’s not fair. I don’t want to die.


Whew! I hope that’s better. You better get damn good marks for that :)

-Maddy
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)
  





User avatar
553 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 58538
Reviews: 553
Mon May 24, 2010 9:16 am
MiaParamore says...



Hey Skins. I promised you that I would review it this morning and now it is...10:48 AM. Haha :lol:. Well here to review for you. Also, I googled this book-Private Peaceful but didn't find much but your spoiler helped a bit.

It’s funny how the small, unimportant memories are the ones that you remember.
Okay I liked this starting till 'memories'. After that I couldn't get the impact. Maybe you should write this: Its funny how the small and unimportant memories are the ones that you remember the most.I have just added the most' at the end, which means the sentence a bit more nice. Up to you, but!

That’s how it is for me, anyway.
That’s just how it is, I guess.
These two sentences sound more or less similar to each other with the use of 'That's how'. I liked the expression and the thought behind the both, but it just didn't seem nice to me to read same sentences. Play with words, dear! :D

I remember how Tommo, Mollie and meI used to go poaching when we really weren’t supposed to.
I have noticed this kind of error before also in your writing. it should be 'I'. :)

It’s as if it was mocking me, mocking what’s to come.
I really loved this sentence. :p

I just wish that I could watch him grow up.
Poor soul! :O

There’s no point in dwelling in the past. The future doesn’t matter either.
This was a very important, beautiful and sweet line. I really liked your creativity here.

Part of me wishes that I still had my watch; my wrist feels empty without it.


I don’t want to have to wake up.
Okay two tos' made this a bit of boring to read and also I think there's something wrong with this.

I’m glad they had let me see Tommo a few hours ago though.


I had a problem while reading this: Who's Tommo?(His brother?) And if yes then who's Tommo Jr. (Charlie' son?) If another yes, then why is Tommo Jr. called so? Shouldn't he be called Charlie Jr. as he is MC's son. PM me the reply, please. This confused me a bit, but it can be just me. I have a tendency to confuse myself, a bit. :lol:

I would say that this was a neat piece with small mistakes only, which can be corrected easily. You played a lot with emotions here and that's what I liked about this story. I didn't get to know much, but I know a little about this book now, that I have read your monologue. So thumbs up on that! :wink:
I liked the thing you wrote for wrist watch. That was very nice and shows how much he loved his power. The sentnece where you say he isn't supposed to cry as he's big and all, was best, asthat's how men are. Aren't they? :wink:

Grammar: So I don't have much to say here as it was grammar wise perfect, except for those little mistakes. And I can see that now you know the science of comma putting, though I still need help on that. You were right;more you write, more you learn and perfect the writing skills. Great job done!
But there's one thing that I have noticed is a habit of yours. Its whenever you need to address the first person with other two like here:I remember how Tommo, Mollie and me used to go poaching when we really weren’t supposed to.
You shouldn't be using 'me' here as I have told you earlier also. It should be 'I' only. I hope you refer to a grammar book and revise writing these sentences. That would be good! :)

Okay, so I have dragged on this review a bit. What I actually want to say is that you had minute issue here and there, which I pointed out, but I had a nice time reading this. And I hope I get this book to read here in India. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Have a nice time and I hope your teacher gives you A grade, as that's what you deserve.
Thanks for the read!

~Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





User avatar
1220 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220
Tue May 25, 2010 12:50 am
Kale says...



Here I am, as requested.

That’s just how it is, I guess.

Delete this sentence. It's redundant since you already have "That’s how it is for me, anyway."

I remember how Tommo, Mollie and I used to go poaching when we really weren’t supposed to.

Poaching is illegal, so the last part of this sentence is unnecessary (and redundant).

When Big Joe managed to get himself stuck in the Church tower and how I practically dragged Tommo to his first day of school.

This would work better merged with the previous sentence. Right now, it's a fragment.

He’s never been the bravest of all guys.

Who is "he"? Tommo or Big Joe?

The weather was really pleasant today but I hated its perfection.

Tense shift.

Not at all.

This fragment makes no sense. Not at all what?

I shake the thought out of my head and replace it with a happier one. I replace it with the thought of Mollie and little Tommo junior.

Would work better if you merged this into one sentence: I shake the thought out of my head and replace it with a happier one, one of Mollie and little Tommo junior.

Life’s an extraordinary thing; it really is.

Comma when you have dependent clauses (phrases that lack a subject) and semicolon when you have independent clauses. An easy check is if the phrase can stand alone as its own sentence, it's an independent clause.

What’s happening right now is all that matters.

I'd change this to "All that matters is what's happening right now" to vary up the sentence structure a bit.

I wish I could see them all one last time: Mother, Mollie, Tommo junior, Big Joe and Tommo. I’m glad they had let me see Tommo a few hours ago though.

Colons come before lists. Also, the first sentence makes it seem as though they hadn't let him see anyone, so the seeing Tommo sentence came as a bit of a surprise. I suggest placing the first sentence later on in the paragraph (after the comfort sentence would work) so that the "all" is emphasized.

It'll make me cry.

Since you've been using contractions, the lack of one was really jarring and unnatural-sounding.

I’m Charlie: the leader, the big brother, the man.

List, so colon rather than semicolon.

A small, tainted teardrop runs down my cheek.

The "tainted" in particular makes this melodramatic and cheapens the emotion. Keep it simple and let the situation speak for itself. You're already manipulating your readers' emotions enough as-is, and any more is overkill.

Overall, your punctuation wasn't bad, though you do need to review the differences between commas, colons, and semicolons. Also, you may have been taught differently, but I was taught that in a list, you place commas after each of the items, including the item before the and/or.

As far as the actual writing went, the one thing I noticed was that you tended to repeat yourself to the point of redundancy, and I got the impression that you were trying to fill this out to reach a certain word count. I suggest that you go back through and cut out the unnecessary words/phrases; the strength of this piece lies in that the narrator is baring his soul to us, so the prose should be as equally bare and unaffected to help reinforce this.

Other than that, this was pretty strong. There were a couple of places where it was pretty obvious that you were yanking on your readers' heartstrings, but it wasn't so obvious that it really annoyed me (with the exception of the tainted teardrops part).
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR
  





User avatar
547 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 49345
Reviews: 547
Wed May 26, 2010 12:21 am
captain.classy says...



Goodness, Skins!

This was truly amazing. As I sat there reading it, I started to act it out. It was really fun to say, and to pretend that I knew the feelings he was experiencing.

So, the confusing part:

His family. You need to make it more clear that Tommo junior is his child. And is Tommo his brother? I was really confused by the family. I had to read it twice to get it. Since it is a monologue and listeners won't be able to hear it twice, you need to make things extra clear. Instead of saying
I shake the thought out of my head and replace it with a happier one, one of Mollie and little Tommo junior.
you should specify that Mollie is his wife, and Tommo junior is his son. Otherwise, it's just difficult to interpret. You have too many names going on in here.

Other than that, you're good! What I really liked is that you didn't tell us what he did wrong. That would just ruin the innocent feelings I get from this piece. I get that he's just a guy who wants to be with his family, but he had to do something awful to protect them. It really does make me want to cry, and if this was an entire play, I probably would. I don't know why, but I have a soft spot for fathers.

Keep writing! Thanks for the request, sorry it took so long!

Classy
  





User avatar
446 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 28776
Reviews: 446
Wed May 26, 2010 3:06 am
Yuriiko says...



Hello there, Skins! :)

I agree with Classy, the family relations in the plot is quite confusing. Try to make this things clear by adding more emphasis on the relationships between each characters. Also, the perfection of your MC, I didn't like it. He tells that he has an amazing wife and kids and then he says its hard to look after a woman and a child. :wink:

Anyways, your grammars and spelling are fine though on the commas and semicolons part, they are bit confusing and lost. :wink: But really, I'm glad I read this and like what Captain classy stated, this is truly amazing. :D It's really good for a monologue. :smt002 I like how you kept the flow smooth and easy, except for the 'Tommo' part. :mrgreen: Connection also appears between your MC and me, which is good. It was kind of emotional and a deep monologue. i felt sad and sorry for the MC though. :|

Spoiler! :
Edited: So I read your spoiler above the story. :D now I get it but... if charlie's son is named Tommo Junior, then it should be really just Charlie junior 'cause it's like you're referring Charlie's son to be Tommo's son. :?



Overall, I really like this! :smt003

Sorry, if this is not really a proper review but I hope I helped something. :) Hope you understand me.

Keep up the good work! :mrgreen:

Peace out!

_yuri_

*likes*
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  





User avatar
1087 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087
Wed May 26, 2010 4:42 pm
Sins says...



Thanks for the reviews guys! :pirate3:

As for the whole confusing family thing; I know! I have to say 'Tommo junior' because Tommo is the MC's brother. His son is also called Tommo. Charlie named his son after his younger brother. It's still confusing, isn't it...?

I wasn't too specific about family details because my teacher has read the book and knows all of the characters. Basically, I'm lazy. I blame the author though! Couldn't he just have named Charlie's son Jeff...? Plus, I didn't want to make the monologue feel as though it was an info dump or anything.

Thanks again guys,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





User avatar
78 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8463
Reviews: 78
Fri May 28, 2010 2:04 am
pinkangel54123 says...



Hey Skins! I'm here to review like you asked. All of my comments and corrections will be in pink.

Skins wrote:It’s funny how the small, unimportant memories are the ones that you remember the best.The opening line isn't particlarly grabbing, and it seems very common. It's almost like I've heard that before. I would come up with something either more original or more grabbing. That’s how it is for me, anyway. I don’t recall many Christmases, birthdays or any other major events. I remember how Tommo, Mollie and I used to go poaching when we really weren’t supposed to. When Big Joe managed to get himself stuck in the Church tower and how I practically dragged Tommo to his first day of school. I can’t help but chuckle quietly to myself. Tommo’s never been the bravest of all guys.

As I stare at the blank wall in front of me, I sigh. The weather is really pleasant today but I hate its perfection. It’s as if it's mocking me, mocking what’s to come. I shake the thought out of my head and replace it with a happier one, one of Mollie and little Tommo junior. Life’s an extraordinary thing; it really is. It’s incredible how someone like me can create such a beautiful child. I just wish that I could have the chance to watch him grow up.I don't know if it's just me, but there seems to be a lot of "it" in there. Maybe you could replace them with another more definite word.

I know it’s silly and pointless, but I can’t help but hope that a miracle will happen tomorrow. I mean, I haven’t done much wrong. I’ve been a pretty good guy. Sure, I’ve made mistakes but I don’t have any regrets. There’s no point in dwelling in the past. The future doesn’t matter either. All that matters is what's happening right now. I want to make every moment last. I haven’t got many of them left, after all. I now understand what mother meant when she told me that time is precious.

I can hear the clock ticking, counting down the hours, the few moments I have left to live. Part of me wishes that I still had my watch; my wrist feels empty without it. It’s almost as if it makes me feel defeated, which is stupid really.I don't like the word stupid in this sentence. It seems oddly out of place like you had no other word to slide in there. I would definetley change it. I haven’t been defeated. I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted. Even if I’ve only had a taste of it. I have a gorgeous wife, amazing mother and a perfect big brother. As for my younger brother? He’s the greatest man I’ve ever known. Even if he is a bit of a girl at times. He’ll take good care of Mollie and little Tommo. I know he will. This paragraph seems to jump a bit from the watch to the perfect life. It's a bit disconcerting since you have to change mind frame very quickly with no sort of in between.

It must be getting late, but I don’t care. I don’t want to sleep tonight. I don’t want to have to wake up.There are a lot of "I don't"s in these three lines. It gets a repetitive and dull very quickly. I wish I could see them all one last time: mother, Mollie, Tommo junior, Big Joe and Tommo. I’m glad they had let me see Tommo a few hours ago though. That gave me some kind of comfort. At least I was able to give him my watch and he was able to give me his word. If only he knew how hard it was to look after a woman and a child. I bet he’ll regret promising me once he does discover how hard it is. I can’t help but let a weak smile grow on my face.

That annoying clock is still ticking away, still mocking me. I don’t want to think about tomorrow; I can’t think about tomorrow. It'll make me cry. I can’t allow myself to cry. I’m Charlie: the leader, the big brother, the man. I don’t cry. But I guess that sometimes, all you can do is cry. When there’s nothing else left, you cry. A small teardrop runs down my cheek. It’s not fair. I don’t want to die.



I like the ending and the rest of it. I can't really comment on how it relates to the story since I've never read it. I really don't have anything to say besides what's up there in pink. OH, I remember what I wanted to say. I don't feel very much emotion from him at all. It seems very bland and it seems like it would be read in a monotone because I don't feel anything. Not concerrn for his family, or even sadness for his self. I can see the words, but you aren't making me feel it with him.

PM me if you have any questions.

Keep writing,
~Danie
Want a heavenly review?

GENERATION 30: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
  





User avatar
522 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 7715
Reviews: 522
Fri May 28, 2010 5:59 pm
canislupis says...



Hi! Here to review as requested, though I seemed to have been just a bit too slow. :)

Private Peaceful was assigned reading last year for me, and it's really stuck with me. I really like what you've done here as well--I'm feeling sad.

I'd also say that your teacher probably won't be nearly as strict as the YWSers, but anyway, on to the critique!

Since I've read the book, I wasn't at all confused by the characters, etc, and I think you did an excellent job. The nitpicks have definitely been taken care of, so I'll just try and find something else to talk about:

1. Emotional impact. This is a very, very, very sad story. In fact, the book was one of the most depressing I've ever read.

But I feel like this could have been sadder. :) This is something I myself have trouble with, but nonetheless I'll give a few of my own suggestions. (Organized into the a,b,c thing so I don't get confused... XD)

a) The more times you repeat something, the less impact it has.
b) Also, saying something outright is almsot never as good as alluding to it.
c) I'd definitely suggest keeping the knowledge that he's going to die until the end. Obviously, he knows it, but I'd take out the actual mentions of it because it ruins the suspence.
d) One of the most memorable things about the book was the suspence. We saw the ticking clock, but we didn't know what it was ticking down to, and so we keep reading. Here, when you say something like "I have only minutes left to live" I tend not to care so much, for whatever reason. Actually, (and this is just an idea) you could have that here, with mentions of the actual time left (ie "Just six hours left now, and..." "Four hours left. I'm running out of time") WITHOUT actually mentioning death. So we don't know until later.

e) His memories could have more impact as well. Right now it feels almost like you chose the ones you have to prove you read the book (and maybe you did, but still)you said that the small memories stand out, so show us some actual small memories, and show him wanting to stay in them.

Also, in this paragraph the voice seemed a little off:

I know it’s silly and pointless, but I can’t help but hope that a miracle will happen tomorrow. I mean, I haven’t done much wrong. I’ve been a pretty good guy. Sure, I’ve made mistakes but I don’t have any regrets. There’s no point in dwelling in the past. The future doesn’t matter either. All that matters is what's happening right now. I want to make every moment last. I haven’t got many of them left, after all. I now understand what mother meant when she told me that time is precious.


I also agree with a lot of Kyllorac said.

Hope this helps at least a tiny bit. :) I think you'll do quite well. And I'm sorry I didn't have more to say. XD

See you! And feel free to ask for another review anytime.

Lupis
  





User avatar
446 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1754
Reviews: 446
Sun May 30, 2010 4:37 am
Rascalover says...



Hey and thanks for requesting a review :)

It’s funny how the small, unimportant memories are the ones that you remember the best.

I really think it should be the most instead of the best but that might be a personal opinion as well. See how you like it.

That’s how it is for me, anyway.

Putting anyway at the end ofthis sentence makes him sound dismissive and i don't think that's the tone you want to portray. This sentence would work just as effectively if you would take it altogether.

I don't recall many christmases, birthdays, or any other major events, but I remember how Tommo, Mollie and I used to go poaching when we really weren’t supposed to.

I think these two sentences should be joined together it adds to the flow.

Or, when Big Joe managed to get himself stuck in the Church tower and how I practically dragged Tommo to his first day of school.

This isn't really a full sentence. How about putting or at the beginning like so.

As I stare at the blank wall in front of me, I sigh. I glance at the clock; ten hours left.

I think you should re-word the first sentence because the repition of I sigh I glance doesn't appeal to a reader.

The weather is really pleasant today but I hate its perfection.

There should be a comma and today because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.

Life’s an extraordinary thing, it really is.

You onl use a semi colon when you are joining together two complete sentences without a conjunction. Here you only need a comma.

Sure, I’ve made mistakes but I don’t have any regrets.

There needs to a be a comma after mistakes.

How long left now?

I dont exactly know what you mean here, but this is not a full sentence. wheres your verb?

I’m glad they had let me see Tommo a few hours ago though.

Though is not needed.

At least I was able to give him my watch and he was able to give me his word.

A comma after watch is needed

I don’t cry, but I guess that sometimes, that's all you can do.

Never ever start a sentence with the words but, and, & because. These are conjunction words and indicate that the following is a fragment or a clause. I just joing the sentences together like so.

Over all: I don't feel any emotion in this. I expect that if this was right before a man's death that he would have some sort of emotion, even lack of emotion is still showing some emotion. Does he twitch? Does he tap his fingers along the floor, the wall? Is he nervous? Mad? Sad? I know that you indicate that he cries at the end but i would like to see that kind of emotion through out the whole piece.

Also, I think that if you proff read your work you wouldn't have had as many grammar problems as you did. Otherwise is was well writen, and I hope you get a good grade.

Have a great day :)
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  





User avatar
7 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1474
Reviews: 7
Mon May 31, 2010 12:05 am
wildatheart says...



I not much of a writer, But I just wanted to say I like it. :)
"I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course...
  





User avatar
12 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 12
Sun Sep 19, 2010 5:14 pm
View Likes
Ladynagrom says...



Hi Skins! Seeing as everyone else has already done the nitpicking, I'll just tell you my thoughts on this. It was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. I love the emotion in this. I like how at first he starts out strong and positive, and finally breaks down in the end. By the time I was finished I had that pleasent feeling of sadness I get when I read a story like this. Keep up the good work, and you better get a good grade for this.
"I take a long time in the bathroom. It's what girls do. Excuse me for my gender." - Me to my brother
  








"You may deem me romantic, my dear sister, but I bitterly feel the want of a friend."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein