Young Writers Society

I'm thinking of using this as the start to a story and would really appreciate any coments on how to improve and whether i should carry on with it. Thanks in advance!


“I can hear you, I know you're there.”

She kept her voice steady; she wouldn’t allow her fear to show.

“I’m not scared of you, you know.”

Surely they couldn’t see her hands shaking through the darkness?

“You better stop hiding, or...” Her voice broke but she pushed on, attempting to bury her trembling tenor with menace. “Or there’ll be serious consequences.”

A creak of floorboards- Holly spun to face the noise, eyes stretching wide to try and perceive a figure in the gloom. Was that laughter?

She crouched, frozen, waiting for another sign of movement- but there was nothing. The steady tick-tock of the clock on the mantle piece was surely drowned out by her thumping heart.

“I-I’m telling you.” She swallowed and clenched her hands into fists to still them, forcing them down by her sides.

“I’m telling you to stop this.” Her voice was clear, it rang out into the blackened room. She waited.

There was no answer.

They can’t have gone, they’re waiting like me, waiting for something…

“What do you want? Why are you here?”

A brush of wind made Holly swivel to her right, she’d definitely seen something, as dark as it was she was sure there was a figure.

Why won’t they answer?

Despite the panic that ripped through her veins, she was going to have to move. To stay statuesque all night was ridiculous. She hadn’t done anything wrong so she had nothing to fear.

She lifted her leg, the answering groan from the wood beneath her sent spasms throughout her body. Keeping a constant watch of her surroundings, eyes flickering back and forth, she hesitantly placed her foot down a few inches from its previous position.

No response.

“I’m leaving this room now; I’m going back to bed and I’m going to lock the door behind me. When I wake up tomorrow I’ll realise how silly I’ve been and I’ll laugh.” She tried to speak firmly, with conviction but such thoughts in the small hours held little comfort.

Still, there was nothing.

Feeling a little more sure of herself she moved the other leg, this time a bit further than the last step.

“Do you really think I’ll allow that?”

The whisper was from right behind her, she could feel the breath tickle her ear. Her whole body screamed, yet no noise escaped her lips.

She hadn’t imagined that; someone was here. Someone was beside her- they were right next to her. This wasn’t some figment of her imagination that her mind had created to torment her. This was real.

Run.

She forced herself to pull every muscle into action. The door wasn’t far; she could make it. She had to make it.

Run.

Her legs pumped up and down, her arms pushed the air as she hurled every ounce of strength into propelling herself forwards.

Run.

Nearly there, the door handle was before her she could reach out and…

“Got you.”

Ok. All I can say is "WOW". Really, extremely interesting... weather you have an amazing talent to create such a vivid picture of your characters emotions or you just worked on this for a really long time, I defiantly think you should continue.

I will not comment on grammar or spelling because that is not my area of expertise, but I am sure the grammar experts will be along shortly!

Is this going to be a short story? Novel? and what genre?

PM me when you continue with this! Now that I have met the Character I should be able to give you more of a constructive review instead of a wide-eyed "WOW"!!

Happy Writing!

First off, let me say that if this is a vampire story, this is the only critique I'll do on this.

She kept her voice steady, she wouldn’t allow her fear to show.

Period or semi-colon instead of a comma.

She crouched, frozen, waiting for another sign of movement but there was nothing.

I'd add a dash between "movement" and "but" to give this more punch.

Her leg lifted,

I'd make this: She lifted her leg. The answering groan... I can't see anything else wrong with the sentence.

“Do you really think I’ll allow that?”

Why is this bolded? If it's in thoughts, shouldn't it be in italics? The same goes for the "got you."

Atmosphere- Really, really well done. I got creeped out reading this!

Overall- I would definitely use this as a beginning. It's one of the best I've read. You have some comma splice issues at the very beginning, that's it grammar-wise. But, if this ends up being a vampire story, I won't critique future instalments.

Keep it up!

This was pretty cool. Suspenseful and everything, but ya if its a vampire story I won't continue reading the next parts. Sorry. Vampire stories annoy me. But I'll point some minor little mistakes out. I like doing that.

“You better stop hiding, or..” Her voice broke but she pushed on, attempting to bury her trembling tenor with menace. “or they’ll be serious consequences.”

Shouldn't it be there'll be serious consequences?

The steady tick-tock of the clock on the mantle piece was surely drowned out by her thumping heart.

I liked this sentence and everything, don't get me wrong, but something was bugging me. I think it was the surely part, but that really is just me.

I didn't really see anything else. It is really good for a beginning. No joking. Suspenseful, shows the characters emotions perfect, etc. Good luck and have fun!

Amazing, while I was reading, I couldn't tear my eyes from the page! It's very good, you've got all the right stuff, details, and you really pulled me into the story! I can't wait to read the rest if you continue it! Keep writing, you've got amazing talent!

I think this is great. If it is an introduction to a short story then i really can't wait for the finished product. Of course you can take this where ever you want to, but i would recommend that in the end of all of this that you show that it was all in the narrator's mind. I say this because there are many times when a person is by him/herself and are scared late at night, that they may hear strange noises and even see strange things, and then the next morning they realize that these occurences were simply figments of their imagination. Again, it is just a thought. Great writing so far. Keep going with it.

Hey Pippiedooda,
Great start, I suggest continuing this if you keep writing like this,
just one thing though, I agree with Rosey Unicorn on the bold parts.

Success.

I'm just going to assume that you put in all the edits before so I don't have to read them...

There were surprisingly few errors on here *cheers* but these are a few things I found, though many of them might just be questionable. (And the reason why there seem to be so many is because there were so few that I could look at it even more critically without getting overloaded, if that makes any sense )

“I can hear you, I know your there.”

I read somewhere that you're not supposed to start a book with dialogue.
*picks up book and rips it to pieces*
It did say that there were exceptions to it, and this is definitely one of them
(That was a library book... *sighs*)
But "your" should be "you're".

“You better stop hiding, or..” Her voice broke but she pushed on, attempting to bury her trembling tenor with menace. “or there’ll be serious consequences.”

There needs to be one more period behind the "or" in her dialogue. You also need to capitalize the "or" at the beginning of the second part of her dialogue.

“I’m, I’m telling you.”

Since I'm assuming that she is stuttering, and this is just an assumption, perhaps something like "I-I'm" or "I'm-I'm" (with "-" or "..." works just as well) would better show that she is doing so rather than a comma.

Despite the panic that ripped through her veins she was going to have to move.

There should be a comma between "veins" and "she".

She hadn’t done anything wrong, she had nothing to fear.

This is a comma splice because you are joining two full sentences with just a comma. To fix it you should either replace the comma with a semicolon or add an "and, but, for, nor, or, so, yet" after the comma.

I’m leaving this room now, I’m going back to bed and I’m going to lock the door behind me.

This is currently a comma splice. If you want to keep it all in one sentence, it is supposed to be a SV;SV,(bonysaf: but, or, nor, yet, so, and, for)SV because it is joining together three equal and complete sentences.

Her whole body screamed yet no noise escaped her lips.

There should be a comma between "screamed" and "yet".

She hadn’t imagined that, someone was here, someone was beside her, they were right next to her.

These are comma splices and either need to be separated into several sentences or joined correctly.

This wasn’t some figment of her imagination that her mind had created to torment her- this was real.

There's really nothing wrong with this sentence, but personally I think that the last little bit should be a separate sentence. The lengthened natural pause makes it more dramatic, in my opinion. Just a suggestion.

She forced herself to pull every muscle into action, the door wasn’t far she could make it, she had to make it.

This contains two comma splices. You can either join them with a bonysaf (and, but, for, nor, or, so, yet) after the comma, or make them into separate sentences. Also, if you make it into a separate sentence, there should be a semicolon in the middle segment between "far" and "she".


Now that all that's over...

(Personally I hope that it's not a vampire book either, but I suppose that's up to you.)

I enjoyed reading it. It read well and easily for the most part and it's a nice hook. There's not much to critique as I don't know much about your characters or plot, so good job! Try using a thesaurus when you look through it again to take out any repetitive words, however, because it's a small amount or writing. It's okay to reuse words (in fact, it's probably better than getting new random flowery words every time), just be careful!

-Lydia

Wow.

This drew me in. I really think you should continue it. You have to continue it. you left it wide open. I am guessing a lot of people will be upset if you don't continue it.

The one thing that i did see was the bold part. What are those? Are they thoughts or something else? I really don't care for bolding because it Draws my attention straight to that part when I find it in a book. Maybe Italics?

You should continue.

see ya around.

Hi, Pippiedooda (tee-hee! Fun name!)

Here as requested. Just a heads-up: I don't read other critiques, so if I say something that was already mentioned, please forgive me.

1. The story drew me in instantly. You left the readers hanging at just the right moment, so kudos for that. I was literally sighing with relief when Holly thought it was just her imagination. The tension was built up perfectly, and the last few lines brought this whole prologue together.

2. Your use of description was spot-on. This spooked me a bit, because I felt as if I was right there in the story. I have to admit, my favorite part was when you described the squeaking floorboards. I can imagine how terrifying it feels to make such a clatter when you're already terrified of some unknown dark presence.

3. Short paragraphs. I mean, hardly paragraphs. Smoosh (for lack of a better word) some of them together and it will be perfect.

Apologies for the not-so-helpful critique. Gold star, by the way.


~anti-pop

Well everyone else took grammar away so i will say my likes and dislikes for me.

likes:
An interesting beginning
I liked how you gave nothing away but gave a mystery to it, it made me want to read more to find out why
Nice dark essence

Dislike:
nothing i loved it

i would love to read more so please post it, and i wish you all the best in it

WOW, sorry to quote all of the others, but you have talent! really, you should keep on going with this! Can you PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE PM me when the next part is up??
I cant wait to [s]hear[/s] read more of this! honestly, it might just be the best thing I have read on YWS so far! keep it up! The best part was that I felt as if I was in the room with holly, and I can't find any mistakes, or annoying/confusing things. PM me when the next part is up please!
*gives gold star*

That's the only word I can think at the moment. I'm really on edge, is this a vampire story?
It sure sounds like it. You've got me on edge ! Are you adding more for this ? It's bloody great.
Please please pm me when you add more, if you do ! I'll love you FOREVER AND EVER ! You've got talent. xD
*High fives*
PLEASEEE LET US READ MORE ! X]

i think you should finish the story and its really intense and i want to read more and find out whats up with the story

i am tired and it is late, so i didnt read the other crits. so forgive me for any spelling mistakes on my part or any repititions i might make.

THIS IS AMAZING. I loved it. very suspenseful and very interesting. I was litterally on the edge of my seat the whole time. That might be because i falling asleep though... whatever, i enjoyed it and before i go to bed i am going to go and read all the other parts that i can find.

this seems to remind me of the scene in Twilight where Bella and James are in the Ballet studio. Its probably just me, but thats what i picture. Anywhays. This was a very good piece. keep up the good work. Sorry for the lack of actual review, there seemed to be alot of other reviews and i didnt want to repeat to much so i decided to give moral support.

*thumbs up*