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Love Has No Boundaries (I) {EDITED*}



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Sun May 16, 2010 8:21 am
MiaParamore says...



This was what I had been trying to write for a long time and finally I got the starting yesterday. So here it is. Its the first time I have written something set up in India. That's weird because I am an Indian. Hope you guys like it. :D Also my first romantic story and the first time a short story. I should probably rename it to First Time. :LOL:

For those who read it before: I changed the name of the husband from Krish to Lakshya. Mumbai and Delhi are two places in India, Delhi(a.k.a New Delhi) the capital and Mumbai, the finance city of India.


I am not sure what the exact temperature was, but I’m sure it was something above forty degree Celsius. It was enough to extract every ounce of energy out of me, and leave me exhausted. The sun’s hot rays hit me hard on face, and its vivid light shone in my eyes, making me blink time and time again. I put my tanned hand in front of my eyes to block out the ray's path, but they were able to find their way along the crevices my two fingers formed. It was not until later that I realized where the light was entering from, direct into my eyes.

I didn’t want to close the window as I was really excited to see the beautiful mustard fields of Haryana*. The yellow flowers fluttering in the hot breeze was definitely a sight I wasn’t ready to miss. The train was all blue, from the exterior to the interior, but different shades of blue. The body of it was navy blue, the upholstery a bit lighter shade and the walls a pale blue. I might be having blue-i-ongis. I looked at the seats opposite mine for the first time carefully; realizing, that I was the only one in the whole compartment, and no one had yet come to give me company. That wouldn’t have happened had I not missed the college bus going to the village two days ago.
I had heard my calling in the medicine field and henceforth was being trained to become a doctor, the visible god for humans. We, the third year students, were visiting Gijjarod(a village) in Haryana to provide free medical facilities for a week, but I had missed the bus, all thanks to my sleeping pills. Whenever I'm really excited about something I cannot sleep, and so I have to use sleeping pills; but, this is the only time I couldn't get up in the morning. Therefore I was here, sitting in this train, with damp smell all around, blocking my nostrils. There was no reservation available in the A/C class so I had to take the tickets for this lower class place. Anything to become a doctor, man!

I took out my phone from the yellow handbag my elder sister had let me borrow. My cute little Corby Pro was a gift from my stinking rich parents. No offence! They wanted me to do MBA and handle their handloom business, where I could play with fabrics, but I preferred playing with blood instead. I searched for Niharika’s number until I found it. I pressed the tiny green button on the left and held the mobile close to my ears. After what seemed like eternity, she picked up her nineteenth century mobile phone.
“Hey Ananya, where are you?” Her ever-excited voice rang in my ears.
“I’m stuck in this eighteenth century train, man.” I curled up my lips in disgust and heard her giggle. “What are you guys up to?”
”Nothing much, just checking on these urchins. They are filthy, really. All of them are in real need of a bath. Thinking of leaving my perfumes for them! Missing you,” she said.
“That’s gross and rude!” I exclaimed.
“What? Missing you?” She was stunned at my response.
“No, silly. Calling them urchins and filth! That really should not be the spirit of doctors. Do you know we would be taking a vow after two years for humanity? Be a human at least,” I barked at her. I heard her take a deep breath.
“When will you be here?” She asked me, rather bored.
“Whenever this rust starts moving,” I replied sourly.
“Catch you then,” she said. After she disconnected the line, I was once again alone in the company of foul smell. Outside the train was utter chaos, with people running like maniacs to catch their trains, coolies** dressed in dirty red shirts, holding on to luggage twice their weight. There was a bookstall right in front of my eyes which hadn’t caught my sight until now. I felt a sudden increase in the rate of my heartbeat by looking at the books, neatly piled on the shelves and a dark-skinned man stood on the opposite side of the stall, selling the best thing one could ever dream of. I got up from my seat and rushed outside to buy a decent novel which could promise of keeping me company throughout the entire long journey.

Once outside the train, I felt a sudden blanket of hot waves gripping me and making the hairs on my skin stand up. I rolled up the sleeves of my kurti*** and then continued walking towards the bookstall. Normally, I didn’t wear Indian clothes but when visiting a village, you should always wear decent clothes and should avoid attracting attention, especially when the village is in India. How can one feel comfortable when men's eyes are scrutinizing your body, eying you as if you're their property? I hate it then, so I decided to cover up myself. The bookstall man smiled at me, and I looked down to see all of his books. There were Champaks, Tell Me Why, and Femina but not a single good English novel. The only novels in sight were the low-grade Hindi novels. I scrunched my eyes shut for a second. “Do you have an English novel or a better Hindi novel?” I asked the man and he nodded, to my relief. He bent down and then savaged in the bundle kept on the floor. After five minutes, he was up with a novel in his hand, a perfect Mills n’ Boons edition. I smiled as I knew there and then that I was not going to be alone during this trip.

**********************************************

I heard an engine’s sound somewhere as I flipped through the pages of Femina I had bought along with MnB novel. My train still had not started moving and I felt that I would be celebrating my sixtieth birthday here only. There was this sound of the main door opening, and in entered a newly-wed couple. I could say so because the girl (she was barely looking twenty) was wearing the red and white bangles which new brides wear and a manglasutra**** and something about the boy made me feel that he was the husband. The boy, who looked same age as her, was holding an attaché and the girl had a bag in her hands along with the purse which hung from her shoulders. They walked down towards the seat opposite me, out of breath they looked at the seat number, and when they were sure that it was their seat, they sat down. The boy kept the attaché down and the girl kept the bag next to her. She smiled and so did her husband, but both the smiles were weak and nervous.
The girl was fair and very pretty. She looked just like a doll, so white and delicate, dressed up in a dark blue suit. She had long, black eyelashes forming a wave and her red round bindi***** stuck to her forehead perfectly. The husband was not bad looking either, in fact he was handsome. He wore a black T-shirt and loose grey jeans. The sweat poured down their face, straight on to their clothes. The boy took out a handkerchief and wiped the sweat off as his wife adored him.
“Hi, I am Ananya.” I introduced myself to them and passed a grin.
“My name’s Kritika and he’s my husband Lakshya.” She said politely.
“You two alone?” I asked, out of curiosity.
“Yes we are going back to Mumbai. This train goes till Delhi from where we’ll board our flight,” she whispered somewhat secretly which made me all the more curious.
“You live in Mumbai?”
“Yes, we do. Where are you going?” She asked as she pulled back a strand of her black hair.
“Me? I’m going to a remote village in Haryana. I’m a medical student.” I said proudly, but not arrogantly.
Her smile then widened into a broad grin and revealed her perfect white teeth.
“When did you get married?” I couldn’t stop asking questions.
“Today,” she said, and with that at last the train started moving in its tortoise speed. Her answer left me with millions of more questions to ask but she got busy with her husband. Chattering and nattering!

*A state in India
**An occupation of some in India where they carry the luggage from the railway tracks to the trains.
*** An Indian style shirt worn both by men and women with Indian look to it.
**** An Indian black and golden beaded necklace which married women wear.
***** A mark worn on forehead
Last edited by MiaParamore on Wed Jun 16, 2010 7:37 am, edited 7 times in total.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Sun May 16, 2010 9:33 am
Rascalover says...



Here as requested,
Thanks for the request, and I would love for a review back on chapter 15 of my romantic novel it's in my signature down below. Please and thank you. On to your review:

I am not sure what the exact temperature was, but I’m sure it was something above forty degree Celsius.

This is a little confusing. I feel as though you switch between tense but them I re-read it a few times and I feel as though it's ok. If it's suppose to be in the past tense only change the I ams to I was

The sun’s hot rays hit me hard on face, and its vivid light shone in my eyes, making me blink time and again

Did you mean time and time again

I put my tanned hand in front of my eyes to block down the rays’ path, but they were able to find its way along the crevices my two fingers formed.

ray's and a comma goes after path because you are using a conjunction to combine to complete sentences.

It was not until later that I realized where the light was entering from, direct into my eyes.

directly sounds better here.

I didn’t want to close the window as I was really excited to see the beautiful mustard fields of Haryana*.

Thanks for putting the astrik :)

The train was all blue, from the exterior to interiors. But different shades of blue!

It should read like this :The train was all blue, from the exterior to the interior, but different shades of blue. (also it would help with your description to describe the different shades of blue)

I looked at the seats next to me for the first time carefully; realizing, that I was the only one in the whole compartment, and no one had yet come to give me company.

A semi-colon after carefully. A comma after realizing and a comma after compartment is needed.

Whenever I’m really excited about a thing, I cannot sleep and so have to use sleeping pills. But this was the only time I couldn’t get up in the morning.

This is how it should read: Whenever I'm really excited about something I cannot sleep, and so I have to use sleeping pills; but, this is the only time I couldn't get up in the morning. Never start a sentence with the following words: and, or, so, but & because ... these are all conjunction words or words that following a comma (except because) combine to complete sentences. by putting a conjunction at the beginning of your sentence you are indicating that the sentence is not complete but instead a fragment.

Therefore I was here, sitting in this train, with damp smell all around, blocking my nostrils.

this should read: Therefore, I was here, sitting on this train, with a damp smell all around me, blocking my nostrils.

Anything to become a doctor, man!

This is a fragment. There is no verb.

No offence!

This is just a fragment and unless her parents are on the train with her is not needed here in the story.

They wanted me to do MBA and handle their handloom business, where I could play with fabrics but I preferred playing with blood instead.

A comma after fabrics. Plus I really love this line. :)

I searched for Niharika’s number till I found it.

Till is more of a slang term. You should use until, here instead

I pressed the tiny green button on the left and pressed the mobile close to my ears.

pressed is the verb in both clauses how about changing the second one to held

“I’m stuck in this eighteen century train, man.” I curled up my lips in disgust and heard her giggle. “What are you guys up to?”

Do people really go around saying what century something is? I have never heard it before. Your dialogue seems to be a little stiff.

“Whenever this rust starts moving,” I replied sourly.

I love the descriptiveness in this line instead of just saying when the train goes faster. :) good job.

Outside the train was utter chaos, with people running like maniacs to catch their trains, coolies dressed in dirty red dresses, holding on to luggage twice their weight.

What's a coolie?

I got up from my seat and rushed outside to buy a decent novel which could promise of keeping me company throughout the entire two hour long journey.

Don't people usually stay on the train once they are on it so they don't have a chance at missing it?

I rolled up the sleeves of my kurti and then continued walking towards the bookstall.

Whats a kurti? I think words like this and coolie also need an astrik beside of them and an explanation at the bottom.

Normally, I didn’t wear Indian clothes but when visiting a village, you should always wear decent clothes and should avoid attracting attention, especially when the village is in India.

Espically when the village is in India? Why? give us some description so we as readers can make our own judgement to why you are wearing what you are.

The bookstall man smiled at me and I looked down to see all of his books.

A comma after smiled at me is needed.

He bend down and then savaged in the bundle kept on the floor.

It should be bent not bend

My train had still not started moving and I felt that I would be celebrating my sixtieth birthday here only.

A comma after moving and SHes only 15? not even 16 and shes going to school to be a doctor and shes medically working on the poor ill. Shouldn't she be in highschool?

There was this sound of the main door opening and in entered a newly-wed couple

there should be a comma after opening.

I could say so because the girl (she was barely looking twenty) was wearing the red and white bangles which new brides wear and a manglasutra and something about the boy made me feel that he was the husband.

A comma after manglasutra is needed

The boy, who looked same age as her, was holding an attaché and the girl was having a bag in her hands along with the purse which hung from her shoulders.

A comma after attache and what is that? add that to the words that need to have an astrik.

They walked down towards the seat opposite me, out of breath they looked at the seat number and when they were sure that it was their seat, they sat down.

A comma after number

The boy kept the attaché down and the girl kept the bag next to her.

A comma after down is needed.

She had long, black eyelashes forming a wave and her red bindi stuck to her forehead perfectly

Whats a bindi? Add this to the list of words that needs an astrik by them also a comma is needed after wave.

“Hi I am Ananya.” I introduced myself to them and passed a grin.

A comma after hi is needed.

“My name’s Kritika and he’s my husband Krish.” She said politely.

A comma after Kritika is needed and a comma after husband is needed

“Yes we are going back to Mumbai. This train goes till Delhi from where we’ll board our flight,” she whispered somewhat secretly which made me all the more curious.

Delhi and Mumbai need to be added to the list os words that need an astrik and defintion.

“Yes, we do. Where are you going?” She asked as she pulled back a strand of her black hair.

A comma after asked is needed

“When you got married?” I couldn’t stop asking questions.

It should be: When did you get married?

“Today,” she said and with that at last the train started moving in its tortoise speed.

A comma after said is needed.

Her answer left me with millions of more questions to ask but she got busy with her husband.

A comma is needed after ask. Also what do you mean by got busy with her husband?

I think over all you did a good job. It needs some more description and I hope you continue this because you sort of left us at a cliff hanger.

Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  





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Sun May 16, 2010 10:00 am
Lava says...



Hello Shubhi!

'Kay here to review. :)

Rascalover seems to have done a pretty thorough review, so I'll just add a few inputs here and there.

The yellow flowers fluttering in the cold, serene breeze was definitely a sight I wasn’t ready to miss
You just mentioned it was hot. Way over forty. So, it's unlikely there'd be cold breeze.
, she picked up her nineteenth century mobile phone.
I'm not a fan of this sentence. I would suggest some description on what Ananya thinks she'll be doing on the bus.
“I’m stuck in this eighteen century train, man.”
Should be eighteenth.
“What? Missing you?”
I'm pretty sure this is a better way to put it.
with people running like maniacs to catch their trains, coolies dressed in dirty red dressesshirts,

Normally, I didn’t wear Indian clothes but when visiting a village, you should always wear decent clothes and should avoid attracting attention, especially when the village is in India.
Well, I understand this, but you'll need to describe the whys, as most people won't.
[b]There were Champaks, [/b]
Me? I’m going to a remote village in Haryana.
It would sound nicer if you actually put in the name of the place.
but she got busy with her husband.
This would sound better if you said something like "but then, she started to discuss something with her husband."

So, this was a good start. You had some pretty good description inside. Now, the first thing that sort of irks me is the naming - Ananya and Krish. Have you read 2 States? No matter what, people will relate to books they've read with the MCs of the same name and that will put off a reader.
Also; you started with good description but it trailed off to almost nothing by the end. Work on that.

Keep writing.
~Lava :)
I BLOG!
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

kimi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Sun May 16, 2010 11:14 am
Sins says...



Hey shubhi!
Here to review... duh. :pirate3: You know the drill!

Can I just say that I really love how the setting of this is in India. I love it when a writer sets their story in the country or area that they live in, especially if it's not America or England. What can I say? I like unique things!

Now onto the review,

I am not sure what the exact temperature was, but I’m sure it was something above forty degrees in celsius. It was enough to extract every ounce of energy out of me,Don't need this comma. and leave me exhausted. The sun’s hot rays hit me hard on my face,Don't need this comma either. and its vivid light shone in my eyes, making me blink time and time again. I loved the description in this sentence! :) I put my tanned hand in front of my eyes to block out the rays’ path but they were able to find their way along the crevices my two fingers formed. It was not until later that I realized where the light was entering from, directly into my eyes.

I didn’t want to close the window as I was really excited to see the beautiful mustard fields of Haryana*. The yellow flowers fluttering in the cold, serene breeze was definitely a sight I wasn’t prepared to miss. I really liked this description too! The train was all blue, from the exterior to interiors. But different shades of blue! I looked at the seats next to me for the first time carefully, realizing that I was the only one in the whole compartment and no one had yet come to give me company. That wouldn’t have happened had I not missed the college bus going to the village two days ago.

I had heard my calling in the medicine field and henceforth was being trained to become a doctor, the visible god for humans. We, the third year students, were visiting a village in Haryana to provide free medical facilities for a week, but I had missed the bus, all thanks to my sleeping pills. Whenever I was really excited about a thing, I could not sleep and so had to use sleeping pills. You changed the tense a bit here. :wink: But this was the only time I couldn’t get up in the morning. Therefore I was here, sitting in this train, with damp smell all around, blocking my nostrils. There was no reservation in the A/C class so I had to take the tickets for this lower class place. Anything to become a doctor, man! haha, I liked this!

I took out my phone from the yellow handbag my elder sister had let me borrow. My cute little Corby Pro was a gift from my stinking rich parents. No offence! They wanted me to do MBA and handle their handloom business, where I could play with fabrics but I preferred playing with blood instead. How nice, haha! I searched for Niharika’s number till I found it. I pressed the tiny green button on the left and pressed the mobile close to my ears. After what seemed like eternity, she picked up her nineteenth century mobile phone.

“Hey Ananya, where are you?” Her ever-excited voice rang in my ears.

“I’m stuck in this eighteenth century train, man.” I curled up my lips in disgust and heard her giggle. “What are you guys up to?”

”Nothing much, just checking on these urchins. They are filthy, really. Missing you,” she said.

“That’s gross and rude!” I exclaimed.

“What, missing you?” She was stunned at my response.

“No, silly. Calling them urchins and filth! That’s really not the spirit of doctors. Do you know we will be taking a vow after two years for humanity? Be a human at least,” I barked at her. I heard her take a deep breath.

“When will you be here?” She asked me, rather bored.

“Whenever this rust starts moving,” I replied sourly.

“Catch you then,” she said. After she disconnected the line, I was once again alone in the company of foul smell. Outside the train was utter chaos, with people running like maniacs to catch their trains, coolies dressed in dirty red dresses, holding on to luggage twice their weight. There was a bookstall right in front of my eyes which hadn’t caught my sight until now. I felt a sudden increase in the rate of my heartbeat by looking at the books, neatly piled on the shelves and a dark-skinned man standing on the opposite side of the stall, selling the best thing one could ever dream of. This last sentence was a bit long. Maybe you could shorten it a bit or turn it into two sentences? I got up from my seat and rushed outside to buy a decent novel which could promise of keeping me company throughout the entire two hour long journey.

Once outside the train, I felt a sudden blanket of hot waves gripping me and making the hairs on my skin stand up. I rolled up the sleeves of my kurti and then continued walking towards the bookstall. Normally, I didn’t wear Indian clothes, but when visiting a village, you should have always worn decent clothes and should have avoided attracting attention, especially when the village was in India. Changed tenses again here :wink: The bookstall man smiled at me and I looked down to see all of his books. There were Champaks, Tell Me Why, and Femina but not a single good English novel. The only novels in sight were the low-grade Hindi novels. I scrunched my eyes shut for a second. “Do you have an English novels or a better Hindi novel?” I asked the man and he nodded, to my relief. He bent down and then savaged in the bundle kept on the floor. After five minutes, he was up with a novel in his hand, a perfect Mills n’ Boons edition. I smiled as I knew there and then that I was not going to be alone during this trip. I liked this sentence. :)

**********************************************

I heard an engine’s sound somewhere as I flipped through the pages of Femina, which I had bought along with MnB novel. My train had still had not started moving and I felt that I would be celebrating my sixtieth birthday here only. There was the sound of the main door opening and in entered a newly-wed couple. I could say so because the girl (she was barely looking twenty) was wearing the red and white bangles which new brides wear and a manglasutra and something about the boy made me feel that he was the husband. The boy, who looked the same age as her, was holding an attaché and the girl was having had a bag in her hands along with a purse which hung from her shoulders. They walked down towards the seat opposite me, out of breath. They looked at the seat number and when they were sure that it was their seat, they sat down. The boy kept the attaché down and the girl kept the bag next to her. She smiled and so did her husband, but both the smiles were weak and nervous.

The girl was fair and very pretty. She looked just like a doll, so white and delicate, dressed up in a dark blue suit. She had long, black eyelashes forming a wave and her red bindi stuck to her forehead perfectly. The husband was not bad looking either, in fact he was handsome. He wore a black T-shirt and loose grey jeans. The drops of sweat poured down their faces, straight on to their clothes. The boy took out a handkerchief and wiped the sweat off as his wife adored him.

“Hi, I am Ananya.” I introduced myself to them and passed a grin.

“My name’s Kritika and he’s my husband, Krish.” She said politely.

“You two alone?” I asked, out of curiosity.

“Yes we are going back to Mumbai. This train goes to Delhi from where we’ll board our flight,” she whispered somewhat secretly which made me all the more curious.

“You live in Mumbai?”

“Yes, we do. Where are you going?” She asked as she pulled back a strand of her black hair.

“Me? I’m going to a remote village in Haryana. I’m a medical student.” I said proudly, but not arrogantly.

Her smile then widened into a broad grin and revealed her perfect white teeth.

“When didyou get married?” I couldn’t stop asking questions.

“Today,” she said and with that, at last, the train started moving in its tortoise speed. Her answer left me with millions of more questions to ask but she got busy with her husband.



Overall

I really did like this! I think that out of all of your pieces of work I've read so far, this might just be my favourite. :D You're English is improving in every piece of writing of yours that I read and so is the grammar. Some of your descriptions were very, very nice and there weren't an clumps of description either, so well done! Your spelling was also perfect and the story itself was formatted in a nice way to read. Also, I loved the idea of the story itself. It was simple, but in my opinion, effective. Like I said before, I adored how you set it in India. I especially loved it when you mentioned things that you see and wear in India.

My main nit-pick is probably the fact that, at certain times, you changed tenses a bit. It only happened twice though, I think. I think I understand why you were doing it though, I used to make the same mistake. For example,

Normally, I didn’t wear Indian clothes but when visiting a village, you should always wear decent clothes and should avoid attracting attention, especially when the village is in India.


It's not like India doesn't exist anymore, is it? Because of that, you automatically think that you need to say things like 'India is' and 'is India'. It may seem kind of weird, but the correct way, if you're writing in the past tense, is 'India was' and 'Was in India'. Sorry if I'm not making much sense here, I'm really bad at explaining things... :wink:

My only other real nit-pick is the grammar at times. Your grammar has definitely improved loads since I first began reading your work, well done for that. The only problem that I'm finding now is your use of commas. Sometimes you put commas where they are not really needed and other times, you don't put them where they are needed. Like I said before though, your grammar has improved an awful lot. All that you need to do is keep writing and keep practising. If you do that, your grammar will eventually be perfect! Other than the odd comma, your grammar is perfect though! There weren't any misused periods or an misused semi colons either, so yay! :D

Like I said before, I adored the fact that you set this in India. By doing that, you made this more original than it would have been if you had set it in somewhere like America. It's also cool because it lets us readers learn about India and your culture a bit. For example, the way you said your character knew that the two people had just gotten married, How she knew this because the woman was wearing red and white bangles. I also liked how you mentioned that you should dress decently when you are in certain places in India, it gave me more of an idea on what India is like. I thought it was seriously cool! Not that your other stories aren't great, I just love the setting of this one. :wink:

I also like the cliffhanger that you left on the end. It definitely made me want to read on, so well done for achieving that. Are you making a sequel? :wink: I think that this was partly because of the character of the bride. She seemed rather mysterious, which I love in a character. Because of this, it made me wonder if there was more to her and her husband than met the eye. If this was what you were going for, you definitely succeeded in doing it. I think that the last sentence of this was very good as well, for a cliffhanger anyway. It was good how you said that it made your MC ask a million questions about the mysterious couple. It also made us readers ask a million questions about the couple!

The other thing that I loved about this story were some of your descriptions. I highlighted the ones that I especially liked. Like I said before, what I loved about this was the fact that there weren't any description clumps. You just had the odd description here and there, making the story extremely nice to read. Thanks to these nice descriptions, you also had a very nice flow to the story. A nice flow is very important in a story. Without a good flow to the story, it becomes annoying and awkward to read for the reader.

Overall, I really did like this. There were some very nice descriptions and I loved the simplicity of the story itself. The grammar was very good and the spelling was perfect. Your English writing is definitely improving and it's also very entertaining. There was the odd problem with tenses and the odd problem with commas, but except for that, this was a very good story! I adored the setting, in case you hadn't noticed :wink: , and I liked the cliffhanger and the mysterious characters.

Sorry this has dragged on a bit, Shubhi... :smt003

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Sun May 16, 2010 3:17 pm
Embee says...



Hey, here as requested...except I got here too late. :|

“What, missing you?” She was stunned at my response.
“No, silly. Calling them urchins and filth! That’s really not the spirit of doctors. Do you know we would be taking a vow after two years for humanity? Be a human at least,” I barked at her. I heard her take a deep breath.
“When would you be coming?” She asked me, rather bored.


Emotions change kind of fast in this part. First, she's shocked, then she's upset, and then she's bored. Let them build up to each of their emotions just a little bit.

The girl was fair and very pretty.


I don't think you really need this, since you go on to describe her in detail in the next sentence. From that description, we can conclude that's she's very pretty.

Overall, I liked this, it was a bit too slow for my tastes, but I couldn't see anything horribly wrong with it. Your descriptions are very vivid. My only suggestion would be to give your main character a bit more personality; she seems a little dull right now. And this is going to sound kind of stupid, but I couldn't tell if your main character was a boy or a girl...I'm guessing a girl..but I'm still not sure. :oops:

Anyway, I really do want to read more and I hope you post the next part soon. :smt003

Embee
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley
  





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Sun May 16, 2010 5:25 pm
eab10 says...



Hi!
Okay, before I say anything else, I have one question. Where is the romance? I mean, it sounds like it could lead up into to romance somewhere later on, but is there a continuation or sequel coming? (I hope there is because I really enjoyed reading it and would like to read what happens next.)

Embee wrote:where I could play with fabrics but I preferred playing with blood instead.
I loved this! It was cute and sort of let off the seriousness the plot gave off

Embee wrote:”Nothing much, just checking on these urchins. They are filthy, really. Missing you,” she said.
“That’s gross and rude!” I exclaimed.
“What, missing you?” She was stunned at my response.
“No, silly. Calling them urchins and filth! That’s really not the spirit of doctors. Do you know we would be taking a vow after two years for humanity? Be a human at least,” I barked at her. I heard her take a deep breath.

Okay, so I didn't see any errors with it or anything. I just didn't understand it. Could you or anyone else explain what this little part was talking about? Thanks! :)

Embee wrote:I felt that I would be celebrating my sixtieth birthday here only.

So, is she really sixty years old, or is this just another reference to the slowness of the train? (I'm very easily confused by things)

Embee wrote:ask but she got busy with her husband.

Should there be a comma between ask and but? I'm not entirely sure, but I think there should be.

Okay, so overall, I really liked reading this! Keep writing! I'm really curious as to what happens next!

-Emily
"A stranger in a strange land" ~ Exodus 2:22
  





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Mon May 17, 2010 2:12 pm
eldEr says...



Well then. I am very late on this because I wasn't home very much at all yesterday.
Sadly, everybody got to everything before me...again...
I need to start speeding these things up a tad.
Well, it was very well written in my opinion. Not very many grammatical errors that I could see. The paragraphs were pieced together rather nicely.
So just follow the advice of the speedy-quick people above me and you're good! :lol:
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

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Mon May 17, 2010 4:00 pm
canislupis says...



Hi there!

It looks like the nitpicks have been taken care of, so I'll just find something else to talk about. :) I really liked this--the voice is very unique and I got an excellent sense of character throughout most of the piece.

So, on to the things I wasn't so sure about! There were really only three things I would change:

1. Dialogue punctuation. (You did ask me to look at this) You're very close, but I did notice a few times when you had a word capitalized and it didn't need to be, etc. Here is a very helpful article on punctuation in dialogue.

2. Details. I think you had a few too many of them. Eg--the book she gets. I could be wrong, and it could be a very important detail later on, (in which case ignore this) but it felt like an extra bit of information that just made the story drag.

When writing a story, you need to have at least enough details so that the reader knows what's going on, but not so many that he/she gets bored. It's hard to strike a balance, but just try to only describe things that are important, like characters and what's around them, and not what the MC had for breakfast, etc. (Unless she's going to get food poisoning later, in which case it would be important. See what I'm getting at?)

Another note: The asterics aren't really necessary. They're not bad, but it would be better if you could work those details into the story somewhere.

3. Character. Like I said earlier, I liked the way the voice was consistent and unique, but there were a few places that kind of threw me.

No, silly. Calling them urchins and filth! That’s really not the spirit of doctors. Do you know we would be taking a vow after two years for humanity? Be a human at least,” I barked at her. I heard her take a deep breath.


I, personally, have never heard someone talk like this. It could be, of course, that your MC is very idealistic, but it didn't really seem so in the rest of it. If that's the way you want it, fine, but make sure it's consistent. She does seem to be very wilful, so I could see her saying something, but the way it is now sounds more like the author is talking. Maybe revise to something like, "Don't call them urchins!" "Why?" "Because it's disrespectful!" or something like that. Whatever feels natural to the character.

And that was it! I think you've got a great beginning here, and I would definitely read more. PM me if you have any questions.

Feel free to ask for another review!

See you around,

Lupis
  





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Tue May 18, 2010 1:49 am
RayquazaKid says...



shubhiloves2write wrote:I am not sure what the exact temperature was, but I’m sure it was something above forty degrees Celsius. It was enough to extract every ounce of energy out of me, and leave me exhausted. The sun’s hot rays hit me hard on my face, and its vivid light shone in my eyes, making me blink time and time again. I put my tanned hand in front of my eyes to block down the ray's path, but they were able to find its way along the crevices my two fingers formed. It was not until later that I realized where the light was entering from, direct into my eyes.

I didn’t want to close the window as I was really excited to see the beautiful mustard fields of Haryana*. The yellow flowers fluttering in the hot, serene breeze was definitely a sight I wasn’t ready to miss. The train was all blue, from the exterior to the interior, but different shades of blue. The body of it navy blue, the upholstery a bit lighter shade and the walls a light blue. I might be having blue-i-ongis. I looked at the seats next to me for the first time carefully; realizing, that I was the only one in the whole compartment, and no one had yet come to give me company. That wouldn’t have happened had I not missed the college bus going to the village two days ago.
I had heard my calling in the medicine field and henceforth was being trained to become a doctor, the visible god for humans. We, the third year students, were visiting a village in Haryana to provide free medical facilities for a week, but I had missed the bus, all thanks to my sleeping pills. Whenever I'm really excited about something I cannot sleep, and so I have to use sleeping pills; but, this is the only time I couldn't get up in the morning. Therefore I was here, sitting in this train, with damp smell all around, blocking my nostrils. There was no reservation in the A/C class so I had to take the tickets for this lower class place. Anything to become a doctor, man!

I took out my phone from the yellow handbag my elder sister had let me borrow. My cute little Corby Pro was a gift from my stinking rich parents. No offense! Offense is spelled with an S They wanted me to do MBA and handle their handloom business, where I could play with fabrics, but I preferred playing with blood instead. I searched for Niharika’s number until I found it. I pressed the tiny green button on the left and held the mobile close to my ears. After what seemed like eternity, she picked up her nineteenth century mobile phone.
“Hey Ananya, where are you?” her since this is right after a quote, the h is lowercaseever-excited voice rang in my ears.
“I’m stuck in this eighteenth century train, man.” I curled up my lips in disgust and heard her giggle. “What are you guys up to?”
”Nothing much, just checking on these urchins. They are filthy, really. Missing you.” she said.
“That’s gross and rude!” I exclaimed.
“What? Missing you?” she was stunned at my response.
“No, silly. Calling them urchins and filth! That’s really not the spirit of doctors. Do you know we would be taking a vow after two years for humanity? Be a human at least.” I barked at her. I heard her take a deep breath.
“When would you be coming?” she asked me, rather bored.
“Whenever this rust starts moving.” I replied sourly.
“Catch you then.” she said. After she disconnected the line I was once again alone in the company of foul smell. Outside the train was utter chaos, with people running like maniacs to catch their trains, coolies** dressed in dirty red shirts, holding on to luggage twice their weight. There was a bookstall right in front of my eyes which hadn’t caught my sight until now. I felt a sudden increase in rate of my heartbeat by looking at the books, neatly piled on the shelves and a dark-skinned man standing on the opposite side of the stall, selling the best thing one could ever dream of. I got up from my seat and rushed outside to buy a decent novel which could promise of keeping me company throughout the entire two hour long journey. This seems run-on-ish for some reason.

Once outside the train, I felt a sudden blanket of hot waves gripping me and making the hairs on my skin stand up. I rolled up the sleeves of my kurti*** and then continued walking towards the bookstall. Normally, I didn’t wear Indian clothes but when visiting a village, you should always wear decent clothes and should avoid attracting attention, especially when the village is in India. The bookstall man smiled at me, and I looked down to see all of his books. There were Champaks, Tell Me Why, and Femina but not a single good English novel. The only novels in sight were the low-grade Hindi novels. I scrunched my eyes shut for a second. “Do you have an English novel or a better Hindi novel?” I asked the man. He nodded, to my relief. He bent down and then savaged in the bundle kept on the floor. After five minutes, he was up with a novel in his hand, a perfect Mills n’ Boons edition. I smiled as I knew there and then that I was not going to be alone during this trip.

**********************************************

I heard an engine’s sound somewhere as I flipped through the pages of Femina I had bought along with MnB novel. This doesn't seem natural, please revise. My train had still not started moving and I felt that I would be celebrating my sixtieth birthday here only. Neither does this, revise. There was this sound of the main door opening, and in entered a newly-wed couple. I could say so because the girl (she was barely looking twenty) was wearing the red and white bangles which new brides wear and a manglasutra**** and something about the boy made me feel that he was the husband. The boy, who looked same age as her, was holding an attaché and the girl was having a bag in her hands along with the purse which hung from her shoulders. They walked down towards the seat opposite me, out of breath they looked at the seat number, and when they were sure that it was their seat, they sat down. The boy kept the attaché down and the girl kept the bag next to her. She smiled and so did her husband, but both the smiles were weak and nervous.
The girl was fair and very pretty. She looked just like a doll, so white and delicate, dressed up in a dark blue suit. She had long, black eyelashes forming a wave and her red bindi***** stuck to her forehead perfectly. The husband was not bad looking either, in fact he was handsome. He wore a black T-shirt and loose grey jeans. The drops of sweat poured down their face, straight on to their clothes. The boy took out a handkerchief and wiped the sweat off as his wife adored him.
“Hi, I am Ananya.” I introduced myself to them and passed a grin.
“My name’s Kritika and he’s my husband Lakshya.” she said politely.
“You two alone?” I asked out no need for comma of curiosity.
“Yes we are going back to Mumbai. This train goes till Delhi from where we’ll board our flight.” she whispered somewhat secretly which made me all the more curious.
“You live in Mumbai?”
“Yes, we do. Where are you going?” she asked as she pulled back a strand of her black hair.
“Me? I’m going to a remote village in Haryana. I’m a medical student.” I said proudly, but not arrogantly.
Her smile then widened into a broad grin and revealed her perfect white teeth.
“When did you get married?” I couldn’t stop asking questions.
“Today.” she said, and with that at last the train started moving in its tortoise speed. Her answer left me with millions of more questions to ask but she got busy with her husband. Chattering and nattering!


Sorry if I missed anything, Im in a bit of a rush right now.

YOu have a good start, now time to expand on it.:)

HOwever, don't forget, proofreading makes things loads better.
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Tue May 18, 2010 8:00 am
Yuriiko says...



Hello there, Shubhi!

Here to review as requested.

Many reviews have pretty covered up all those mistakes already so I won't bother with it anymore.
I'll just have to comment on the basic things:

Settings:I love how you portrayed to us the settings of your story, the descriptions are done well. :wink: The heat, atmosphere and everything feels so alive by just reading them. :mrgreen:

Characters: Your MC looked realistic but as what one critique stated, she's too early for doing a doctorate class or anything related to college. She seemed to be in highschool if she's still 16 or something like that. The newly-wed couples, however, was rather mysterious. :wink:

Plot:
It has a good flow of the story. There was a good start and a hanging ending (in a good way) :smt002 .The girl's waiting in the train and then a couple comes along... liked the idea but what's with the couples?
You placed no actions in here or something that should look like it's a romantic story... for short, where is the romance? :? Well, aside from the newly-wed couples, it's kind of romantic for them to be married :lol:.
That's all.

Overall: I like this! Just so, you need to work more on punctuations and a little bit on grammar part... I think there are threads in YWS that features about those things. This is a good work of yours, Shubhi :) Thanks for the read.

Keep writing!

Peace out! :D

_Yuri_
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Wed May 19, 2010 10:39 pm
Rascalover says...



Hello,
Thanks for asking for a review :) i really like this and I am glad you edited. There were some small spelling/grammar mistakes that you should catch when you proof read it, but other than that It was well written and entertaining. PM or ask in my review for food thread when the next piece is coming, if this story continues. :)

Have a great day
Tiffany
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Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  





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Wed May 19, 2010 10:40 pm
Embee says...



Hey! Back again! Well, it took me a little bit to find some of the edits you made. I couldn't find anything about her husband in here though...maybe you should mention him? And expand a little bit more on why she is traveling, who's she's going to meet, etc. Other than that, it's still a very solid story. It's got a good setting, characters, and plot. Post the next part soon!

Embee
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Fri May 21, 2010 8:57 pm
Thegirlwholived says...



Hey! You did a very nice job on this piece! However, I think you could use a little work on repetition, and perhaps, instead of footnotes, you could actually include what the meaning is in the actual story. Footnotes can get bothersome, and people would get tired of scrolling down to the bottom of the page every time they see a star.
As for repetition, you used mobile phone a bit too much, and maybe you could use cell phone. And you also repeated century around the same place as mobile phone, which made it even more obvious.
But the overall plot of the story was enticing, and I look forward to more of it! If you need another review or don't like this one, let me know! Just 25 points for this one :)

I loved this story!!
~Kim
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Tue May 25, 2010 6:16 pm
Kale says...



The first thing I noticed is that there's no clear separation between the author's notes and the start of the chapter. You need to fix that.

forty degree Celsius

Should be degrees. And wow, that's hot.

It was enough to extract every ounce of energy out of me, and leave me exhausted.

The comma here is unneeded. You should only use a comma before a conjunction if the phrase that comes after it has a subject. What is leaving the narrator exhausted? There's no subject after the "and", and the thing doing the leaving is the "it", so the comma is inappropriate. I hope that makes sense.

I put my tanned hand in front of my eyes to block out the ray's path, but they were able to find their way along the crevices my two fingers formed.

She has only two fingers? Also, there's a conflict in how many rays there are. If there is more than one ray, the plural possessive is rays', which is what I think you wanted.

The train was all blue

Sudden jump from flowers to train. This really threw me off. I suggest introducing that she's in a train before you mention the flowers ("I looked out the train window" or something similar). It's much less confusing, that way.

I looked at the seats next to me for the first time carefully; realizing, that I was the only one in the whole compartment, and no one had yet come to give me company.

Misused semicolon here. Semicolons are used when you've got two independent clauses. Basically, if both halves of the sentence could stand alone as separate sentences, then you use a semicolon. If they can't, then you use a comma. Also, the comma after realizing is incorrect because it is a verb.

Anything to become a doctor, man!

The "man" just sounds completely out of place. I suggest getting rid of it.

The footnote struck me as a bit unnecessary. If you really want us to know what the terms mean, you could weave them into the narrative. For example, the manglasutra could be introduced like the bangles. One possibility: On her wrists she wore the red and white bangles of a new bride, and around her neck was the black and gold beaded manglasutra of a married woman. It reads much more nicely and conveniently than footnotes.

One thing I noticed was that you tell a lot of things. This is particularly noticeable because most of your sentences have the same structure (subject, verb, object) and some of what you tell us is unnecessary and tangential. I suggest going through and weeding out the elements that aren't absolutely necessary to the story, adding back in the elements that give your narrator her uniqueness (like her opinion of the books in the stall), and varying your sentence structures more. This should also help cut down on the few rambling sentences I spied. Also, figuring out ways to show us how these details (such as the mangalasutra) are important/relevant without just outright telling or using footnotes would be a good idea.

Overall, though, it was interesting and nice to see a story set in India. I hope you write more and continue to include details on the culture.
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Wed Jun 02, 2010 7:19 am
Maddy says...



Hey Shubhi, here as you requested.

So, seeing as a fair few people have nitpicked your story to the world’s end for me, I’ll focus on plot.

Characters:
Ananya:
Great introduction of her hobbies and career! I liked the romance girl thing, and I also loved this:
They wanted me to do MBA and handle their handloom business, where I could play with fabrics, but I preferred playing with blood instead.

The “playing with blood” is a cute, fantastic play on words, and I love that.
But…
What does she look like? Apart from the tan, I couldn’t picture anything physical about her. It’s crucial you introduce the looks in the first chapter.

Plot:
I have no idea where it is going. At this stage, that’s okay, but I sincerely hope you bring in the problem/drama in the next chapter.

Writing Techniques:

There’s a few things I’m going to discuss here, because there are flaws in your grammar I keep seeing time and time again.

I had heard my calling in the medicine field and henceforth was being trained to become a doctor, the visible god for humans.


You don’t use a fancy clause-joining word for a casual sentence. It stands out and detracts from the meaning.
If you can’t use a simpler conjunction word, rephrase the whole sentence.

“My calling was in the medicinal field: currently I was being trained to become a doctor, a visible god (what about saviour?) among humans.”
-x-
“Hey Ananya, where are you?” Her ever-excited voice rang in my ears.

and
“When will you be here?” She asked me, rather bored.


Guess what I’m going to say about those two little red letters. Yep, they need to be lowercase. Both sentences refer to the dialogue before them, therefore the words afterwards are in the same sentence, and don’t need capitals on the first word after the dialogue. Whew! I hope that made sense!
-x-
After she disconnected the line I was once again alone in the company of foul smell. Outside the train was utter chaos, with people running like maniacs to catch their trains, coolies** dressed in dirty red shirts, holding on to luggage twice their weight. There was a bookstall right in front of my eyes which hadn’t caught my sight until now. I felt a sudden increase in the rate of my heartbeat by looking at the books, neatly piled on the shelves and a dark-skinned man standing on the opposite side of the stall, selling the best thing one could ever dream of. I got up from my seat and rushed outside to buy a decent novel which could promise of keeping me company throughout the entire two hour long journey.

This whole paragraph is full of wrong commas! You only put a comma in a sentence when it’s a new clause, or a new subject is introduced. I’ll go through and change all the commas:
“After she disconnected the line, I was once again alone in the company of foul smell. Outside the train was utter chaos, with people running like maniacs to catch their trains and coolies** dressed in dirty red shirts, holding on to luggage twice their weight. There was a bookstall right in front of my eyes which hadn’t caught my sight until now. I felt a sudden increase in the rate of my heartbeat by looking at the books, which were neatly piled on the shelves, and at a dark-skinned man standing on the opposite side of the stall, selling the best thing one could ever dream of. I got up from my seat and rushed outside to buy a decent novel which could promise of keeping me company throughout the entire two hour long journey.”

Overall, the story is interesting. Please watch out for your grammar flaws, and keep a steady focus on your character.
-Maddy
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